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difficult child says she doesn't want to come home "yet".
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 593480" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Barbara. Geez, I am so, so sorry for what you are having to recognize in your daughter.........sigh........ I do understand. As far as we are concerned, you're right, it doesn't matter if our kids are involved in substance abuse or they are mentally ill, or whatever it is they are dealing with, we, as parents, suffer the same horrific responses to their choices and their lives. </p><p></p><p>One of the most difficult things I've had to deal with, is telling myself the truth about my daughter, she is NOT who I thought she was, nor is she who she says she is. My therapist calls it a FOG, the place we as parents go so we don't see the truth of who they've become or who they are. It is very, very powerful. Lifting it so we can see the truth is such a challenge and it is continuous because our hope is so strong that they recover from whatever forces hold them hostage, that it's just much simpler and much less painful to NOT see. Seeing the truth means we have to feel the pain of the loss of who we thought they were. To think that they are like Lon Chaney, or some victim of their disease or illness or drug abuse gives them a pass on their behavior, as if that excuses them. It doesn't. We must stop making excuses for their behavior, <em>they are choosing it</em>. They have become people we likely wouldn't associate with if they were not our children. How horrible is that? </p><p></p><p>I have had to systematically, over time, reduce my involvement and connection with my daughter until I rarely see her and now rarely speak to her. Each step of the way has proven to be a WILD struggle for me to let go of that little piece which is left of our relationship. Each step along the way, I cry and mourn the loss. I think it has to be gradual like that, I can't imagine just one day throwing them overboard, it happens in tiny increments over time as you realize she is not who you think she is, she is not the daughter you remember.................</p><p></p><p>You're in that process Barbara, God bless you, a place which took me to the edge many times. But, as we all come to find out, seeing the truth, seeing what is real is what finally unhooks us from our pretend world and delivers us to reality, perhaps harsh and somewhat cold, but our eyes are opened, we see the truth and oddly it is liberating. It's no easy ride, that's for sure, but as you see more and more of the truth of the situation, you are more free, more calm, more resolved and more okay. </p><p></p><p>When our difficult child's are 19 or 22 or still young, there is more time to give them chances, to help them develop and grow and hopefully heal, but as they get older, it becomes more and more difficult to <strong>not </strong>see the truth of who they are and the absolute powerlessness we feel , although excruciating, becomes obvious (even to us) and we either let go or we don't. Holding on, trying to continually fix them and help them will ultimately ruin our lives too. What a terrible dilemma for us parents to have to confront. </p><p></p><p>I feel for you Barbara, I do, opening your eyes to who your daughter is, is a shock to our mother's hearts. But, that very same opening is what will ultimately free you from the clutches of delusion. You're doing a very good job of seeing through the fog, hang in there, it really does get easier.......................many, many gentle hugs coming your way right now............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 593480, member: 13542"] Good morning Barbara. Geez, I am so, so sorry for what you are having to recognize in your daughter.........sigh........ I do understand. As far as we are concerned, you're right, it doesn't matter if our kids are involved in substance abuse or they are mentally ill, or whatever it is they are dealing with, we, as parents, suffer the same horrific responses to their choices and their lives. One of the most difficult things I've had to deal with, is telling myself the truth about my daughter, she is NOT who I thought she was, nor is she who she says she is. My therapist calls it a FOG, the place we as parents go so we don't see the truth of who they've become or who they are. It is very, very powerful. Lifting it so we can see the truth is such a challenge and it is continuous because our hope is so strong that they recover from whatever forces hold them hostage, that it's just much simpler and much less painful to NOT see. Seeing the truth means we have to feel the pain of the loss of who we thought they were. To think that they are like Lon Chaney, or some victim of their disease or illness or drug abuse gives them a pass on their behavior, as if that excuses them. It doesn't. We must stop making excuses for their behavior, [I]they are choosing it[/I]. They have become people we likely wouldn't associate with if they were not our children. How horrible is that? I have had to systematically, over time, reduce my involvement and connection with my daughter until I rarely see her and now rarely speak to her. Each step of the way has proven to be a WILD struggle for me to let go of that little piece which is left of our relationship. Each step along the way, I cry and mourn the loss. I think it has to be gradual like that, I can't imagine just one day throwing them overboard, it happens in tiny increments over time as you realize she is not who you think she is, she is not the daughter you remember................. You're in that process Barbara, God bless you, a place which took me to the edge many times. But, as we all come to find out, seeing the truth, seeing what is real is what finally unhooks us from our pretend world and delivers us to reality, perhaps harsh and somewhat cold, but our eyes are opened, we see the truth and oddly it is liberating. It's no easy ride, that's for sure, but as you see more and more of the truth of the situation, you are more free, more calm, more resolved and more okay. When our difficult child's are 19 or 22 or still young, there is more time to give them chances, to help them develop and grow and hopefully heal, but as they get older, it becomes more and more difficult to [B]not [/B]see the truth of who they are and the absolute powerlessness we feel , although excruciating, becomes obvious (even to us) and we either let go or we don't. Holding on, trying to continually fix them and help them will ultimately ruin our lives too. What a terrible dilemma for us parents to have to confront. I feel for you Barbara, I do, opening your eyes to who your daughter is, is a shock to our mother's hearts. But, that very same opening is what will ultimately free you from the clutches of delusion. You're doing a very good job of seeing through the fog, hang in there, it really does get easier.......................many, many gentle hugs coming your way right now............ [/QUOTE]
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difficult child says she doesn't want to come home "yet".
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