Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Checking in with some "after we said it" shakiness
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619107" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Seeking strength, all of those up and down, did I do the right thing, could I be wrong, should I have done more.............all of it is the usual path of detachment.........we second guess ourselves, we go all over the map with our feelings for awhile..............it's emotionally exhausting. These are our kids, we are up against something most parents will never have to deal with, we are letting go, we are doing the unthinkable........in the face of their perceived "needs" we are turning our backs..............it goes against everything we believe we SHOULD be doing. It takes a little time to let that all go. But, if you stay the course, this will all get easier. </p><p></p><p>Yes, that guilt does ebb and flow and take awhile to disappear..........detachment is not linear. It is a lot like the 5 stages of grief.........denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not necessarily in any order. It is living in the land of uncertainty. It is learning what the Buddhists call impermanence. I am reading a really good book which is quite helpful to me, not only about difficult child's but about life, it's called<u> Comfortable with uncertainty</u> by Pema Chodron. You might want to pick it up. Another good book is <u>The power of Now</u>, by Echart Tolle. </p><p></p><p>If your son has a personality disorder, like many of our kids do, his irrational, entitled, manipulative, selfish, odd way of being is disconcerting and difficult for us to get a handle on. My daughter just emailed me that her car needs repairs, her phone was being turned off and she didn't pay her probation bill............then mentioned that her roommate spent $600 on his dog and her final comment was........"I guess the dog is more important." Her belief is that everyone around her SHOULD pay her bills and take care of her and if they don't, they quickly turn into jerks. Once this present jerk stops the help, she moves on to the next one. I was one of the "jerks" for awhile, but now I am barely on the radar screen of her life. That is skewered thinking which was very difficult for me to understand and accept.......but I learned to accept it and once I did, I could say to myself, she is who she is..............end of story. Her behavior stopped impacting me. It was a bit of a climb to reach that, but it is possible. </p><p></p><p>They will only get help when THEY want help. We can't make a lick of difference in that. It's important to stop trying and get on with your lives. I applaud your getting away with husband. My SO and I have dates every weekend and we go to the ocean or the city for the whole day, or the weekend.............you have to learn to take the focus off of your son and place it back on you and husband and find your joy and your peace and your sense of awe and wonder. Our kids can rob of us so much with their antics, until we wake up and reclaim our own lives, our own joy and sense of playfulness..............you're doing a good job, stay the course.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619107, member: 13542"] Seeking strength, all of those up and down, did I do the right thing, could I be wrong, should I have done more.............all of it is the usual path of detachment.........we second guess ourselves, we go all over the map with our feelings for awhile..............it's emotionally exhausting. These are our kids, we are up against something most parents will never have to deal with, we are letting go, we are doing the unthinkable........in the face of their perceived "needs" we are turning our backs..............it goes against everything we believe we SHOULD be doing. It takes a little time to let that all go. But, if you stay the course, this will all get easier. Yes, that guilt does ebb and flow and take awhile to disappear..........detachment is not linear. It is a lot like the 5 stages of grief.........denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not necessarily in any order. It is living in the land of uncertainty. It is learning what the Buddhists call impermanence. I am reading a really good book which is quite helpful to me, not only about difficult child's but about life, it's called[U] Comfortable with uncertainty[/U] by Pema Chodron. You might want to pick it up. Another good book is [U]The power of Now[/U], by Echart Tolle. If your son has a personality disorder, like many of our kids do, his irrational, entitled, manipulative, selfish, odd way of being is disconcerting and difficult for us to get a handle on. My daughter just emailed me that her car needs repairs, her phone was being turned off and she didn't pay her probation bill............then mentioned that her roommate spent $600 on his dog and her final comment was........"I guess the dog is more important." Her belief is that everyone around her SHOULD pay her bills and take care of her and if they don't, they quickly turn into jerks. Once this present jerk stops the help, she moves on to the next one. I was one of the "jerks" for awhile, but now I am barely on the radar screen of her life. That is skewered thinking which was very difficult for me to understand and accept.......but I learned to accept it and once I did, I could say to myself, she is who she is..............end of story. Her behavior stopped impacting me. It was a bit of a climb to reach that, but it is possible. They will only get help when THEY want help. We can't make a lick of difference in that. It's important to stop trying and get on with your lives. I applaud your getting away with husband. My SO and I have dates every weekend and we go to the ocean or the city for the whole day, or the weekend.............you have to learn to take the focus off of your son and place it back on you and husband and find your joy and your peace and your sense of awe and wonder. Our kids can rob of us so much with their antics, until we wake up and reclaim our own lives, our own joy and sense of playfulness..............you're doing a good job, stay the course............. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Checking in with some "after we said it" shakiness
Top