Daughter is now homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kim Morse, Nov 26, 2015.

  1. Rosybird

    Rosybird New Member

    This forum has helpful for me this morning. I have a 25 year old daughter that refuses to do anything to change her life. My husband (her step dad) and I have been trying to help my daughter for over a year now. She was on the street and we bought a new home and had room for her. She would not come to us without her boyfriend and he became unwanted very quick.We tried to help them get jobs and even helped my daughter in a mental clinic because she said she was suicidal which they prescribed her adderrol which they took the whole bottle in a matter of days. We finally got him out and at that time she did not leave with him but we gave her a deadline or told her she had to go into a rehab facility which we were going to pay for at the tune of $18000.00 (she is also addicted to pain pills) and she found a friend to stay with in another state. She wanted to come home a few months later and we said no. She managed to find her way back to Florida (where we are) and she managed staying in a hotel for a while. She works when she feels like it as a cam girl but only when she really wants to and needs internet and a computer to do that. They also keep messing up her pay (so she says). She came back here shortly again when she couldn't pay for her hotel and broke her computer and we gave her a deadline to be out again. We also bought her a new computer. She left that time back to a hotel. About two months ago she developed a bad tooth ache and claimed she couldn't work and I brought her back for "three days" to get her tooth taken care of. That took a week and then she wanted to go back to the clinic she went to when she was suicidal. That lasted two days because they wouldn't subscribe her whats she wanted. We then told her she would have to leave and she came to us and said she wanted to go to bartending school and if we could just let her stay here until she finished with that. We agreed but she never earned enough to go. We found out that she was making some money (which she said she wasn't because she lost her computer cord at a friends house who wouldn't send it back) and spending it on drugs and paying for phone time with the boyfriend. I told her she had two days to get out and she told me we would have to "evict" her. My husband and I really didn't want a big drama scene and decided to talk to her again about setting a time line to get out. She refused and started yelling and screaming about our rules and how horrible and that I wouldn't stay out of her things (she was a complete slob and I would clean up after her because I couldn't stand it and would find things she didn't want me to see). My husband who has completely had it by now got very angry and backer her against the wall. She started screaming that he attacked her and wanted to call the police. My husband called for her and the police made her leave that night. A friend came and picked her up. Ever since she has been texting me daily with hate and venom. She has told me she is out on the street, sleeping in her friends car because his parents won't let her sleep in the house (he is 30) and she texted me this morning that she had not eaten in two days and that it was my job to take care of her and how could I do this to her. She also copied the information from my debit card and used it to buy phone time with her jailed boyfriend. We had to change all our cards and report it to our bank. She has two children that she has NO legal rights to that I see on a regular basis and she keeps threatening that I will never see them again, but their father says that I can see them whenever I want. I have them here with me for Thanksgiving. I am exhausted and reading some of these other stories helps me to see that I can't keep trying to take care of her forever. I am done!!

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/and-the-drama-continues.61371/#ixzz3sccQFHmA
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi...you may want to change your name as this is not private so we don't use our real names. I feel for you as my son age 25 was kicked out of a sober living place for drinking...so as of today I believe he is on the streets....take care of yourself today which is what I am trying to do.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Kim,

    I am so sorry for all that you have been going through. Your story is a familiar one here on this site. You have done all you can to help your daughter. It is very common for our adult difficult children to spew their venom and hatred towards us and to blame us for their messed up lives. Do not buy into it.

    One thing I know for sure is parents who find their way to this site are loving parents who truly care about their children but are at the end to their rope in how to deal with it all. Parents that don't care will never seek out this site.

    You have done well in getting her out of your house. You may also want to change the locks on your house. It's good that you took care of the credit cards.

    Your daughter is 25 and it's up to her what she will choose to do with her life, that is on her. We as parents have no control or power over what our adult children do with their lives.

    I'm glad you found us here. You will find much needed support from us "warrior parents"

    *****as a way to stay anonymous we do not use our real names or our real pictures******

    ((HUGS)) to you today...................
  4. Rosybird

    Rosybird New Member

    Thanks....will not let me change my user name.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Good morning and welcome to the forum.

    This says it all.

    You have done and done and done, just like most of us here have done. Finally, maybe, we become sick and tired enough to say STOP. This is insanity. I'm working harder than you are to change your life. Something is really backward here.

    As long as your daughter is using drugs, there will be no changing. That is the sad truth. You can't talk long enough or provide enough for her to want to stop.

    In fact, she has to be sick and tired enough of her own life to want to stop and who would be, when other people are dancing as fast as they can to give them every opportunity...and just one more change...try it one more time...maybe THIS TIME...

    It's a circle. And we have to stop it first. If nothing changes, nothing changes. WE have to be the first step of change.

    We have to say No More, and then we have to stick to it. It's a two-part deal, and it's really really hard. Get ready to be really inconsistent for a while, but one truth I learned is this:

    Just changing one single thing in your interactions with your daughter will have an effect.

    So go slow, and start taking really good care of yourself and your husband while you are working this new path of change.

    Change in you.

    If you will change how you interact with her, then she will have a CHANCE to change. It may not happen for a long, long time, so you will have to start learning how to be very strong in the face of her anger and her pushing on you.

    Your daughter has had plenty of chances. Now, it's time for you to start setting strong boundaries with her, not mean but kindly, and working to learn how to stick to them, no matter what she does or says.

    Going slow will help because you won't have to second-guess yourself all the time about going too far, and then having to back up.

    Your daughter needs a chance to change. She is a grown woman and should be taking care of herself at this point. If you will get out of the way (and I mean that very kindly), she might start having that chance.

    Happy Thanksgiving! I hope today you can turn the bright light back to yourself and your husband, realize that we can't change another person, ever, and people are on their own journeys. We need to reclaim OUR journey and let them go.

    We're here for you. Warm hugs today.
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  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kim, welcome to our little corner of the world.

    This is an anonymous site so you may want to take the picture down and if that is your real name, you may want to create a screen name.

    You have done everything, you have done enough, you do not need to keep helping your daughter. Your daughter's life is her own now, you've done what most of us here do, which is everything we can think of to help, until we recognize that none of it helped at all, in fact, our enabling has had a negative impact.

    When we stop the enabling, the reaction your daughter is having is a common one, they turn on us, they manipulate us so that we will continue with the help. All the blame and accusations are to get the desired result, that you continue to be responsible for her life.

    It sounds as if it is time to let go. I have a 42 year old daughter who I used to help as you have done with your daughter. It did no good at all. Once I stopped, our relationship improved. Her lifestyle didn't change much, but she stopped blaming and manipulating me because we were both clear that that was not going to work anymore.

    You cannot change or control your daughter, but you can control your responses. My experience is that it is very hard to do that alone. Counseling, 12 step groups, Al anon, parent groups, whatever support you can find will help this struggle diminish for you. We need support to stop the runaway train of helping that most of us get entrenched in.

    Keep posting, get support, know that you have done enough now. You are not alone, we are all here for you, we've been in your shoes.

    You may want to read some books to help you. Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, The power of now by Eckhart Tolle, Living with uncertainty by Pema Chodron were helpful to me.

    It is exhausting to continue trying to save someone who is not interested in being saved........and it doesn't work. Your daughter will change when she decides to do so not because of anything you have done or will think to do. You will likely need to let go and allow her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior......and I know how difficult that is, but it is the only way our kids learn to grab the reins of their own lives...........

    Hang in there. We're here if you need us. Focus on yourself and enjoy your day today........
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  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If you look in the upper right hand corner of the forum page, you will see your user name.
    Click on that. And choose "personal details".
    On the left hand side is a list of options.
    One option is to change your username.
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Hi Kim, I'm so sorry you have had to find us but glad we are able to help in any way we can. There's nothing more painful than having your child spiraling downward and not able to help. You have gone above and beyond, trying to help your daughter and you are right that she can't be helped until she's really, truly ready.

    Stay with us. Vent as often as you need. You are not alone.
  9. Rosybird

    Rosybird New Member

    Thanks for all the great words. It has helped a great deal today. I think what is so hard for me is that I have come so far in trying to come from a place of love in my life and sometimes seeing her suffer doesn't seem like love. I worked with a Byron Katie "work" facilitor the night we kicked her out and she helped me see that I was not taking control of my own life by letting her stay here and manipulate. Now I need to take control by ignoring her venom at me now. Thanks to all of you I can see that it is my only hope. Only hope that she will change and only hope for my life to be what I need it to be. Thank you. I am sure I will be here again. Maybe I will be able to pay it forward.
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  10. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    Welcome Rosybird..I am new to this Website and have found a lot of support here in these sometimes seemingly impossible situations.l that mist if us,are dealing with. .But I am finding answers and learning from others. Please join us..
    The big thing is that I am now on the list! I need some periods of peace, even if just a few hours..I need and deserve some rest and time to take care of me too! I matter and so do you..! With a little rest slowly we can think things through and make better decisions on how to handle these very difficult situation. Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to the chaos..I have been in the middle of it so often..but now learning to stay on the edge of it. Keep sharing.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Rosybird, so sorry for your hurting heart and your need to be here. I am glad that others' stories have helped you to see that this is a problem you cannot fix.
    We have no control over what our adult children are doing.
    Our d cs have to see the need, and want to stop making bad choices.
    I think this is really good advice.
    I have read things like this over again. It took me a while to understand that whenever my two would come to ask for help, live at home, etc. they seemed to have wanted change. Each time, it was the same pattern, over and over. We would try to help them, and they ended up going down the same path, using drugs, and using us. Someone had to stop the crazy, and it wasn't going to be them.
    So, we did.
    We did not want to fund their partying, drug use and downfall, by making life easier for them.

    I know this feeling. We want so badly to help, it goes against our nature to nurture, to not try. We had a series of comings and goings. It was a mess. It was a revolving door, trying just one more time, over and again. I look back now and realize we just prolonged the suffering, theirs and ours. You are right Rosybird, it doesn't seem like love to let go. But the awful part of continuing to hang on and help, is that our eldest is 36, and out there. We took too long to see the light. My husband has cousins in their 70's, caring for their 50 year old d c's who never launched.
    Giving your girl her wings, is the best thing you can do for her. It doesn't feel right. It hurts, but you will get through it.
    The honest truth is, the more we "loved" and "helped" our two, the deeper they went into their addictions. The honest truth is, our d c's don't get better in our homes, they get worse.
    We provide a safety net for them, and they rely on that to continue their downfall, not end it.
    This is true. The only thing you have control of, is you.
    We as parents cannot control the choices of our adult d c's.
    What we do have control of, is living our lives to the fullest.
    I believe, by doing this, getting out of the way, out of the whirlpool of their behaviors and living our lives, we are showing them by our actions, the best way to live.
    It is hard, but you are already doing this Rosybird. Stand firm in your convictions, and you will be doing your daughter a huge favor, by showing her she has got to get a handle on her life, for herself.
    In the meantime, take time to work on yourself, to build yourself back up.
    It is exhausting to come out of the fire of this.
    You are doing it.
    Stay strong and keep posting.
    There are so many good people here, who are on this same journey, in all different stages.

    We learn from one another. It is good to have a network of support.

    Hang in there Rosybird, you are not alone.

    Peace to you.
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  12. Rosybird

    Rosybird New Member

    I wrote her today to tell her what I was willing to do and not do...setting boundaries but letting her know that I still loved her and cared about her well being. She texted me back and told me that I was dead to her and to lose her number. Disappointed and sad but I am definitely ok. I guess you know when you have reached your breaking point and there is actually a little bit of peace and relief in that. Is that normal or am I just numb?
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's both. It is very normal to feel that way, it means that you are successfully detaching and that is a very good thing. Being numb is also normal. You cannot go through what you have and not be a little numb.

    I think you sending her that letter was a very loving thing to do. You set clear boundaries and are letting her know that you will no longer allow her to manipulate you and because of that, her response does not surprise.

    You are doing really well with all this Rosybird. Stay steady the course. You will get through this.

  14. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    Hi Rosybird,
    How great thst you stated your boundaries in such a loving way...don't know but maybe that is why you have a little peace.. You have done what you can and the ball is in her court.
    The nasty is the disease and that the Difficult Child's hate when we begin to put the limits out to them.
    I used to change my mind and,enable when my son became angry with me, I was so entangled in his disease..you are doing well.
    You are not alone Rosybird..
    I hope you can get some rest and do something nice for you.
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Going through the numbness right now too. It kind of comes and goes with the gamut of other feelings. We are only human, and I think this could be one of the hardest things to face.
    You did the right thing, it really is up to our adult d cs to make better choices for their lives. Stay strong and keep hanging in there. As other warrior moms said, do something nice for yourself. It is important to rebuild ourselves, to keep healthy and well, we have a life to live to the fullest.

  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think your reaction is normal and so is the numbness. I found it easier in some ways when my son got nasty like that because it would make me mad...cause I know I don't deserve that treatment....and I find mad is easier than sad.

    So you did good....you set loving boundaries and it is what she needs. Her nasty texts were a form of manipulation to try and have you give her what she wants....it's really important that you don't let that kind of behavior work.

    And there is hope as long as they are alive even when it feels hopeless. So right now take care of you, do things you like to do. She knows you are there.
  17. My Life

    My Life New Member

    I understand how u r feeling and know the pain. My prayers are with you.
  18. Rosybird

    Rosybird New Member

    I don't believe it. After I wrote her and told her no more money as part of my boundaries and she replied for me to lose her number, I was dead to her and she would not even come to my funeral. After all that hatred she texted me this morning and asked me for $40 because she will be out in the cold tonight (we live in Florida), the friend who she has been staying with is out of town and the money on her card is pending(same ole story-she can never access her money). I don't even no what to say to her.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2015
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well...that tells you a lot about her. Maybe without drug use she is not like this, but drugs have made her value the money you give her (probably used for drugs) more than you right n ow. It can and will probably change if she gets help and gets better. She doesn't need to be in the cold.There are shelters, but they have rules (like no drugs). Also there are places that feed the homeless, like the Salvation Army and many churches. I volunteered at a church that fed and had mattresses for the homeless and it was always full and the food...yum. Church ladies cooked. Street folks know where to go, but like to make us feel guilty with that. She didn't mean what she said...the drugs were talking...or her FEAR of not having money for drugs.That doesn't excuse it though.

    If I were you, I would wait for her to call again, then do more listening than talking.You can probably go online to find shelters in her area and give her the addresses. I would never give her money....she will likely use it for drugs. If you want to get her anything or get her a room, I'd pay by credit card over the phone. Of course, this is your decision.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Rosybird, I have been right where you are with this. One day so much disrespect, then, asking for something. It is hard. I am sorry for what you are going through. Even though our d cs can have so much venom, we still love them and worry for them.
    It is difficult to hear these things from our d cs. I have learned that waiting is always good. It is a world of chaos and drama, they live in, and we get dragged into it when they come to us with sad stories. They know just how to tug at our heart strings. Take some time for yourself, Rosybird, you have time to think things over.

    This is true. I do think we become easy targets, and our mommy love is walked upon. I do not think they think of us the same way we are thinking of them. When my girls are using, it is not just drugs they use, sadly, it is us, too.

    This is true.
    Yes, indeed, there is no excuse for the manipulation. It is hard to know what to do. It is true that there is help out there, but they do not want to follow the rules.

    I think this is good advice. Money is just a way for them to buy drugs. We love our d cs and do not want to see them suffer, but, what are their choices? How did they get this way? These are consequences of their paths that they choose.
    My daughter is out there, too. I see her from time to time. Somedays she is raggedy and depressed. Saturday, she came up to the house all bubbly, on a moped, she said she "found" it. HUH. Well, I do not think people just throw those things away.
    This is very tricky, dealing with my d cs drug use and the choices they make. It is not the lifestyle I would live, or wish upon them. They are adults and there is nothing I can do to stop them from going down the road they are on. We already tried many times, to no avail.
    So, now it is about building ourselves up, and living our lives. Deciding in our right minds, not on their chaotic, drama timeframe, when and what we should or should not do for them. The determining factor being, will they use this "help" to continue using drugs?
    It is a fine line, loving detachment. Have you read the article in the P.E forum? It is a good reminder for me.

    Take care Rosybird, you are not alone, it is hard. You have a life and great value. I hope you are able to take precious time to build yourself up.

    Peace to you