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Didn't come home again, didn't call...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 220009" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Ropefree, you need to sit down and think (I suspect you're good at thinking) and assess - what hold do I have over my son? What does he still rely on me for? What will happen if I make what he wants from me, conditional?</p><p></p><p>So if he's staying out overnight without calling, then he doesn't seem to see a roof over his head given by you, as compulsory. Therefore meals come under the same heading - optional.</p><p>What about clothing? Money? How is he meeting these needs? What about recreation?</p><p></p><p>And what will happen if you tighten the leash? Will he just kick it all over and storm out? Or will it make him wake up and smell the coffee?</p><p></p><p>Maybe he just wants the freedom to come and go - but you can put the brakes on him here, too. Change the locks and don't give him a key. If he wants to come home, he has to arrive at a time when you are there to let him in; in other words, he enters the house by appointment with you. He will HAVE to talk to you. You are not denying him houseroom or sustenance, merely requiring respect and supervision while at home.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you decide on, you have to be consistent. You need to plan ahead and be prepared to follow through. For example, if you decide your strategy is to go over to this woman's house and pound on the door for your child to come out, and he doesn't come out - do you go home? Or do you camp outside the gate (so you're not trespassing) even if it means staying there all night? It would send a number of messages - one, you're crazy and people had better not mess with you, who knows WHAT you might do; two, you won't give up and he won't get any sleep inside that house, so the sooner he comes out the sooner they can ALL get some sleep (and if they're selfish, they will ask him to go home to make you go away); three, you love him a great deal to want to do this, which is more than the mother inside that house would ever do. It can be a very powerful message, not just to your son but to the unloved kids he's befriending.</p><p></p><p>The persistent Warrior Mum - I've done this act. You need your environmental protection (ie clothing warm enough to sleep on the street if necessary); a thermos of coffee or soup; maybe a small fire (if it's legal); knitting or a good book to read; something comfortable to sit on (a deckchair?). Make it look REAL, as if this is not an act but someone who really can do what she is threatening to do.</p><p></p><p>Then be prepared to really do it. </p><p></p><p>With anything you do with your son, you need tis level of determination. Never take on a battle you can't win. Never engage and then back off. Never lose face. Only engage in a battle you know you WILL win. Then win it.</p><p></p><p>And as for the cops - talk to them quietly ahead of time. Just how much CAN they do? Don't ask them to do anything that THEY can't follow through on.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. Your son sounds like he needs to be needed and is being guilted into this. If so, then somewhere in there he's a really decent (but confused) bloke.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 220009, member: 1991"] Ropefree, you need to sit down and think (I suspect you're good at thinking) and assess - what hold do I have over my son? What does he still rely on me for? What will happen if I make what he wants from me, conditional? So if he's staying out overnight without calling, then he doesn't seem to see a roof over his head given by you, as compulsory. Therefore meals come under the same heading - optional. What about clothing? Money? How is he meeting these needs? What about recreation? And what will happen if you tighten the leash? Will he just kick it all over and storm out? Or will it make him wake up and smell the coffee? Maybe he just wants the freedom to come and go - but you can put the brakes on him here, too. Change the locks and don't give him a key. If he wants to come home, he has to arrive at a time when you are there to let him in; in other words, he enters the house by appointment with you. He will HAVE to talk to you. You are not denying him houseroom or sustenance, merely requiring respect and supervision while at home. Whatever you decide on, you have to be consistent. You need to plan ahead and be prepared to follow through. For example, if you decide your strategy is to go over to this woman's house and pound on the door for your child to come out, and he doesn't come out - do you go home? Or do you camp outside the gate (so you're not trespassing) even if it means staying there all night? It would send a number of messages - one, you're crazy and people had better not mess with you, who knows WHAT you might do; two, you won't give up and he won't get any sleep inside that house, so the sooner he comes out the sooner they can ALL get some sleep (and if they're selfish, they will ask him to go home to make you go away); three, you love him a great deal to want to do this, which is more than the mother inside that house would ever do. It can be a very powerful message, not just to your son but to the unloved kids he's befriending. The persistent Warrior Mum - I've done this act. You need your environmental protection (ie clothing warm enough to sleep on the street if necessary); a thermos of coffee or soup; maybe a small fire (if it's legal); knitting or a good book to read; something comfortable to sit on (a deckchair?). Make it look REAL, as if this is not an act but someone who really can do what she is threatening to do. Then be prepared to really do it. With anything you do with your son, you need tis level of determination. Never take on a battle you can't win. Never engage and then back off. Never lose face. Only engage in a battle you know you WILL win. Then win it. And as for the cops - talk to them quietly ahead of time. Just how much CAN they do? Don't ask them to do anything that THEY can't follow through on. Good luck. Your son sounds like he needs to be needed and is being guilted into this. If so, then somewhere in there he's a really decent (but confused) bloke. Marg [/QUOTE]
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