Could someone please explain my difficult child to me?

[DammitJanet]

A tale of two Janets.

I was so much like your daughter. No I didnt steal my mom's clothes. Ewww! However, I did do this really manipulative little game when I was a teen where I would throw a huge tizzy fit and keep it up until they would turn over the charge card. I could turn it on and off like a switch. Now I had no idea back then why I was doing it or that it had a name or any of those lovely things. I just had these fits.

What stopped me was life intruding in my little drama. When I had to stop having everything being all about me and had little ones that were depending on me to be a grown up, well, I didnt have the time to be idiotic anymore. I still had horrible mood swings and some of the borderline was there but I got out of the parental space so I wasnt manipulating them anymore. Its hard to manipulate babies. I guess it was good for me that I had them young. Not the best idea in most cases but it worked for me.

 

[Kathy813]

Well, I got some of them back. difficult child asked husband to bring over her stuff (so much for not wanting us to know where she lives) and he told her only if she gave my stuff back. She said she had it all in a pile. I gave husband a list of what I was sure that she took. He came home with about half of the stuff but I guess it is better than nothing. He said, "She said that's all that she took" and my response was, "You believed her??????".

But half is better than none and I want this drama to end so husband is making his second trip over with the rest of her stuff. Then we cut the cord and she is on her own. I think husband is finally fed up enough that he means it this time.

Oh, and I just realized that she took another one of my favorite shirts which didn't come back in the pile . . .

 

[Fran]

Cutting the cord is a good thing. You will have to strategize how that will look so you don't do normal knee jerk behaviors.

Shrugging my shoulders and saying "I'm sorry, that must be upsetting." works for me. If that doesn't work Suz's boobble head motion works.
Then go out to dinner with husband or watch tv, call a friend or read a book. It gets easier with practice.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have also found that the word NO is a complete sentence. I never knew that before! It took Cory a few tries to understand that when I said this I meant it but we have worked this out. Now I can actually say "No, but maybe later" and he will except it. That sentence used to mean yes to him.

 

[Nomad]

Such good advice...
"No" is a complete sentence. Priceless. Strategizing....so you avoid normal knee jerk reactions...likewise. All of it.
Ya know, most therapist secretly have difficulty with Borderline (BPD) Disorder patients. Why? The frustration, confusion, .....how long it takes, with little or no result. But nevertheless, progress can be made.
If you feel strongly that this is her diagnosis, I would read all the books on it...starting with those Walking on Eggshells books.
Let go of the emotions. Detach. You have suffered enough. It does no good. I like the husband is ready to cut the chord...you two be a "united front," and enjoy life. If she wants therapy, I am sure you will do what you can to provide this (you mentioned low cost options in your area). But the rest....give it up. You need this drama like a hole in your head. So glad that relief is likely in sight. Run woman run!!!

 

[AnnieO]

I have to agree with everyone else here... I wish it worked on Onyxx... But it doesn't. Because she's only 15. She cannot GET a job (no one locally will hire her, they all know her, and we have stated we're NOT driving her so it HAS to be within walking distance, plus all the legal stuff). She won't do her chores, and I won't refuse to feed her. However even the basic food, she steals, so I had to let that one go. husband doesn't want to put locks on the pantry - the doors come off too easy. That's not the point. She hides it so we won't notice she took it. If the door is off its hinges, we'd notice.

I refuse to buy her expensive clothes anymore. She's learned to like Goodwill. Because I'll give her $10 and set her loose. Amazing what she can find. Yours can too. And... Don't give her $10!!!

Now as for the phones. We don't answer unavailable/blocked numbers, because this is what BM used to harass us repeatedly. So... No. husband's business calls can go to voice mail and he calls right back if the number is blocked. Friends know not to use blocking. And we rarely answer when BM's number comes up, just because it is usually a demand for something or other. I did once while out with H & E - she wanted information from me so she could get LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES on the kids.

So just don't answer blocked numbers. Simple. DIFFICULT - but definitely possible.