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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 329589" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>There's your answer, Nomad. </p><p></p><p>Your son has two choices. </p><p></p><p>1) Accept this is how it is and put up with it; or</p><p></p><p>2) Do their own thing and if it fits in with her family's activities, then great! otherwise - no guilt. </p><p></p><p>My vote would be a combination of the two, but not to the point of letting anyone else control what you want to do. It's going to take a lot of strength and your daughter in law's cooperation, she will feel very uncomfortable about it and needs to be OK. But the strategy is - "We are doing X at such-and-such a time. You're all welcome to come along. Let us know."</p><p>Then do it and stick to it. Be prepared for people to straggle in like Brown's cows (or not" and also for people (ie difficult child patriarch) to throw a hissy fit and boycott whatever your son & daughter in law are doing. But that then becomes THEIR choice. Spread the word around everybody in the family, then if anybody really is getting jack of the control freak rubbish then they will be the ones to turn up and frankly, that is success.</p><p></p><p>The ultimate success is when everybody turns up and enjoys themselves. Because they then learn that being organised is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>I come from a large family. It can be done. It should be done, to be organised enouh to make it easier on family. Frankly, making it difficult is simply a way of ensuring that the family put YOU, the patriarch, first at all times. it's a way of asserting priority for its own sake.</p><p></p><p>What my parents did - yes, we had our own strong Christmas tradition. We would have Christmas lunch after opening our gifts in the morning. Christmas lunch would be followed by Christmas siesta then a swim either at a friend's pool or a trip to the beach (remember, summer Christmas here).</p><p>The fly in the ointment came with the third child to get married. The two boys had no problems, their in-laws happily changed their arrangements to have Christmas dinner in the evening and not as lunch. But when the third one, a sister, got married, her in-laws were a pain. Not for insisting that she and her husband have Christmas lunch with them, but because they were like your son's in-laws, Nomad, and simply wouldn't plan things or allow anyone else to. My mother asked my sister a month before Christmas, "When do your in-laws want Christmas lunch so we can work in with them?"</p><p>My sister asked and was told, "We definitely want Christmas lunch."</p><p>So my mother planned accordingly - we were all gonig to have our Christmas celebrations as Christmas dinnr instead. So my brothers organised with their in-laws (who were happy to have Christmas lunch instead, or if not they switched anyway) and it was all working - until my sister's in-laws changed their minds and made the change. My sister tried to ask them to change it back, but they didn't want to. Not for any real reason, it was just a whim. "Let's have Christmas dinner and get-together in the evening this year, it will be more pleasant in the cool of the evening."</p><p>So that year we had to go ahead and try to fit it all in, with family coming and going at different times. My brothers had now committed themselves to Christmas lunch with their in-laws and it was too late to change. The end result was - my sister turned up to her in-laws to find that her husband's brother and family, who was the reason her in-laws gave for not allowing a change, had also had problems with the scheduling and had left early. So they left early and came back over to our place. Of course they had already eaten and my sister was really cranky at the mucking around, it really spoiled Christmas for her.</p><p></p><p>After that, our family went back to having Christmas lunch for all those who were available, and no pressure or guilt trips for those who were not available. And we would all hang out together afterwards until a more relaxed meal in the evening for those who were still around. It was "open house" and all were welcome, as and when they were available.</p><p></p><p>This year, that is the approach we took with our kids. mother in law has always had her own strict Christmas traditions and is very inflexible with them. She will relax them if you talk to her and discuss them (which is what I did) but when it comes down to it, we get "It doesn't feel like Christmas without X and Y." </p><p>But this year I finally had my way - no pressure on the kids. We would do Christmas lunch for those who were there, but only something fairly light. We could nibble (as usual) but would only nibble quality healthy food, and not rubbishy snacks. So no big bowls of crisps but instead, carrot sticks and yogurt dip (which we all like anyway). I made a lot of sausage rolls (a bit junk food-ish but always popular) and we snacked on those for lunch instead of filling up on lollies. We had told the kids, "Have Christmas lunch with your families then come to us when you're ready. You choose when."</p><p></p><p>My reasons? I wanted our place to be the LAST stop in their day. That way they would get to us and finally be able to relax. Ww could party into the night knowing they didn't have to watch the clock and be elsewhere. We'd had beds arranged for the night and everybody stayed. So mother in law had her one big meal together for everybody, even if by then we weren't very hungry. </p><p></p><p>The thing is - at holiday times (whatever the holiday) people have pulls in increasingly different directions. Over time, people will feel more loyalty to those who don't use emotional blackmail or undue pressure. I want my kids to spend time with us because they are happy to, not because they feel they should.</p><p></p><p>If you have to deal with people who refuse to plan, then make your own plans. Be specific then invite them along. Put it in writing if necessary - emails allow you to do tat and still keep it informal. If you say, "Come along at 2 pm for a garden party at our place" and they don't turn up until 4 pm, then that is THEIR problem. If all the food is gone and people are going home already, then whose fault is that? You DID say 2 pm.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 329589, member: 1991"] There's your answer, Nomad. Your son has two choices. 1) Accept this is how it is and put up with it; or 2) Do their own thing and if it fits in with her family's activities, then great! otherwise - no guilt. My vote would be a combination of the two, but not to the point of letting anyone else control what you want to do. It's going to take a lot of strength and your daughter in law's cooperation, she will feel very uncomfortable about it and needs to be OK. But the strategy is - "We are doing X at such-and-such a time. You're all welcome to come along. Let us know." Then do it and stick to it. Be prepared for people to straggle in like Brown's cows (or not" and also for people (ie difficult child patriarch) to throw a hissy fit and boycott whatever your son & daughter in law are doing. But that then becomes THEIR choice. Spread the word around everybody in the family, then if anybody really is getting jack of the control freak rubbish then they will be the ones to turn up and frankly, that is success. The ultimate success is when everybody turns up and enjoys themselves. Because they then learn that being organised is a good thing. I come from a large family. It can be done. It should be done, to be organised enouh to make it easier on family. Frankly, making it difficult is simply a way of ensuring that the family put YOU, the patriarch, first at all times. it's a way of asserting priority for its own sake. What my parents did - yes, we had our own strong Christmas tradition. We would have Christmas lunch after opening our gifts in the morning. Christmas lunch would be followed by Christmas siesta then a swim either at a friend's pool or a trip to the beach (remember, summer Christmas here). The fly in the ointment came with the third child to get married. The two boys had no problems, their in-laws happily changed their arrangements to have Christmas dinner in the evening and not as lunch. But when the third one, a sister, got married, her in-laws were a pain. Not for insisting that she and her husband have Christmas lunch with them, but because they were like your son's in-laws, Nomad, and simply wouldn't plan things or allow anyone else to. My mother asked my sister a month before Christmas, "When do your in-laws want Christmas lunch so we can work in with them?" My sister asked and was told, "We definitely want Christmas lunch." So my mother planned accordingly - we were all gonig to have our Christmas celebrations as Christmas dinnr instead. So my brothers organised with their in-laws (who were happy to have Christmas lunch instead, or if not they switched anyway) and it was all working - until my sister's in-laws changed their minds and made the change. My sister tried to ask them to change it back, but they didn't want to. Not for any real reason, it was just a whim. "Let's have Christmas dinner and get-together in the evening this year, it will be more pleasant in the cool of the evening." So that year we had to go ahead and try to fit it all in, with family coming and going at different times. My brothers had now committed themselves to Christmas lunch with their in-laws and it was too late to change. The end result was - my sister turned up to her in-laws to find that her husband's brother and family, who was the reason her in-laws gave for not allowing a change, had also had problems with the scheduling and had left early. So they left early and came back over to our place. Of course they had already eaten and my sister was really cranky at the mucking around, it really spoiled Christmas for her. After that, our family went back to having Christmas lunch for all those who were available, and no pressure or guilt trips for those who were not available. And we would all hang out together afterwards until a more relaxed meal in the evening for those who were still around. It was "open house" and all were welcome, as and when they were available. This year, that is the approach we took with our kids. mother in law has always had her own strict Christmas traditions and is very inflexible with them. She will relax them if you talk to her and discuss them (which is what I did) but when it comes down to it, we get "It doesn't feel like Christmas without X and Y." But this year I finally had my way - no pressure on the kids. We would do Christmas lunch for those who were there, but only something fairly light. We could nibble (as usual) but would only nibble quality healthy food, and not rubbishy snacks. So no big bowls of crisps but instead, carrot sticks and yogurt dip (which we all like anyway). I made a lot of sausage rolls (a bit junk food-ish but always popular) and we snacked on those for lunch instead of filling up on lollies. We had told the kids, "Have Christmas lunch with your families then come to us when you're ready. You choose when." My reasons? I wanted our place to be the LAST stop in their day. That way they would get to us and finally be able to relax. Ww could party into the night knowing they didn't have to watch the clock and be elsewhere. We'd had beds arranged for the night and everybody stayed. So mother in law had her one big meal together for everybody, even if by then we weren't very hungry. The thing is - at holiday times (whatever the holiday) people have pulls in increasingly different directions. Over time, people will feel more loyalty to those who don't use emotional blackmail or undue pressure. I want my kids to spend time with us because they are happy to, not because they feel they should. If you have to deal with people who refuse to plan, then make your own plans. Be specific then invite them along. Put it in writing if necessary - emails allow you to do tat and still keep it informal. If you say, "Come along at 2 pm for a garden party at our place" and they don't turn up until 4 pm, then that is THEIR problem. If all the food is gone and people are going home already, then whose fault is that? You DID say 2 pm. Marg [/QUOTE]
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