difficult child got invited

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus Archives' started by Fran, Nov 28, 2007.

  1. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I posted in the Good Morning thread but thought it would be good to post here.

    Good news, difficult child has been accepted into the community for adults with daughter. He will spend a bit of time in the residence, then move into his own apt. again. The plan is while in the residence he will get situated and hook up with someone to be a roommate. Sharpen up his Activities of Daily Living Skills. I'm pleased for difficult child. It was he who inquired about the program, set up interviews, did the interview and called for follow up. I just did the paper work. husband visited to check it out. difficult child seems excited and nervous. He called his friends(all in Long Island or norther Jersey) If you heard a loud cheer, it was those guys who seem happy to have him back into the fold. They are now driving/train distance from each other. He learned a lot the hard way. He was on his own socially and physically. We were there as a security net but he was alone most of the time. Gave him a great deal of time to reflect what he wanted his future to look like. So today we are again hopeful that he has found a community where he can grow and blossom into a full life.

    So today is full of anticipation and hope. I learned to savor those days.

    The evaluation they faxed me was pretty accurate and honest.
     
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Fran I am so happy for you and your son. It has been a very long haul for your family. I admire your strength and am pleased that your difficult child is happy and as independant as he can be.
    -RM
     
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    That is fantastic!!

    I thought I heard something!
     
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Oh, Fran....that is SOOO good. I hope it all works out for him. He's such a bright kid who has many potentials. I'll never forget listening to him talk about history. It puts me to shame!! :rolleyes:

    It's also really nice to know that he is taking some initiative in his own future. Now, if I could pass that along to my 18 year old easy child, life would be good.

    Abbey
     
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Very good, Fran! What a nice Christmas present for difficult child and your family.
     
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    This is wonderful news for you and difficult child!
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm so happy for difficult child. :smile:
     
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    :bravo: :bravo:

    ~Kathy
     
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    :bravo:

    You should be proud. And he should be proud.

    We celebrate with you!!
     
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    You should be proud too! Can you tell me a little about his history? I wasnt here to understand where you have been in your journey. I just need hope for me.
     
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Fran,

    I saw this in the gm thread and it made my day! I'm so glad to hear he has been accepted and that he did so much of this on his own! You should be one proud warrior mom :dance: It's great he will be near friends!
     
  12. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Wonderful news, Fran! Great to hear it!!

    I work for a local non-profit supporting daughter people. We have 5 group homes and 30 supported apartments. We also do Job Coaching.

    So I know all about ADLs :wink: Some days I wish I had a Case Manager and a Support Worker to help me pay my bills and plan my menu.

    And, if difficult child ever wants to venture north, I could hook him up! :laugh:

    Peace
     
  13. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    That's wonderful Fran. Fantastic.......
     
  14. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    He learned a lot the hard way. He was on his own socially and physically. We were there as a security net but he was alone most of the time. Gave him a great deal of time to reflect what he wanted his future to look like.

    So today is full of anticipation and hope. I learned to savor those days.

    </div></div>

    I am glad you posted here for us too, Fran.

    I love the part where you said being on his own had given your son time to reflect on what he wanted his future to look like.

    What a perfect way to describe the purpose, whatever the end result, of NOT HELPING.

    You are so right, Fran.

    And your comment about savoring the days of anticipation and hope. I don't know. Somehow those words put my own grumpy, resentful feelings lately into a kind of perspective for me.

    "I learned to savor those days."

    That is how I intend to begin looking at things, too.

    And not just where my son is concerned.

    What a beautiful, bittersweet, hopeful post, Fran.

    I am so glad I read it.

    Barbara
     
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    WAHOOOOO!!!! I'm almost bursting with pride! WAHOOO!!!

    :bravo: :princess: :smile:

    Suz
     
  16. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Again, thanks all. It's always a work in progress for us.

    rejected mom, thanks for the kind words. He struggles with those uphill battles to figure out the outside world.

    BBK, it was probably loud enough to hear out your way.

    Thanks Ab, he knows a lot of stuff. He has the brain matter to learn this stuff. Hopefully he will want to get the basics he is weak in.

    Witz, I didn't think of it that way but it is a gift for all of us.

    Thanks for the good thoughts Kathy and Daisy.

    GG,I'm not sure it's pride I feel but relief that he is doing something. That sitting still and doing the same things over and over scares the bejeebers out of me. It's just not enough.

    Wiped out, it is a good thing.

    Ponygirl, thanks for the offer of a hook up. You just never know where he will end up. My sis lives near Wisconsin border in Minn. If you are taking difficult child's, I could arrange a nice visit to your neck of the woods. :smile:

    Thanks Sunny.

    Stands with courage, our story is long and goes over a lifetime of dealing with incredible highs and some incredibly bottom of the barrel lows. difficult child has always been so different that from K on, there was never a question of his need for anything but average education. He has pretty serious attention issues except when he hyperfocuses on things. He has a whole basket of labels. Some accurate, some less accurate but he has a touch of all of them which magnifies the next.
    He has a great deal of difficulty writing, spells 4 letter words and does about 3rd or 4th grade math. He is well read and knows quite a bit of factual information. He learns by immersing himself into a topic until he is sated and moves on to something else. Unfortunately school does work like that yet for the different learner.
    He tied his shoes at 14. His fine motor skills are somewhat clumsy.
    Puberty hit him and us like a tornado. He had emotional reactivity to puberty(so the records say) He was hospitalized at 11 and given quite the evaluation. Given AS, NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD),mood disorder,ADHD, dysgraphia, dyscalcula and started on the medication merry go round.
    He was asked to leave every special needs school(private) in our immediate area. We eventually, at 13 sent him to emotional growth boarding school which helped his downward spiral.

    He came home 2 yrs later and was very calm and together. We started to wean him from medications verrrrrrrryyyyyy slowly. It was great, then school let out and I went out of town. It was enough to trigger him into a hypomanic state that took a long time to stabilize. Stupid mom.

    Fast forward, he graduated via Special Education from high school, learned to drive, did well in the work study program.
    Sent him to a vocational independence program where he had friends for the first time. Got a serious girl friend and decided that he had to free the oppressed. He battle the school administrators, stop taking medications, stopped going to class. Almost self destructed. 3 yrs later, he finished, got a certificate and virtually had the door slammed when he walked out. He was well liked by students and some staff. He was not getting anything out of the program the last 4 months but refused to quit.

    I wouldn't take him home into our house. He gives me a very hard time. His arguments aren't reasonable and I simply wasn't going to live in a war zone, again. He got an apt. tried working, we helped keep him on track. He was lonely despite seeing us almost every day. He missed his friends. They all graduated and went on to other programs. difficult child was still furious that he wasn't included. I was honest. I told him they did not want him and his mouth and attitude was the problem. He was surprised because who couldn't see how right he ALWAYS is. I was pretty blunt. He hasn't had a great year. His apartment was a sty, he was horrid managing money and he wasn't very pleasant. I kept my distance emotionally while making sure he had a safety net. He learned some lessons in independence, perseverance, independence. Every time he whined or complained I asked him what was the plan to change what was wrong. He didn'tlike something. Didn't like my suggestions so what was his plan? Things don't happen automatically. No one is born being good at a job. What was his plan to start and eventually be good at something that gave him pride.

    He came up with this idea and we let him run with it.
    This is a condensed version of difficult child's life. The future isn't written and he isn't done cooking so we keep hoping he will make emotional and developmental leaps forward.

    Barb, I wish I could agree that I didn't help. He couldn't make it on his own. I disengaged emotionally and I didn't let his attitude and mood contaminate my whole life. He got a piece of me but not the whole pie. When he wasn't likeable he went home at my request or his own. I constantly cued him in terms of self reflection. He wasn't happy? What was he going to do about it?
    Life wasn't fair? What was he going to do about it? People treated him like he was stupid? Prove them wrong.
    We had a lot of conversations about him identifying a problem and setting a goal and putting a plan together to correct the problem. I felt I distanced myself in an age appropriate way for a young man who was still a boy on many levels.

    I can't sever all ties. He isn't doing anything illegal and he is not equipped to be on his own 100%. I'm not talking just immature but developmentally delayed. If he tries to improve his situation and is happy with the life he has we will support that part but if he wants to buy things, have a girlfriend, wife, kids then he must make a plan. Independence is not free.

    I can't paint a rosy picture that everything is going smoothly. I have thought that in the past and been dashed. He tries. He makes progress. He slips back into negative attitudes. I am honest, direct and matter of fact with him. Down to him telling me I like the dogs better than him. I said I did some days. He is always amazed that everyone doesn't see how wonderful he is. LOL. Somewhat grandiose in his thinking or good self image from years of being acknowledged for the good stuff. I remind him, myself and my husband that we all love each other and we are working for him even if we make mistakes. We are learning as much as he is. He is kind which saves him many times. He just hasn't mastered fundamentals of living and a more mature set of social skills.

    If I had to do over, I would have started mood stabilizers earlier. I would have kept the egbs going and then into a trasitional program. It probably wouldn't have altered the outcome but those are the only two things I think I would have done differently. I just didn't want to do harm and I wanted to give him a chance to have as full a life as he wants.
    He has always been a piece of work.

    Barb, sorry about being grumpy. Some days I am too. I keep thinking it's the marathon and if they are 30 yr old responsible, independent, happy young men then I will have done my job. I also am aware that some of our kids don't ever get to that goal and are a mother's heartbreak for the rest of their lives. My difficult child straddles the fence. It's not his fault. He was dealt a crappy genetic hand. His attitude and work ethic is something he has to take ownership of and use to overcome the obstacles.

    We will see if he makes it to the next level.

    Hope this explains a bit Susan.
     
  17. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body">


    His arguments aren't reasonable and I simply wasn't going to live in a war zone, again.

    Every time he whined or complained I asked him what was the plan to change what was wrong.?

    I disengaged emotionally and I didn't let his attitude and mood contaminate my whole life.

    He got a piece of me but not the whole pie.

    I remind him, myself and my husband that we all love each other and we are working for him even if we make mistakes.

    We are learning as much as he is.

    His attitude and work ethic is something he has to take ownership of and use to overcome the obstacles.

    We will see if he makes it to the next level.

    </div></div>


    Those are very good things for all of us to remember, Fran.

    Not just for our kids, but for ourselves.

    Simple, clear cut statements about how we may choose to define the events of our lives.

    It's easy for me to forget how to nurture myself into strength ~ easy for me to slip into blaming or whining about everything I don't have or didn't get.

    Allowing those attitudes, or neglecting to identify and root them out, doesn't make us stronger, it weakens us.

    You know what they say ~ we seldom have the option of choice regarding the challenges each of us will face in his or her life.

    But, if we can find a place to stand up from, we can claim total responsibility for the nature of our responses.

    I intend to begin again to remind myself and my family, as you have, that we love one another, and that we are learning how to do this.

    That is very freeing, Fran. I think negativity for me begins there ~ looking at the outcome and allowing hopelessness to become what I see.

    Or worse yet, allowing myself to blame my son for my unhappiness.

    Because that is what I AM allowing, when I slip into that stuff.

    I suppose it feels better to lay back and allow that blaming and negativity than to take responsibility for my emotional state into my own hands.

    Yep.

    I am very glad you posted this here in PE too.

    :smile:

    Barbara
     
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME NEWS!!!! I will be keeping all of my body parts crossed that he gets into this program.

    I think the fact that he did it all himself shows just how much he wants this.
     
  19. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Good for your difficult child Fran that he has a glimmer of what he wants and is heading his own self in that direction.

    Marcie
     
  20. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Barb, you are such a giving, loving person. I hope you see that a difficult child who isn't quite getting it isn't all that you are about.

    A mother is always sad for a wayward child(think Prodigal son)We constantly hope that something will bring him back from the brink.
    On the other hand, I think looking at a husband who I love and he loves me, a easy child son who still needs healthy parenting, siblings who I love and are part of my life, friends who I giggle with and get out of my mom/wife mode with once in a while, I can't let my sadness regarding difficult child contaminate my whole life. difficult child is part of the family and if I'm miserable I am more of a detriment than difficult child to the very glue. The mother is the spindle which all the family spins around.


    Your son has made your heart heavy. I don't think that goes away. However, you have so much that is wonderful that it is ok to love that part of your life. You aren't betraying your grief by seeing joy, hope and love in other parts of your life.

    Hugs, Barb. I know you have struggled with how to rearrange the puzzle pieces after your son left you shattered. Keep looking for reasons to be joyful. Sometimes I act more optimistic than I feel. Pretty soon I am optimistic. Look for reasons to feel gratitude for things in your life.


    Thanks everyone. I feel so glad to share something positive for a daughter adult like my son.
     
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