difficult child smashed into a parked car, drunk

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Mar 17, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    After husband spent four hours getting the title to the car changed over and 30 day tags bought she went downtown to party and drink. I just read a couple emails she sent to her new navy friend, she smashed her car into a parked car.

    But she's not an alocholic and alcohol and drugs are not causing any problems in her life. That what she adamently told husband today.

    All I can say is I am so thankful Ipushed husband to get this done today. I'm sure her brand new insurance company will cancel her. But then again she may have just smashed and run.

  2. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Geez Nancy, I am so sorry this has happened. You have to be numb.

    Yes, very smart you got this handled. You have done the right things. Maybe this is her higher power giving her another push in the right direction?

    Very very grateful no one was hurt.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, that didn't take long. She is really spiraling down. I'm so sorry, Nancy. I wonder what it is going to take for her to see where this is heading.


    Last edited: Mar 18, 2012
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sigh. and lots more not very nice non forum nice words.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Nancy, first I am glad she is ok, I hope no one else got hurt. I am sorry for your mommy heart and pray that this will be a step toward realizing this is a problem in her life. Sounds like she has a few people around her that might not be supportive to that end but she has your foundation in there somewhere....I pray that will help her to come around sooner than later. My closest sister's name is Nancy and I think of her when I read your posts. Her daughter is my God daughter and if this was her we would be so scared and and desperate for her. It makes me really feel for you.

    I wish the car would be too damaged to drive for now. She should not be driving. So so sorry.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Good Grief. Wasn't it just yesterday that the insurance got switched? If she didn't self report she may be facing legal issues in addition to losing her insurance. Sorry my thoughts are rambling after another "cough" bug night. Of course I am glad she is physically ok. I know the insurance coverage for difficult child's car does not include repairs to his vehicle. Lordy, you and husband must be reeling from the rollercoaster ride of late. Hugs DDD
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    Oh gosh this roller coaster ride is swinging widly. I hope you and husband are holding on to each other and finding ways to ground yourselves. It sounds like difficult child is spiraling downward fast... my hope for her is she spirals down fast and then her times in recovery help her see that there is help out there and that maybe in fact she really is an alcoholic and really does need help and recovery... clearly she is unable to "drink moderately".

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes we just switched the insurance effective yesterday. I don't know any details, she must be on to me because she is now deleting all her emails after receiving/sending and I only get to see a couple, so I don't know any details. I'm sure she did not report it or leave a note to the other driver. She did say she spent a ton of money and got so messed up (used the f word). There were close to 400,000 people downtown for the parade and probably a good percentage of them were drunk. I don't know if anyone saw and for all I know she will be getting a visit from the police today.

    It appears as though her spiral downward if going faster. They did tell us each time they relapse it goes faster and fatser. In a way I guess that is good. She will hit bottom sooner.

    I am so torn here, I know she should not be driving and yet we put the car in her name. We should have taken the car back and sold it. That woulld have been a horrible scene and we would have had to involve the police. I don't know what we should have done and I don't know what to do now other than pray no one gets hurt and that she loses her license and car before it's too late.

    She is cleary out of control and now is the time I have to practice my detachment skills big time. I am angry and that helps. I am just thankful I convinced husband to get her own insurance when I did or we would stand to lose everything.

  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't think that you should have taken the car away. She is an adult and needs to get to work if she can possibly hold it together. If she loses the car now it will be on her. You can't stop bad things from happening to her.

    In the meantime, I'm not sure how you have access to her emails but I would stop reading them. It just brings you more pain.

    I wish we lived closer so I could take you out for some retail therapy.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I do wish we all lived closer so we coulld take you out and have a few laughs admist all the pain!!! I understand about the worry about her having a car but there is nothing you can do about it. You have done so much for her and it is up to her now.... and yeah she is spinning out of control and when that has happened before she has gotten into recovery so hopefully she will again and soon.

    And I think what we all learn in this process is how our difficult children con us..... that is one thing I have realized is that I have been conned over and over again by my difficult child. As my husband said yesterday over the phone as he was telling me a story about how difficult child worked the system where he is to get some cigarettes, he is a con man. And I think our difficult children who are also ODD.... conning is a game to them, what they can get away with, how they break more rules.

    So when she goes into recovery again (and I think she will) just be aware that she may still try to con you...even more so if she is relapsing... and be that much more wary.....and more careful with your heart and what you give her.

    At least that is where I am at.

    This may not be true of all drug addicts, but Nancy your difficult child and mine are so similar.... I really think even when they are sober we can't trust a word they say. They have been lying to us all their lives, even before the drugs. I am not sure they know how to do anything else.

    I am really seeing as my 16 year old easy child daughter gets older and more freedom what a difference trust makes. I don't think I can ever trust difficult child even if he gets and stays sober.

    Sorry for tangent but I am thinking about you today.

  11. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    The trouble just never ends with our difficult children. I can't imagine a life without constant drama. I did take my difficult children truck away after a bong was found in it by the police resulting in bail jumping. I should've done it sooner. He crashed my car in September ($7000 damage) and is facing owi charges for operating under the influence of DXM. We're still awaiting blood tests for that. He will likely lose his license soon anyway. My insurance is now astronomical! I just found out I can revoke my sponsorship and have his license revoked. He's going to flip out!

    Sorry you are going through so much, Nancy. She's an adult now and will have to deal with this herself if she wants to continue to drink. I agree that you should stop reading her emails and step back. Do something healthy and enjoyable for yourself today!

  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Nancy, I am so sorry that she is on this down cycle again. I know you are hurting. Try hard to not let it consume you. I agree with those that advise you to stop reading the e-mails because it breaks your heart each time you find out something bad. Resign yourself to th fact that the cops could come to your door at any time inquiring about her. That way you are emotinally prepared if/when it happens. Then let it go and just go on with your life. I know ESTD but really it is the only way to survive difficult child's like ours. (((HUGS)))
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Nancy she has you guys in a lose/lose right now and I'm really hoping you'll be able to step up to the next level of detachment soon. If you took the car away she would say that she couldn't work etc. etc. With the car in her name she will own responsibility. I continue to send caring supportive thoughts your way. Hugs. DDD
  15. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Dear Nancy, you have done it all. There is nothing you can do but wait until the consequence of rock bottom comes. I know what you are feeling and it is difficult to find peace, to know that you have done it all and to take care of you. :hamwheelsmilf: Please try to get off her treadmill. We are here for you and we know that you are a great mom-what ever she does is a consequence of her own bull.
  16. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Nancy: I have no words to express how sad I am about your difficult child's downward spiral. Sending lots of HUGS to you. You are really a great mom.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    ((((HUGS)))) Do what you have to do to take of yourself.
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The only reason I know that she was drinking/using at all is because I looked at her emails, and that was only after a long time of not doing so and a lot of suspicions. Had I not done that I most likely would be continuing to help her, buy groceries, fix up her apt, etc. Now I realize every penny I spent on her was one more penny she coudl use to drink. So while it may not be the wisest thing to read her emails it was the only way I knew to put a halt to our involvement in her life. Also had I not checked this morning I would not know that she crashed the car and we need that info in case they try to come back on us since the title wasn't changed until yesterday afternoon and I haven't been able to cancel her current insurnace until tomorrow.

    She is wise to me because she is now deleting her incoming and sent emails as soon as they come in or are sent. I just happened to catch the one about the crash because she was so wasted last night she didn't delete it. As soon as she gets internet she will no longer use email and I won't see anything anyway.

    She called us today and asked me if she should get wireless internet or just internet. I told her I wasn't helping her do a thing and she would have to figure it out herself. Then she called back to ask husband for his credit card number so she could order it because they won't take a check. He told her he wasn't helping her anymore, that we have helped her more than we should have and there is no more help available.

    I'm sure the first thing she will do tomorrow is go back to the bank and open up another master card.

    She has $200 in her account and rent is $500 and utilities wil be coming due and she's ordering internet. And worse she just caused about $2,000 damage to her car and probably more to someone elses.

    You know what really gets me? She is the best con artist I have ever seen. Up until I read those emails I htought she was doing well. Now I find out she's been lying since November. At Christmas I thought she was well on her way in recovery. I did not see this coming. She is an expert at fooling people.

  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've been thinking about you and your difficult child all day. I don't understand why she went to all those AA meetings and asked you to go with her. Was is really all part of an elaborate scam to keep you from knowing that she was drinking? That seems unlikely.

    I wonder if she realized she was slipping and going to the AA meetings were a way she was hoping to keep even a tenuous hold on her sobriety. I guess we will never know.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again . . . the feeling of being betrayed when you realize that you have been played or scammed is the worst feeling of all. They play on your hopes for them and then it all comes crashing down on you when you find out the truth.

    Calling you and husband today means that she doesn't realize that you know about last night's episode and that the jig is up for her. I can't even imagine how you felt when you talked to her today. I'm amazed you were able to hold back about her car . . . especially when she asked for the credit card number. I would have probably been a screaming mimi.

  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Kathy I've read the sequence of events differently than you have. Nancy read an email about difficult child's activities. difficult child found out and deleted all her emails which would indicate difficult child knows. on the other hand, if it coincidentally happened that difficult child was drunk, forgot to delete Friday night's email and Nancy read it Saturday then maybe difficult child doesn't know. Somehow I think she does.

    To me the saddest part is that so many of us truly know how much Nancy wanted to believe that difficult child had turned a corner...we've been there done that. We want to have our difficult child's be examples of redemption and deep introspection and heartfelt actions. Actually we want our difficult children to become adult PCs. We all know we have to "stay prepared for the worst" but each time the blankin' "worst" happens...we want to believe that it won't happen again. Sigh. Basically, however, our difficult children are self serving players. We just have to protect ourselves as best we can. DDD