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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619061" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I don't know if he is mentally ill. You can be a total jerk and not really have a mental illness. More likely, perhaps he has a personality disorder, such as antisocial or narcissistic or both (common). People with these disorders do not feel that normal rules apply to them and don't even think they are doing anything wrong and rarely get help.</p><p></p><p>There is a difference between somebody with bipolar, who is a good person when he is not ill, and one with a serious personality disorder that is basically willing to throw anyone under the bus to get what he wants, including breaking the law. I think many of our difficult children are a bit antisocial and narcissistic, even those who have other real mental illnesses. And that is why they have so much trouble with life, rules and relationships.</p><p></p><p>I think 36 has a bit of both of those in him. He also has anxiety disorder, but the anxiety disorder is not what makes him so unlikeable when he isn't getting his way. It's the other stuff.</p><p></p><p>Keep telling yourself that your son is 32. It doesn't really matter why he is like he is. He is making a decision to con and cheat people, to lie to victims and to charm them, to do anything to get his own way. I hope you didn't pay his plane fare, but if you did...baby steps.</p><p></p><p>It is we, the parents who have strong consciences, who feel badly about the way they violate the rights and boundaries and emotions of others. It appalls us because we can feel empathy for the victims of our difficult children. It is NOT the difficult children who feel bad. Anything seems to be ok to our grown babies, as long as they get what they want.</p><p></p><p>Keep reminding yourself that this is not the little boy you gave birth to. He is close to middle age and is willing to say or do anything, even lie or break the law, to get his way. It has nothing to do with you. It just is what it is.</p><p></p><p>If he ends up in jail, in my opinion it's best to let natural consequences take their course. Although our adult kids are not empathetic toward others, they don't like being inconvenienced themselves. Jail is an inconvenience. Perhaps they learn to stay within the lines of the law if they find jail distasteful and realize that their family is not going to bail them out?</p><p></p><p>Big hugs for your fear, your discarded hopes, and your love that is not returned the right way. Hang in there. Once you see your son the way he REALLY is, I think it will be easier to detach from his manipulations. Our adult kids are very smart and very good at "playing" us. We don't have to play back. Your son is a tranwreck right now, but you can not fix him. He is obviously bright and can learn to get along in society, but that choice is his and his alone. You can not take that journey with him.</p><p></p><p>If you can, try to enjoy your husband and your loved ones who are nice to you and do something really special for yourself. Hey, just a warm bubble bath with scented cancles and maybe some champagne to wash down the difficult child (lol) is a good start. Or put on that Victoria Secret nightie for hubby. Or just walk the dog together. Call a friend up for coffee. Go to a store and buy yourself something perfectly wonderful with no value to it at all. But start now...being good to yourself because YOU DESERVE IT <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619061, member: 1550"] I don't know if he is mentally ill. You can be a total jerk and not really have a mental illness. More likely, perhaps he has a personality disorder, such as antisocial or narcissistic or both (common). People with these disorders do not feel that normal rules apply to them and don't even think they are doing anything wrong and rarely get help. There is a difference between somebody with bipolar, who is a good person when he is not ill, and one with a serious personality disorder that is basically willing to throw anyone under the bus to get what he wants, including breaking the law. I think many of our difficult children are a bit antisocial and narcissistic, even those who have other real mental illnesses. And that is why they have so much trouble with life, rules and relationships. I think 36 has a bit of both of those in him. He also has anxiety disorder, but the anxiety disorder is not what makes him so unlikeable when he isn't getting his way. It's the other stuff. Keep telling yourself that your son is 32. It doesn't really matter why he is like he is. He is making a decision to con and cheat people, to lie to victims and to charm them, to do anything to get his own way. I hope you didn't pay his plane fare, but if you did...baby steps. It is we, the parents who have strong consciences, who feel badly about the way they violate the rights and boundaries and emotions of others. It appalls us because we can feel empathy for the victims of our difficult children. It is NOT the difficult children who feel bad. Anything seems to be ok to our grown babies, as long as they get what they want. Keep reminding yourself that this is not the little boy you gave birth to. He is close to middle age and is willing to say or do anything, even lie or break the law, to get his way. It has nothing to do with you. It just is what it is. If he ends up in jail, in my opinion it's best to let natural consequences take their course. Although our adult kids are not empathetic toward others, they don't like being inconvenienced themselves. Jail is an inconvenience. Perhaps they learn to stay within the lines of the law if they find jail distasteful and realize that their family is not going to bail them out? Big hugs for your fear, your discarded hopes, and your love that is not returned the right way. Hang in there. Once you see your son the way he REALLY is, I think it will be easier to detach from his manipulations. Our adult kids are very smart and very good at "playing" us. We don't have to play back. Your son is a tranwreck right now, but you can not fix him. He is obviously bright and can learn to get along in society, but that choice is his and his alone. You can not take that journey with him. If you can, try to enjoy your husband and your loved ones who are nice to you and do something really special for yourself. Hey, just a warm bubble bath with scented cancles and maybe some champagne to wash down the difficult child (lol) is a good start. Or put on that Victoria Secret nightie for hubby. Or just walk the dog together. Call a friend up for coffee. Go to a store and buy yourself something perfectly wonderful with no value to it at all. But start now...being good to yourself because YOU DESERVE IT :) [/QUOTE]
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