difficult child draining my life force

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by amelia, Mar 11, 2012.

  1. amelia

    amelia New Member

    My difficult child is 24, a college graduate (and what struggle and drama that was), an has no motivation to do anything but play games on the computer. difficult child is legally blind and can't drive, and we live in an area with no public transportation, so that makes independence extremely difficult, taxis are available but cost at least $20 to get anywhere. difficult child has a part time job that was handed to her and has no desire to look for anything full time. She says she is too stupid to work, she sucks, she wants to quit, I should have gotten an abortion, and when I die she will have to live on the streets until she dies because she is too stupid to take care of herself. We have tried: therapy, medications, homeopathy, psychics, faith healers, DBT, LENS therapy, and hypno-therapy. Nothing has made one iota of a difference. I feel like she is sucking the life out of me and there is no help and nowhere to turn. I realize there is no answer, I guess I need maybe a some insight and support.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi there and welcome! Congrats on getting her through college! I imagine you have a lot to share with many of us. I really don't have any advice for what to do for your daughter but for sure I can offer understanding of how hard it is to have a child who sucks the life force out of you! I think that is a really accurate statement for what lots of us feel at least on a part time basis. You have really made the circut for therapy ideas! with her being blind, does that open any doors through the county or disability services that can help her with vocational things?? And also with transportation??? I am SURE you already have explored this, but it was the only thing that popped into my head. And if she is not motivated then I suppose things could be presented to her and she just wouldn't go along. Where does she live?? with you??? If so, maybe that is the next issue to tackle. She would have to figure something out if she goes to some kind of independent living situation, right?

    Sorry, not much help but you have a place to come to vent and many people to hear you. Glad you found us!
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You need to talk to Hounddog - ask her what HER legally blind son is "VERY CAPABLE" of. (She'll probably be along in a little bit - I'll poke her and send her over)

    And welcome.
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Are there any group homes or assisted living facilities in the area?
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board amelia, I'm so glad you found us. :)

    First can I have a little background on your daughter.........was she born blind, or did she lose her sight for some reason? Does she have any other diagnosis' along with the depression?

    Travis is legally blind. Up until the age of 6 he had normal 20/20 vision. At 6 1/2 it suddenly dropped to 20/100 in the right eye and 20/60 in the left (good eye). By age 9 or 10 he was 20/200 corrected in the right eye and 20/100 uncorrected in the left and by then we figured out he had double vision that docs couldn't seem to correct no matter what they tried. By 14 we discovered the uncorrectable double vision and vision loss was due to damage to his optic nerves, didn't really have anything to do with the "eye" itself. His right eye is now off the chart. He has colorful blur if that. Left eye is now 20/200. Double vision is still there. Actually I think it's worse now but it's been a few years since his last exam, no insurance. We learned at 18/19 that the damage to his optic nerves was caused by strokes, when he had a fairly large stroke that caused right facial paralysis.

    Travis also has cerebral palsy with significant brain damage, tourettes syndrome, epilepsy, and polycythemia which is a rare blood disorder that causes his bone marrow to produce too many blood cells which causes clots to form. The cause of his strokes. And he's autistic.

    But he's also the most stubborn child (just like his Mom, only I'm more so) you'd ever meet. I've never treated him differently due to his dxes or disabilities. Well, he did have to quit soccer after a year because it was a bit too much contact sport, but he did play for the year. He's only now beginning to actually "get" that he is disabled and that there are limits to what he can do.

    In high school he attended a tech school that taught him computer programming and hardware. He graduated on the honor roll. He couldn't take his test because the state wouldn't modify the test for him. (for his A++ certification) So he decided he'd go for his degree. At 18 he talked about it, a LOT. I told him what he needed to do and left it at that. My kids were taught if they wanted to attend college it was up to them to make it happen both in paperwork and with the loans. At 19 he talked about it some more......got the application filled out......never got around to sending it in. At 20 he got the application in, got as far as figuring out the dorm situation.......forgot he'd need loans......... At 21 he finally managed the entire process on his own, the application, the loans, the dorm arrangements for handicap students (he attended a college that was built to accommodate the handicap) and signed up for classes. And I held my breath while he went off to college, alone for the first time in his life in a major city. (we live in a small rural town) He not only took classes but took fencing (yes, OMG fencing!), he walked anywhere he couldn't get a ride, sometimes many miles. He made it through the whole year before realizing that a 4 yr college was just too expensive for classes he could take at a jr college.

    He was a full time cashier at walmart for more than a year. He was floor maintenance for kroger running the big waxer machine for more than year. All during this time for fun he develops video games with others online. He also plays tennis. Don't ask me how he plays........cuz I dunno. LOL

    We did have some wars over driving. Heck, we had wars over him riding his bike, which he just finally gave up about 2 yrs ago. It's only been 3 yrs that he uses his cane most of the time. That was another challenge. Had to have the Cincy assoc for the blind come with a therapist to train him on the cane.......and he was not a happy camper. Therapist said to leave it be, it was normal and he'd come around in his own time. Sure enough he was right. He came around shortly before going off to college.

    Right now he's on academic probation because he refuses to use the disability office for help. Due to the brain damage he has issues that severely handicap him in english.......and he seriously needs the help. You can't get a degree without english, yet he can't pass english because writing those papers is like climbing a mountain for him. Of course the eye thing does nothing to help either.

    Like I said before, we're rural small town. We have taxi's but you have to reserve them to use them with about 2 wks notice. (they're that much in demand, we don't have many) I'm not his taxi service. If he wants to go somewhere, he walks. He walks the mile to the library and the mile home. He walks the 2 miles to the tennis court and the 2 mile home. He doesn't complain because if he does I remind him walking is healthy. And he knows if I'm going somewhere and he wants to go he can ride along. I just don't make extra trips.

    I stumbled upon the Cincy Association for the Blind totally by accident. No one even told me it existed. They not only gave Travis his cane for free with training, they gave him a lot of other equipment to help him while working and while on his computer for free.

    I've never had an issue with Travis thinking he couldn't do something. I think some of that is his personality, he can't stand that his sisters can do things he can't. And some is because I've never put limits on what he can do except the driving, which of course I had no choice. He's always had chores, in fact he still does.....plus he helps me around the house. Sure he can't drive, but he has legs and he can still walk. That we are a smaller town makes this somewhat easier depending on where he wants to go. Although he's made endless trips clear across town on foot.

    Without some background on your daughter I'm hesitant to advise because I'm not sure what you've tried.

    I never did therapy for Travis because quite frankly, it was useless. His issues weren't going to go away, in fact they will worsen with time, he had to learn to accept it and cope with it in his own time and in his own way........all I could do was treat him like I would anyone else and support and encourage him. It was hard at times, lord knows, just the war over the drivers license lasted 2 years alone and I swear I had to prove to him the state would not give him a license. That one came as an awful blow, and it did his male ego no favors either. But he finally managed to get through it and accept it. Enough walking into walls and nearly getting run over by oncoming traffic motivated him to use the cane, that up until then basically sat in a corner of the dining room. Enough crashes on his bike finally convinced him it was best to park it forever, which finally got through to him if you can't ride a bike without wrecking you can't drive a car without wrecking.

    I'm going to guess that her vision loss is somewhat recent and not a life long thing? Is that the cause of the depression? (if it is it is fairly normal by the way)

    If she is not motivated to do anything, perhaps you're not giving her the proper motivation. Such as she wants to go somewhere, then either she needs to do x or she needs to walk. Travis went to work because at a certain age I stop buying clothing ect for my kids. Go to work or go naked. Want a new video game, get a job. I don't see where motivating a legally blind child is really any different than motivating any difficult child child or even typical child for that matter. They have limits with their vision, true, but she won't know what those limits are unless she pushes the envelope to find out. There are blind folks working in all sorts of fields. And she won't be motivated to push those limits if she can, now that she's graduated college, sit at home and resume being the perpetual teen. (cuz she'll fall right back into that role if you let her) She has a college degree. Why is she not using it? Can she get full time employment for that degree? Was it something she wanted to do? Travis, once he has his, has the issue that there is not much in the way of jobs in his field in a small town.........but we're an hour from 3 major cities, and he can learn bus routes and he can walk. Due to college I know he can live fairly independently. He can cook, clean, and pay bills. I mean, he'll have to be checked on from time to time but that is due to the autism more than the vision. I don't see any reason your daughter can't live independently.

    I'll admit before Travis went to college I had accepted the fact he'd probably never live on his own. He went off to college to find out. He roomed with 3 other guys, one completely blind, and 2 that were not handicapped they put in to help them. He had to cook, clean, do his own laundry, get himself up to class, shop for groceries ect. He either rode the bus or walked where he needed to go. He proved to both himself and to me that he can live independently.

    I think when we have a disabled child, we have to be very careful not to put limits on them. I don't think we mean to necessarily, we just have their welfare at heart. But kids can pick up on the fact that those around them doubt their ability, and it can cause them to doubt themselves......to decide that if others think they can't then what is the point in trying at all? Other than the independent thing with Travis, I did pretty well on no limits. That one was a tough one to get past. I was scared to death when he went to college. No joke. But I had to let go and let him try.

    What would you do if you had a "normal" 24 yr old only working part time and sitting home playing video games with no motivation to do anything else? (I ask myself this question alot by the way lol Helps me keep it in perspective)

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    With the info Hound Dog asked for, others of us could add more specific ideas also.

    I would stop giving her ANYTHING and lock up everything you can. I would also give her a move out date. Where will she go? Not your problem. WIll she starve? Only if she really wants to. Will she find a place? Who knows, and neither your problem nor your business.

    All that you do by allowing her to live iwth you and not contribute is infantilize her and allow her to become more entrenched in her depression and do-nothingness. medications might help the depression, but not if she won't take them. She also needs therapy to go along with the medications or they are pointless because you really need both to treat it effectively.

    WHy not cut off her computer access? Do you use the computer at home much? Password protect your router and don't let her have the password. If you don't use a computer at home, then cut off the internet service for a few months. If all she does is play online games, then she can't do that with no internet. If she plays games on a computer that doesn't need the internet, lock it up or get rid of it for a while. Your home, your rules. Period. If she doesn't like it she is free to leave.

    I know it sounds hard hearted, but you do her no favors by allowing her to live at home and do nothing with her life. She may need help adjusting to being blind or learning to cope as an adult, but she won't do that while plugged into a computer all day.

    We are a group of parents who have been there done that, and we know these are suggestions and may not fit your situation. So take what is useful and leave the rest. We truly understand. I would suggest that you seek out support for the blind to see what is out there to help her and to help you as her parent. Not instead of us, in addition to us, of course!!!
  7. amelia

    amelia New Member

    Thanks for the responses. So much info given and asked for from me that I don't even know where to start. My difficult child was born legally blind, she has albinism. So not only is she dealing with the visual impairment but also with people's reactions to how she looks. She has had her share of q tip, Clorox, and Casper insults hurled at her, along with the always popular "LOOK, AN ALBINO," when she is walking around or at the mall. As to walking miles and miles to get somewhere, a young female walking alone on the side of the road is not safe, add the startling physical appearance and it is definitely not something I would want her to do.

    She had been registered with the agency for the blind in our state since she was 3 months old. She has had orientation and mobility, cane training, rehab and vocational counselors. She is capable, lived alone in the dorm since she didn't want to share a room, and graduated magna *** laude. Vision is the very least of her problems.

    She had no other diagnosis until she was diagnosed with major depression in high school. I believe her self esteem issues and lack of motivation stem from her extremely emotionally abusive father. He left when she was a few months old but had visitation 2 days a week until she refused to see him anymore when she was 16. What I learned was that children have no rights when it comes to their abusive parents, and emotional abuse is impossible to prove, and we were stuck with the visitation. She started therapy when she was 6 because of her anxiety (stomach problems, sleep problems with no physical cause).

    In high school she was given her first medications for depression, prosaz, and this lead to her first hospitalization, which lead to more medications, which lead to more hospitalizations, which lead to the suicide attempt and another hospitalization, which lead to her deciding to never mess with the medications again, which I support. This lead to the homeopath, faith healer, LENS therapy, hypno-therapy, psychic, none of which helped.

    Now she has high anxiety, has only one friend and blows people off who try to be friendly with her, has no social life, no desire to leave the house, and insists she is too stupid to have a full time job. She saves all her money, doesn't ask for anything. Buys her own clothes and stuff with her pay. The computer is hers, bought with money from her summer job. I don't ask for rent, I would rather she save her money for when she really needs it, and I don't think she would care if I took all her money for rent. I have limited computer access in the past, and she would just go to bed and stay there. The computer is her only social outlet, she talks to her friend (who she met her first semester in college) and plays games with her on it, so I won't take that away now, at least she is not in bed.

    I think I covered everything, don't know what else to say. What would I do if I had a 24 year old who wasn't visually impaired acting like this. That is the question. Like I said, vision is the least of her problems. And I feel the issues would be the same (except for not being able to go where and when she wants because of her vision). I would never send my daughter out on the street with no friends and no resources, so maybe we are both doomed because of my refusal to put her out, I don't know. I want her to grow, mature and be independent, not die on the streets, she doesn't even have the option of living in her car. ugh....
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2012
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((hugs))) amelia

    This is why I asked for more background, so I could get a better picture of what is going on and of your daughter. I see why you're so frustrated.

    I do want to say right off, major kuddos for her graduating college AND with honors, of that you must be proud. But I can see since you know she's capable, that it's only making it more frustrating for you. Plus it's hard to see your kid miserable and wanting to reach out and help them, but they don't want to be helped or aren't ready to be helped. And the whole bad experience with medications and docs ect before is going to make it really tough to get her to seek help now.

    Since you've tried removing privileges to motivate her and it didn't work, this is going to be tough. Obviously she needs help. Depression and anxiety can be treated without medications, but it can be a much slower process, and would still require her to at the very least be willing to see a therapist. I'm not against homeopathic anything......just you stated it didn't work for her either. I'm not a person who likes to take medications, so I can relate to that. I had severe issues with anxiety following an accident........I did take klonopin for a few weeks, but the psychiatrist wasn't one who liked to keep people on anxiety medications long term if he could help them learn to face the issues and find ways to deal with them. The medication mostly made it so I wasn't so anxious I couldn't make it to those first appointments.

    Do you and your daughter have a close relationship? Does she feel comfortable talking with you about how she feels ect? Does she react well to encouragement? (maybe that would work better than the other suggestions?)

    I understand your concerns for her safety. Here we do have a transportation service Travis doesn't like to use. They transport the disabled and low income folks with no cars for free. It is a program through the county. I wonder if you contact your local health dept if you might have something similar. If you did that would at least be a means for her to get out of the house under more safe conditions. (as it sounds like you might be more small town than we are)
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hound has more direct experience than I do... but I've had friends all my life who were blind - one, literally, 100% blind, born without an optic nerve, the others variations on visually impaired (none will ever drive, for example... all are legally blind), ranging in age from early-teens, to 80s. One is a retired university prof. Another has lived all his life in the same area... first on the farm, then in the nearby town.

    I think you're correct that the vision problems are not the main problem. The albino characteristics, alone, cause major social problems... The abuse/potential abuse from her other parent... is more likely the biggest single factor. Depression and anxiety feed off of interconnected problems. The vision challenges and physical characteristics made school more emotionally difficult... then you add in the problematic parent relationship, and things snowball from there. It also isn't uncommon for things to hold together for some period of time after a "problem" goes away... until the problem is far enough away that it is safe to react... (part of PTSD).

    medications don't cure depression or anxiety. They can help put a person into a frame of mind to be open to and/or able to handle other forms of treatment (CBT etc.)... but it has to be a fit.

    Sorry I don't have better answers...
  10. amelia

    amelia New Member

    My difficult child and I are close, but I don't know at this point if that is good or bad. She comes to me with all her anxieties, just pulls on me, and no answer or response I give is good enough. She says I am delusional when I tell her she is capable. She says I just won't admit how stupid she is. She says she can't reason or figure things out and she wants an IQ test to prove to me how stupid she is.

    She has been in therapy for abuse/PTSD. The last therapist she went to specialized in it, wrote books on it, and gave conferences world wide on emotional abuse. It did not help my difficult child at all, she stopped going in the fall. She has to want to be better for the therapy to help, and after 18 years of therapy I give up. Me and my bank account (or what's left of it) can't take any more. I think she gets something out of "punishing" me for letting her father near her, I think she is very angry at me, and she gets something out of being messed up.

    We don't live in a rural area, we live in a large suburb of NY. There were 850 kids in her HS graduating class. The public transportation is a joke, you cannot survive here without a car. Her job is 6 miles from our house and to get there by bus it would take 2 hrs and 15 minutes and 3 transfers. There is transportation for the disabled, for $1.00 a ride. They will give you a 4 hour window where they guarantee they will get you to your destination, up to 2 hours before you need to be there and up to 2 hours after you need to be there. She used them for a few weeks with her summer job. She almost got fired for being late 5 times in 2 weeks. Finally my husband made arrangements with his job so he could get her there in the morning on time.

    I am still at a loss as to what I can or should do for her. There is no easy answer and I just feel so stressed.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi and welcome.

    What I am going to tell you is probably not what you are going to want to hear but I will just put it out there. I think you need to find some sort of independent living situation for your daughter so she isnt as dependent on you. Right now she is focusing on you for all her needs but she is also blaming you even if it is subconsciously for everything wrong in her life. All the "Im stupid" talk she is giving you is proof of that. She graduated college with outstanding grades. She is not stupid.

    If you are in the NY area I would bet there are services for the blind that could help you find a place where she could live and have access to transportation. If she has to change jobs, so be it. Maybe she could be in a roommate situation. I think if she starts to have some successes with living on her own and managing her own life she will feel better about herself. I agree with the fact that these kids become "therapied" out when they have been in therapy for much of their young lives. Later on when she is of the mind to decide that she wants to work on an issue that she has identified then it will work.
  12. amelia

    amelia New Member

    I am always surprised at the perception people have that if you are legally blind there is all sorts of help available. The reality is that the help available is minor, and does not address the needs that difficult child has.

    I would be thrilled to be able to access some kind of housing help for her, there is no such thing. I am very well versed in what the commission for the blind in NYS provides. They will attempt to find you a job, though they are not very good at it. The few jobs difficult child has had she got herself through leads from people we know. They do not get involved in housing help at all, nor do they provide any kind of transportation help. They will give you O & M, someone to come and help you figure out the bus routes and practice taking the bus, but if the bus doesn't go where you need to go, oh well.

    They will give you a job coach to help you find a way, through technology and techniques, to keep your job despite the vision loss. difficult child has no problems functioning in her job and figures out that type of thing on her own.

    What is needed is housing help for dysfunctional young adults, to ease them into independence. I have never seen a program like that anywhere. Being legally blind does not give a person access to a program like that anymore than a normally sighted young adult would have access.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    amelia, and daughter,

    I don't know what it's like to be blind, or albino. I DO have every idea what it's like to be persecuted your entire life, not have friends, keep to yourself and suffer from major depression because you are different. I also know that in those differences lays a gift inside us that is so special it was only given to us - because we are that unique and could handle both things - being odd, and being special.

    Some days I'm sure it doesn't seem like it, and we spend more time being angry about our condition than we do appreciating the fact that we are so unique no one could ever handle being us. Maybe it sounds a little narcissistic ......but the people you could relate to? Aren't that far from you, and what I DO know about albinism is that a great many people are born with sight problems, and ARE persecuted.

    I wonder then - if you were around many people - kids your own age, adults - teens, even younger children who were persecuted to DEATH for being albino? Would you - could you relate? Because there is a foundation in Virgina that helps many Albinos in Tanzania - escape death. Some of these people are in fear of having their hands and limbs hacked off for money. Many are trying to get here to the US or at least out of Tanzania where people think they are bad luck - which is ridiculous to the rest of the world -and normal thinking people.

    Peronally? I have no idea what these people must go through on a daily basis. But you do. And I think the fact that you have managed to get through 4 years of college, graduate TOP OF YOUR CLASS, and.....still can function on a daily basis? Is nothing short of phenominal. HOWEVER - it doesn't give you a pass on life - it doesn't give you permission to stay in your room, in the house, and NOT help ANYONE ever for the rest of your life. That's taking the gifts that you were born with? And letting your life go to waste when you (I BELIEVE) could be at this place SHOWING these people WHAT THEY COULD DO - and be a mouthpiece for their entire organization - to the world even. The limits would be up to you.....

    Regardless of what anyone says - I think you ......are beautiful, and can accomplish things no one in this world could - and maybe that's your purpose?

    I've pasted the link here - because I really believe that when super intelligent kids are bored it makes their parents NUTS. YOU HAVE IT within you to do GREAT THINGS Amelias daughter......and I only know () much about you.....


    But you aren't going to do it from your bedroom, behind a computer.......

    Some day I'll tell you about my issues - but for now - lets just get you out and about okay?

    Hugs & Love
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I understand that you have done much research and are exhaused. I have two handicapped children that I adopted although neither is blind. I found that working at a local basis was much more productive than seeking state or federal assistance in obtaining the many services they needed along the way. I also know that the wealth of services does wan as they grow up. That said, I am wondering if maybe there are county services and programs that help a person like your daughter live within a supervised environment and will also help her achieve the independance she needs. My difficult child#2 is BMR and there was a program that was designed to give him work and shelter and social activities with the opportunity for his own apartment if he progressed. This program was offered at our county level. I am not sure if there are similar programs for the legally blind in your area but there are here. Maybe call your local MHMR office and just ask if there are such services. They might be able to direct you to a suitable program.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    With the abuse issues, I'm wondering if there is the possibility your daughter has borderline personality disorder. You might want to do a search and read up on it a bit and see if anything sounds familiar. It's a sort of "I push you away so you can prove how much you love me" type disorder and it can be really tough to live with, as in family / friends of the person. Hard on the person as well because they don't realize that is what they're doing. If often pops up after abusive situations, although other types of trauma can contribute.

    My daughter Nichole was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and borderline.......and whew yeah, that is a combination. She's a family oriented girl who pushed us away on a regular basis. The disorder can cause skewed thinking, such as your daughter graduating with high honors, yet still believing she's stupid. Now if that was my Nichole back before she was stable.....she'd swear they just handed it to her out of pity or something (wouldn't matter really the reason, but in her mind she couldn't possibly have achieved it.) And those 3 disorders seemed to feed off each other. One thing that helped was that we are very close and she felt comfortable talking with me about most things. It helped because I could see just how warped her version of reality was......and as a natural course, I'd counter it with step by step what it really was. She had no choice but to go to treatment. She balked in a huge way, wasn't going to talk blah blah blah. I told her whatever, she'd sit there till eternity then. Her choice.

    Nichole had a lot of anger, most of it misplaced, but that's not uncommon with abuse/trauma. She had a lot of pain to deal with that she had been stuffing for years. medications helped keep her moods somewhat stable. (they're not perfect, they help....they don't "cure") But her real motivation to jump into her treatment program didn't come until after her daughter was born. And even with her cooperation it was a ton of hard work with her psychiatrist and I working hard to untangle the skewed thinking behind her behaviors/moods ect. She has been stable for a few years now.

    I don't know if your daughter could have borderline, but it's a possibility given her background with her father and the bullying by other kids. And the trouble with mental illness is that if you don't have an accurate diagnosis, odds of successful treatment are slim.

    I don't know how I somehow got the impression you were rural instead of in NYC. (talk about off LOL ) But I see your point about transportation being a major issue. And you're right, programs for the disabled adults are nothing like they are for children (not that those are a lot either), what I've found was usually by accident by stumbling across it while looking for something else.

    With Nichole it was really hard watching what she was going through, nor was she by far easy to live with. All I could do was stand firm on treatment and hope eventually some of it would begin to strike a chord with her and slowly chip away her wall. I couldn't force her to cooperate and work with the therapist/psychiatrist. I did make certain she took her medications, but that is another story..... I did do my best to educate her on her disorders, especially the borderline. But in the end it was totally up to her. I had to accept that, hard as it was.

  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I am surprised that the services for the blind are so rare, the Lions Club advertises that they do so much for that cause. I also know that there is an entire state agency for services for the blind so I just assumed but maybe with budget cuts they dont do much.

    However, any type of supported living place for any disabled adult would work for your child. Heck, you may find that you could find ways to make a regular low income or subsidized apartment work for her if you put your thinking cap on. Sometimes we just have to put our thinking caps on if we dont want our kids to end up living with us forever.
  17. amelia

    amelia New Member

    Yes, she was diagnosed as "possible" Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and went through DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), 6 months and $5000 (totally out of pocket) later she was exactly the same, no improvement or progress at all. As for medications, she tried prozac, wellbutrin, paxil, elavil, celexa, cymbalta, and abilify, singly and in combinations. Through this "drug phase" she was hospitalized 7 times and had 1 suicide attempt, while still managing to graduate from HS and start college. She was never hospitalized or had suicide attempts when she was not on medications. She has been medication free since February 2007 and as bad as she is, she is not suicidal or had any hospitalizations.

    I know you are right, Lisa, when you say it has to be up to her. Intellectually, I understand that, buy I keep feeling that maybe I have left some stone unturned the will be the thing that turns her around. I need to find an way to stop, back off, possibly be happy even if she is not. Its so hard, as you all know, to do this. I have had to do it in the past with my step-son, now 36, either homeless or in jail, and that's another story (walk into hell), with no resolution ever in sight.
  18. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have any additional advice to give you, but I wanted to add my support and empathy. Dealing with a difficult child who has both a mental illness and physical disabilities is a challenge, I know. Both of my difficult children were "blessed" with both mental and physical health challenges. It can be an emotional struggle to define the appropriate boundaries between enabling and helping, since health issues complicate things. But, ultimately it has to be up to her, as everyone has said.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You don't think if she was around other people that were like her she could thrive? I don't know if you saw my post or not, but there are a lot of people that have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that function every day out in the real world. I just wonder if anyone has even ever brought it up to her that she isn't the only blind, ablino persecuted person in the world that needs help. (not being mean either) -

    As for her issues and living on her own? I guess my other line of thinking removed from my above post would be - Have you considered then WHAT would happen to her if something happened to you tomorrow? How would she get by? What would she do? Have the two of you even discussed this with some kind of therapist as a mediator? Someday it is going to be a reality -it is for all of us sooner or later. And at 24 - she really needs to start thinking - IF Mom isn't here - where do I go, what do I do.....where will I be, HOW will I survive? It's reality. Better to talk about it now with each other and a mediator (therapist) than for you to be gone (god forbid) and her shoved off somewhere where NOT A SINGLE person can be her voice or eyes.

    Hugs -
  20. amelia

    amelia New Member

    Star, I did read your post about Tanzania. It was about 3 or 4 years ago when we first became aware of what was happening to people with albinism in East Africa. She threw up when she first heard about it, but she wouldn't talk to me about it at all.

    I consider all the time how she will get by without me. That's what prompted the original post. Her response it that she will live on the streets until she dies, because she is too stupid to take care of herself. It totally freaks me out, but she will do nothing to help herself. To live on her own she needs a full time job with benefits and to live in a place with better public transportation. These are certainly achievable goals, but she will have none of it. Any help I try to offer to go in that direction is met with resistance. She says her brain is muddled and she can't think straight and she is incapable of having a full time job. I am almost to the point of taking her to a neurologist just to prove to her she is wrong.

    I want to say that I really appreciate all the responses, all the reactions and suggestions. I appreciate that you guys have taken time out of your busy lives to respond to my problems. I'm glad I found this place. People in my life know what is going on with my difficult child, but they really can't understand how stressful it is and the struggle to stay whole and healthy while your grown child's issues are constantly eating at you. Thank you all for being there and lending your time and expertise to try to help.