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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 373322" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I just wanted to add an example of PA (passive-aggressive) behaviour and how to NOT feed it.</p><p></p><p>Years before husband & I (well, about 10 months) I was engaged to a bloke, J. I really loved him, we had a lot in common. He was a few years older and (seemingly) more mature. But for reasons that never made sense at the time, he broke up with me. Said we needed a little time apart. (I realised later he had been two-timing me through the relationship, he had only asked to marry me because he wanted sex - which he didn't get).</p><p>Anyway, although he was the one who broke up with me, he still seemed to want to feel that he had me running after him and not looking elsewhere. So while he talked to our group of friends (including me) about his new-found freedom and the gorgeous Asian girl he was spending time with, I could feel his eyes watching me for a reaction. He also was watching me for any signs of interest in other guys and I think he was happy that I had not moved on.</p><p>The one day we were all in the same lecture at uni, and instead of sitting with all of us (the gang) J was sitting a few rows away in front of us with a beautiful Asian girl. Their heads were close together and I could feel my heart skewered. Of course he was free to see other girls although I wished he would get tis out of his system and come back to me; another girl in his life made that seem less likely.</p><p>I was determined to not get upset, but I was curious - was this the girl he had been telling us about? The girl who he said was all over him, couldn't take her eyes off him? Had invited him to meet her parents?</p><p>As we filed out of the lecture theatre, I found myself next to J. I said to him, "Who is your friend? You haven't introduced us."</p><p>I said it calmly, in a friendly way, but when I saw the brief flash of triumph in his face, I realised I'd fallen into his trap. I thought, "You b*&^&. You only want to make me jealous." He looked smug and sidled out without introducing me.</p><p>I put my thinking cap on. What I was dealing with in J was classic passive-aggressive behaviour. Plus he had broken up with me, and yet was still trying to control me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, he wanted me on a string as well as whoever else he could get. If someone had said to him, "You have ruined Marg for any other men," he would have seen this as the greatest accolade.</p><p></p><p>How to best respond to this? J increased the vehemence of his tales to us all about how his new girlfriend was besotted with him and told us of all the things they did together. I did my best to not react at all. Even though it had upset me, I carefully showed no emotion other than a polite smile. I realised that any further reaction, including showing any interest or curiosity, would be seen as jealousy (and therefore I was still in love with him for all to see and for him to boost his ego with). But I was curious.</p><p></p><p>So I made friends with the Asian girl. I figured she needed to be saved from the creep anyway. She had done me no harm, he as the one who had strayed and undoubtedly she had had no idea he was engaged. Although as time went on, I began to realise it had been a non-engagement, a total sham. He hadn't allowed me to tell anyone just yet, not family and not friends. As I said - creep. So I made friends with the girl and she was glad of a new friend. A female friend. In lectures, we sat three in a row - J, Asian girl and me. And Asian girl would turn and talk to me and ignore J more and more. So all the time he had been big-noting himself about how Asian girl was crazy about him, he had been digging his own credibility grave. </p><p></p><p>I also found it was a lot easier to not be jealous (and to move on) when I was friends with the new girl in his life. And to all our friends it became obvious he had been greatly enhancing his stories. His behaviour had been manipulative (and when I looked back, a vast amount of his behaviour toward me had been PA and manipulative; frankly, I was better off without him in so many ways).</p><p></p><p>A few months later husband & I got together. We had known each other for a couple of years and had gone out once, but we had both been between romances at the time. This time things just clicked. We saw each other away from uni (husband was at a different campus) but one day after a couple of months, husband turned up on my campus to look for me. He happened to be in army uniform and my buddies played along. It happened to be on a day when J was there also (he had been increasingly staying away, moving on). husband growled, "Where is she?" in mock macho, and my mates (who had met husband at a picnic a couple of weeks earlier when J was not there) played along and pretended to be afraid, then pointed to where I was (another building). They told me about it later. Apparently J shrunk down in his seat and tried to look inconspicuous. I wish I had seen it! husband noticed tis guy looking a bit terror-struck and was feeling guilty, because he really was just joking around with my mates and her was some strange bloke thinking he was serious. But from his description I knew who it was and had a good laugh. The army uniform was the last straw. Apparently that was the last time J ever sat with my friends. </p><p></p><p>My point - when you encounter passive-aggressive behaviour, you need to try to get inside their heads and work out what their payoff is. Then DON'T give it to them. Do the opposite. Trust me, it is a big win when you can do this consistently. Not only does it sabotage the PA behaviour, but YOU don't feel bad as the PA person intended. Instead, you can feel great!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 373322, member: 1991"] I just wanted to add an example of PA (passive-aggressive) behaviour and how to NOT feed it. Years before husband & I (well, about 10 months) I was engaged to a bloke, J. I really loved him, we had a lot in common. He was a few years older and (seemingly) more mature. But for reasons that never made sense at the time, he broke up with me. Said we needed a little time apart. (I realised later he had been two-timing me through the relationship, he had only asked to marry me because he wanted sex - which he didn't get). Anyway, although he was the one who broke up with me, he still seemed to want to feel that he had me running after him and not looking elsewhere. So while he talked to our group of friends (including me) about his new-found freedom and the gorgeous Asian girl he was spending time with, I could feel his eyes watching me for a reaction. He also was watching me for any signs of interest in other guys and I think he was happy that I had not moved on. The one day we were all in the same lecture at uni, and instead of sitting with all of us (the gang) J was sitting a few rows away in front of us with a beautiful Asian girl. Their heads were close together and I could feel my heart skewered. Of course he was free to see other girls although I wished he would get tis out of his system and come back to me; another girl in his life made that seem less likely. I was determined to not get upset, but I was curious - was this the girl he had been telling us about? The girl who he said was all over him, couldn't take her eyes off him? Had invited him to meet her parents? As we filed out of the lecture theatre, I found myself next to J. I said to him, "Who is your friend? You haven't introduced us." I said it calmly, in a friendly way, but when I saw the brief flash of triumph in his face, I realised I'd fallen into his trap. I thought, "You b*&^&. You only want to make me jealous." He looked smug and sidled out without introducing me. I put my thinking cap on. What I was dealing with in J was classic passive-aggressive behaviour. Plus he had broken up with me, and yet was still trying to control me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, he wanted me on a string as well as whoever else he could get. If someone had said to him, "You have ruined Marg for any other men," he would have seen this as the greatest accolade. How to best respond to this? J increased the vehemence of his tales to us all about how his new girlfriend was besotted with him and told us of all the things they did together. I did my best to not react at all. Even though it had upset me, I carefully showed no emotion other than a polite smile. I realised that any further reaction, including showing any interest or curiosity, would be seen as jealousy (and therefore I was still in love with him for all to see and for him to boost his ego with). But I was curious. So I made friends with the Asian girl. I figured she needed to be saved from the creep anyway. She had done me no harm, he as the one who had strayed and undoubtedly she had had no idea he was engaged. Although as time went on, I began to realise it had been a non-engagement, a total sham. He hadn't allowed me to tell anyone just yet, not family and not friends. As I said - creep. So I made friends with the girl and she was glad of a new friend. A female friend. In lectures, we sat three in a row - J, Asian girl and me. And Asian girl would turn and talk to me and ignore J more and more. So all the time he had been big-noting himself about how Asian girl was crazy about him, he had been digging his own credibility grave. I also found it was a lot easier to not be jealous (and to move on) when I was friends with the new girl in his life. And to all our friends it became obvious he had been greatly enhancing his stories. His behaviour had been manipulative (and when I looked back, a vast amount of his behaviour toward me had been PA and manipulative; frankly, I was better off without him in so many ways). A few months later husband & I got together. We had known each other for a couple of years and had gone out once, but we had both been between romances at the time. This time things just clicked. We saw each other away from uni (husband was at a different campus) but one day after a couple of months, husband turned up on my campus to look for me. He happened to be in army uniform and my buddies played along. It happened to be on a day when J was there also (he had been increasingly staying away, moving on). husband growled, "Where is she?" in mock macho, and my mates (who had met husband at a picnic a couple of weeks earlier when J was not there) played along and pretended to be afraid, then pointed to where I was (another building). They told me about it later. Apparently J shrunk down in his seat and tried to look inconspicuous. I wish I had seen it! husband noticed tis guy looking a bit terror-struck and was feeling guilty, because he really was just joking around with my mates and her was some strange bloke thinking he was serious. But from his description I knew who it was and had a good laugh. The army uniform was the last straw. Apparently that was the last time J ever sat with my friends. My point - when you encounter passive-aggressive behaviour, you need to try to get inside their heads and work out what their payoff is. Then DON'T give it to them. Do the opposite. Trust me, it is a big win when you can do this consistently. Not only does it sabotage the PA behaviour, but YOU don't feel bad as the PA person intended. Instead, you can feel great! Marg [/QUOTE]
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