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Can't we hook up the caravan Mum?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 299035" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Trish, whatever you decide you need to stick with it. You did tta today. But yesterday you drove him places. I can understand why he's asking, and I can also understand why he doesn't follow through with the 'do to get" (although saying he won't be able to pay board if you don't drive him to work is his own version of 'do to get' played back on you).</p><p></p><p>Seriously - have you sat down with him and drawn up a written agreement between you two? Because it seems to me that what you want form him, what he needs to do for himself, and what he expects from you, are all very complex and jumbled. Until you do draw it up, I tihnk you're going to find it a long, slow, learning experience.</p><p></p><p>You each write up on a sheet of paper, what you know you need to do for yourself, what you know you need to do for the other person, and what you can do extra, if it's made easier for you. Part of this is personal responsibility. You make it two-way because he is an adult and you are an adult. Even though you are the parent and it puts you in a position of authority, because he is now an adult HE needs to see that this is part of ALL adults taking responsibility for themselves and their duties. ALL of us. Parents included.</p><p></p><p>You do it calmly. His list is bound to include stuff which is just not on, but stay calm. Talk it through. If necessary, get his psychologist involved in helping this process. Because once the agreement is drawn up, you both have to stick to it.</p><p></p><p>If you have in the past been happy to drive him places, then it is uunderstandable he will have thids expectation. However, he needs to see, in writing, that this is an inconvenience for not only you, but others in the family. That's OK, as long as HE is prepared to also be inconvenienced in turn. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes they need to see it in writing, in order to make it work and speed up the process.</p><p></p><p>A suggestion (what worked for us) - I would drive my kids, as long as it was work-related or school-related, and as long as it was not going to be a major disruption. If I was already going to be driving that way, we would plan as a family to make best use of the trip. That meant no suddenly deciding to head back into town, after we had been and come back again. And no using this frivolously (such as to go to the pub).</p><p></p><p>Example - I got difficult child 1 into voluntary work at the local zoo. I felt it was so important to him that I was prepared to make a special trip at sunrise and sunset to get him there. A double trip, with little chance of using the trip for any other purpose. </p><p></p><p>Second example - difficult child 3 has a weekly drama class "on the mainland". So I sometimes take mother in law and we do our shopping while difficult child 3 is in class. We have to rush to get to the butcher before he shuts, but we get as much done as we can within the timeframe we have. While we were there (and while easy child 2/difficult child 2 & BF2 lived with us) we would collect BF2 from work, or ask him to catch the train to meet up with us. We would also wait for husband to gett back on the train from the city, and drive him home with us. it meant a bit of waiting around after difficult child 3's drama class so he got his weekly treat of a burger for dinner (a good Aussie burger - you know what I mean, Trish!). difficult child 3 would often have homework in the car to get on with.</p><p>To do all this required cooperation and coordination. Failure to cooperate or coordinate meant people got missed or had to find ways to get themselves home. Not easy, when the last boat home is sunset!</p><p></p><p>Kids need to learn that we are not there purely to give in to their every whim. But they need to really KNOW the boundaries and have it stick and be the same, every day. If one day you happen to feel like going for a drive, and it happens to coincide with difficult child wanting to go to the DVD store - then that it pure bonus, not to be taken for granted. if it's in writing as part of the original agreement, then it's easier for him to understand tihs.</p><p></p><p>It IS worth the time this takes, because it needn't take more than half an hour. Then you stick a copy of it up on the wall. And hopefiully, it sets the patttern for house rules for everybody, as they get older.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 299035, member: 1991"] Trish, whatever you decide you need to stick with it. You did tta today. But yesterday you drove him places. I can understand why he's asking, and I can also understand why he doesn't follow through with the 'do to get" (although saying he won't be able to pay board if you don't drive him to work is his own version of 'do to get' played back on you). Seriously - have you sat down with him and drawn up a written agreement between you two? Because it seems to me that what you want form him, what he needs to do for himself, and what he expects from you, are all very complex and jumbled. Until you do draw it up, I tihnk you're going to find it a long, slow, learning experience. You each write up on a sheet of paper, what you know you need to do for yourself, what you know you need to do for the other person, and what you can do extra, if it's made easier for you. Part of this is personal responsibility. You make it two-way because he is an adult and you are an adult. Even though you are the parent and it puts you in a position of authority, because he is now an adult HE needs to see that this is part of ALL adults taking responsibility for themselves and their duties. ALL of us. Parents included. You do it calmly. His list is bound to include stuff which is just not on, but stay calm. Talk it through. If necessary, get his psychologist involved in helping this process. Because once the agreement is drawn up, you both have to stick to it. If you have in the past been happy to drive him places, then it is uunderstandable he will have thids expectation. However, he needs to see, in writing, that this is an inconvenience for not only you, but others in the family. That's OK, as long as HE is prepared to also be inconvenienced in turn. Sometimes they need to see it in writing, in order to make it work and speed up the process. A suggestion (what worked for us) - I would drive my kids, as long as it was work-related or school-related, and as long as it was not going to be a major disruption. If I was already going to be driving that way, we would plan as a family to make best use of the trip. That meant no suddenly deciding to head back into town, after we had been and come back again. And no using this frivolously (such as to go to the pub). Example - I got difficult child 1 into voluntary work at the local zoo. I felt it was so important to him that I was prepared to make a special trip at sunrise and sunset to get him there. A double trip, with little chance of using the trip for any other purpose. Second example - difficult child 3 has a weekly drama class "on the mainland". So I sometimes take mother in law and we do our shopping while difficult child 3 is in class. We have to rush to get to the butcher before he shuts, but we get as much done as we can within the timeframe we have. While we were there (and while easy child 2/difficult child 2 & BF2 lived with us) we would collect BF2 from work, or ask him to catch the train to meet up with us. We would also wait for husband to gett back on the train from the city, and drive him home with us. it meant a bit of waiting around after difficult child 3's drama class so he got his weekly treat of a burger for dinner (a good Aussie burger - you know what I mean, Trish!). difficult child 3 would often have homework in the car to get on with. To do all this required cooperation and coordination. Failure to cooperate or coordinate meant people got missed or had to find ways to get themselves home. Not easy, when the last boat home is sunset! Kids need to learn that we are not there purely to give in to their every whim. But they need to really KNOW the boundaries and have it stick and be the same, every day. If one day you happen to feel like going for a drive, and it happens to coincide with difficult child wanting to go to the DVD store - then that it pure bonus, not to be taken for granted. if it's in writing as part of the original agreement, then it's easier for him to understand tihs. It IS worth the time this takes, because it needn't take more than half an hour. Then you stick a copy of it up on the wall. And hopefiully, it sets the patttern for house rules for everybody, as they get older. Marg [/QUOTE]
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