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difficult child 3 trying to play one against the other
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 306159" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Family counselling plus individual counselling for difficult child 3. That's it. Don't try to handle it yourself, because if you could, you wouldn't be where you are now.</p><p></p><p>A lot of this is typical teen stuff but when you have difficult children in the mix it complicates the picture.</p><p></p><p>I was talking to easy child 2/difficult child 2 today when a cousin's name got mentioned (as not coming to the wedding, has sent an inability). easy child 2/difficult child 2 said, "easy child will be pleased. She never could stand her."</p><p>I pointed out that both cousin and easy child are now older and much more mature; cousin was a little controlling, that is all (and condescending, which really teed off easy child) in her mid-teens. I responded with, "easy child wasn't the easiest to get on with either, when she was mid-teen. We had some horrible times with her and she is also VERY controlling."</p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 volunteered, "I know I also threw some beaut tantrums. It seemed to me that I would get into trouble for doing things I had got into trouble for NOT doing prevously. I felt I couldn't win."</p><p>I replied with, "That is because you were still learning about appropriateness and timing. What is the right way to behave in the situation can rapidly shift as the situation changes. It takes amturity to recognise this and to not argue when we're trying to explain it to you. And you WOULD argue, a lot."</p><p></p><p>She still does, but at least we get some explanation in before the tantrum gets too far out of control these days. </p><p></p><p>We got both girls into counselling at different times, when we had the biggest problems with them. The counsellor helped them feel "heard" but also helped them have a more balanced perspective. They also helped us find more effective ways to interact with them.</p><p></p><p>A big part of the problem - the child is becoming an adult and expecting adult rights and adult respect, but without the full knowledge of how to use it appropriately. They challenge parental authority (especially the one they perceive as the most dominant) and it is very much a struggle for dominance. Some parents just cave and let the teen become dominant. This is where they can run amok, getting more and more outrageous in their determination to live like adults but also at some deeper level, waiting for someone to say, "Enough!" Failure to put the brakes on can be one reason a kid's life can get as out of control as a runaway train.</p><p></p><p>The best option is to give the child respect, in order to teach them to show respect. Even if they didn't deserve that respect - you have to start somewhere. But you shouldn't be a doormat either. She needs ultimately to learn self-control, self-respect and self-determination. You ultimately need to see her as a fellow adult, no longer your child in need of discipline. But you are all at the moment in transition to that point, and this stage is where the worst teen conflicts can develop. </p><p></p><p>Seriously - get thee to a counsellor. someone good can help you all find your way to that desitnation as painlessly and effectively as possible.</p><p></p><p>And I really get the "hassle brother" problems. We would have our three younger kids at home each donig their own thing together or apart, all in harmony. easy child would arrive home for the weekend (she was 18-19) and within five minutes, ALL the kids would be screaming at one another. easy child insisted it wasn't her doing but I pointed out - it was her arrival that set everything off, that unbalanced what had been in harmony. So even if she felt she hadn't done anything wrong - she needed to learn to wait after arrival, to pause and assess the mood of the place before putting in her oar and trying to bend everyone to her will.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>Nobody should have to put up with this. But pounding the table and saying, "This must stop!" is not the way to fix it, either.</p><p></p><p>husband has changed a great deal since we began implementing "Explosive Child" methods. Today we observed a strict (and also loving and concerned) father trying to care for his adventurous pre-schooler. The man was gruff, strict, controlling and stern. Everything he was trying to do was correct, but as I said to husband later - there were gentler ways to do it. That man is heading for trouble in years to come because one day that son is going to say to himself, "It's about time Dad trested me like he expects me to treat him." And the difference between the two is such a huge gulf, that it is sometiimes too difficult to bridge it. </p><p></p><p>it is far better to begin as early as possible, and learn to treat te child as you want the child to treat you. It is how you will treat one another when the child is an adult, and we spend more time as adults in our lives than we do as children. So train her for that. Train yourselves too. But get help to do so.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 306159, member: 1991"] Family counselling plus individual counselling for difficult child 3. That's it. Don't try to handle it yourself, because if you could, you wouldn't be where you are now. A lot of this is typical teen stuff but when you have difficult children in the mix it complicates the picture. I was talking to easy child 2/difficult child 2 today when a cousin's name got mentioned (as not coming to the wedding, has sent an inability). easy child 2/difficult child 2 said, "easy child will be pleased. She never could stand her." I pointed out that both cousin and easy child are now older and much more mature; cousin was a little controlling, that is all (and condescending, which really teed off easy child) in her mid-teens. I responded with, "easy child wasn't the easiest to get on with either, when she was mid-teen. We had some horrible times with her and she is also VERY controlling." easy child 2/difficult child 2 volunteered, "I know I also threw some beaut tantrums. It seemed to me that I would get into trouble for doing things I had got into trouble for NOT doing prevously. I felt I couldn't win." I replied with, "That is because you were still learning about appropriateness and timing. What is the right way to behave in the situation can rapidly shift as the situation changes. It takes amturity to recognise this and to not argue when we're trying to explain it to you. And you WOULD argue, a lot." She still does, but at least we get some explanation in before the tantrum gets too far out of control these days. We got both girls into counselling at different times, when we had the biggest problems with them. The counsellor helped them feel "heard" but also helped them have a more balanced perspective. They also helped us find more effective ways to interact with them. A big part of the problem - the child is becoming an adult and expecting adult rights and adult respect, but without the full knowledge of how to use it appropriately. They challenge parental authority (especially the one they perceive as the most dominant) and it is very much a struggle for dominance. Some parents just cave and let the teen become dominant. This is where they can run amok, getting more and more outrageous in their determination to live like adults but also at some deeper level, waiting for someone to say, "Enough!" Failure to put the brakes on can be one reason a kid's life can get as out of control as a runaway train. The best option is to give the child respect, in order to teach them to show respect. Even if they didn't deserve that respect - you have to start somewhere. But you shouldn't be a doormat either. She needs ultimately to learn self-control, self-respect and self-determination. You ultimately need to see her as a fellow adult, no longer your child in need of discipline. But you are all at the moment in transition to that point, and this stage is where the worst teen conflicts can develop. Seriously - get thee to a counsellor. someone good can help you all find your way to that desitnation as painlessly and effectively as possible. And I really get the "hassle brother" problems. We would have our three younger kids at home each donig their own thing together or apart, all in harmony. easy child would arrive home for the weekend (she was 18-19) and within five minutes, ALL the kids would be screaming at one another. easy child insisted it wasn't her doing but I pointed out - it was her arrival that set everything off, that unbalanced what had been in harmony. So even if she felt she hadn't done anything wrong - she needed to learn to wait after arrival, to pause and assess the mood of the place before putting in her oar and trying to bend everyone to her will. I hope this helps. Nobody should have to put up with this. But pounding the table and saying, "This must stop!" is not the way to fix it, either. husband has changed a great deal since we began implementing "Explosive Child" methods. Today we observed a strict (and also loving and concerned) father trying to care for his adventurous pre-schooler. The man was gruff, strict, controlling and stern. Everything he was trying to do was correct, but as I said to husband later - there were gentler ways to do it. That man is heading for trouble in years to come because one day that son is going to say to himself, "It's about time Dad trested me like he expects me to treat him." And the difference between the two is such a huge gulf, that it is sometiimes too difficult to bridge it. it is far better to begin as early as possible, and learn to treat te child as you want the child to treat you. It is how you will treat one another when the child is an adult, and we spend more time as adults in our lives than we do as children. So train her for that. Train yourselves too. But get help to do so. Marg [/QUOTE]
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