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Derailing dysfunctional patterns
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 330198" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I spent most of my life in the same boat you find yourself in Steely. I don't know what changes our stinkin' thinkin' and starts us on the path to loving ourselves enough to not put up with anything less than being wanted and loved for the right reasons. </p><p></p><p>I honestly don't know what clicked in me (what a shame, "I" could write a book if I only knew) but I know whatever changed, it led to major changes in me. It took a few years. I took better care of myself. I found more interests that didn't rely on others. I had gastric bypass, lots boat loads of weight. Got a hairstyle that made me feel sexy. Found a clothing style that fit my personality and looked good (I was a fashion no-no, trust me!). I started saying no to things that weren't okay. I started standing my ground with abusive people (my ex, my mother, my brother, even my difficult child) and started through that to want more in my life.</p><p></p><p>It's an old saying that you attract what you exude (it is more elequently said by many people, can't remember what the actual saying is). I've found it to be true. When I was willing to accept less than I deserved, I tended to find people more than willing to use me for less than I deserved. When things changed IN me, I knew I deserved XYZ. And when I wasn't expecting it, I found XYZ. In many areas, not just my relationship I am in now. </p><p></p><p>I too well know that feeling of playing the game, the sad thing is, it is a game. Not real life. He may well be the nicest friend, but would you truly even WANT a long term thing with someone who can be so wishy washy and know that they affect you that way, yet continue to do it? Sounds like someone that might indeed be a good friend if kept at a friend level. But to me? Sounds like a bit of a cat who got the canary thing going on with your neighbor guy. He gets to talk to his best friend/neighbor about what he WANTS in a woman. Then he gets to say that he doesn't have chemistry with said neighbor. Then he gets to fiddle about with the neighbor. Then he gets to distance himself from the neighbor. Then he gets ... and on and on. Not saying hes a jerk. I dont' know the guy. He might not even know the effect that type of thing has on a woman. But you do know. And doesnt' it hoover???</p><p></p><p>I'd much rather work on myself, accept dates if asked, go on hook ups or blind dates, just have some fun. Learn that even if its only a few dates, you are desirable and intriguing to others. Then you can focus on exuding a vibe of "I deserve the best, what makes you worth my time? If you are, I'm worth it!".</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS))) All the best in 2010 for you Steely! You've had such a rough time, I don't think it is unusual to be accepting less than you deserve. Loneliness is a awful feeling, so is loss. You've had reason to feel both in abundance. I hope that the new year brings even further healing and a settling in your life. Be open to goodness and closed to more baggage. You're a strong woman. You truly DO deserve the best. You're a special lady. Remind yourself of that!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 330198, member: 4264"] I spent most of my life in the same boat you find yourself in Steely. I don't know what changes our stinkin' thinkin' and starts us on the path to loving ourselves enough to not put up with anything less than being wanted and loved for the right reasons. I honestly don't know what clicked in me (what a shame, "I" could write a book if I only knew) but I know whatever changed, it led to major changes in me. It took a few years. I took better care of myself. I found more interests that didn't rely on others. I had gastric bypass, lots boat loads of weight. Got a hairstyle that made me feel sexy. Found a clothing style that fit my personality and looked good (I was a fashion no-no, trust me!). I started saying no to things that weren't okay. I started standing my ground with abusive people (my ex, my mother, my brother, even my difficult child) and started through that to want more in my life. It's an old saying that you attract what you exude (it is more elequently said by many people, can't remember what the actual saying is). I've found it to be true. When I was willing to accept less than I deserved, I tended to find people more than willing to use me for less than I deserved. When things changed IN me, I knew I deserved XYZ. And when I wasn't expecting it, I found XYZ. In many areas, not just my relationship I am in now. I too well know that feeling of playing the game, the sad thing is, it is a game. Not real life. He may well be the nicest friend, but would you truly even WANT a long term thing with someone who can be so wishy washy and know that they affect you that way, yet continue to do it? Sounds like someone that might indeed be a good friend if kept at a friend level. But to me? Sounds like a bit of a cat who got the canary thing going on with your neighbor guy. He gets to talk to his best friend/neighbor about what he WANTS in a woman. Then he gets to say that he doesn't have chemistry with said neighbor. Then he gets to fiddle about with the neighbor. Then he gets to distance himself from the neighbor. Then he gets ... and on and on. Not saying hes a jerk. I dont' know the guy. He might not even know the effect that type of thing has on a woman. But you do know. And doesnt' it hoover??? I'd much rather work on myself, accept dates if asked, go on hook ups or blind dates, just have some fun. Learn that even if its only a few dates, you are desirable and intriguing to others. Then you can focus on exuding a vibe of "I deserve the best, what makes you worth my time? If you are, I'm worth it!". (((HUGS))) All the best in 2010 for you Steely! You've had such a rough time, I don't think it is unusual to be accepting less than you deserve. Loneliness is a awful feeling, so is loss. You've had reason to feel both in abundance. I hope that the new year brings even further healing and a settling in your life. Be open to goodness and closed to more baggage. You're a strong woman. You truly DO deserve the best. You're a special lady. Remind yourself of that! [/QUOTE]
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