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Depressed at Thought of Stepdaughter Living Here After Jail
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622977" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Concerned, I am sorry you are here but I am glad you found this site as I know a lot of people will be writing soon with some words of support and ideas for you. </p><p></p><p>A few things that occurred to me as I was reading your post:</p><p></p><p>1. You can only decide what you will do and not do, and what you will and will not tolerate and what concessions you are willing to make. You are in a more difficult position as the stepmother, I see that. It sounds like your husband has guilt or something else motivating him to continue to accept this unacceptable behavior. Until you get on the same page, I would imagine this will drive a wedge between the two of you and affect your relationship. Not to mention your son and how he deals with it all. </p><p>2. She is an adult. It is up to her to figure out where she will live after jail, not you or him. I know many people take in their adult children after they are released from jail. I stopped that a long time ago. My son now has been homeless (for the fourth time, he is 24.5) and this time since Feb. 14. He is surviving and figuring it out as he goes. Most towns and cities have services for homeless people. We live in a smaller size city in the South but we have services here as well. Urban areas usually have much more. </p><p>3. Have you thought about going to therapy with an addiction specialist (therapist) with your husband? That third-party mediator could help you two communicate more constructively and devise a plan together for how you will deal with this? This could be a pathway to better communication between the two of you.</p><p>4. Start working on yourself. There are many books to read that will give you support. Addiction is a family disease. It affects everyone that has to deal with it like you have. You need help yourself.</p><p>5. See if your husband will also read about addiction and recovery---for himself as well. I am sure he is also very affected by all of this and most likely in ways he does not even recognize.</p><p></p><p>I know it is very hard to set boundaries with people. One of the first books I ever read was Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I recommend it.</p><p></p><p>We teach people how to treat us. Once we start to set boundaries (as kindly as possible), people with no boundaries or poor boundaries will not like it at all. They will push back hard and get louder and louder and more and more dramatic. That is when we have to stay the course. That is very hard to do, and you and your husband, if you decide to do that, will need a lot of help, training and support.</p><p></p><p>I am praying for you all right now. Keep coming back here. We will support you and listen to you, no matter what you decide to do. This is hard hard stuff----let there be no doubt about that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622977, member: 17542"] Hi Concerned, I am sorry you are here but I am glad you found this site as I know a lot of people will be writing soon with some words of support and ideas for you. A few things that occurred to me as I was reading your post: 1. You can only decide what you will do and not do, and what you will and will not tolerate and what concessions you are willing to make. You are in a more difficult position as the stepmother, I see that. It sounds like your husband has guilt or something else motivating him to continue to accept this unacceptable behavior. Until you get on the same page, I would imagine this will drive a wedge between the two of you and affect your relationship. Not to mention your son and how he deals with it all. 2. She is an adult. It is up to her to figure out where she will live after jail, not you or him. I know many people take in their adult children after they are released from jail. I stopped that a long time ago. My son now has been homeless (for the fourth time, he is 24.5) and this time since Feb. 14. He is surviving and figuring it out as he goes. Most towns and cities have services for homeless people. We live in a smaller size city in the South but we have services here as well. Urban areas usually have much more. 3. Have you thought about going to therapy with an addiction specialist (therapist) with your husband? That third-party mediator could help you two communicate more constructively and devise a plan together for how you will deal with this? This could be a pathway to better communication between the two of you. 4. Start working on yourself. There are many books to read that will give you support. Addiction is a family disease. It affects everyone that has to deal with it like you have. You need help yourself. 5. See if your husband will also read about addiction and recovery---for himself as well. I am sure he is also very affected by all of this and most likely in ways he does not even recognize. I know it is very hard to set boundaries with people. One of the first books I ever read was Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I recommend it. We teach people how to treat us. Once we start to set boundaries (as kindly as possible), people with no boundaries or poor boundaries will not like it at all. They will push back hard and get louder and louder and more and more dramatic. That is when we have to stay the course. That is very hard to do, and you and your husband, if you decide to do that, will need a lot of help, training and support. I am praying for you all right now. Keep coming back here. We will support you and listen to you, no matter what you decide to do. This is hard hard stuff----let there be no doubt about that. [/QUOTE]
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