difficult child Out of Control

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JLady, Mar 15, 2009.

  1. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    My difficult child is out of control today! He was playing a video game and his brother (easy child age 15) took the contoller from him and stared playing. It has been a rollercoaster ever since. I made easy child give the controller back and they started playing together. Then difficult child lost a game and lost control. They decided to play something else. difficult child was still throwing fits.

    I told him to calm down. I stopped him, hugged him and tried to calm him down. He was totally fighting me. I told them to turn the game off and difficult child told me he hates me and his brother and he wants to kill us. He is still screaming and throwing fits. I came in my room and shut the door. I'm in tears. I don't know what to do. I know spanking doesn't work.

    Please help me.

  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. Sometimes with my difficult child he just cannot play competitive games. If he gets that way with others I will send him outside to do something physical, and if that is not possible then I send him to his room until he can be nice. Not sure if these will help with your difficult child or not, but I know with mine that he has to be removed from the situation or it just escalates more.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Would it help if the 15 year old would apologize for taking the controller the first time? A 7 year old would feel very victimized by someone 8 years older showing force and taking things. If your 15 year old can explain to the 7 year old why he should not have done so and that he is sorry to have cause so much frustration maybe it will help to calm the situation?

    Big brothers can work miracles if done right.
  4. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Big brother has a friend over that won't be leaving for a couple of more hours. difficult child is ok one minute and out of control the next. I understand this is normal when older siblings have company but difficult child really can't handle it. He is crying a lot now. I think I'm going to try to get him to take a nap with me. It would certainly help me!
  5. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I do not like video games. Ones hooked up to the television that must be shared are even worse. We had a Playstation II and it's been dissassembled and Freecycled off to someone. I will *NEVER* have another video game console hooked up to a television in this house - ever.

    The boys have handhelds (they had Nintendo DS's, and "upgraded" to PSP's), but they are kept in my room (which has a deadbolt) and given to them when *I* want them to have them. Additionally, I like the fact that if they are becoming aggressive or frustrated, I can simply walk up and snatch it out of their hand and lock it back up.

    Unfortunately, it seems to me video games are a catch 22. They're GREAT for keeping a high strung, ADHD kid quiet. That is, until they lose, don't beat the board, can't win the prize, whatever.....it's far more headache than what it's worth.

    Re: your situation, easy child should have rightfully apologized to difficult child for just snatching the controller. Here - we have had that issue with B (the oldest) and I've completely removed his privelage for the day (and apology is a must).

    Sorry you're so upset. I'm sure difficult child doesn't mean what he's saying. He's Aspie - it's all black and white. ((HUGS))
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sounds like it's mom & me time for difficult child. Cookie baking, reading together, taking a walk or bike ride, trip to McDonald's for a shake.

    Something to redirect difficult child from his obsession with PCs visitor. Hard to do I know, draining I know. But well worth it in the end for all of you.
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Asperger's kids can get stuck in a thought pattern and need to be redirected. In this case it is going to be hard because it has to be something that is even better than playing video games with big brother and guest. Timerlady's ideas ring a good note with me. -RM
  8. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Taking difficult child out for a shake would have been good for both of us! Filing that one away for next time (there will be a next time won't there?). We did watch a movie and we both fell asleep. He didn't want to watch the movie but quickly went to sleep once he settled down. I slept too. He is doing fine right now. Guest is gone and brother is being a good big brother for the moment. I have school study group on line tonight so I hope they continue.

    For some reason today really Zapped me. Thank you for all the suggestions. I guess at least now I can understand why he reacts the way he does.

    I think AS stinks and I wish I still hadn't ever heard of it!
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Whew! I'm glad it calmed down.
    When my difficult child was that age, it was so hard to calm him down, we had to completely stop competetive games, and take away the controllers.
    We had no computer games or anything for a few yrs.
    We only had a PS2 now because one of difficult child's friends gave him his old one as a birthday gift. Sigh.
    Age and maturity do help. Our difficult child has come a long way. The medications help, too.
    I know what you mean but feeling zapped!
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry for your long day. I'm glad he eventually fell asleep. We haven't had much trouble with difficult child and the Wii, maybe a bit when we first got it. When our difficult child was about 7 or 8 I remember we had bought him a Game Boy It was great at first. One time he got really angry at us and threw it-of course-it broke. He eventually earned another one and has been much more careful with it.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I personally wouldn't let a child who tends to throw fits play videogames very often and certainly not with somebody else. I see it as a lose/lose situation. If the child is Aspergers, I hope he is getting interventions or he may always be like this--unyielding if thing don't go his way and unable to socialize normally, and not just with his big brother. If vyanese is a stimulant, maybe he is getting moodswings from the medication too. That did rotten things to my difficult child and to me. If the child is misdiagnosed and doesn't have ADHD or if the child also has a mood disorder (or something is on the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum) often stimulants make kids worse rather than better. I know I can't take any. They take me on a ride to the moon then drop me on my head ;)
  12. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Unfortunately, we have ADHD AND Mood Disorder AND Aspergers. Throw it all in the pot! The vyvanse does wonders with the ADHD. We are taking Rispidal for the Mood disorder and AS. I'm not sure that's the right thing for him though. We are still trying to find the right combination. We go back to the psychiatrist next Friday.

    I'm not sure if there is a lot of medications to help with it all. We definately need intervention. I just wish I knew what to do and what to try. I've jsut started a book called "Asperger Syndrome & Difficult Moments". Practical solutions for tantrums, rage and meltdowns. Hopefully there will be some good ideas in there. I'm also looking forward to the parent support group the first Thursday in April.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I get you about wishing you'd neverheard about Asperger's - the only trouble with that, is you would still be in the dark as to why he behaves this way, because the label didn't change him, it only changed your understanding. I hope it helped, not hindered.

    The age gap is a problem, at this age. As they get older it will be less of an issue. I have 10 years between difficult child 1 & difficult child 2, I remember difficult child 1 used to be sad because he couldn't get on with difficult child 3 the way easy child did. difficult child 3 was only interested in difficult child 1 sometimes, when it was play time and they were tickling or wrestling. Other than tat, he didn't like to be around him. But easy child - she was favourite.

    Of course now, difficult child 1 is Superman in difficult child 3's eyes.

    A lot of problems came about because difficult child 1 was so much better at computer games than difficult child 3, purely because of age. So I had to ban certain games from difficult child 3, at least to not play them against difficult child 1
    But games which allowed different skill levels for the two players were more aceptable. Then difficult child 3 rapidly caught up to difficult child 1 in skill level, and a lot of the problems stopped.

    For someone with Asperger's, it's VERY important that everything be fair. They really HATE injustice in any form. Always losing, or losing by fluke when you really have worked hard at it and thought you were winning, will set off a tantrum in a kid who hasn't got the social maturity to handle it.

    There ARE some good games they can play together. Games like Mario Party, which are heavily based on chance and have different skill levels, are good for a group to play together. Also, he and his brother could each play Or at least barrack for) two characters which increases the chance that at least one of them will be doing OK. It's also important for both boys to show respect to one another, which means asking before assuming, never just grabbing (although the impulse control stuff is always a huge issue). And they will get it wrong, and there will be rages. Sometimes the best thing you can do, instead of try to hold him, is to walk away, everybody, until he can calm himself down. THEN maybe talk about it. But observe him, see what has triggered him and what helps him calm down.

    Watching a movie together was good - you changed the activity. His intial resistance would have been to the change, because in his head he wanted to turn back the clock to where he was in the game and winning. But life isn't like that. he just needed to wait for his head to catch up to circumstances.

    I'm glad it eventually sorted out and quieted down.