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Daughter and daughter in law both being horrible to m
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 665170" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Dee, and welcome to the Parent Emeritus forum. </p><p></p><p>First, I am so sorry for your hurt, and for the fact that you were excluded. It sounds like you ended up with a party of your own with the other two grandkids---which is great! Make lemonade from those lemons, right?---and then that also turned sour. </p><p></p><p>Beyond the recent experiences, how is your relationship with your grown children? Is it usually better or is this par for the course? When you get a chance, tell us more so we can have a fuller picture. </p><p></p><p>I don't know about you, but this millennial generation can be really tough to take. Both of my boys are 29 and 26, and I have a soon-to-be daughter-in-law, and they just do things very very differently and see the world very very differently from how I see it. Maybe that's the way it's always been with one generation and another but it's all new to us! </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't think you need to cut them off. I think, like many parents, we all have to learn how to be more effective with our adult kids. </p><p></p><p>I am learning to take my grown kids with a grain (three or four grains) of salt, and to set boundaries. In so many relationships, it is boundaries that are lacking. </p><p></p><p>Have you had a chance to do any reading about boundaries? A great first book is actually titled Boundaries and it's by two doctors: Cloud and Townsend. It has a Christian perspective, which some like and some don't, but it's a very clear, easy read and it has taught me a lot about what boundaries are, how to set them, what will happen when we do (people get mad) and how to navigate the aftermath.</p><p></p><p>Basically, setting boundaries means we are deciding where we start and stop and where another person---in this case our grown children---start and stop. We are recognizing that we have rights, and that they have rights, to make decisions about our own lives. </p><p></p><p>We realize we are separate people and we can decide what we will and will not do, and what we will and will not tolerate. This isn't a "mean" thing. This is healthy adult behavior. </p><p></p><p>We can go slow in setting boundaries. You don't have to cut anybody off. You don't have to make any big announcements or make a big emotional deal of it. You can just decide (and you can also change your mind) what you will and won't do...the next time something comes up with your grown children.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you'll say: I'm sorry, but I can't make the cakes this year. I'd still love to come if that works out for everybody.</p><p></p><p>And then you wait, and you see what happens, and you accept what happens---because they will set a boundary too.</p><p></p><p>It may not be fair or right, and even punitive---the boundaries they are setting, like the birthday party---but your response can be calm and measured. </p><p></p><p>You can hope for the best, and expect something less and be prepared for it. After all, they are adults and entitled to decide about the guest list (even if they bobbled it very badly and rudely) and your job is to accept that decision.</p><p></p><p>I am finding that when I set clear and kind boundaries---again this isn't a mean thing---and I am calm and measured in how I talk about them, I can go on with my life, having said it and having worked through my emotions about whatever they say back, and then...in time...let it go.</p><p></p><p>I just recently went through a pretty rough time with my older son's wedding planning. I posted about it on this site.</p><p></p><p>I cried and cried and was very upset by many of their decisions. I got way off track with my own response. I was into their business about their wedding, way too much. After I realized that, I asked that the three of us---my son, his fiancee and I---meet for dinner to have a conversation about what had been going on. I decided to listen first, before I talked. I decided to immediately apologize when it was my turn to talk, and also to state clearly---but kindly---what I did not like about how we interacted. What I hoped we could do next time, and how much I want their wedding to be exactly as they imagine it---not how I imagine it---and how much I wish the very best for them in their wedding and their lives. </p><p></p><p>Had they hurt me? Yes. Had they hurt other people by their lack of planning and inability to make decisions? Yes. Was I embarrassed to call people and uninvite them to their wedding? Yes. </p><p></p><p>The whole thing was not handled well at all by them. But okay, so it is what it is. We all process that, we get past it, and then we learn to accept what they have decided.</p><p></p><p>We do that to preserve the relationship, which to me is the most important thing. </p><p></p><p>Since we had that dinner---a couple of months ago---I have been able to let go of my hurt and disappointment and anger about all of this. I have been able to listen to their plans and be glad. I've seen them come around and soften in many of their positions. </p><p></p><p>I think one reason is because I'm not pushing on them to do things my way. They are coming to me, because when they do, I am responding kindly and calmly.</p><p></p><p>We are all learning here together on this board how to navigate difficult adult relationships---and some of the trickiest are with our own adult children.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you. We're glad you are here. Please share with us when you can. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 665170, member: 17542"] Hi Dee, and welcome to the Parent Emeritus forum. First, I am so sorry for your hurt, and for the fact that you were excluded. It sounds like you ended up with a party of your own with the other two grandkids---which is great! Make lemonade from those lemons, right?---and then that also turned sour. Beyond the recent experiences, how is your relationship with your grown children? Is it usually better or is this par for the course? When you get a chance, tell us more so we can have a fuller picture. I don't know about you, but this millennial generation can be really tough to take. Both of my boys are 29 and 26, and I have a soon-to-be daughter-in-law, and they just do things very very differently and see the world very very differently from how I see it. Maybe that's the way it's always been with one generation and another but it's all new to us! I don't think you need to cut them off. I think, like many parents, we all have to learn how to be more effective with our adult kids. I am learning to take my grown kids with a grain (three or four grains) of salt, and to set boundaries. In so many relationships, it is boundaries that are lacking. Have you had a chance to do any reading about boundaries? A great first book is actually titled Boundaries and it's by two doctors: Cloud and Townsend. It has a Christian perspective, which some like and some don't, but it's a very clear, easy read and it has taught me a lot about what boundaries are, how to set them, what will happen when we do (people get mad) and how to navigate the aftermath. Basically, setting boundaries means we are deciding where we start and stop and where another person---in this case our grown children---start and stop. We are recognizing that we have rights, and that they have rights, to make decisions about our own lives. We realize we are separate people and we can decide what we will and will not do, and what we will and will not tolerate. This isn't a "mean" thing. This is healthy adult behavior. We can go slow in setting boundaries. You don't have to cut anybody off. You don't have to make any big announcements or make a big emotional deal of it. You can just decide (and you can also change your mind) what you will and won't do...the next time something comes up with your grown children. Maybe you'll say: I'm sorry, but I can't make the cakes this year. I'd still love to come if that works out for everybody. And then you wait, and you see what happens, and you accept what happens---because they will set a boundary too. It may not be fair or right, and even punitive---the boundaries they are setting, like the birthday party---but your response can be calm and measured. You can hope for the best, and expect something less and be prepared for it. After all, they are adults and entitled to decide about the guest list (even if they bobbled it very badly and rudely) and your job is to accept that decision. I am finding that when I set clear and kind boundaries---again this isn't a mean thing---and I am calm and measured in how I talk about them, I can go on with my life, having said it and having worked through my emotions about whatever they say back, and then...in time...let it go. I just recently went through a pretty rough time with my older son's wedding planning. I posted about it on this site. I cried and cried and was very upset by many of their decisions. I got way off track with my own response. I was into their business about their wedding, way too much. After I realized that, I asked that the three of us---my son, his fiancee and I---meet for dinner to have a conversation about what had been going on. I decided to listen first, before I talked. I decided to immediately apologize when it was my turn to talk, and also to state clearly---but kindly---what I did not like about how we interacted. What I hoped we could do next time, and how much I want their wedding to be exactly as they imagine it---not how I imagine it---and how much I wish the very best for them in their wedding and their lives. Had they hurt me? Yes. Had they hurt other people by their lack of planning and inability to make decisions? Yes. Was I embarrassed to call people and uninvite them to their wedding? Yes. The whole thing was not handled well at all by them. But okay, so it is what it is. We all process that, we get past it, and then we learn to accept what they have decided. We do that to preserve the relationship, which to me is the most important thing. Since we had that dinner---a couple of months ago---I have been able to let go of my hurt and disappointment and anger about all of this. I have been able to listen to their plans and be glad. I've seen them come around and soften in many of their positions. I think one reason is because I'm not pushing on them to do things my way. They are coming to me, because when they do, I am responding kindly and calmly. We are all learning here together on this board how to navigate difficult adult relationships---and some of the trickiest are with our own adult children. We're here for you. We're glad you are here. Please share with us when you can. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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Daughter and daughter in law both being horrible to m
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