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Daughter "wants to have a relationship" - I'm SCARED
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676637" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am so sorry your daughter decided to involve you and then, chose not to have her baby.</p><p></p><p>I felt really bad for you when I read that.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/sorrowsmiley2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":sorrowsmiley2:" title="sorrow :sorrowsmiley2:" data-shortname=":sorrowsmiley2:" /></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>You note that your child has a mental health diagnosis. I think it would be helpful for you to learn to anticipate the ways this daughter's illness will erupt into your relationship. Much of what she will do is out of her control. To us, to the moms who love and miss them and who don't understand why everything has to hurt like this, very little of it will make sense. That she hurts you, that she is outrageously unpredictable...you are right. You are her mother. Once we have the rottenness of a diagnosis and once we finally accept it and once we know how that looks in real life, then we can figure out the best way to be their moms. My daughter wants from me a place of sane response. She wants me to understand she loves me, even when it looks like she hates me and even when she believes she hates me, herself. </p><p></p><p>That means I have to trust myself, very much. I have to be certain I am coming from a centered place myself, and I have to be as sure as I can know to be that the words I say to her are good words, and strengthening words and concepts.</p><p></p><p>I have to watch out that I don't get into a "better than you" place.</p><p></p><p>Mostly, what my daughter needs from me is a sane place from which to view her own parenting. Those are the kinds of things I mean, when I post that if you could learn where your child is likely to take her relationship to you ~ and why ~ you will feel better prepared for what happens. One of our moms here on P.E. has struggled with her own issues, and she taught us that an illness is not an excuse. It is just what it is. So, we are right to hold our children accountable for their words and actions.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing to learn to parent a child battling something we don't understand. But once we decide that is what we are going to do, there is all kinds of information. On the internet. On Crisis Support lines. Through Social Services. There is N.A.M.I. (National Association of Mental Illness). They are a group of parents and family familiar with what is happening in our families, and can be a source of strength and referral for us.</p><p></p><p>I think your answer to your child was perfect. I am so glad you responded. I think it was right to wait until you felt you were making the correct response. That was a huge step forward for me ~ when I realized I have time. I don't have to know "right now". It is better, always, to take time, to be sure.</p><p></p><p>We can give ourselves that small grace.</p><p></p><p>This stuff is so hard.</p><p></p><p>I would be afraid, too.</p><p></p><p>I would be so afraid, too.</p><p></p><p>I know that because I am afraid, alot. I don't know what to do, either. So, I do my best. I do love her. I say so. I do feel badly this is happening to her. I say that, too.</p><p></p><p>We are only their moms. We cannot change what is happening to them and most times, we can't change anything, at all. We still have to figure out how to do this. Mostly, we are responsible for loving them, and for helping them to be strong enough and brave enough to face what is happening to them. It is easier to not be afraid when I know what it is I most hope to do for my child. Mostly, that is only to love her. Part of loving her well was learning to love myself. Part of teaching her how to make her way in the world is refusing to allow her to treat me badly <em>or to treat myself badly</em>.</p><p></p><p>We teach them more by who we are than in any other way.</p><p></p><p>So, it makes sense that part of our learning will be making ourselves as healthy as we know to be.</p><p></p><p>And as kind. </p><p></p><p>So, probably what I am trying to say is that, since we already know we love them, we are half-way there. All we need to know now is how to help them be brave enough to live their lives well in spite of their illnesses. </p><p></p><p>That is the goal, here.</p><p></p><p>There are so many new developments in the field of mental health. Maybe, we are close to a cure; maybe, this could happen in their lifetimes ~ or in ours. </p><p></p><p>So, for me, that is pretty much my question: How to be brave enough to face what has happened to my child so I can not be offended, so I don't go down the tubes myself, so I can help her in whatever small ways I can?</p><p></p><p>This helps me, sometimes. It is from the Kennedy boy who chairs The Special Olympics.</p><p></p><p><em>Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave.</em></p><p></p><p>Sometimes, that doesn't help me.<em> But that's okay.</em> Nothing about any of this is easy and most of the time, it isn't very sweet, either.</p><p></p><p>Your child is frightened, too.</p><p></p><p>She does not know how to do this, either. So, because you are the mom, you will have to be the one who sets the tone. (Does that suck or what?!? Like we ever once thought we needed to know how to do what we are suddenly required to know how to do. For heaven's sake!) She will breeze in and out of your life, blaming you for everything and hating you for it because she cannot hate herself for what she does. If she did, she would not survive. That is what I mean about understanding why they do what they do.</p><p></p><p>They love us almost desperately. Sometimes, I think there is no difference between them and ourselves in their minds. Sometimes, I think they hate themselves because they know they are different and would give anything if that were not so. Sometimes, they hate us because that's the flavor of the day.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>The hardest part is when I don't understand. And that happens so much. So, I have to forgive myself about that. But we can learn Tess, and things will be a little better, because we will not be so scared.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>What do you think your daughter wants?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676637, member: 17461"] I am so sorry your daughter decided to involve you and then, chose not to have her baby. I felt really bad for you when I read that. :sorrowsmiley2: *** You note that your child has a mental health diagnosis. I think it would be helpful for you to learn to anticipate the ways this daughter's illness will erupt into your relationship. Much of what she will do is out of her control. To us, to the moms who love and miss them and who don't understand why everything has to hurt like this, very little of it will make sense. That she hurts you, that she is outrageously unpredictable...you are right. You are her mother. Once we have the rottenness of a diagnosis and once we finally accept it and once we know how that looks in real life, then we can figure out the best way to be their moms. My daughter wants from me a place of sane response. She wants me to understand she loves me, even when it looks like she hates me and even when she believes she hates me, herself. That means I have to trust myself, very much. I have to be certain I am coming from a centered place myself, and I have to be as sure as I can know to be that the words I say to her are good words, and strengthening words and concepts. I have to watch out that I don't get into a "better than you" place. Mostly, what my daughter needs from me is a sane place from which to view her own parenting. Those are the kinds of things I mean, when I post that if you could learn where your child is likely to take her relationship to you ~ and why ~ you will feel better prepared for what happens. One of our moms here on P.E. has struggled with her own issues, and she taught us that an illness is not an excuse. It is just what it is. So, we are right to hold our children accountable for their words and actions. It is a hard thing to learn to parent a child battling something we don't understand. But once we decide that is what we are going to do, there is all kinds of information. On the internet. On Crisis Support lines. Through Social Services. There is N.A.M.I. (National Association of Mental Illness). They are a group of parents and family familiar with what is happening in our families, and can be a source of strength and referral for us. I think your answer to your child was perfect. I am so glad you responded. I think it was right to wait until you felt you were making the correct response. That was a huge step forward for me ~ when I realized I have time. I don't have to know "right now". It is better, always, to take time, to be sure. We can give ourselves that small grace. This stuff is so hard. I would be afraid, too. I would be so afraid, too. I know that because I am afraid, alot. I don't know what to do, either. So, I do my best. I do love her. I say so. I do feel badly this is happening to her. I say that, too. We are only their moms. We cannot change what is happening to them and most times, we can't change anything, at all. We still have to figure out how to do this. Mostly, we are responsible for loving them, and for helping them to be strong enough and brave enough to face what is happening to them. It is easier to not be afraid when I know what it is I most hope to do for my child. Mostly, that is only to love her. Part of loving her well was learning to love myself. Part of teaching her how to make her way in the world is refusing to allow her to treat me badly [I]or to treat myself badly[/I]. We teach them more by who we are than in any other way. So, it makes sense that part of our learning will be making ourselves as healthy as we know to be. And as kind. So, probably what I am trying to say is that, since we already know we love them, we are half-way there. All we need to know now is how to help them be brave enough to live their lives well in spite of their illnesses. That is the goal, here. There are so many new developments in the field of mental health. Maybe, we are close to a cure; maybe, this could happen in their lifetimes ~ or in ours. So, for me, that is pretty much my question: How to be brave enough to face what has happened to my child so I can not be offended, so I don't go down the tubes myself, so I can help her in whatever small ways I can? This helps me, sometimes. It is from the Kennedy boy who chairs The Special Olympics. [I]Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave.[/I] Sometimes, that doesn't help me.[I] But that's okay.[/I] Nothing about any of this is easy and most of the time, it isn't very sweet, either. Your child is frightened, too. She does not know how to do this, either. So, because you are the mom, you will have to be the one who sets the tone. (Does that suck or what?!? Like we ever once thought we needed to know how to do what we are suddenly required to know how to do. For heaven's sake!) She will breeze in and out of your life, blaming you for everything and hating you for it because she cannot hate herself for what she does. If she did, she would not survive. That is what I mean about understanding why they do what they do. They love us almost desperately. Sometimes, I think there is no difference between them and ourselves in their minds. Sometimes, I think they hate themselves because they know they are different and would give anything if that were not so. Sometimes, they hate us because that's the flavor of the day. Huh. The hardest part is when I don't understand. And that happens so much. So, I have to forgive myself about that. But we can learn Tess, and things will be a little better, because we will not be so scared. Cedar What do you think your daughter wants? [/QUOTE]
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