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difficult child Birthday
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 327793" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>YES.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like the medications are really helping him.</p><p></p><p>It also sounds like he is not good at controlling his reactions especially when unmedicated. He could have had not just the unmedicated issues, but also some degree of rebound.</p><p></p><p>I do sympathise, this gets very wearing when it's over and over, always aimed at you, always feeling like you're the one who does everything and he throws it back in your face - BUT</p><p></p><p>YOU are the adult. Bad as his behaviour is, when you lose it and behave badly back, it totally undermines anything positive you have done, any good progress you have all made. And it shows him that this kind of behaviour is clearly OK, since you're doing it too.</p><p></p><p>It's not fair, we're expected to be more than perfect as parents. But we also expect a lot from our kids, and whatever we expect from them, we have to present that exact same behaviour in ourselves, or else recognise that our kids are going to mess up and make us miserable.</p><p></p><p>When you let your kid see them 'score' and successfully upset you, then you have just given them ammunition to hurt you more accurately next time. But if you don't react, or walk away and stay away until you have calmed down, then you will have more long-term success.</p><p></p><p>I know you are all in counselling. That only makes it a bit easier for us to cope, it doesn't magically fix things. It'salso important to make sure that issues like this are documented and actually discussed with the tdocs. Otherwise, how can they know what sort of help we so desperately need?</p><p></p><p>I read what you wrote carefull and from the very beginning. What I was hearing in difficult child's reactions, was a kid whose anxiety was out of control. The lack of appetite could be medication-related, but also very much anxiety-related. Considering what he was facing, my money is on the anxiety.</p><p></p><p>We get this sort of stuff from difficult child 3 also. The best way to handle it is to disengage. As soon as you engage, you have to respond, and frankly responding to it especially while he is in a heightened state (anxiety, anger or whatever) is a recipe for disaster.</p><p></p><p>He won't starve to death. Before it gets to that stage, get him to hospital and tube-fed. he'll eventually get weak enough so they can force a tube down his throat.</p><p></p><p>But seriously, it won't get that far. </p><p></p><p>In a situaiton like this one, if he refuses all food, don't force it. Just make sure you have some food packed (muesli bars or similar) so if he gets the munchies later on (and he desperately needs something) then he has some food available that is also not totally rubbish.</p><p></p><p>Some teen males get really cranky when they're hungry. They can't be reasoned with until they've been fed. Others can't eat when tey're anxious. If you get the combination, then it can be unpleasant until the kid himself works out that before he shoots his mouth off, he'd better eat so his blood sugar level can stabilise and he can think more clearly.</p><p></p><p>Heapologised next day. Good. But the trouble with this - the words have now been said, the hurt has been caused, the wound is still festering and needs time to heal. Bad words and bad deeds cannot be easily and quickly undone with an apology. He needs to see this and recognise that if he has hurt you, an apology is only a start.</p><p></p><p>But you need to also take this on board - remember you are the adult. No matter how bad the temptation, do not lower yourself to an adolescent level. Ask your counsellor for some help in developing your own coping strategies, putting things in place for you to do when he next upsets you to this extent.</p><p></p><p>In summary - you were right to be upset. Not right to do what you did. Because all that does, is enable him to behave badly in return.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 327793, member: 1991"] YES. It sounds like the medications are really helping him. It also sounds like he is not good at controlling his reactions especially when unmedicated. He could have had not just the unmedicated issues, but also some degree of rebound. I do sympathise, this gets very wearing when it's over and over, always aimed at you, always feeling like you're the one who does everything and he throws it back in your face - BUT YOU are the adult. Bad as his behaviour is, when you lose it and behave badly back, it totally undermines anything positive you have done, any good progress you have all made. And it shows him that this kind of behaviour is clearly OK, since you're doing it too. It's not fair, we're expected to be more than perfect as parents. But we also expect a lot from our kids, and whatever we expect from them, we have to present that exact same behaviour in ourselves, or else recognise that our kids are going to mess up and make us miserable. When you let your kid see them 'score' and successfully upset you, then you have just given them ammunition to hurt you more accurately next time. But if you don't react, or walk away and stay away until you have calmed down, then you will have more long-term success. I know you are all in counselling. That only makes it a bit easier for us to cope, it doesn't magically fix things. It'salso important to make sure that issues like this are documented and actually discussed with the tdocs. Otherwise, how can they know what sort of help we so desperately need? I read what you wrote carefull and from the very beginning. What I was hearing in difficult child's reactions, was a kid whose anxiety was out of control. The lack of appetite could be medication-related, but also very much anxiety-related. Considering what he was facing, my money is on the anxiety. We get this sort of stuff from difficult child 3 also. The best way to handle it is to disengage. As soon as you engage, you have to respond, and frankly responding to it especially while he is in a heightened state (anxiety, anger or whatever) is a recipe for disaster. He won't starve to death. Before it gets to that stage, get him to hospital and tube-fed. he'll eventually get weak enough so they can force a tube down his throat. But seriously, it won't get that far. In a situaiton like this one, if he refuses all food, don't force it. Just make sure you have some food packed (muesli bars or similar) so if he gets the munchies later on (and he desperately needs something) then he has some food available that is also not totally rubbish. Some teen males get really cranky when they're hungry. They can't be reasoned with until they've been fed. Others can't eat when tey're anxious. If you get the combination, then it can be unpleasant until the kid himself works out that before he shoots his mouth off, he'd better eat so his blood sugar level can stabilise and he can think more clearly. Heapologised next day. Good. But the trouble with this - the words have now been said, the hurt has been caused, the wound is still festering and needs time to heal. Bad words and bad deeds cannot be easily and quickly undone with an apology. He needs to see this and recognise that if he has hurt you, an apology is only a start. But you need to also take this on board - remember you are the adult. No matter how bad the temptation, do not lower yourself to an adolescent level. Ask your counsellor for some help in developing your own coping strategies, putting things in place for you to do when he next upsets you to this extent. In summary - you were right to be upset. Not right to do what you did. Because all that does, is enable him to behave badly in return. Marg [/QUOTE]
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