dashcat
Member
I posted awhile back about my difficult child helping herself to small things - items of my clothing, etc. I spoke to her about it very firmly (yes, you may laugh at this point).
difficult child has never stolen money from me (except to raid my change jar, which is now locked in a small safe). She's never stolen anything like jewelery, any of my camera equipment, anything like that. Her main crime has been (is), helping herself to what she wants .. on impulse. She needs a white camisole? All of hers are smelly and strewn about her bedroom. Mine is freshly laundered and neatly folded. She takes it. It's cold? Her gloves are lost in the abyss of her car. Mine are in the same box I keep in the mudroom. She helps herself. If she were stealing money/valuables, my course of action would have been much clearer .. much longer ago.
Shortly after she turned 21, I got up one morning to discover that she'd helped to a bottle of wine. I told her she was not to help herself to any alcohol in the house without asking. She is of legal age and she can purchase alcohol and consume it here (unless it gets out of hand, which it has not.). I am happy to provide for her basic needs, feed her, even treat her from time to time (we do, on rare occasions, share a bottle of wine with dinner or a movie), but that she needed to buy what she consumed. The food is hers to enjoy. I buy what she likes (within reason), I cook for us and I am happy to do so.
I like wine. I do not have an alcohol or substance abuse problem. I buy it by the case (to save 10%), and keep it around for sipping, for company, etc. I have a small built in wine rack in my kitchen where I keep six fairly decent bottles of wine. This is what I use for entertaining, drop in guests, special dinners. I keep the rest (the cheap stuff!) in the pantry. I replenish when I'm out or I get low or there's a sale. I keep the wine rack stocked and replinish right after I use what is there (because it looks funny if it's not full).
I went out last night with friends. difficult child was having a girlfiend over to make pasta and watch a movie. She has VERY few female friends, but this sort of thing does occur from time to time. I was out of wine (except for the rack) and have not replenished it yet. I went to get a dish (right above the wine rack) and noticed a $20 bottle of wine missing.
I am baffled as to how her brain works. I can tell her the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER, and - when impulse strikes all bets are off. If my mom had told me "you may not help yourself to my clothing, bottles of wine or ANYTHING,I would not have defied her .. certianly I wouldn't have done so at 21!!! OMG.
I have made the decision not to live - in my own home - under lock and key. I have a small safe, in which I keep some prescriptions medications (pain medications, which I need very rarely, and anxiety .. which I seem to need more often these days), some important papers and my good jewelery). The key is hidden and even the safe is hidden. But that is all I am willing to do. I am NOT going to install locks on the doors in my own home. I see no reason why I should have to live that way.
So, tomorrow, (when I've simmered down a bit), I am going to calmly tell her something like this:
You live here for very nominal rent. I sincerely doubt that you will be able to find an apartment at this price that includes a home of this comfort level that his kept clean and stocked with food. In order to live here, you must abide by certain standards. Among them is to respect my property. I have discussed this with you extensively, and I do not intend to discuss it beyond today. Beleive me when I say I know exactly what I have and where it is. The next time you help yourself to something that is mine, you will pack up and leave. I will not live with someone who cannot respect my property.
Or something like that.
I am so frustrated with reciting the same script over and over again. It's not just the taking of property ... it's day to day stuff too.
Thanks for listening. I hate that, among all the scary stuff we have to deal with as far as difficult children go, that we have to deal with such insanely unreasonable petty behavior.
Dash
difficult child has never stolen money from me (except to raid my change jar, which is now locked in a small safe). She's never stolen anything like jewelery, any of my camera equipment, anything like that. Her main crime has been (is), helping herself to what she wants .. on impulse. She needs a white camisole? All of hers are smelly and strewn about her bedroom. Mine is freshly laundered and neatly folded. She takes it. It's cold? Her gloves are lost in the abyss of her car. Mine are in the same box I keep in the mudroom. She helps herself. If she were stealing money/valuables, my course of action would have been much clearer .. much longer ago.
Shortly after she turned 21, I got up one morning to discover that she'd helped to a bottle of wine. I told her she was not to help herself to any alcohol in the house without asking. She is of legal age and she can purchase alcohol and consume it here (unless it gets out of hand, which it has not.). I am happy to provide for her basic needs, feed her, even treat her from time to time (we do, on rare occasions, share a bottle of wine with dinner or a movie), but that she needed to buy what she consumed. The food is hers to enjoy. I buy what she likes (within reason), I cook for us and I am happy to do so.
I like wine. I do not have an alcohol or substance abuse problem. I buy it by the case (to save 10%), and keep it around for sipping, for company, etc. I have a small built in wine rack in my kitchen where I keep six fairly decent bottles of wine. This is what I use for entertaining, drop in guests, special dinners. I keep the rest (the cheap stuff!) in the pantry. I replenish when I'm out or I get low or there's a sale. I keep the wine rack stocked and replinish right after I use what is there (because it looks funny if it's not full).
I went out last night with friends. difficult child was having a girlfiend over to make pasta and watch a movie. She has VERY few female friends, but this sort of thing does occur from time to time. I was out of wine (except for the rack) and have not replenished it yet. I went to get a dish (right above the wine rack) and noticed a $20 bottle of wine missing.
I am baffled as to how her brain works. I can tell her the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER, and - when impulse strikes all bets are off. If my mom had told me "you may not help yourself to my clothing, bottles of wine or ANYTHING,I would not have defied her .. certianly I wouldn't have done so at 21!!! OMG.
I have made the decision not to live - in my own home - under lock and key. I have a small safe, in which I keep some prescriptions medications (pain medications, which I need very rarely, and anxiety .. which I seem to need more often these days), some important papers and my good jewelery). The key is hidden and even the safe is hidden. But that is all I am willing to do. I am NOT going to install locks on the doors in my own home. I see no reason why I should have to live that way.
So, tomorrow, (when I've simmered down a bit), I am going to calmly tell her something like this:
You live here for very nominal rent. I sincerely doubt that you will be able to find an apartment at this price that includes a home of this comfort level that his kept clean and stocked with food. In order to live here, you must abide by certain standards. Among them is to respect my property. I have discussed this with you extensively, and I do not intend to discuss it beyond today. Beleive me when I say I know exactly what I have and where it is. The next time you help yourself to something that is mine, you will pack up and leave. I will not live with someone who cannot respect my property.
Or something like that.
I am so frustrated with reciting the same script over and over again. It's not just the taking of property ... it's day to day stuff too.
Thanks for listening. I hate that, among all the scary stuff we have to deal with as far as difficult children go, that we have to deal with such insanely unreasonable petty behavior.
Dash