Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Derailing dysfunctional patterns
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 330536" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I don't know the guy either, but I AM saying, "He's a jerk".</p><p></p><p>Steely, you should have known what we would all say. Witz said it most concisely. I heartily endorse what she said.</p><p></p><p>You said you think you want this guy to heal you, if he can only see you as beautiful after all, then you will feel beautiful at last.</p><p></p><p>But can't you see? You have deliberately chosen to seek this sort of help from someone who simply can't give it? He has been honest with you in this, although he is sending mixed messages constantly.</p><p></p><p>So you are setting yourself up for failure, then getting upset when it fails. Also, you say you want to be healed, but he isn't a doctor. If you said that to him (and he is a friend, isn't he? You said he was) then how do you think he would react? I'm betting he would say ti you, "I'm not a doctor," or he might even get angry with you at what you're trying to impose on him. It's a lot of responsibility to put onto someone else.</p><p></p><p>Steely, YOU need to be your own doctor. You can do this. You say you're lonely (I don't doubt it) but you still choose to increase your own loneliness by giving yourself false and hurtful hope.</p><p></p><p>Thank goodness this guy is not for you. Move on. If you need to give yourself some distance from him even as a friend in order to move on, then do so.</p><p></p><p>Blokes like this can seem to be good buddies, but they are emotional parasites, draining dry your life force and self-esteem in order for them to be able to keep you where they want you to be.</p><p></p><p>Hypothetical scenario - Steely and neighbour man go out for a drink on a friendship basis. In the bar, Steely is seen by handsome, dark and gorgeous stranger who would like to know her better; but she is with another man who shows all the signs of ownership, so the good-looking guy stays away. Meanwhile NM (neighbour man) has his eyes roaming the bar, albeit cynically. He's partly looking for rivals (he doesn't want to lose control over you, even though he's told you he doesn't want you, he DOES want "friends with benefits" when it suits him). NM may see possible female prospect sitting at the bar. He may consider ditching you to pick her up. He may tell you, "I'm going to buy this next round," and while he's at the bar, gets the other girls' number. Or he may suggest an early night, take you home and then slip back to the bar.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying I think NM is really like that, but he is male, he is breathing, he is a ratbag, so it's likely.</p><p></p><p>My first fiance was like this. He played this game with me, too. When he finally 'gave in' and accepted that we were in love (or so I thought) I was over the moon. My wildest dreams had come true. I never thought it possible that HE could love ME - insignificant, ugly little me. Why did I think I was insignificant and ugly? Well, he told me so, I loved him so of course I believed him! The more I spent time with him, the more he drained me dry of any positive emotion, any threatening self-esteem. He also began to slowly cut me off from any person or event that would make me feel good about myself, as well as anything that would make me see the truth about him. One example - I had a singing engagement at a very important venue in Sydney. I really wanted him there to hear me. He was there - but he was asleep in his car. He had meant to come in, he said, but he had fallen asleep in the car. Now, it MAY have been unintended, but it still speaks volumes to me ow, with my 35 years of hindsight. I was doing something that HE anted to be doing instead but as a dreamer, would never achieve. Therefore my accomplishment had to be downgraded plus my ego had to be brought into check.</p><p></p><p>Steely, I want you to look up two disorders for me. Look up "narcissitic personality disorder" and also look up "sociopathy".</p><p></p><p>it is possible to be friends with people like either of these - I have people in my circle of friends who I'm sure meet these criteria, although you could never get them diagnosed - but they need to be in the outer circle of friends, especially for someone as vulnerable as you are right now. You are fresh meat to people like this, they will seek you out, like sharks than can smell blood in the water.</p><p></p><p>There are good people out there, but you need to learn to love yourself first, so others can also see that you are loveable. The good people won't come near while you allow the sharks to circle.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 330536, member: 1991"] I don't know the guy either, but I AM saying, "He's a jerk". Steely, you should have known what we would all say. Witz said it most concisely. I heartily endorse what she said. You said you think you want this guy to heal you, if he can only see you as beautiful after all, then you will feel beautiful at last. But can't you see? You have deliberately chosen to seek this sort of help from someone who simply can't give it? He has been honest with you in this, although he is sending mixed messages constantly. So you are setting yourself up for failure, then getting upset when it fails. Also, you say you want to be healed, but he isn't a doctor. If you said that to him (and he is a friend, isn't he? You said he was) then how do you think he would react? I'm betting he would say ti you, "I'm not a doctor," or he might even get angry with you at what you're trying to impose on him. It's a lot of responsibility to put onto someone else. Steely, YOU need to be your own doctor. You can do this. You say you're lonely (I don't doubt it) but you still choose to increase your own loneliness by giving yourself false and hurtful hope. Thank goodness this guy is not for you. Move on. If you need to give yourself some distance from him even as a friend in order to move on, then do so. Blokes like this can seem to be good buddies, but they are emotional parasites, draining dry your life force and self-esteem in order for them to be able to keep you where they want you to be. Hypothetical scenario - Steely and neighbour man go out for a drink on a friendship basis. In the bar, Steely is seen by handsome, dark and gorgeous stranger who would like to know her better; but she is with another man who shows all the signs of ownership, so the good-looking guy stays away. Meanwhile NM (neighbour man) has his eyes roaming the bar, albeit cynically. He's partly looking for rivals (he doesn't want to lose control over you, even though he's told you he doesn't want you, he DOES want "friends with benefits" when it suits him). NM may see possible female prospect sitting at the bar. He may consider ditching you to pick her up. He may tell you, "I'm going to buy this next round," and while he's at the bar, gets the other girls' number. Or he may suggest an early night, take you home and then slip back to the bar. I'm not saying I think NM is really like that, but he is male, he is breathing, he is a ratbag, so it's likely. My first fiance was like this. He played this game with me, too. When he finally 'gave in' and accepted that we were in love (or so I thought) I was over the moon. My wildest dreams had come true. I never thought it possible that HE could love ME - insignificant, ugly little me. Why did I think I was insignificant and ugly? Well, he told me so, I loved him so of course I believed him! The more I spent time with him, the more he drained me dry of any positive emotion, any threatening self-esteem. He also began to slowly cut me off from any person or event that would make me feel good about myself, as well as anything that would make me see the truth about him. One example - I had a singing engagement at a very important venue in Sydney. I really wanted him there to hear me. He was there - but he was asleep in his car. He had meant to come in, he said, but he had fallen asleep in the car. Now, it MAY have been unintended, but it still speaks volumes to me ow, with my 35 years of hindsight. I was doing something that HE anted to be doing instead but as a dreamer, would never achieve. Therefore my accomplishment had to be downgraded plus my ego had to be brought into check. Steely, I want you to look up two disorders for me. Look up "narcissitic personality disorder" and also look up "sociopathy". it is possible to be friends with people like either of these - I have people in my circle of friends who I'm sure meet these criteria, although you could never get them diagnosed - but they need to be in the outer circle of friends, especially for someone as vulnerable as you are right now. You are fresh meat to people like this, they will seek you out, like sharks than can smell blood in the water. There are good people out there, but you need to learn to love yourself first, so others can also see that you are loveable. The good people won't come near while you allow the sharks to circle. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Derailing dysfunctional patterns
Top