difficult child still hasn't learned, but I have. Yippee.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jody, Jun 21, 2011.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Okay difficult child, has been in fostercare for a year this month. During this year, I have learned to take care of myself and my bills and that life is not all about difficult child. In fact, and this may sound selfish but most of my life is not about difficult child now. I had to step back and let someone else try to help her. I wasn't helping her or myself. She is with a wonderful foster family, who love her and she loves them. They will not put up with her antics and she knows it. Over this last year, I have grown stronger and become a better person and parent. My mental health is good, physically I feel the best that I think I ever have. I am ready for life, not wanting to give up. I feel life has just started for me. I had hoped that difficult child would want to change her ways and possibly come home. That was early on, I don't feel quite that way now. She comes home every Friday and stays until i take her home on Sunday. I always have an optimistic outlook before I get her, it's not long after she is home that that changes. I do have moments that I enjoy with her and am glad that we can have some fun together. I know that I cannot raise her and have talked to her fosterparents abut continuing caring for her after she leaves care. We haven't discussed money or anything yet and don't know if it's feasible or not, but they have agreed that they would keep her. Fostercare saved my life. I did not have bad experiences with any of the agencies that I have dealt with. They have been behind me 100%. I learned that I am now strong and will not take her ****. it is her **** and not mine. She called me today and told me she cut all of her hair off, because I would not allow her to color her hair. I told her that was too bad, that she did that. She wasn't allowed to make any changes to her hair without permission from me, as far as cutting, perming, coloring. She said it was my fault. I told her, you did what you wanted now you will have to live with it. Not me, I still have hair. I wonder how she thought she was punishing me by cutting all her hair off. She had really pretty long light brown hair. It's all gone now, but like I said I still have mine. It took almost 13 years of all of the struggles and craziness to come to this point. I can't go back.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so proud of you and happy for you, Jody! I remember how broken you seemed when you first came here a year ago. I was so worried about both of you. It is awesome to hear that you are happy and you know that you are stronger and able to cope with your life. It had to be so hard to give difficult child up to foster care. In some ways it would have been easier to keep her with you and stay in that bad situation. If for no other reason than the devil you know is less scary than the devil you don't.

    You took the super-hard step and reached out for some pretty intensive help. SOmetimes we have to face the reality that not every child can live with every parent safely. It sounds like your daughter is doing very well (in difficult child terms) with the foster family and you are doing well with the visits. Trust your instincts on this and odn't let anyone push you into bringing her back home with you permanently.

    I probably sounds weird or strange, but I am so proud that you were able to take that step and let her go live with a family that could handle her and not put up with her koi AND that you were able to rebuild your own life, health and sense of self. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to insist our child not live with us.

    As for her hair - roflmao!!! As if cutting her hair off was going to hurt YOU!!! Where do they come up with this stuff??
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Gosh Jody, I am so proud of you. You have come so very far in the last year. I remember reading your earlier posts and you were in such a different frame of mind.

    You have such a great outlook !

    difficult child will make her own choices and SHE will have to live with them like you said.

    So happy for you Jody !!! Shelly
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Way to go, Jody!
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Jody- It takes a brave and strong parent to take the steps you did. You obviously love your difficult child a great deal.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Way To Go Jody -- I'm still amazed that you were able to get supportive foster care in our state.

    ((Side note -- not sure how close you are to Chicago but some of the board members are having a summer reunion, check out the Watercooler, it is one of the sticky posts)
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jody, I am so absolutely proud of you and how far you have come and completely thrilled for you for the future you have.
  8. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Shelly-Thank you so much. I have reread some of my posts and can hear how desperate I was and how totally defeated. Even in the beginning when she first left, it was so hard to focus on me and getting well. I focused on the shame of the whole thing, your daughter in foster care. Anyone who knew me, knew I tried very hard to make it work, but it still bothered me at times. I was able to let it go, and forgive myself for what I thought I hadn't done right as a parent. Thank you for your support and kindess. The people on this board have really helped and it has been great being a part of such a great group of people.

    Susie-I was definately broken when I came here. Definately. I remember waking up everyday, mad because I was awake. It was so hard to hear her call me names and the cursing everyday. I went to bed hoping I would not wake up. That is so awful. But that's how broken I was. I am glad that God had other plans for me. I just didn't know this life was around the corner. It's nice that someone else is proud of me. I haven't had that a lot in my life, but even nicer is that I am proud of myself. Thanks for you support and concern when I was at my darkest ever.

    Janet-I will remain a member of this board for a long time to come. It has meant a lot to me. How are you doing? I know it's a hard time for you right now. It's nice that you took time to comment on my post. Thank you.

    JJJ-I had heard horror stories about fostercare. I was just blessed to have been directed into the right place and she was placed with the right family. This is her second home. The first one wasn't too great, but I am sure my difficult child had a part in some of the issues there too. She does better with a father figure in the house for some reason. The foster mom is a stay at home mom and I think difficult child really needs that. It was never an option in my life, but someone told me she needed three full-time parents to raise her. They may not all be full-time, but it's working. I am going to check out the reunion in Chicago. I think I might be able to get off work.

    Tiredmommy-I do love her so much. I am hoping that she can make some better decisions and have a good life. Thank you for your response!!! :)

    KTMom91- These girls can give you a run for your money. It's exciting to see that some do make it to college. Girls are drama queens. I definately have one of those. I guess we'll laugh about her cutting all of her hair off but it won't be for many years.

    KTMom91-Thank you