difficult child doesn't want to go to dads house?

[Jena]

hi

i'm not sure what to do difficult child doens't want to go to dad's anymore every other weekend. older one already doesn't go and little difficult child hates it when she doesn't. yet this has been teh way for about 2 mos. now

so last night she was crying alot talking about him picking her up tonight very anxiety ridden about it talking about how at the park dad has to always use hte bathroom and she has to stand outside alone, same with movies or anywhere they go. that his wife is never there and it makes her feel like she purposely disappears when she comes over because she doen'st like her which is try by the way.

his wife's a horror show.

so i'm not sure what to do. him and i are battling again pretty bad right now so ofcourse he views this as manipulation on mypart although it is not i have never said a bad word about him infront of kids i wouldn't do that. ihad difficult child call him last night when she couldn't sleep to explain to him how she feels this is hard fo rher. he just kept shutting her down saying i'Tourette's Syndrome ok we'll have a great time and not really listening to her and what she was saying.

so do i send her another weekend with her hysterical crying as she walks out door to get into car with him?? what do i do? whats the right thing to do? how is she once she's there he pink and blues everything which is main reason we are battling yet again. i say ok she needs alot of help gut tells me she may be bi polar either way i have to treat the symptons at thsi point he is in strong denail she's fine even still, even now. it's insane and ridiculous.

so do i send her?? fiance adn i were talking about it last night. he said why cant' he just come out for day adn take her out for day and return her home?? i said because he won't he only sees what he thinks is right not what is right for her. he even threatened me with takign or fighting for custody yesterday because i've been interviewing therapists for her that deal with anxiety depression mood disorders and bi polar and he was screaming at me she doens't have bi polar i have medical proof right now. i said from where columbia?? she's severely depressed and anxiety ridden adn i paid for the evaluation, well fiance did at this point cause now i'm Occupational Therapist (OT) working. i said what is it you have????

ugh he makes me so so sick you have no idea he makes everything so much harder when it comes to her and helping her.

thanks any advice i'd be open to hearing it. i've never not sent her even through her tears i don't want them to lose their connection whatever it may be.

Jen

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Jen,

This is such a hard one. I wish I had a magic wand, or a crystal ball to give you the correct answer.

You know, you hear all the time how kids function so much better when their father is in their life. Ok, but what if their father is a real moron? Tink absolutely adores her father, but she went through periods where she did not want to see him. He has done some real stupid things, and went through periods where she was not his priority when she was there. For awhile, when his girlfriend was pregnant, he'd put Tink's older brothers in charge of her for HOURS so he could sleep, because she kept him up all night whining. Her brothers resented her and she'd come home telling me that they were always beating her up. After awhile, she fought back, and dad finally put his foot down to the g/f.

At this point, Tink loves going over to her dad's. She actually has a good relationship with the g/f (something I never imagined would happen) and adores her baby brother. Her older brothers rarely go there anymore though. I think that it was important for me to never bad mouth him to her, and make her go to see her dad. The two of them worked through their issues, at least for now. She is very close with him. A lot was my problem. I did not like how he did things, because it was not how I did things. But I had to let that go. As long as he made sure she got her medication at the right time, I really had to "basket C" everything else.

And the more I backed off, the less he did to try and tick me off. He used to let her watch movies that I did not approve of just to get to me. Since I backed off (and he knows I will stay backed off) it seems like he figures, OK, she's not out to pick fights with me. He has become much more responsible. Maybe he would have sooner, if I hadn't tried to shove it down his throat.

Anyways, that is what worked for me. Others may disagree. I wish you luck in your situation.

 

[JJJ]

Will your older one go with to take care of the younger one? I know I kept going even when I was old enough to say no because my little sisters weren't old enough to say no. Legally, I think you are required to send her. Bad parenting doesn't equal abuse no matter how frustrating it is to see all your work undermined.

Sorry,

 

[KTMom91]

The way the visitation order is written should state whether or not you have to send her. I was lucky; my divorce papers say "reasonable visitation", so I didn't HAVE to send Miss KT when she refused to go. I was also very lucky that her useless father had a wonderful girlfriend who took better care of Miss KT than he did.

What does your ex do when little difficult child gets upset over there? Can't he see her pain?

 

[busywend]

It really depends on your gut feeling, in my humble opinion.

I forced my difficult child to go, because I knew deep down her father would take care of her and do what he thought was best for her. Yes, he punished her in ways I never would have. He was her dad, not her mom.
difficult child only lived with her mom and figured dad should be the same way. It took years for difficult child to understand that dad's are just different than moms - not better or worse, not right or wrong - just different.

If you & he were together still she would get the same discipline techniques in her own home from him, right?

The leaving her outside the bathroom must be something dads with daughters struggle with often. I do not have a good solution to that problem.

 

[Jena]

hI,

thanks for all the input i appreciate it. So glad to hear that Tink has adjusted so very well to dad's house now and new baby that's important and it will be good for her.

i need to explain i didn't i'm sorry older one is not from marriage. i had her very young 23 i became pregnant suddenly yes a surprise my friend at the time in which assisted with my pregnancy shall we say backed off when they found out i was pregnant so she's never met her biological and knows the entire story. my ex and i married when older difficult child was very young, and so he became her dad she began to call him dad. she has known him since age of 4. he met her i guess about 8 mos after we started dating when i knew it was getting serious.

so now she does not like older difficult child how dad handles her he has a short fuse and is often verbally abusive to her i feel. older one knows it is her option and his wife is not liked by my children she actually clears out the weekends kids go there she's very selfish and young i'm going on 40 she'll be 28. so kids feel that she doesn't like them etc.

i decided today after speaking with difficult child who was up most of night tha ti would send her tomorrow a.m. it will alleviate the upsement of missing her friday night with me that she loves we make pizza together usually or whatever and we watch movies its her down time after struggling all week long with anxiety and moods and school so she goes on computer it's kind of a free for all night. so when i told her she could go in a.m. she was thrilled. i set up playdate for her today on beach with another new friend it's beautiful here in new york.