difficult child moves out! Will it last?!

[So Tired]

We had returned from a week at our family cottage to find that difficult child had been staying most nights with one of his friends (I'll call him "J") After not hearing from difficult child for a couple of days, he stops by in the morning to get his work uniform. He asks if it's o.k. if he goes to live with J and his family, if we would still be willing to help him pay for college. I tell him I would have to talk to husband, but that we have always planned on helping him pay for college if he maintains grades of a C or better, so I don't think it's a problem. I ask if J's parents are O.K. with this plan. He say's J's mom was just concerned that I wouldn't want him to move out -- I raise my eyebrow and even difficult child smiles at the irony of this! I ask if he has to pay rent. He says no, they just want him to do chores around the house. HELLO! Isn't this the same deal we have been offering him that is just way too demanding!!? I ask why he wants to live there instead and he responds that maybe if we are not together all the time, we can have nice, normal conversations like the one we are having now.....

Now, I have no idea why J's parents would want him there - J is a high school senior and they also have a younger child - but they seem to be O.K. with it. They have a very beautiful big house and difficult child would have his own bedroom -- hey, do you think they may want to chip in for the college thing? Just a thought...

Anyways, husband says it probably won't last and difficult child will want to come home soon, but he has been gone for about two weeks now and I can't tell you how nice it is to lock the deadbolts at night and not have to worry about when or if he is coming home or when or if he is going to work. To have a household where there is no drama and everyone justs does the things they are supposed to be doing. Being difficult child free is like taking an afternoon nap -- you feel a little guilty about it, but it feels so wonderful! It may not last, but I plan to enjoy it while it does!

 

[trinityroyal]

No need for the guilt, just enjoy the peace and quiet.
Trinity

 

[DDD]

Ditto. DDD

 

[KTMom91]

In the last 17 years, I have never had a peaceful home...until Miss KT moved out in May. Enjoy it, for however long it lasts!

 

[bran155]

I love the afternoon nap analogy, so dead on. Try to get past the guilt, you deserve the nap!!

 

[standswithcourage]

It is amazing how life seems to come back. Normal life doesnt happen when they are here - that is sad in a way - i want to enjoy my son also as a young man that is funny, cute and loves life - iinstead i have to go through drug abuse, alcohol, marijuana and meaningless stuff - i am stressed - i cant sleep when he is here - i can barely sleep when i know he is out with other druggies doing whatever - but i get up at night to make sure the stove is off and the doors are not left open and sometimes just tomake sure he is still breathing - i cant live like this -

 

[janebrain]

Susan,
I think you are addicted to the drama of life with your difficult child--not only can you "live like this" you choose it freely.
Jane

 

[katya02]

I also felt guilty at first when difficult child went to college last fall and things were immediately quiet and peaceful, but I dumped the guilt fast. Good thing too ...

Now things are most tense when difficult child and both his brothers are home. But I'm reading codependency books and have joined the family education group connected with our local outpatient rehab program, and I'm working at putting new behaviors in place.

 

[grace1]

Wow! I just decided to try this blog "thing" because I am at a loss of how to help my son. Your thread was the first I went to. I could so relate to what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. My 18 year old is all of a sudden thinking he has the right to come in at all hours and pretty much do what he wants to. I've talked to him, at some length, about boundaries and respect I need for him to continue living at home. Quite honestly, I am so disappointed in his behavior lately that I've allowed myself to fall into a deep depression.

 

[grace1]

Yes! I'm reading the Codependent books... find it hard to enact some of the ideas of "tough love" though.

 

[Nancy]

That sounds wonderful. I can hardly wait to see what this feels like myself someday soon. Hope it lasts, you deserve the peace.

Nancy

 

[Matty's Mummy]

Oh how lovely for you, yes enjoy while it lasts.
I don’t know about your situation, but each time my son fiends a new home, I get the same story ‘they all feel like they are saving him:” they have the same plan, help him to get his learners for driving a folder for his personal things like birth certificate….
I just nod and say ‘oh that is lovely” I don’t bother with yes we have tried those things each time he returns home and each new family has too. Cause really you never know this might finally be the family that gets through to him.

 

[So Tired]

Hi All! Thanks for the support! 3 Weeks tomorrow! Yippee! I am boxing up the stuff from his room so I can strip it for a "redo" for miss easy child (It's the larger bedroom with a bigger closet)

I feel like it's the first time in about 2 years that I could really breathe!

Matt's Mummy -- that is how I feel too. difficult child said friend's mom wants me to call her (I have never met her) I honestly don't know what I would say. Umm, hope you have better luck with him than I did?....the way I see it, either I would just go on about difficult child's past (bad for him) or she would be all sympathetic for difficult child and I would just be on the defensive. I honestly just don't really want to be any part of whatever arrangement they have worked out.

He occationaly will text me and I will respond and be sympathetic, but I don't even get into asking when he works, what he's up to etc. I can't tell you how nice it is to have a break from all the difficult child drama!

Thanks all, for you kind words and advice to let go of the guilt.