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difficult child caused a wonderful day to end on a rotten note!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 163716" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Mom2, </p><p> </p><p>You know when you are the family difficult child, and you have to live with a sibling that is nearly perfect it's more than hard. It's impossible to feel anything but jealousy. </p><p> </p><p>Jealousy is a strong motivator - and sadly it makes parents of multiple kids NOT understand WHY the difficult child wouldn't just be elated and happy or even show up for the easy child's graduation. But in the mind of a difficult child - they aren't the same thinking as you or I, and take a very DIM view of anything that gives what they feel even MORE praise to the prodigal son. </p><p> </p><p>Honestly? The best thing to do is IGNORE IT. Don't text, don't engage in a battle where difficult child gets to go back and forth with you. The more you or husband do that? The worse he's going to be and hotter,and more argumentative and you'll never win. Sadly neither will he. </p><p> </p><p>It's an attention seeking skill. Nothing more. IF they can get even ONE person who doesn't know them to go "OH you poor thing" they win in their minds. Ask yourself this - when you were on the phone and texting him - were you NOT giving him TIME? Did that time take away from TIME you could have spent with your other easy child son or your husband? See - they are master manipulators. He wanted the time to be about him - and even if for a short while - it was. Let it go. </p><p> </p><p>When Dude ran away the first time we were out of our minds looking for him. And he sat in someones home and watched us drive by, talk to people, show his picture - omg what idiots we were and how much attention he got from lying and telling people in the house he was at HOW awful living with us was. that I beat him, burned his books, threw his clothes away. </p><p> </p><p>We called the police and begged them to look for him. So now there are at least 5 cars driving around all for him. They found him, brought him home and we all did the WE WERE SO WORRIED about you speil. </p><p> </p><p>We processed this with our therapist and the therapist said "When he ran away did he have a choice to come home?" and we said "Well of course - he had a choice not to run away either." So we worked on how to treat this little bit of attention seeking through therapy. IF Dude ever ran away again - we were to understand THIS was HIS CHOICE. Much like your son and the graduation vs. birthday. Your son KNEW about the graduation for his brother and CHOSE to go to the birthday - END OF STORY. Really. If you wanted to be cool - you call his cell and say - Your brothers graduation party is still going on - he'd like to have you here - just thought I'd remind you. And LET IT GO. If he started to be the victim you just say "Okay honey ' hope to see you here gotta go." and hang up. </p><p> </p><p>The second time Dude ran away we immediately went to reach for the phone to call the police. And we did - but it was JUST to report him missing. When asked DID we WANT them to look for him? No. Just making a report. When the police asked were WE going to look for him? We said "It was his choice to run away." and the cop grinned. Each day he was gone - we still called and had a report filled out to cover our butts - but eventually they (cops) got tired of coming to our house to fill out paperwork, and went and got him where THEY felt he was. And he was - and they brought him home, and when he came in - with the cop WE SAID NOTHING except "go to your room we'll discuss this at a family meeting when WE are ready." and we let him sit in his room for nearly 2 hours. Sure he came out and whined we were unfair. We said NOTHING. Just pointed and said ROOM. Eventually we got him - and talked to him. We said that it was evident he wasn't happy here - so where would he like to go? He whined that WE DIDN"T COME LOOK FOR HIM and WE MUST NOT CARE. </p><p> </p><p>(to which a silent nod of parental unification was given) just like the therapist told us. We told him "You had a choice, you made it." We're not running after a 16 year old that doesn't want to be here." and then in therapy for the next 6 months we worked on skills as parents to NOT feed into difficult child's "victim" or "feel sorry for me" deal.....and it has GREATLY improved our lives. The fact that DF and I learned HOW NOT TO FEED INTO his "I want everyone to feel sorry for me I'm the victim." made difficult child mature a lot faster - face it - YOUR FAMILY is the only ones that will feel sorry for you time after time and pick you up time after time. Eventually your friends and their parents will get tired of your BS and figure out there is SOMETHING wrong with you and shy away. Family usually doesnt. But we can learn how not to buy into his "I'm the victim." routine. </p><p> </p><p>It takes time with a therapist and you and DF can go even if difficult child won't go and learn a TON about how to deal with him. I promise you'll learn how to say things like "Wow." "TOO BAD." and "Oh well." without engaging in a battle of pity me. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 163716, member: 4964"] Mom2, You know when you are the family difficult child, and you have to live with a sibling that is nearly perfect it's more than hard. It's impossible to feel anything but jealousy. Jealousy is a strong motivator - and sadly it makes parents of multiple kids NOT understand WHY the difficult child wouldn't just be elated and happy or even show up for the easy child's graduation. But in the mind of a difficult child - they aren't the same thinking as you or I, and take a very DIM view of anything that gives what they feel even MORE praise to the prodigal son. Honestly? The best thing to do is IGNORE IT. Don't text, don't engage in a battle where difficult child gets to go back and forth with you. The more you or husband do that? The worse he's going to be and hotter,and more argumentative and you'll never win. Sadly neither will he. It's an attention seeking skill. Nothing more. IF they can get even ONE person who doesn't know them to go "OH you poor thing" they win in their minds. Ask yourself this - when you were on the phone and texting him - were you NOT giving him TIME? Did that time take away from TIME you could have spent with your other easy child son or your husband? See - they are master manipulators. He wanted the time to be about him - and even if for a short while - it was. Let it go. When Dude ran away the first time we were out of our minds looking for him. And he sat in someones home and watched us drive by, talk to people, show his picture - omg what idiots we were and how much attention he got from lying and telling people in the house he was at HOW awful living with us was. that I beat him, burned his books, threw his clothes away. We called the police and begged them to look for him. So now there are at least 5 cars driving around all for him. They found him, brought him home and we all did the WE WERE SO WORRIED about you speil. We processed this with our therapist and the therapist said "When he ran away did he have a choice to come home?" and we said "Well of course - he had a choice not to run away either." So we worked on how to treat this little bit of attention seeking through therapy. IF Dude ever ran away again - we were to understand THIS was HIS CHOICE. Much like your son and the graduation vs. birthday. Your son KNEW about the graduation for his brother and CHOSE to go to the birthday - END OF STORY. Really. If you wanted to be cool - you call his cell and say - Your brothers graduation party is still going on - he'd like to have you here - just thought I'd remind you. And LET IT GO. If he started to be the victim you just say "Okay honey ' hope to see you here gotta go." and hang up. The second time Dude ran away we immediately went to reach for the phone to call the police. And we did - but it was JUST to report him missing. When asked DID we WANT them to look for him? No. Just making a report. When the police asked were WE going to look for him? We said "It was his choice to run away." and the cop grinned. Each day he was gone - we still called and had a report filled out to cover our butts - but eventually they (cops) got tired of coming to our house to fill out paperwork, and went and got him where THEY felt he was. And he was - and they brought him home, and when he came in - with the cop WE SAID NOTHING except "go to your room we'll discuss this at a family meeting when WE are ready." and we let him sit in his room for nearly 2 hours. Sure he came out and whined we were unfair. We said NOTHING. Just pointed and said ROOM. Eventually we got him - and talked to him. We said that it was evident he wasn't happy here - so where would he like to go? He whined that WE DIDN"T COME LOOK FOR HIM and WE MUST NOT CARE. (to which a silent nod of parental unification was given) just like the therapist told us. We told him "You had a choice, you made it." We're not running after a 16 year old that doesn't want to be here." and then in therapy for the next 6 months we worked on skills as parents to NOT feed into difficult child's "victim" or "feel sorry for me" deal.....and it has GREATLY improved our lives. The fact that DF and I learned HOW NOT TO FEED INTO his "I want everyone to feel sorry for me I'm the victim." made difficult child mature a lot faster - face it - YOUR FAMILY is the only ones that will feel sorry for you time after time and pick you up time after time. Eventually your friends and their parents will get tired of your BS and figure out there is SOMETHING wrong with you and shy away. Family usually doesnt. But we can learn how not to buy into his "I'm the victim." routine. It takes time with a therapist and you and DF can go even if difficult child won't go and learn a TON about how to deal with him. I promise you'll learn how to say things like "Wow." "TOO BAD." and "Oh well." without engaging in a battle of pity me. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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