difficult child Visit

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Oct 5, 2014.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Hi all. Just visited with difficult child. He's doing well (31 days clean and sober now, he says). He clearly looks better and sounds better. It is interesting gradually removing the addiction puzzle piece of whatever his "whole" is that makes him....well, frankly....HIM. It does remove a big portion of it. However, clearly it's not the only slice of what makes him HIM. Still suspect personality disorders and bipolar weave through. I'm no MD/PhD, but that's that the MD's and PhD's have told us in the past.

    Strange..... We have so little to say to each other. He was VERY excited to see us at first. And we, equally, were very excited to see him. He's genuinely working the program and has evidence to show it. But our visits really are best left short. We visited for over an hour, but it was clear that we really only had maybe 30-min of things to say to each other. AND THAT'S OK. Really. IF that's what keeps it healthy and happy, then THAT'S WHAT KEEPS IT HEALTHY AND HAPPY. LEAVE THAT WISE BOUNDARY IN PLACE.

    FYI -- I told him about all of the spiel around the metal briefcase. He didn't mind, didn't flinch, didn't anything. Just said, "Ok.....I understand." AGAIN, IT PAYS TO BE CRYSTAL CLEAR WITH BOUNDARIES.

    That being said, things being what they are..........All in all, we're grateful for a sober, non-fighting day!
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  2. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    PS -- We're proud of him for rehab!
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm happy to read your post HLM, it all sounds good. He does sound as if he is trying. And, you have done an excellent job of staying on course with your boundaries and expectations. Good job!

    And, it's wonderful to be grateful for today, today is a good day.
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  4. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Re (as in "recoveringenabler", no "regarding".....LOL!) ---- Thank you so much!

    And sometimes surprise gifts come when not expected. Since I wrote this, we've heard from difficult child again and it....was....fantastic! We know how rare and precious days are where his window is "open" and he lets us peek inside. Well, he just shared his heart and I do believe it was real. He said very wonderful words of gratitude to husband and me and we are soaking it in. As these communications are rare, we are well aware of how sacred they are.

    The Big Picture......... The thing is, every person has a soul, a heart, a gladness and an ache. Every life matters.....EVERY life matters. No matter how unpretty some lives are on the outside, sometimes there's a goldmine inside, waiting to be unearthed.

    We don't always knows what lies buried deep.........but we are willing to dig in loving earnest (with boundaries which benefit us all).

    Grateful, grateful, grateful. No other words. :D
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Another mom told me once that a counselor told her that one of the markers for whether a person is still using is the way they describe and treat their parents. Those who are still using are abusive and condemnatory. Those who are clean are overwhelmed with gratitude at the strength of the parent's commitment.

    You sound strong and clear about your own boundaries.

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  6. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    SoC ---- Thank you so much for the wise words you shared! Hope so, seems so, striving so! :D

    I tell ya what, though, this strong boundaries business takes a lot of practice! But the more I practice it (regardless of what difficult child does), the more confident I grow in my own ability to do it. And, honestly, the less fight difficult child puts up about it. And, if he does, well, he knows I am all too happy to tell him to leave, hang up on him, or call 911. Done 'em all -- several times.

    But rehab does seem to be agreeing with him (knock wood it continues well). We are a combo of flabbergasted, vigilant, and grateful all in the same breath.

    I strive in ALL things, to let gratitude take the lead. Some days, I'm not so good at it. But ALL days, I strive. Today, however, it's pretty easy to be grateful!

    So, I'm just takin' that ball and runnin' with it, baaaaabyyyyyy! :D