difficult child Update - Not getting any better

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by welcometowitsend, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. I spent an entire morning at difficult child's school this week. Apparently, due to his lack of attendance they have finally decided to get the Attendance Counsellor on his butt. I asked that he be referred to this Attendance Counsellor last year and they told me they had done it but obviously didn't. He is also now on their radar for 'demittance'. Because he has missed so many classes they can just unenroll him from school and tell him to come back when he actually wants to go to class. I doubt they'll demit him unless he misses the full 15 days in a row which then makes it automatic.

    So that wasn't fun. I took difficult child out for lunch yesterday and had a conversation with him about where he is going in life and he said he was going to work on getting caught up in school and going to class. I dropped him off at school after lunch and he skipped the next period. So frustrating.

    On the advice of our support group I have not been calling or texting him but instead I've been waiting for him to call/text me. Bet you can guess how that's going. Not very well. I never hear from him. The only reason I saw him yesterday is because I called to tell him about the meeting with the school and that he is on their radar for demittance. And I had some mail to deliver to him as well.

    I think the 'not calling' has been really stressful on me. I still want to see and talk to my kid and sometimes he is pretty fun to be around. I just don't think that is working for me to not be in contact with him. He doesn't care if he talks to me or not unless he wants something so he could go weeks with no contact. So, I'm obviously not ready to detach on that level. I'm thinking I might just call him once a week and try to have lunch with him once a week as well. That will be better for me and maybe will help be a positive influence on him.

    I will see him again on Monday as he has a doctors appointment and I told him I'd take him to get a haircut (at least it'll get washed).

    He is not taking his medications consistently which is really not helping his situation either. He says the more often he forgets the less he wants to take them and the worse his mood gets which makes him even more noncompliant. Such a frustrating cycle but maybe this little bit of insight on his part will help him see what the noncompliance is doing to him.

    All of his rent money has been spent and he's decided to live with this friend and her mother until he graduates high school. Ha! I wonder if the mother knows he isn't even going to school and it may take a very long time for him to graduate. She told him to ask me for his monthly 'baby bonus' cheque from the government. She told him that everyone gets money every month from the government to help pay for their kids expenses. Well, it's geared to income and husband and I haven't gotten that cheque in about 14 years. She will not get a dime out of us. I will buy him clothing for Christmas and birthday and will pay for haircuts and his medications and dental. That is it. If she wants to 'rescue' my wayward son then she can go right ahead. He has a nice home here with food and his own room if he wants to follow a few rules. If she wants money I will suggest she take him to the welfare office and get him signed up for the 'couch surfing' stipend which is about $300 a month. Ok, that's me being angry at this woman who is enabling my son and obviously wants me to pay her for doing it. I've never met or gotten a phone call from this woman and have no way to contact her as difficult child is certainly not willing to give me her contact info.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Welcome, I'm sorry I have not followed all your posts so I don't know the entire story but I do know what it's like to be out of touch with your difficult child. Mine was drinking underage and doing drugs but she was 18 and no longer a minor. I understand your pain in not talking with your difficult child and would advise you to do what you feel is right in your heart. I would never cut off communication with my difficult child if she had not been abusing substances. He is still young and needs your involvement in his life even if he doesn't want it.

    I'm not familar with the laws in Canada but here a minor cannot live with anyone else without the consent of his parents. The nerve of his friend's mom to try to get money out of you when she is interferring in your parental rights with your child.

    I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open, taking him to lunch once a week sounds like a good thing.
  3. Hi Nancy,

    Thank you. Where we live they can choose to leave home at 16 and we don't have any rights to even know where they are, let alone make them come home or send them to treatment of any kind.

    I agree with you about this other woman - makes me so angry. She hasn't even bothered to call and find out our situation or ask if there is anything she can do to help with getting difficult child home and in a better state. I guess she figures she is saving him from us - I can only imagine what he's told her about us. And she probably believes it.

    I'm in agreement about contact with him as well. I just can't do it. It's too hard for me and I really don't think it is good. I mean - I absolutely want difficult child to WANT to call me and WANT to talk to me but he doesn't. I understand the thinking that if I put the ball in his court that maybe he'll come to understand that he actually wants and needs a relationship with me too. But, he obviously doesn't want it right now because he doesn't keep in touch and quite frankly, it's really hurting me. I'm in such bad shape, physically and emotionally, right now. I've had heart palpitations for 2+ months now, headaches, irritability, lack of focus. I've been back to the doctor several times and she doesn't seem the least bit concerned but I finally got a diagnosis of anemia and am going for some heart tests next week. Apparently stress hormones can block your absorption of nutrients and iron is one of those nutrients. Of course the heart palpitations are scary as heck and the not knowing whether it's stress or something more serious is making it worse.

    I'm trying to get better sleep but the heart palpitations wake me up in the middle of the night at least 5 to 6 times a night. I have improved my diet significantly and am doing yoga a few times a week to help reduce stress. Hopefully I'll see some results soon.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WTW, first of all many, many gentle and caring hugs for you. I understand how much your heart is hurting right now and how angry you feel towards this other parent who is allowing your son to stay at her place. I think checking in once a week with a lunch with your difficult child is a good idea, it's not always the best idea to have no contact, he is still only 16 and you are his mom. I think at his age not contacting you at all is not that uncommon, I know it hurts your feelings, it would mine too, but a 16 year old is so self centered and so into instant gratification, they are just too self absorbed to think about anyone else. Then throw in possible bipolar and you have a cocktail of behaviors which really don't have anything to do with you. So, you initiating contact once a week and not enabling him in any way sounds perfectly fine and a good idea for your own sanity and well being.

    I think you always make very well thought out choices and this is no exception. You're on uncharted territory with mine fields every few feet and you continue to negotiate the journey very well. Not to say you don't have passionate feelings about all of it, we all do, but it's the choices you make which are profoundly important and you make good choices.
  5. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending Hugs
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WTW, I just read your post about your heart palpitations, and you are young, but when I was 52 I had 2 years of strange symptoms with what felt like my whole system shut down, labored breathing, heart palpitations, ugh, I went to the emergency room a number of times, and it always seemed to happen at night. Way after the fact, when all the tests were done and no one could tell me anything, a nurse told me all of those symptoms can be attributed to menopause. I never found out what it was, it all went away, and like you, I was under enormous stress at the time...........I think sometimes the body just reacts in mysterious ways when we are filled with anxiety and sometimes Dr's can't find reasons. Try meditation too, even just 10 minutes a day helps a lot.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I can't believe the number of stipends your government has! A couch -surfing stipend? Wow! I'm glad you are keeping contact, for your own sake. Your expectations are realistic, you know it won't fix things magically, and you have your own health to consider.

    I hope you go to the doctor just to make sure. Thyroid stuff can result in some similar symptoms too. I get weird heart pangs and palpations too, stress over our kids is so intense.
    I really admire that you're doing the yoga and diet changes. Stay strong! Hugs. Dee
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Buddy, there really isn't a "couch-surfing stippend"...

    What there IS, is a minimal SS allowance for "independent" singles who are not "able" to work (being in school is a valid reason for not working). It isn't much. The intent is for them to be out supporting themselves. But... if someone will take them in (couch-surfing), it does help pay for food. In theory. IF, of course, that's what it gets spent on.
  9. Ugh - 2nd post today that I've lost.

    Insane - You're right it's not technically called a couch-surfing stipend but SS will provide 3 different levels of support for students between the ages of 16 and 18 (not sure after 18). $600 a month if they are renting an apartment or living in a shared accomodation situation where they have their own room, $300 a month (approx) if they are couch-surfing and about $150 a month if they are living in a homeless shelter. And of course it is to go towards food and clothing etc. but there is that IF you mentioned.

    Dee - I'm not usually one to go to the doctor but this scares me. I have been to see her a few times. I've had bloodwork which showed normal levels with the exception of my iron. I am anemic so I'm now on iron supplements. I've had 2 ultrasounds, internal and external to look for fibroids to see if they might be the cause of the anemia - got the all clear on that. I've had an ECG (EKG) and that came back clear. Now I'm going to have a Holter monitor test on the 15th. 48 hours of heart monitoring to see if they can detect what I'm feeling.

    RE - I have considered menopause symptoms as a cause but still want to make sure I rule out everything else first. My grandmother was through menopause at age 44 but my mom was 50. I am now 43 but have been having hot flashes for a few years now (not often and not severe). Once we rule out actual heart problems then I guess I'll chalk it up to perimenopause and hope they go away soon. My mom had them when she was my age as well and it turned out to be nothing and hers went away until this year (she is 68) when she developed atrial fibrillation (my dad has that too).
  10. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    A quick note on AFib: it can be hereditart, and usually very treatable. DEX, his dad and his grampa all have/had it, the kind the docs call a "Stroke gun" because it leads to stroke clots through a spot of blood stagnating in the hearrt. He takes beta blockers for it, and noted that beef and/or chocolate in quantity can trigger an episode even while medicated. He also noted that the beta blockers had a good, positive effect on his anxiety levels.

    Menopause- oh yeah. I am just there, and feeling so much better and more stable. Don't beat yoursotebook and pencil, and write down everything you need to remember. Then remember that you wrote it down. :)elf up if you start having short term memory problems, just always carry a n
  11. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    Oops. Can't edit from my phone, just cut and paste in your head to fix my crazy typing. :)
  12. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    WTW... one thought occurred to me in reading over your posts and I hope you're not annoyed with me for suggesting it but... I noticed that you said you'd never spoken or communicated with the woman who's taking your difficult child in. Therefore, your understanding of what she's planning to do, or saying, is based entirely on your difficult child's account? Of course I don't know your difficult child but is there any chance that what he's telling you isn't 100% accurate? If it were me, I'd absolutely contact this other mother and try to have a heart-to-heart with her, I would never take my child's word for it about something so important.

    Now understand that this is coming from a mom with a son who would lie about what time it is, and for no reason at all. But still...
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    IC, i assumed it was an informal name lol, but.....Still, it's interesting. I can see pros and cons. To a teen, that could seem like a ton of money.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    WTW, I got checked too. It's a scary feeling. All's good for me except good cholesterol is low. (And I could lose lots more weight).
    But for me I think it's mostly perimenopause and stress. And they influence eachother. My first hotflash was while driving behind the ambulance taking Q to the psychiatric hospital.

    My cycle stopped for four months. That happened again in Sept when the new school seemed to be at risk.

    It's no wonder to me at all, that many of us have medical issues. This level of stress is not normal.
  15. Nerfherder - Oh yes, memory loss. I forgot to mention that I have that too! LOL. I've always had difficulty keeping myself organized and on track but now my memory is brutal - I attributed it to stress but now I'm wondering if it is related to the anemia, stress and perimenopause?

    gsingjane - I agree. My difficult child lies about everything. If his lips are moving he is likely lying. I can only imagine what he has told this lady about how abusive husband and I are and how horrible his homelife was. I don't blame her for falling for it I just wish I could talk to her. I have tried to get difficult child to give me phone numbers of people his is staying with before but he won't give me any information. I know what apartment building they live in but other than waiting at the door and asking every woman entering the building if they know my son I really have no way of contacting her. As far as the 'baby bonus' (I put it in quotes because that's what it used to be called but they've changed the name) I do believe that either came from her or one of difficult child's friends but I'm leaning towards the mother. She is a single mother and is likely in a tax bracket where she would qualify for that monthly $$ amount and is probably wondering why I would be keeping it for myself instead of providing it to difficult child to use. I suppose I would wonder that myself if I were her. The funny thing is that husband and I make too much money to qualify for that monthly cheque - so I guess now she'll be wondering if we make that much money why we aren't giving any to her or difficult child for his expenses. I'd love the opportunity to explain things from our perspective and hopefully at some point I can get difficult child to give me a phone number where I can reach her or get her to call me.

    Buddy - I agree, it would be no surprise to me if this is all stress related. I'm glad you got checked out as well. I'm in the same boat as you - need to lose quite a bit more weight. I am down 50lb from my absolute high but I still have a ways to go. Right now I am just trying to take things 10 lbs at a time. They say even a 10% drop in weight can give you significant medical improvement.

    I have to say that I was secretly hoping to have huge fibroids so I would need a hysterectomy. Part of me just wants to be done with my period every month.