difficult child is at crisis -long

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Aug 7, 2008.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    for the night. Today was the day difficult child was home due to punching another child at camp yesterday (you probably saw the post).

    We had him doing quite a few chores today and he seemed fine with it. Then we had some errands to run after which we had been wanting to stop at the library.

    It is not one of difficult child's favorite places to be but he was interested in finding a book about building paper airplanes (we figured by this time it was after 3 and would have been the time he was almost done with camp). We looked on the computer, went to find the book and it wasn't there. I could tell he was very upset and told him that we would go ask the librarian to help us.

    He didn't like that idea and swore at me. Our plan right now when he is swearing is to tell him how much it drains us and that he has to do a chored to help make up for it. That got him upset and he hit me with his hat (which didn't hurt but right now that is enough to get him a stop the world).

    When I told him that he tried to joke his way out of it saying he was just testing me. I told him there was no testing and it was stop the world. Then he hit me (again not hard) two more times. From the crisis plan we have in place that is enough for crisis respite.

    I went up to tell husband and difficult child came (swearing) with me. husband tried to calm him down and tell him we would double check the plan but he couldn't get the words out because difficult child started coming at me, kicking.

    husband then told him it meant crisis respite for certain. This really set him off and he kept trying to kick me and I told him if he didn't stop we would be calling the police.

    He then sat at the entrance of the library refusing to come with us, then told us he was running away and walked about a quarter of a block before returning. He eventually calmed down and asked not to go but we have to follow through on this.

    There ended up being a couple of hour delay before it could be arranged. By this time he was very calm and resigned to the fact he had to go. We will pick him up tomorrow morning as long as he is following the respite provider's rules and he will try camp tomorrow.

    It was very hard to send him tonight and I'm feeling guilty wondering if I could have handled it a different way and yet knowing he needed to go.

    I just wish there was an easier way-sigh. Thanks for reading this far.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It is SO hard when they escalate so rapidly (almost typed rabidly, and I'm sure it felt similar)!

    I think you are right in following through and I really don't know if you could have handled it differently. If he didn't like the idea of asking the librarian, would asking for his input have helped (sort of the CPS approach)? Or was he already on a slippery slope by then?

    I'm learning to recognize when my difficult child 2 is in a spiral and to back off before I end up igniting him into an explosion, but then I'm not facing physical violence like you have been -- that's another reason I think you really have to follow-through on the plan you have in place. Have you had to Stop The World very often with him yet? I imagine it will take several exercises in this before he "gets" it.

    I wish it weren't so hard for you, too. Hope you can get some rest tonight and that tomorrow is a new day of possibilities for everyone.
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Oh, I am so sorry you had such a rough day. :( Don't feel guilty, you did what you had to. I know it stinks!!! He has to know that his behavior is unacceptable, you needed to follow through or he'll never learn. Besides, you ultimately make these hard choices for his benefit because you love him. Today was a warrior mom day for you!!!

    Take this time to rest and recoup for tomorrow. Take a nice long bath and enjoy the respite. :)

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Another one here thinking you should not feel guilty. This won't hurt him and even if you and he learn better ways to de-escalate things in the future, this will let him know that you mean business when you say stop the world- and he shouldn't test it.

    So, to ask a thought from you- have you had a lot of luck with a therapist helping you learn more ways to de-escalate a situation? I'm asking because this is a major objective from counseling for me (us), and I haven't found it yet.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    You did the right thing. Stop the World will not work if all the steps are not taken when the criteria is met. It is just a short overnight one if he stays calm and follows the instructions. This visit is very important for him and you to know that Stop the World WILL be put into place even for what he thinks is a small incident.

    If you had let this go, the next time would be harder for him.

    Sounds like he was tired from a long day and when our kids are tired, it is easier to melt down. He was probably looking at the book as a reward for the day's work and when it wasn't available just couldn't handle it. Couldn't think that you can do another step to find it. He just didn't want to face one more step to get this book.

    Since he calmed down and was willing to go when the time came, maybe that is indeed a good sign that he is thinking about what happened.

    I hope camp goes well tomorrow.

    Hang in there - rest tonight.
  6. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I know it's hard...but this is why you have the plan in place. Don't feel guilty....I actually think that although it is a hard way to end a difficult day, he will really understand that you mean business...no hitting means no hitting....He knows that you are serious when you mean violence will not be tolerated.

    I hope he contains himself in respite and it able to enjoy tomorrow at camp. Sending hugs...
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I think you did the right thing. As far as doing something differently, other people (teachers, camp counselors, peers) are not going to stop to try something to keep him from escalating over "let's ask the librarian for help." I don't think there is another way to approach that other than what you did.

    (((hugs))) for your hurting and weary heart.
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I don't think you could have done anything differently. He went down too fast.

    This crisis plan was put into place for two reasons, I think. To keep you safe and to teach him that resorting to violence stops his world.

    Hopefully he will be learning alternatives.

    Of course it hurts. You love this boy. He was remorseful and sad, most of our children are once they have calmed down and/or are faced with consequence reality.

    I hope tonight goes well and that he is able to enjoy camp tomorrow. What's on tap for the weekend?

    Take care Sharon,
    lots of hugs.

  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, he will never doubt your intentions again. I think this time he will get that you mean business.

    HUGS! I am sure it was a horrible day.
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    You did the right thing, enjoy your night. He made his choice, and now the consequences follow. Good job.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    The alternative is to continue to let this child beat up on you forever. He has to stop this physical aggression. I would feel guilty for a lot of things but to stop physical aggression isn't one of them. If you can stop this behavior then the sadness and pain you feel is worth it. Parenting a difficult child is not for whimps.
    You go girl. You are on the right trail.
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I like how you handled that. I am so sorry that you had to.
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm very sorry.:sad-very:
    I agree...this plan was put into place for a multitude of good reasons. You did the right thing. You are teaching him logical consequences...teaching him that violence gets a person no where...and keeping yourself safe.

    Outings with difficult children are very tough. Sometimes we can try to minimize the stress and this is helpful. Sometimes, even that doesn't make the difference. So, there is no sense second guessing, pointing fingers, etc. Just try your best and move forward. Could anyone have done a better job? No!

    I think it is a good sign that he was calm when it was time for him to go. I hope that gave you some comfort. Hopefully, he will feel stable this evening and be moving forward by morning.

    I hope you feel better soon. I know my own therapist suggests I take little difficult child rest periods after each one of these periods of deep stress.
    Sometimes, after real whoppers, I need a full day to veg out in an effort to get myself back into focus. Years ago, it took longer to shake the pain off...it's hard to explain. Perhaps I am detaching....easier with- older difficult children in the picture.

    Sending out lots of hugs.
    Lasted edited by : Aug 7, 2008
  15. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I am very impressed at your crisis plan, I do not know if I could be level headed enough to follow on through like that
  16. Rannveig

    Rannveig Member

    I just want to say I think you did a fabulous job! My own experience is that being consistent about consequences -- and also with husband -- is the hardest part of parenting. That you and your husband were totally in sync is incredibly impressive to me, and that you did the right thing in these circumstances goes without saying. While your signature clarifies why your child might be violent, such behavior is de facto intolerable by any stretch of the imagination.

    Please know that at least one complete stranger out here in cyberspace thinks you are awesome...as well as hopes that things get better for your family very soon.

  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you.
    I think that you need to follow through with-consequences.
    Stay strong.
  18. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    You did good! I've learned that if you don't follow through with a known (by difficult child) crisis plan, difficult child will never take it seriously.

    Even when wm would calm down, he would still have to face the consequences of his physical/emotional abuses. He never quite understood that ~ he was calm & in control of himself.

    Feeling guilty is just what mom's do best. We always are second guessing ourselves & feeling guilty. I swear it's in our DNA. :capitulate:

    I hope today goes better. Hope you get out to the pool today.
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you everyone! Your support means more than you know. I know we did the right thing but sometimes it sure is hard and your support really helps. He spirals so fast and his triggers change so we have a hard time knowing when he is escalating at times. Sometimes it's a no brainer and other times it comes out of nowhere. husband and I did talk last night about how disappointment for difficult child is a huge trigger. When he is expecting something to happen (like finding the book) and it doesn't he boils over very quickly and there is little time to descalate.

    The crisis night went fine. It was the first time with the respite person (different from the guy in July-he can't do it anymore due to a problem with one of his kids and I'm glad because for some reason the guy rubbed me the wrong way). difficult child even wants to go back but for a fun respite not a crisis one. I was a little surprised when he told me he got his favorite breakfast-eggs and potatoes. I'm hoping he didn't enjoy it too much-Know what I mean?? I don't think he did though because of his comment about wanting to go back for fun respite. He even gave the lady a hug when he left.

    I'm hoping he has a good day at camp and we have a low key weekend planned so hopefully that goes well too.

    Ranny-nice to meet you!
  20. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sorry, I am late to respond, but I wanted to add one more version of YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Follow through is the key to any plan and it might help him to remember that the next time he escalaltes.