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Daddy's girl and Mommy's boy
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 192469" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, I'm awake now!</p><p></p><p>Actually, it's been longer than I expected, difficult child 3 was doing his online schoolwork today.</p><p></p><p>To summarise what I've got so far - GFGson and GFGdaughter are both adopted, not as newborns. There is likely to have been some degree of abuse including sexual abuse very early on, with also (and related?) attachment issues which are currently not apparent. And while GFGdaughter is doted on by her adoptive dad, he and GFGson clash and this isn't doing either of them any good. GFGdaughter is rapidly turning into a easy child( which shows the benefits of unconditional love and preferential treatment) while GFGson is still a big worry, especially with raging, his ADHD and stealing of food, especially. Plus he seems to be playing puppetmaster with his misbehaviour as if to find SOME way to control the responses of husband. </p><p></p><p>Am I close?</p><p></p><p>Also, you've found some techniques tat work for you especially, that seem to be making a big difference - but you can't get husband on the same page, he's got a short fuse especially where son is concerned.</p><p></p><p>OK, Rhonda. Here goes.</p><p></p><p>First - the suggestions to video the interactions with a view to walking husband through his behaviour - I think it's about time. Of course, your main motive for filming has to be to do a random spot-check on GFGson's behaviour, to grab a record of how he is behaving now compared to how he used to be. To support this, keep a diary on both of them/reactivate the diary, if you already have one. You use the diary to note down any problems, what you did, what helped, what didn't, who you saw, what they said, etc. Encourage husband to contribute to the diary, keep him involved.</p><p></p><p>Now, suggestions for husband and for you - you each have connected to one child and not the other. Although society indoctrinates us to feel that this is wrong and unnatural, it is actually very common. My husband admits to me often, that he and easy child can really talk to each other, but he just can't connect to easy child 2/difficult child 2 in the same way; trying to talk to her is hard work.</p><p>So, for you and husband (if you can get this across to him) - you each need to take one-on-one time with the child you need to bond with. The time you spend needs to be short enough for it to be a positive experience - if it is NOT a positive experience you have to do it again and have TWO positive experiences for each negative one. In other words, the 'reward' for having a bad time, is MORE time. So there are no excuses, no easy 'outs'. </p><p></p><p>An example of positive time - you and GFGdaughter could cook something, prepare a meal together or even better - find a recipe SHE wants, and you both work on it together. Or you could do each other's nails. Who cares if she scrapes it off almost immediately? It's the time together that matters most. And for GFGson and husband - playing a computer game together, having GFGson teach husband how to play it. Another example - have husband supervise/teach GFGson how to make something with tools. I know this sounds very sexually stereotyped, but a bit of this may be needed also. </p><p></p><p>We began doing this with difficult child 3. His reward for a tantrum-free day was fifteen minutes of playing a computer game with someone. We chose Mario Party, because it works like an interactive board game. But a board game is another good one (don't choose Monopoly!). Or a card game. Finish on a good note, with a promise of playing another game next day. </p><p></p><p>If you're doing this as a way to bond, then you need to keep it up. But you can (especially later on) bring this in as a reward for good behaviour. Or better still, expand it in a different direction.</p><p></p><p>A good book we often recommend here - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It has helped a lot of us find a better way to manage and even improve our difficult children. And I would go further - I would, in your shoes, use the same techniques on husband. </p><p></p><p>Your son - the problems are complex. The ADHD needs to be dealt with, but you're right, he's on a big dose. But then - so is difficult child 3. However, a factor you might not be aware of and which you perhaps need to consider - could at least some of his problems be related to rebound? We had this with both boys. Some kids get rebound with one stimulant, some with a different stimulant. With difficult child 1, he got rebound on ritalin but not on dexamphetamine. He was changed to dex about the same time difficult child 3 and easy child 2/difficult child 2 were diagnosed, so they never were on ritaliin.</p><p>Then we changed to slow-release (privately compounded for us) and we found the kids did even better.</p><p>Concerta is a slow-release form of ritalin. We recently tried difficult child 3 on Concerta and found problems with rebound. We switched him back to the slow-release dex and he's much better.</p><p></p><p>The rebound problems - difficult child 1 would get aggressive and violent. He attacked easy child with a screwdriver, and on the way to school one day he smashed a bottle and tried to attack another kid. Also a factor - caffeine. He was testing his limits by ingesting sweets and drinks loaded with caffeine (and 'guarana' - another name for caffeine, as far as I can tell) and this was blocking his stims. Result - rebound again.</p><p>difficult child 3's rebound effects were less aggression, more mania and pressured speech. He would talk, non-stop, like free-association. He was into everything, it was as if all the day's hyperactivity which the medications had blocked, was now coming to the surface, all in one go. Not pleasant.</p><p></p><p>We discovered the problem with difficult child 3 one weekend when we went away to visit family. difficult child 3 had forgotten to pack his medications and I didn't have his new medications (ie Concerta) in my bag as spares, I only had his old medications, and not enough of that. So we rationed his old medications and slid by over the weekend. </p><p></p><p>The difference in difficult child 3 was amazing. No rebound. Yes, a bit more scatterbrained, but otherwise not a problem. </p><p></p><p>We did try risperdal. It was very different for each boy. It was also expensive. We have now taken them both back off it - for them, any benefit was minimal and not worth the expense. Going on it difficult child 1 doubled his weight in six months. difficult child 3 didn't seem sedated like his big brother, he did gain a little weight but was still underweight for his age.</p><p></p><p>I would be considering rebound possibilities, before trying another drug. </p><p></p><p>So my suggestions, in a nutshell - </p><p></p><p>1) get "The Explosive Child". read it, or read summaries of it (in "Early Childhood"). Try it out on both kids and husband. The book should help find a different (hopefully much more effective) ways to deal with tantrums.</p><p></p><p>2) Spend quality time (brief but frequent, always positive) each of you, with each kid you have least connection to.</p><p></p><p>3) Later on, consider rewarding a tantrum-free day with a 15 minute quality time reward. Don't reward with material things, reward with your time.</p><p></p><p>4) Others have suggested you videotape the behaviour of the kids. If this also tapes husband with the kids so you catch the problems on tape - great. It gives you a chance to talk to him about his favouritism.</p><p></p><p>One final thing - if you can get husband to lurk here or post here, so much the better. It has really helped me and husband, but if your husband isn't ready for this don't push him.</p><p></p><p>Stick around. Help is here.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 192469, member: 1991"] OK, I'm awake now! Actually, it's been longer than I expected, difficult child 3 was doing his online schoolwork today. To summarise what I've got so far - GFGson and GFGdaughter are both adopted, not as newborns. There is likely to have been some degree of abuse including sexual abuse very early on, with also (and related?) attachment issues which are currently not apparent. And while GFGdaughter is doted on by her adoptive dad, he and GFGson clash and this isn't doing either of them any good. GFGdaughter is rapidly turning into a easy child( which shows the benefits of unconditional love and preferential treatment) while GFGson is still a big worry, especially with raging, his ADHD and stealing of food, especially. Plus he seems to be playing puppetmaster with his misbehaviour as if to find SOME way to control the responses of husband. Am I close? Also, you've found some techniques tat work for you especially, that seem to be making a big difference - but you can't get husband on the same page, he's got a short fuse especially where son is concerned. OK, Rhonda. Here goes. First - the suggestions to video the interactions with a view to walking husband through his behaviour - I think it's about time. Of course, your main motive for filming has to be to do a random spot-check on GFGson's behaviour, to grab a record of how he is behaving now compared to how he used to be. To support this, keep a diary on both of them/reactivate the diary, if you already have one. You use the diary to note down any problems, what you did, what helped, what didn't, who you saw, what they said, etc. Encourage husband to contribute to the diary, keep him involved. Now, suggestions for husband and for you - you each have connected to one child and not the other. Although society indoctrinates us to feel that this is wrong and unnatural, it is actually very common. My husband admits to me often, that he and easy child can really talk to each other, but he just can't connect to easy child 2/difficult child 2 in the same way; trying to talk to her is hard work. So, for you and husband (if you can get this across to him) - you each need to take one-on-one time with the child you need to bond with. The time you spend needs to be short enough for it to be a positive experience - if it is NOT a positive experience you have to do it again and have TWO positive experiences for each negative one. In other words, the 'reward' for having a bad time, is MORE time. So there are no excuses, no easy 'outs'. An example of positive time - you and GFGdaughter could cook something, prepare a meal together or even better - find a recipe SHE wants, and you both work on it together. Or you could do each other's nails. Who cares if she scrapes it off almost immediately? It's the time together that matters most. And for GFGson and husband - playing a computer game together, having GFGson teach husband how to play it. Another example - have husband supervise/teach GFGson how to make something with tools. I know this sounds very sexually stereotyped, but a bit of this may be needed also. We began doing this with difficult child 3. His reward for a tantrum-free day was fifteen minutes of playing a computer game with someone. We chose Mario Party, because it works like an interactive board game. But a board game is another good one (don't choose Monopoly!). Or a card game. Finish on a good note, with a promise of playing another game next day. If you're doing this as a way to bond, then you need to keep it up. But you can (especially later on) bring this in as a reward for good behaviour. Or better still, expand it in a different direction. A good book we often recommend here - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It has helped a lot of us find a better way to manage and even improve our difficult children. And I would go further - I would, in your shoes, use the same techniques on husband. Your son - the problems are complex. The ADHD needs to be dealt with, but you're right, he's on a big dose. But then - so is difficult child 3. However, a factor you might not be aware of and which you perhaps need to consider - could at least some of his problems be related to rebound? We had this with both boys. Some kids get rebound with one stimulant, some with a different stimulant. With difficult child 1, he got rebound on ritalin but not on dexamphetamine. He was changed to dex about the same time difficult child 3 and easy child 2/difficult child 2 were diagnosed, so they never were on ritaliin. Then we changed to slow-release (privately compounded for us) and we found the kids did even better. Concerta is a slow-release form of ritalin. We recently tried difficult child 3 on Concerta and found problems with rebound. We switched him back to the slow-release dex and he's much better. The rebound problems - difficult child 1 would get aggressive and violent. He attacked easy child with a screwdriver, and on the way to school one day he smashed a bottle and tried to attack another kid. Also a factor - caffeine. He was testing his limits by ingesting sweets and drinks loaded with caffeine (and 'guarana' - another name for caffeine, as far as I can tell) and this was blocking his stims. Result - rebound again. difficult child 3's rebound effects were less aggression, more mania and pressured speech. He would talk, non-stop, like free-association. He was into everything, it was as if all the day's hyperactivity which the medications had blocked, was now coming to the surface, all in one go. Not pleasant. We discovered the problem with difficult child 3 one weekend when we went away to visit family. difficult child 3 had forgotten to pack his medications and I didn't have his new medications (ie Concerta) in my bag as spares, I only had his old medications, and not enough of that. So we rationed his old medications and slid by over the weekend. The difference in difficult child 3 was amazing. No rebound. Yes, a bit more scatterbrained, but otherwise not a problem. We did try risperdal. It was very different for each boy. It was also expensive. We have now taken them both back off it - for them, any benefit was minimal and not worth the expense. Going on it difficult child 1 doubled his weight in six months. difficult child 3 didn't seem sedated like his big brother, he did gain a little weight but was still underweight for his age. I would be considering rebound possibilities, before trying another drug. So my suggestions, in a nutshell - 1) get "The Explosive Child". read it, or read summaries of it (in "Early Childhood"). Try it out on both kids and husband. The book should help find a different (hopefully much more effective) ways to deal with tantrums. 2) Spend quality time (brief but frequent, always positive) each of you, with each kid you have least connection to. 3) Later on, consider rewarding a tantrum-free day with a 15 minute quality time reward. Don't reward with material things, reward with your time. 4) Others have suggested you videotape the behaviour of the kids. If this also tapes husband with the kids so you catch the problems on tape - great. It gives you a chance to talk to him about his favouritism. One final thing - if you can get husband to lurk here or post here, so much the better. It has really helped me and husband, but if your husband isn't ready for this don't push him. Stick around. Help is here. Marg [/QUOTE]
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