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<blockquote data-quote="Sunlight" data-source="post: 473229" data-attributes="member: 97"><p>Hi there, I remember you sending me pics of Lincoln back when he was a newborn! </p><p>Two things:</p><p>Why She Stays...is a list of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Back when I was still married, Star sent it to me, not this exact one, but one like it. I was married for 32 yrs to an emotionally abusive- not physically abusive man. many of the reasons I stayed are on the list. I did divorce him almost ten yrs ago. My life and the life of my sons got better.</p><p>here is a copy of the list:</p><p> The following list of responses have been compiled by counselors of battered women after asking questions about why she stayed in a violent relationship. (This is a pro-feminist list but many answers can be gender neutral. Note that these responses are in no particular order.)</p><p></p><p>1.Economic dependence: Who will support me and the children?</p><p>2.Children: A violent father is still better than no father at all</p><p>3.Religious and family pressure to keep the family together.</p><p>4.Security: Fear of being alone and unable to cope with the children and home by herself.</p><p>5.Loyalty: Hes sick. If he had a broken leg or cancer I would stay with him. This is no different.</p><p>6.Pity: He is so much worse off than I am.</p><p>7.Pressure to be nurturing: If I stay, I can help him get better.</p><p>8.Fear of his suicide: He says hell kill himself if I leave.</p><p>9.Denial: Its really not so bad.</p><p>10.Love: I love him. When he is not abusive he is quite loving and lovable.</p><p>11.Duty: I said Id stay married to him until death do us part.</p><p>12.Guilt: He says the marital problems are her fault and that she is the cause of his problems. She believes him.</p><p>13.Responsibility: Many people feel it is the wifes responsibility to keep the marriage together emotionally, and the husbands responsibility is financial. She believes this too.</p><p>14.Shame, embarrassment, humiliation: I dont want anyone to know.</p><p>15.Identity: Many women think they need a man to feel compete.</p><p>16.Optimism; Things will get better.</p><p>17.Low self-esteem: It must be my fault. I must deserve it. Ill never find anyone better.</p><p>18.Survival: He has threatened to find her if she ever leaves and kill her and the children.</p><p>19.Learned helplessness: When she tries unsuccessfully to stop the violence, she comes to believe that changing her situation is not possible. This is reinforced by others who ignore the problem, do not believe it really happened or blame her.</p><p>20.Controlled: Women who are controlled and terrorized by their husbands / boyfriends live with unending fear and stress. Similar to hostages, they become confused, exhausted and lack the energy needed to make changes. They lose their sense of self.</p><p></p><p></p><p>The other thing is about Lincoln. My grandson's mother is an unfit mother. To her credit, she gave him to me when he was small- as much as she could- while my son was at his worst and in jails/prison. I had my grandson most of the time til he was 5 yrs old. When his dad got out of prison and proved to me that he would be a good dad, I then turned my grandson over to my son. My son went to court and got sole custody with my blessing. My son dated/lived with a gal he met while in grade school and she became stepmother. My son married her in Sept this year. She is a wonderful person to be in my grandson's life. My grandson's mom is still not fit to have him on her own. She neglects his needs. She lets him do dangerous things-one of which led to his arm being severed down to one bone a couple years ago. (he is fine now with a huge scar on his arm). It is good that Lincoln is not with SB and good that his dad let's you be gramma still. That is such a blessing.</p><p></p><p>Print the list and give it to SB, tell her that you will be there when she chooses to leave him, or any time she needs to talk. tell her that she is not trapped and that she has choices. It took a lot of people telling me that before I left my ex husband.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sunlight, post: 473229, member: 97"] Hi there, I remember you sending me pics of Lincoln back when he was a newborn! Two things: Why She Stays...is a list of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Back when I was still married, Star sent it to me, not this exact one, but one like it. I was married for 32 yrs to an emotionally abusive- not physically abusive man. many of the reasons I stayed are on the list. I did divorce him almost ten yrs ago. My life and the life of my sons got better. here is a copy of the list: The following list of responses have been compiled by counselors of battered women after asking questions about why she stayed in a violent relationship. (This is a pro-feminist list but many answers can be gender neutral. Note that these responses are in no particular order.) 1.Economic dependence: Who will support me and the children? 2.Children: A violent father is still better than no father at all 3.Religious and family pressure to keep the family together. 4.Security: Fear of being alone and unable to cope with the children and home by herself. 5.Loyalty: Hes sick. If he had a broken leg or cancer I would stay with him. This is no different. 6.Pity: He is so much worse off than I am. 7.Pressure to be nurturing: If I stay, I can help him get better. 8.Fear of his suicide: He says hell kill himself if I leave. 9.Denial: Its really not so bad. 10.Love: I love him. When he is not abusive he is quite loving and lovable. 11.Duty: I said Id stay married to him until death do us part. 12.Guilt: He says the marital problems are her fault and that she is the cause of his problems. She believes him. 13.Responsibility: Many people feel it is the wifes responsibility to keep the marriage together emotionally, and the husbands responsibility is financial. She believes this too. 14.Shame, embarrassment, humiliation: I dont want anyone to know. 15.Identity: Many women think they need a man to feel compete. 16.Optimism; Things will get better. 17.Low self-esteem: It must be my fault. I must deserve it. Ill never find anyone better. 18.Survival: He has threatened to find her if she ever leaves and kill her and the children. 19.Learned helplessness: When she tries unsuccessfully to stop the violence, she comes to believe that changing her situation is not possible. This is reinforced by others who ignore the problem, do not believe it really happened or blame her. 20.Controlled: Women who are controlled and terrorized by their husbands / boyfriends live with unending fear and stress. Similar to hostages, they become confused, exhausted and lack the energy needed to make changes. They lose their sense of self. The other thing is about Lincoln. My grandson's mother is an unfit mother. To her credit, she gave him to me when he was small- as much as she could- while my son was at his worst and in jails/prison. I had my grandson most of the time til he was 5 yrs old. When his dad got out of prison and proved to me that he would be a good dad, I then turned my grandson over to my son. My son went to court and got sole custody with my blessing. My son dated/lived with a gal he met while in grade school and she became stepmother. My son married her in Sept this year. She is a wonderful person to be in my grandson's life. My grandson's mom is still not fit to have him on her own. She neglects his needs. She lets him do dangerous things-one of which led to his arm being severed down to one bone a couple years ago. (he is fine now with a huge scar on his arm). It is good that Lincoln is not with SB and good that his dad let's you be gramma still. That is such a blessing. Print the list and give it to SB, tell her that you will be there when she chooses to leave him, or any time she needs to talk. tell her that she is not trapped and that she has choices. It took a lot of people telling me that before I left my ex husband. [/QUOTE]
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