Decision About Missing Homework

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Feb 3, 2009.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Good morning!

    So after my meeting with the Vice Principal at my son's school--and hearing her advice about giving myself permission to detach--here is what I can admit today.

    difficult child is not doing her homework....nor is she completing all if her in-class assignments...AND she is lying about it.

    If I would like her to get good grades--I know that can go to the school, have a meeting with each one of her teachers, arrange to have copies of all homework assignments emailed to me, arrange to pick up incomplete classwork/homework and stand over difficult child while she completes all of her work. This whole thing will, of course, take up a lot of time and effort on my part.

    difficult child will be angry at me for taking charge...she will call me all sorts of nasty names...she will not appreciate my efforts, nor will she show me any respect during this process...and I will be treated as though I am the meanest Mom on the planet.

    Meanwhile, difficult child will earn good grades and appear to be a wonderful, responsible student and the teachers will wonder why I am making such a big deal out of always checking up on her work.

    And I will feel resentful and unappreciated....

    Therefore--I am going to detach....and I am going to let difficult child suffer the consequences of her own actions....I will let her fail English (if it comes to that).

    And then, she can only be mad at herself....

  2. robinm1922

    robinm1922 One day at a time


    I am where you are going! My difficult child is in 10th grade and I have decided to let her live her consequences, she failed English the first quarter and just squeaked out a D the second. If she is not able to motivate herself to do really well the second half there is a good chance she is going to fail the year.
    If she passes all but one quarter then she will be able to do a 3 week summer school session if she fails more than that then she will be repeating the 10th grade.

    I made myself sick worrying over her grades, then I realized her illness was more of a concern. I know my difficult child will do better when she is better so I am working on that before the rest. The bad habits she develops on the way to healthy is something she will need to break.
    I can't fix that!
    I feel much better taking that approach, the hardest thing to do is to watch your child fail. I have seen for mine it is the only way she is going to worry about getting better, when she sees I can't fix this she will be on her own.
    I never looked at it as detaching but I like that term and that is how I will look at it.
    Now if I could get husband to detach that would be awesome!

    Daisy if that is the worse thing that happens to our difficult child's then we can count ourselves as lucky. I probably have the wrong attitude but my difficult child is still so new into her diagnosis that we are still trying to figure out what all the problems are.
    I can only take it one thing at a time and one day at a time!
    Best of luck,
  3. sweetjj

    sweetjj New Member

    Wow, I am with you on this one. My difficult child could really care less if he flunks anything..yet sometimes when its in his face & it comes down to it..he will realize & do just enough. Meanwhile..My easy child is a straight A honor student who is well behaved, involved in church, honost and sweet kid. I often find myself not apprciating that as much cuz its so easy to deal with her..and instead find ways to keep the peace at our house by picking the battles with difficult child..

    How does one deal with other kids who maybe feeling irritated having to accomodate & deal with difficult child...
  4. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Daisy and Robin,
    you guys are on the right track and I know how hard it is. I had to step back from my difficult child 2/easy child's school stuff when she was 15--should have done so sooner. And, she has had failures and one summer she had to work with a tutor and take exams and basically had a stressful, hard summer but it was what she had to do to go on to 11th grade. I had to bite my tongue so many times and I slipped up a lot too because I was worried she wouldn't get to 11th grade. But she had to take ownership of her schooling and decide whether it was worth it to pass.

    Also, she had many anxiety issues related to school and some of the time she was on homebound instruction because she just couldn't do school. Sometimes she went half a day and was tutored for the remaining classes.

    Another issue was that she has a great fear of being judged by people--so being evaluated (like with report cards and tests) is a big deal to her. She is doing better. I do not judge her at all--I learned I can't even compliment her on a good grade or she might become very angry and upset. So, I have to stay almost completely out of the school issues.

    She is now a second semester senior and I am on pins and needles--she should pass, she has been doing better this year but it could fall apart. She is having a hard time emotionally right now, in fact she missed school today and a day last week too. I know how much she wants to graduate and am hoping that will be enough to get her through. It is very hard to sit by and not nag or preach or warn what will happen, etc. She knows what she has to do and it only makes her more nervous if I try to "help."

    Anyway, I kind of got off track but I want you to know you have my support and I wish you both the best!

  5. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    DAiseyface: It is difficult to decide when we do not have all the info. And teens are going through so much anyway. It is amazing to me that all these things are on their sholders all at once. I think that teens especially do "just give up"...once they get behind the curve and they are not getting "it".

    Maybe tutorials are another avenue for her to work on whatever it is that is so difficult for her to learn. Online.
    Also the evaluation tests do give very clear insight as to how she is learning. When any learner has an area that is not one as adept as others it will make learning frustrating for a person.
    The fact that she is having problems whatever the origin it is also true that she is learning anyway. This is the reason that I find the gloss over that has been the status quo for learning institutions and also the branches of study that the professionals who are not jumping in and making access for children, even in the public schools where these services are now lawful requists. Without the sincere interest in each student who does show "a problem" wither behavioral or purely within their own processing of inforamtion in an out when we are not vigilant in discovering what "it" is and as much of what iit is as can be learned by adults looking then we are letting the child live and learn.
    What I find challenging is extracting the glimses as to what my son is thinking. It can be so much a surprise what is really behind the child we have known all their lives in their own assessment of what is so. We all learn from a combination of general instructions and then gain the concepts from our own trial and error. With all of us if we have any misinterpertation of the instructions and have devised our own fill in the bland answer and we then wobble on like rosan rosanna danna.
    In todays world we spend far less time talking together and interacting in our socializing roles as parents due to all the interesting diversions.
    When my son was grounded over the winter break with the internet and tv disconnected one of the first things we did was out together a puzzle. Over the three days that first activity we did together we were already communicating with much more meaning and having a good time together. One of the first comments my son offered was that "we should do stuff like this alot more often"
    WE need to spend time when everyone is in nuetral. No pressure dialogues where we are engaged so that the deeper conversations can be met on the inner inner things our children need to feel connected with us and safe to reveal. It is so hard for them they are insecure and the one thing that they do not want to loose that is being pulled and unraveled like a sweater is our embracong approval.
    They need to know that that is their now and that we are not going to unlove them when they are sexual mature adults too. Because you bet that it is the uncertainty of their unfamiliar new budding maturing that is the most worrisome and unfamiliar for them. Will they be enough? We are there to show that yes they are as is and that the way to build life forward is one funny looking odd piece at a time. And with patience and with lots of boring time to spare.