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difficult child 3 trying to play one against the other
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 306113" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Triangulation really hoovers. It is also VERY dangerous. You and SO MUST be on the same page and continue to speak in private so that you are on the same page. It is easy for a child to put a true wedge between the two of you, easier than you would like to think. I have seen quite a few people in real life who divorced because a preteen or teen was triangulating and one parent believed the child instead of the spouse.</p><p></p><p>Talk to a therapist about this. If difficult child has a therapist then go and talk to her first. That way you can set rules about it that are reasonable. When we had a son in the psychiatric hospital for 4 months it was one of the things the therapist there worked on with us,</p><p></p><p>When our difficult child started triangulating, justifying or bargaining, we just said the word and that was the end. If we gave him a choice and he pushed for a different choice we said bargaining and made the choice for him. the consequence was having to live with whatever we chose. If he tried to drive a wedge in by lieing, we called it as a lie and told him he was triangulating. Then he had to spend a half hour doing nice things for each of us - back rub, foot rub, a chore that we normally did, whatever WE wanted. If he grumbled while he did it so what? The only time that was an issue is if it was during a back or foot rub. THEN he was told that he created this so he needed to be quiet or he would have to rub longer. Cause it was a 15-20 minute GRUMBLE FREE, NEGATIVITY FREE time. If he had to sit on his lips, so what?</p><p></p><p>The hardest thing is to realize when they are triangulating. Wiz could be very subtle about it. After working to catch it every time we got a LOT better catching the subtle stuff. that is where working with a therapist comes in handy.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p></p><p>susie</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 306113, member: 1233"] Triangulation really hoovers. It is also VERY dangerous. You and SO MUST be on the same page and continue to speak in private so that you are on the same page. It is easy for a child to put a true wedge between the two of you, easier than you would like to think. I have seen quite a few people in real life who divorced because a preteen or teen was triangulating and one parent believed the child instead of the spouse. Talk to a therapist about this. If difficult child has a therapist then go and talk to her first. That way you can set rules about it that are reasonable. When we had a son in the psychiatric hospital for 4 months it was one of the things the therapist there worked on with us, When our difficult child started triangulating, justifying or bargaining, we just said the word and that was the end. If we gave him a choice and he pushed for a different choice we said bargaining and made the choice for him. the consequence was having to live with whatever we chose. If he tried to drive a wedge in by lieing, we called it as a lie and told him he was triangulating. Then he had to spend a half hour doing nice things for each of us - back rub, foot rub, a chore that we normally did, whatever WE wanted. If he grumbled while he did it so what? The only time that was an issue is if it was during a back or foot rub. THEN he was told that he created this so he needed to be quiet or he would have to rub longer. Cause it was a 15-20 minute GRUMBLE FREE, NEGATIVITY FREE time. If he had to sit on his lips, so what? The hardest thing is to realize when they are triangulating. Wiz could be very subtle about it. After working to catch it every time we got a LOT better catching the subtle stuff. that is where working with a therapist comes in handy. Hugs, susie [/QUOTE]
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difficult child 3 trying to play one against the other
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