difficult child update

[Mattsmom277]

Matt is off right now getting his hair cut again (he had it done just a few weeks ago). There was a glitch before the weekend which delayed his cut until now. I'm anxious to see it! It has always been so long since I gave up the hair cut fight. He went a lot shorter the past cut a few weeks back but now that he's in the "job hunting" phase, he is cutting it much much shorter.

I had to run out this morning and when I got back he was home from school and holed up in the bathroom. He emerged fresh faced and clean shaved which I haven't seen for a couple of years now. He has kept his facial hair well trimmed and groomed but it was very thick and full and dark. He looks so fresh and youthful and his skin is beautiful. It's so nice to see him that way! I waited until he'd left the living room to beam and do a little happy dance .

Please send some good thoughts his way this week and next. He's off to apply for jobs each afternoon and over the weekend. Gosh I hope someone gives him that much needed first chance.

He cleaned his room to "mom" standards as well. Without me asking which is major for him. He is so unorganized and truly his room was a sty. I mean, so nasty I couldn't bring myself to go in anymore at all. He told me , and I quote : It is not helping me mentally to have my room so disgusting. I spend a lot of time in there so I guess it's time I start keeping it nice so I don't feel so depressed".

I'm still gutted that he is quitting school in March. I am however hopeful about his emotional well being that he realizes his depression is hitting, that he wants a clean space, that he identifies without me or any other coaching what is emotionally not healthy for him and that he wants his hair and skin/face nice.

OMG ... he is here right now from the hairdresser. He has kept some length but I see no reason for him to not appear a well groomed and handsome young man for interviews. He was even smiling about his hair cut. And *GASP* he ASKED MY OPINION ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He told me he is going to be honest if he does get an interview that he prefers some length to his hair but if it should be shorter for the work environment he will groom it and cut it to the employers standards.

Okay, I'm officially proud of him. Now, if only he'd go to work part time and stay in school! He only has to attend until noon in this alternative program anyhow.

Anyhow, any good thought vibes you could all spare for his job hunt would come in handy. Board power works for so many others, perhaps for Matt as well!

 

[DammitJanet]

Sounds very good.

I like my men with a bit of hair. I really dont like short short hair. I wish Jamie didnt have to keep his so short. I cried when he had to cut it. Now I cry when they cut Mikey's. I wish they would let the baby's hair grow out some. Little boys look cute with little curls or bowl cuts.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Janet, I agree for many boys. Matt has some skull deformities that developed in his first year and the longer hair really disguised it. I didn't like how long he grew it at one point though, it is so incredibly thick that it was overwhelming on him and he clung to it like a cloak to hide behind. It is nice to see his bangs no longer covering up his huge round gorgeous crystal blue eyes and he has stunning eyelashes. They are his best feature and he looks so nice with them showing. With all that facial hair gone, and his bangs shorter, his eyes pop out. I'm a little afraid of the young women who will be throwing themselves at him (lol).

I'm glad he kept some length. he's comfortable with such a major cut but I believe it is because he didn't go crew cut short or anything. He looks fantastic

 

[HaoZi]

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh...thats what I was meaning...lol. I didnt mean that he needed it long long...I meant just a little bit. Sigh....I didnt make myself understood again. I was trying to say he didnt need a "grown up business man cut" when he is still a kid...lol. Just look at all the teen idols.

 

[barneysmom]

I am rooting for him. He sounds like a wonderful young man. He sounds invigorated, and the insights he's giving you about what is emotionally not healthy for him, are so refreshing to hear, especially when he follows it up with action like hair-cutting and room cleaning. Love hearing about those crystal blue eyes and great lashes.

Maybe we'll have to trust him that the school piece is not healthy for him right now (easy for me to say as an outsider). I think the schooling will work itself out once he's able to get some control of his life (which he's doing).

I'll be keeping you and Matt in my thoughts. I think you're really being a warrior mom, and also emotionally a very generous person, to give him some space at this time. It's not easy. Good thing you raised him so well, so that you are able to trust his decisions at this time, at least to some extent.

Jo

 

[Mattsmom277]

Awww Jo, thanks! I think I needed to hear that part about giving him space spelled out just that way, also the bit about trying to trust his decisions. Maybe this is what HE needs even though it is not what I think would serve his future best. I woke this morning with S/O to our alarm at 6:30 and Matt was up, had just finished showering and was smiling and chatty. Now this is foreign! I mean, he's gotten better the past few years about getting up. He often requires me to wake him despite his alarm beeping at him, but he doesn't grouch at me anymore so long as I don't wake him by barking at him to get up or startle him awake. A gentle "Matt, time to get up" usually suffices. But he doesn't talk in the morning and just is doom and gloom to be around. This is day 3 or 4 of him going to bed at a reasonable time and waking early and seeming happy to do so. He says he is trying to fix a new routine for himself that can help him feel better in the mornings. I completely see the changes in him that seem to be boistering his mood, and school has always been such a source of major stress for him I think he's riding kind of high at the prospect of it nearly ending for him. He just feels tortured there or something.

He is a complete history buff. I learned that the university is hosting a open lecture tomorrow night from a youth ambassador from Rwanda to discuss the history of genocide in that country and I was shocked but happy that Matt wants to go with me. I am going to keep apprised of things like this to try to intrigue him and interest him in the university (which is a sister school that shares a site with the college, one of a kind in Canada, and both schools offer good programs. Also both schools allow entry with mature student testing and actually the university has a easier entry test than the college. I've written both and hands down the University test is more interesting and technically easier and Matt would easily pass and gain admittance without a high school diploma). His areas of interest are history and world religion. Hopefully we'll have a chance to attend a few interesting lectures and maybe he'll see that the University type learning is a totally different experience that he'd enjoy in a way high school wasn't for him. One never knows. Sometimes a new perspective goes a long way.

Meanwhile, he applied for a job nearby yesterday but the manager knew him by sight as a frequent customer and was very nice to him. She told him she had hired someone for the spot not 30 minutes before he walked in so he was disappointed. Yet he felt good because she was receptive to him and did tell him to apply again if he sees a sign up in the future and she'd happily interview him. It made him feel good that she offered a potential future interview even knowing it was his first time applying for a job. He had big plans today for handing out resumes this afternoon after class. But it is -37 celcius here today with wind chill so I doubt he'll be rushing out in that type of freezing temperature. Can't blame him there!

 

[DDD]

OMG! I can't even express how delighted I am to read of his new enthusiasm for life. Sure sounds like he is proving that he can chart a course for himself and follow through. Totally awesome. It sounds like you're doing a great job of backing off and letting him try his own wings. Super. DDD

 

[HaoZi]

If he does get out to do those resumes it's a reaffirmation of how dedicated he is to this. The willingness to cut his hair if an employer requires it shows great willingness. Long hair is also a "shield" to a number of people, because it distracts from other things, including emotional things. I think cutting it to really show his face shows a more openness to both seeing and being seen in a number of ways.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Haozi, I totally agree that hair can be a shield and Matt has always been open about the fact he keeps his hair long as a shield. It is so healthy for him to get it cut and hopefully it is a reflection of him being ready to emerge from a sort of social exile and regain his confidence and start participating in a life outside this house again.

Janet, I meant to say in my post a bit earlier this morning in the thread, you totally explained yourself well when you posted. I guess MY post afterward might have come across as I took what you said in a way you didn't mean to. But it is probably just that whole online typing thing that sometimes doesn't give a reflection of what we really are trying to say lol. Sorry!

Another positive I forgot to mention as well, he asked if S/O could help him to paint his bedroom and replace his single bed with a double sized one or a futon (he is 6'4, I don't blame him for wanting out of that single bed). I told him the paint is not a problem at all and that a bed or futon isn't either because I always told him I'd ensure he had a decent bedroom set when he's old enough to move out. But there was no point in spending a fortune on a good double or queen sized bed for him if he moves out soon and has a small place the bed won't fit (I won't then buy another pricey but small bed, we don't have the cash to throw about willy nilly). So I suggested holding off on the bed vs. futon decision. He told me he really wants a job and he knows he'll be paying rent to live here but has no desire to move out really soon so he'd prefer to get a bed now.

I'm glad to hear that, especially given he knows the rules for living here being either work full time and pay rent, or enroll in school again full time and pass all classes. Implies to me he realizes if work doesn't work out, he'll have to go back to school. Crossing fingers this is a decision he is going to remain happy about.