David Update On Dr. & Awesome Letter from Justin

[DavidWH]

Hello all my new friends.. been a crazy week, this new job has got me going and going not had a day off since Christmas day and not sure when I will be off for a day in the near future!! uggg But better than sitting at home doing nothing....

Have not seen Justin Since Christmas day, finally got a call from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he is doing very well, he went up for the next mini-level with in his new level, was turned down for it becuase of the issues of his recent conversations with me.

Here is the first letter (I am reading between the lines.. I think I see a bit of very respectful manipulation.. but just not sure.. this is my hard part ... it is so hard to tell)

Dear Daddy
How is everythign going at home?
So nothing much has changed here just the same old stuff everyday as it was exactly seven days ago for everyday if that makes any sense

(no clue what he is talking about!! haha)

Well today I almost refused taking my medications. because the past couple of days I have not been expressing about the anxiety I have been having for my family session and just how I have been thinking about how I am going to live my life when I get out of here.
I made a mistake and I hope you will forgive me for the little bit of disrespect I have threw off at staff by not answering them. It was because of build up stress and not expressing it.

(personal stuff...)



Then the next letter....


Dear Daddy,
I have accepted what has happened (me staying here) and I am doing very well.

(Lots of personal stuff.... )

Well I am going to stay consistant and not give up.
I love you....



So... shoot I do not know... what a great kid... I am praying each night this stuff is real... I have family session on the 9th and I know it is not going to be an easy one, I think I am going to have to be firm on his stay and maybe even make him mad that he is not coming home as soon as he thinks he is just becuase he is doing good now.. So it will be a good test on how he handles the disapointment...


Anyway.. I WENT TO THE DR. (wow how humiliating that was!)

But he said he is VERY Glad I came in and said I should have long ago..

Anyway.. I am not sure as I have not had time to look up these medications.. or if they are normal doeses or light ones.. but he put me on...

Busprione 15MG Tabs 1 tab two times a day

Zoloft 50MG Tab 1/2tab for 7 days then 1 tab a day after first 7 days

Ambien 10MG Tab - Told me to use that for sleep


Well day three I am going to do what he says.. I got to this time!!

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

David,

I'm very happy that you are finally taking care of yourself!!! For what its worth, JMHO, I think it is good that you are not taking Justin out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) early. I know that both of my difficult children are very manipulative. The last time we had to get the police involved concerning difficult child 1, difficult child 1 knew exactly what not to say and exactly what to say in order not to land in a psychiatric hospital again. I know this situation is different, but, in my limited experience, difficult children can be really good at saying what they need to say in order to further their own interests.

Not only have you just recently started a new job, but also, you need time to take care of your own health. You'll need lots of strength when Justin comes home.

I hope the new year brings many good things for you and your son. I think you've taken the first step towards making it happen...WFEN

 

[meowbunny]

Yeah, I'd take those letters as being slightly manipulative. My daughter used to send the same kind -- I'll accept I have to be here and can't leave yet and, at the same time, be doing stuff that was not quite acceptable by her Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s rules. He's going through the appropriate steps.

Way To Go on seeing the doctor! Not sure why you felt it was humiliating. David, if you had the beginning stages of diabetes, would you hesitate in seeing a doctor? Depression is a true chemical imbalance. There are things you can do like have a good diet, exercise, get sleep, but sometimes it takes more. The medications will help you get back in balance. They aren't permanent. You should also consider seeing a therapist. Talk therapy can really help you discover things about yourself. You might be surprised how good you can feel when seeing a good therapist. Do give it a try -- it will help with the depression, the turmoil and confusion of dealing with your son and family situation.

You also need to find a life for you. Not just Justin and work, but social interactions, even -- dare I say it -- dating! If not for you, for Justin. He needs to see what healthy relationships are. How people should interact with friends, how to draw limits and be able to say no and accept no, how to treat members of the opposite sex, what it means to care for someone outside of the family.

I'm glad things are improving for you. You're doing a great job of being a great father. More men could take lessons from you. Keep it up.

Best wishes for 2008 -- may Justin grow and learn in a positive manner, may you be happy and healthy. May you both be blessed with many good times to come.

 

[Shari]

Hi, David.

This sounds like a lot of positive stuff. Yeah!

FWIW, the letters sound a bit manipulative to me, too. They sound a little too "this is what they want to hear-ish".

But, keep up the good work! On all fronts!

 

[Star*]

WELL - I am glad to see that you got yourself some help =

THAT is the VERY FIRST step to helping our children. It's not selfish, it shouldn't be embarrassing, it's a right - YOU have a right to be mentally well, and physically well. If you aren't either you have to ask yourself HOW can I be the best parent for my child.

Okay on to the letters - You read between the lines and I have saved every letter my son ever wrote me. I read between the lines between the lines now. They are small steps in the right direction towards getting well, but he's manipulating you.

He's describing his problems as little and small amounts of disrespect. Disrespect is disrespect. You can placate it - it is what it is.

And he says right off - I'm thinking about when I get out of here. Well a goal to be sure, but that would say to me - I'm not thinking about tomorrow or today - I'm thinking about getting out of here.

And unless you are used to being called Daddy - then that too can be manipulating - If you are then I understand because I'm Mom or Momma until I'm Mommy and when I'm Mommy - I'm on the defensive. lol

Overall the fact that he wrote you a letter period - is good. Get yourself a folder and keep all of his letters in chronological order. They will help serve as a reminder of his progress, backsliding, and can be a great tool for YOUR psychologist to figure out what the relationship is between you and your son long distance.

You really sound a lot less confounded since you've been coming here - that is a really good thing. Give yourself a pat on the back from me -

Star

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

A pat on the back from me too.

Going to the doctor had to be difficult for you. I applaud you for it. I think you will find that you feel a lot better once you begin taking care of yourself.

That will begin an upward spiral for you. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you will be, the more secure you will feel in your decisions about your son, you find you won't be floundering as much. Nothing but good can come of this.

Sounds like you are both on your way. Here's to a successful 2008.

 

[DavidWH]

Thanks.... guys.. (gals)..

but with all the good comes the bad... my own fault... as I just can not take being yelled at at the top of a voice and cussed at like a 10 year old... and mainly for something that is way beyond my control that I had nothing to do with...

I just walked out and am home lost my job.. as I just am not able to handle that treatment... is real stupid of me.. but I just can not take it.. I try so stinking hard... first job I have just up and quit since I was a young guy... ugggg

oh well s--- happens I will come back on top

 

[Martie]

David,

I am sorry about your job....I hope you find another that is less stressful and where you are treated as an adult.

It is good that you are taking care of yourself. in my opinion the medications you are on are "lite" and that is a good way to start because it reduces the chances of unpleasant side effects. Also, what you are taking is nothing "fancy" and has help a lot of people. I hope they help you,too.

Did you take anything for sleep before starting medications? If not, then the Ambien PRN is probably to offset the busprione which causes some people to have difficulty falling asleep. However, at the dosage level of busprione you are on, any side effects would be unusual, but everyone is different.

Please remember that few people get medications that work exactly right the first time around. Keep at it because taking care of you will greatly increase your effectiveness with Justin.

P.S.

The letters are manipulative, for sure...just my .02

Best to you,

Martie

 

[DDD]

That is life, David, ups & downs. You've made many good choices
lately but as one of the family said earlier, your son will learn
(and already has learned) from your example. With the job loss
you may find yourself tempted to take a short cut to feeling
better. I am not familiar with the various medications but I
think that Ambien is "the" drug that absolutely can't be used by
someone who uses alcohol a there are major repercussions.

It takes a long time to change paths but you have many months
ahead where you can focus on you and your new life. I'm rootin'
for you. DDD

 

[ck1]

David: I'm so sorry to hear about your job loss...that's awful, but I'm sure you'll get through it, as you have so far. Happy to hear your son is doing ok. About his letters, if you think, even a little, that he may be manipulating, he probably is. The key is that you don't allow it or fall for it. Teens will always try, it's our job as parents not to fall for it.

Also, good for you for getting help for yourself! I agree with everyone else. You must take this time that your son is away to take care of yourself and get very healthy and strong. My son came home a few weeks ago from his first (and hopefully only) placement. Believe me, I have to be on guard at all times, watching for the slightest bit of manipulation or minimization. I've been very strict to show him that I mean what I say! I think he's starting to get it, time will tell.

Regarding your new medications, I don't know about the first one. Zoloft, both my husband and son are taking it and it's done wonders for husband. My doctor prescribed ambien for me. I think it did help me sleep, but after about three weeks on it, I noticed I was becoming a crazy person (at least I felt like one). I was moody and would start crying completely out of the blue for no reason at all, I was all over the place. Anyway, I stopped taking it and within a few days I was back to my normal, even-keeled self. I know lots of people take this with no problems, I just happened to tune into Howard Stern one day for just a few minutes and heard them talking about ambien and how it effects people differently. That's why I thought maybe it's what was making me so different, turns out I was right.

Even with your very recent turn of events I hope that you're feeling better and stronger in this new year!!

 

[Star*]

In my life - I have worked for some REAL dysfunctional SOB's. One drank and cheated on his wife, and flirted openly.

Another was educated and high functioning alcoholic, but so pedantic it was pathetic. OMG!!! I told this man I had to take a day off (my first in 7 years of timely service) for an MRI because the doctor thought I had a brain tumor. This man stomped his foot, twisted it in a half circle, made a face and said "Will you be back the same day? You can schedule your appointments early around 5:00 AM." (I thought he was inhuman after that) and when I heard the F word it wasn't like I had virginal ears - It's just it was delivered and directed TO ME, through gritted teeth. I left, and apparently don't remember but slammed the door so hard people 4 offices away felt it. WHAT A JERK. I didn't quit - but I made it clear THAT DAY how I would and would NOT be treated.

I worked in construction with 22 men for 2 years doing infrastructure and running heavy equipment and was treated just fine.

Now I work for a man after 29 years of working for people - and therapy - and I KNOW what I am worth, I KNOW what I will tolerate, I KNOW HOW a boss can and should be and I know that if I am treated ANY LESS ? I can pack up my toys and go home. And ...I will.

You will make it David - And when you find that better job - you'll be glad you left.

Yeah - being cursed and sworn at would last about [] long with me too. Good on ya man! Gosh what a person to be pitied that thinks that is a way to behave in a work place.

Star

 

[klmno]

Hey, David! Sorry to hear about what happened but it sounds like this job wasn't helping your stress level any. I hope you find something much better and never look back!

 

[Marguerite]

Sorry to hear about the job loss, David. Maybe put in writing (calmly) why you felt you were treated unreasonably? And also include what you said here, that you also feel walking out was perhaps not the best way to resolve the problem... it mightn't get your job back (and you probably shouldn't be in that environment anyway, for your sake) but it might help you move on to your next job more effectively and positively.

How many others have left that place recently? And where did THEY go? easy child 2/difficult child 2 was in a similar situation, got 'fired' for daring to be unhappy, then hastily re-hired when the boss realised he'd broken the law, then had conditions set on her that were unreasonable (so she left voluntarily - putting the boss in the clear) and immediately was snapped up by the company where all previous disgruntled employees had gone. At half as much again in pay, too.

She still sees her former boss - smile happily and waves to him, because he didn't know it, but he did her a favour.


And about you (David) being embarrassed at the doctor - meowbunny, you said, "Way To Go on seeing the doctor! Not sure why you felt it was humiliating."

Meowbunny, David's a bloke. And sorry to say, there are a lot of different (and often humiliating, for a bloke) things that happen during a general physical checkup. We women grumble about the stirrups and Pap smears, but we do it. It's a much bigger emotional obstacle for men.
Add in the male fear of seeming less than invincible, AND having to admit it to another person (the doctor) and you can see why it can be so difficult to get a bloke to REALLY open up to a doctor and talk about their health concerns.
So knowing that, David, extra kudos to you for actually going through with it.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

David,

I am SO glad you are leaving your difficult child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It is very hard to get a child into one, very few are put into Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s with-o a real need. He NEEDS this. And, as he is sending letters trying to make disrespect seems like a small thing, he isn't ready to come home. It is really hard to make them stay. Even when you KNOW they need it.

As for the doctor, I am sorry it was humiliating. From talking with my husband, I realize that it is. Even a visit where a full exam is not done is humiliating, in my husband's mind. And in many men's minds I think.

You did a GOOD JOB going to the doctor and asking for help.

Buspar helps with anxiety. My daughter took it for aobut 10 months as we dealth with her brother's abuse of her. Not sure what her dose was, but it is a very safe medication. It is not a benzodiazepin, like valium or xanax, so the addiction risk is not something anyone ever discussed with us.

Zoloft is for the depression. It can be very very effective. For a small number of males it can have aggression as a side effect. For my son and brother this happened between the 4 and 6 month point. So it was NOT right away, and neither of them have had this from other medications in it's class. husband had none of this either, and he took it for several years.

Ambien is for sleep. ONLY take it at night, when you can get 6-8 hours of sleep. Take it just before you turn off the lights. If you find yourself waking up after about 4 hours, then talk to your doctor about ambien cr. It is time release, and keeps you asleep, but you wake up refreshed. My dad has taken Ambien, or Ambien CR for several years, with no ill effects.

Proud of you for going to the doctor and talking about the problems. It is hard to do.

I am sorry your boss was such a jerk. I would have left also. The letter Marg suggests is a good idea. If this is a large company, a copy sent to the boss's boss, and/or the CEO/President/Owner is also a good idea. You may have options due to the behavior of your superior.

If you don't? you will find another job. You were looking for a job when you found that one (old saying my aunt used).

Hugs,

Susie