difficult child Reappears

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Jan 28, 2015.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    A little somber tonight as difficult child has reappeared (after a 3-month absence). Disheveled, distressed, dejected, doped. Not much to say to each other. A little hard on our hearts. He's lost everything again (material possessions, ID, etc). All these years of off-and-on meth use (more on than off).........wondering how long his teeth, his brain or his heart will last. He has a place to sleep for now (not at our place -- someone else he knows -- we have boundaries). We know this drill (just did it last Sept, matter of fact). Gave him the same Drug & Alcohol Helpline I gave him before. Will see if he uses it. It's his move.

    I am aware of the toll difficult child can take. I am aware that it can bring me down temporarily. I am also aware that I have the power to not stay there ad infinitum. He has the power over his life, and I have the power over mine.

    I choose boundaries + love. I have concluded that when our difficult child's choose anger or self-defeating behaviors, we must be careful not to sink too far into their negative energy ourselves.........lest we, ourselves, become that negative energy we profess to dislike so much.

    So, tonight, I lay down with a heavy heart. I'm human and, hey, I'm a mom. But tomorrow I choose to awaken with gratitude that my heart still beats (so many do not have that luxury) and that I have the power and Free Will to choose to appreciate all of the terrific friends and family I have in my life.

    Reminding myself of this and choosing the more positive path of Light amid Dark. Ultimately, I wish to be the Light, not the Dark. Now is the ideal time to practice that.

    [​IMG]
     
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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is so much easier when it is not in our faces. I think that they want us to see how much they are suffering. It is almost like they are saying, " This is your fault. If you had only loved me the way I needed to be loved, I would not have turned out like this."
     
  3. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    Hang in there Headlights, today is that new day. You will have much to be thankful for... including your son. Your heavy heart is understandable, but you won't be beaten by it. Hugs
     
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  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is lifesaving.

    So much of this has to do with how we perceive our roles in their lives.

    And the rest of it has to do with how we both perceive their roles in their own lives.

    Meth always scared me the worst of any of it. I would make difficult child son let me see his teeth whenever we saw him after a long absence.

    He would show me, too.

    Those were hard times.

    He survived it Headlights. We are all doing better, now.

    Prayers going up for your son, and for you, too.

    Cedar
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you. My heart goes out to you.
    Amazing these kids survive this stuff. But let's hope that he's learning that he doesn't like that life.
    I have a niece who went through meth treatment 4X. My sister paid for all the dental work so her teeth are beautiful. :)
    My sister and b-I-l went through all of the college funds and took a big hit on taxes, as well as their retirement to pay for treatments.
    Now they'll be working until they're 90. But they are happy to
     
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just sending strengthening vibes your way. <3
     
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  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sorry, difficult child just walked in! Wasn't expecting that. He doesn't feel well.

    Anyway, there are ways to come through the other side of meth. I'm holding out hope for you. {{{hugs}}}
    In the meantime, you are very strong, and I'm sending you more strength. I'm glad we can be here for one another.
     
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  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How are you doing this morning HLM?

    The powerlessness and lack of any control whatsoever in being able to help them is so daunting. You have a good handle on it, you know how to shift out of the darkness and turn your face and heart to the light. Sometimes it takes a little time to make that shift, I know.

    We are surrounding you, circling our wagons around you now, as we do here when one of us is just a little too much in the dark...........know that we are all rootin' for you...............let us know how you're doing..........
     
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  9. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your very kind words. I do awaken this morning feeling more refreshed. Our difficult child's current status is not a fun thing. However, I do have the choice of how to respond -- for me. Serendipitously, had a 2-hr phone chat with a decades-long dear friend (I've had viral laryngitis for over a week and just got my voice back yesterday.........we had some catching up to do!). Anyway, when my energy waffles, I seek to re-center. Sometimes I can do that in prayer/meditation. Other times I greatly value enlightened friends who share their flashlight when I'm in a seemingly dark tunnel.

    My friend spoke of this and then emailed me this link about energy. I loved it! Although I've had inklings of this, I hadn't put the same words and images to it as this person has. I love a new idea! This link is 30-min long.........but I was riveted. Perhaps you will be, too, as it addresses us all in one moment or another....



    And as I pondered what my role in difficult child's current scenario could be (having exhausted all of the standard options I am aware of already), I come away with this......... Sometimes, in the Dark, sometimes the best (and only) thing we can do is to be the Light....maybe even turn up the intensity of that Light. This helps me, difficult child, and all around me. So, today I am seeking to be a Bright Light. Thank you all for sharing your Lights with me!
     
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  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you HLM. I watched the whole video. I am a subscriber to that system of beliefs and practice it. For me, it works.

    And, I don't believe you are seeking to be a Bright Light today, you are a Bright Light ALL THE TIME. But, we're human, we trip. The beauty of YOU, is that you get right back up and remember your own bright light very quickly. You are always an inspiration. I hope you have a spectacular day..........HUGS to you........
     
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  11. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    RE -- You just made my day! THANK YOU! And virtual hugs right backatchya across the miles!
     
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    HM, you have the most amazing attitude.

    My heart breaks for you, it is so hard to watch that happen to our children.

    Prayers for your son and (((HUGS))) for you.
     
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  13. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Tanya -- Thanks so much for your kind words. My attitude is a work in progress. I'm working on it! :) Always something new to learn. It is, indeed, difficult to watch our kids flap about aimlessly in dire distress and circumstances. But.....it is what it is.

    by the way, I am realizing something now. I just read a terrific thread started by Carri and replied to by so many with wisdom. It was about jail.......to visit or not to visit. We've been mulling that. In 2014, our difficult child was in jail last May (for a month), then again Christmas week (released early for what reason I have no clue). He has another scheduled court date next May, wherein he is supposed to have completed several tasks for his probation period. He has completed very little of it. If he manages not to be arrested (or hospitalized) before May, he will most likely go to jail for some time.

    husband and I spent some time discussing this last night (as we also discussed it back in May and, again, on Christmas Day). I have yet to feel an urge to visit him in jail during these short periods he's in. If he winds up in jail for a year, well.........it will be interesting to see what we opt for. It does make me sad. But, as husband and I concluded last night, in some ways jail might be the best place for him for a while. I know it's a dangerous place for some (and he would be one of those, probably), but his regular meth use and gang involvement is just as dangerous if not moreso. Hospitals and jails just keep releasing him. I do fear for his life.

    However, I cannot dwell on it ad infinitum. I'm not always sure how long he'll live. We are not fighting. We haven't "fought" for many months now. I give him credit because we both agreed (out loud, so there was no confusion) to not fight. He still amps up, but, honestly, when he does I just leave the room (or the table or the wherever-we-are). We have had to set strong boundaries.

    Right now, tonight, I feel that if he were in the hospital, I'd go in a heartbeat. But if he were in jail, I'd probably wait weeks -- until after the trial. Which reminds me.......... I should go check when his scheduled court date is and mark it on my calendar.

    Other than that.......I should just "detach" as best I can. The best (and ONLY) way I can usually do that is to live with joyful intention and to pay close attention to all else I have to be thankful for and to acknowledge that out loud.

    Tonight, my gratitude is for husband........life is always better when my hand is in his!

    Thanks for listening....
     
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  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are a very dear soul HLM, you have a way of speaking about this horrific landscape we inhabit in ways that make it appear more neutral, doable, rich in it's textures and turns and bumps and ditches.........seeing that the walk through is an integral part of the journey of life......something to recognize and deal with and then to get back to the job of living life, the rest of it........that this difficult child world is not the totality of our lives.........but a portion...........and one in which we can allow to be in the hands of the person orchestrating their own life.

    It's good to talk to your husband, having an ally on this path is an important feature, someone to mull over the next strange choice with. I'm happy you have each other.

    Reading along I was struck with my own journey through this odd maze and how my recent practice of letting go of the past and leaving the future out there and staying as much as I can right here in the present moment, keeps these kinds of events, like what is going on with your son right now, in a different perspective, it doesn't hit me with the force it used to........it seems that is true for you as well. Is it? I can hold on to that neutrality and remember that, "this too shall pass." It really reduces the suffering.

    HLM, this too shall pass. Some moments are tough, thankfully we can move beyond them and recall the lightness of being...........hang in there.......we're here, we get it. HLM, as they used to say in NY, "take it light."
     
  15. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Headlights,

    I'm reading along, sorry you have to deal with this and hoping for good things for your difficult child. Good outcomes happen more often than we think they will when we are in the depths of the hellaciousness (sp?) of this journey. Your take on this seems strong, but we know the pain of it.


    Hugs. You know we understand and wish we could fix it. In the meantime.....we are here for you.
     
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  16. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    RE -- You asked if it was easier for me holding onto "neutrality". Well, I wouldn't word it as "neutrality", per se, for me. Although there are elements of it that are neutral and detached, I kind of think of it more as living in The Big Picture. I view The Big Picture as benevolent, not neutral. Could be wrong about that, but, hey, feels more benevolent to me so I'm goin' with that! :)

    So, to answer your question..........does it feel easier now (living in The Big Picture -- that which is beyond self) than it used to? OH MY YES! Oh, sure, I still feel hurt. I still worry. But when I let go and trust The Big Picture (call that God, Higher Power, Universe, etc), I can see a reason for so much of it.

    Our son is in our lives not just for us to teach him, but for him to teach us. And, whatever crazy road it takes (and as you all know it takes CRAZY roads with our difficult child's sometimes), I know in my heart that we were meant to be his parents and he was meant to be our son. And, in The Big Picture, that makes all the sense in the world to me.

    MUCH EASIER. Thank you, RE, for giving me a question with reason to pause, ponder and remember. We each get to choose our sense of meaning. I choose this.......... The Big Benevolent Picture. It's good to see the forest, rather than just the trees.

    With all the chaos in the world, life still thrives and continues.
     
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  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I like your Big Benevolent Picture a whole lot HLM, I think I will adopt that..........it reminds me of the 'Unified Field of Love.'

    I understand what you are saying about the crazy road yet the deep sense of it was meant to be. I feel that with my daughter now....... she brought me to the hardest and most profound learning of my life.........acceptance. It goes beyond my relationship with her and extends out to the ability to let go of the way I thought it all should be and recognize that in the acceptance of what is.....every. single. thing. changes in miraculous ways.

    I am grateful that you are here to remind me of that Big Benevolent Picture HLM, thank you!
     
  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    To visit or not to visit, that is the question.....
    In the early years when my son was in juvenile jail we visited regularly, as time went on and he went to adult jail my visits were less frequent. When husband and I moved from CO to the Midwest difficult child was in jail doing 2 years. It felt strange to leave him even though we didn't visit that often (the jail was a 2 hour drive)
    Once we got moved and settled we communicated via letters and that worked best for us. While it was sad that he was locked up it afforded me some peace as I didn't have to wonder where he was or what he was doing (like breaking into my house while husband and I were at work)

    He was in jail twice last year and again we communicated via letters. What is really sad is the only time he reaches out to us is when he's in jail, or wants something.

    All in all, life is good and I do my best to enjoy each and everyday.

    :dance:
     
  19. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Tanya -- I applaud you, your strength and your decisions! Great job hearing and heeding your own needs and preferences. Very glad to connect with you in here!
     
  20. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thanks HeadlightsMom. I am so glad I found this forum. It has been so affirming for me to share and receive feedback. I truly wish I would have found this site years ago. I have found similar ones but I think this one is the best.
    :likeit:
     
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