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difficult child birthday coming up
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 619537" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Cedar, thank you for checking in. I don't really feel well. I am full of anger, and perseverative thoughts that I can't let go. I cruise this site too often, looking for things to distract me. I feel a little insane myself (I believe that I have had life long dysthymia, sort of mild, more manageable bipolar disorder, and this may just be that).</p><p></p><p> SO got a call at 3 AM this morning from an unknown number (difficult child doesn't have a phone, but it is amazing how many strangers will lend him theirs, so this is a common MO). SO didn't pick up. difficult child didn't try to call me. He did call his dad, also at 3 AM, just to say he misses him (that is classic...the wee hour wake up call. I used to think it was sweet...now I think it is selfish obnoxious and...oh, I don't know the word. Really? We both get up before 6 AM every day. How incredibly narcissistic to make calls at that hour)</p><p></p><p>So there I go...blaming, angry, wounded, biting at my own leg in the trap. I am in the cycle of the gyre, spinning close now...and in the spinning I am disappointed and angry at myself that I am not stronger, not better, not frieking Buddha himself. SO I take it off to the land of self-hate too....and then I don't even know if it has anything to do with difficult child any more.</p><p>It does. It doesn't.</p><p></p><p>I often have the odd idea, the magical thinking that if I am just patient enough things will change...I have been so good! I eliminated expectations! I didn't over extend! I didn't fret and control....and I did it for weeks and weeks and weeks! Surely now I deserve for things to be as I wish? Surely he will walk to the door on a sunny day with a shave and a smile and a hug and a job? I want to weep even as I write.</p><p></p><p>I was out running last week, and I saw in the distance a pair of runners approaching me....there is a program here called "Back on my Feet" which pairs runners with struggling homeless..(well they have to be living in city shelters to participate, so not perfectly homeless). And I thought it was difficult child, I though he had joined the program, I thought he was running tall and looking healthy....but of course it was not.</p><p></p><p>I set myself up for setbacks.</p><p></p><p>So thank you for checking in, and for letting me ramble. No, I don't feel strong for myself or for him or for my others today. Or yestarday. Maybe tomorrow. </p><p></p><p>Thank you, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 619537, member: 17269"] Cedar, thank you for checking in. I don't really feel well. I am full of anger, and perseverative thoughts that I can't let go. I cruise this site too often, looking for things to distract me. I feel a little insane myself (I believe that I have had life long dysthymia, sort of mild, more manageable bipolar disorder, and this may just be that). SO got a call at 3 AM this morning from an unknown number (difficult child doesn't have a phone, but it is amazing how many strangers will lend him theirs, so this is a common MO). SO didn't pick up. difficult child didn't try to call me. He did call his dad, also at 3 AM, just to say he misses him (that is classic...the wee hour wake up call. I used to think it was sweet...now I think it is selfish obnoxious and...oh, I don't know the word. Really? We both get up before 6 AM every day. How incredibly narcissistic to make calls at that hour) So there I go...blaming, angry, wounded, biting at my own leg in the trap. I am in the cycle of the gyre, spinning close now...and in the spinning I am disappointed and angry at myself that I am not stronger, not better, not frieking Buddha himself. SO I take it off to the land of self-hate too....and then I don't even know if it has anything to do with difficult child any more. It does. It doesn't. I often have the odd idea, the magical thinking that if I am just patient enough things will change...I have been so good! I eliminated expectations! I didn't over extend! I didn't fret and control....and I did it for weeks and weeks and weeks! Surely now I deserve for things to be as I wish? Surely he will walk to the door on a sunny day with a shave and a smile and a hug and a job? I want to weep even as I write. I was out running last week, and I saw in the distance a pair of runners approaching me....there is a program here called "Back on my Feet" which pairs runners with struggling homeless..(well they have to be living in city shelters to participate, so not perfectly homeless). And I thought it was difficult child, I though he had joined the program, I thought he was running tall and looking healthy....but of course it was not. I set myself up for setbacks. So thank you for checking in, and for letting me ramble. No, I don't feel strong for myself or for him or for my others today. Or yestarday. Maybe tomorrow. Thank you, Cedar. Echo [/QUOTE]
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