difficult child wants to call his egg donor

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mstang67chic, Mar 4, 2008.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    difficult child turns 18 tomorrow and told me tonight that he will be calling his birth mother now that he's 18. BM lost parental rights to difficult child when he was about 6 or 7, as well as 2 of her other children. She has a total of 5 and only still has one...why I don't know but that's typical DCS in their infinite wisdom. We still have contact with some of his birth family (Grandma in particular) and he plans on calling G'ma to get egg donor's number. We have had difficult child since he was 9 and adopted him when he was 10. (We are not biologically related to him. He was adopted out of foster care) Egg donor hasn't reallly cleaned up her act since losing difficult child. She still parties, still leads a questionable lifestyle and from what G'ma says, lives in near poverty. She has been in and out of jail and prison, is estranged from her sister and is off and on with G'ma (her mother). Apparently she is only nice to G'ma when she needs something...you know, just little things like keeping her daughter when she's in jail.

    I told difficult child that I don't have egg donor's number and he said that he will just call G'ma to get it. I said that when he's on the phone with G'ma, he should ask her about what kind of life ED is living and if she's even out of prison. difficult child got a little upset with me and made a comment about how everyone always says that ED is a bad person. (Do you think that if it's coming from so many people that MAYBE it's true???) I replied that I've never said she was a bad person. She just continually makes very bad decisions regarding her life. difficult child then said something about how he's waited 18 years to see her again. When I corrected him on the time line, he adjusted it but said that he hadn't seen her since he was taken from her. I just looked at him and said, "Yes, when you were taken from her for YOUR WELL BEING." and walked away.

    This is so NOT a good idea in so many ways. I emailed G'ma to give her a heads up but what can I do. In just under an hour he will be 18 and legally can do this. But to tell him that legal or not, it's simply not a good idea? That would only tick him off and make him want to do it even more. He's stated for a couple of years now that when he's 18, he is going to move back to his real family's area. (They live almost 2 hours away) I will do anything I can to prevent this but honestly there's not a lot I can do if he gets it into his head to do.

    I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. I always knew this would be a distinct possibility but now that it's here I'm a bit freaked.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My difficult child 1 was a little younger, and BM's rights were never terminated, she just "disappeared", but would occassionally reappear at different points thru his life. I was always afraid the lure of the unknown would get the better of him when he turned 18, but I never tried to stop it. When she'd call after 18 months of absence and invite him to some new sibling's birthday party, I'd take him. Then she'd be gone for months at a time again. I figured even if the "draw" was there, nature would take its course with her.

    So far, it has. She didn't bother to show up at his high school graduation (15 miles away) but flew 1000 miles to see him graduate from MCRD. Cold doesn't begin to describe how difficult child acted towards her. And to my knowledge, he hasn't spoke to her since.

    The age is a little difference, but I guess i'd be supportive of his curiosity, and let him find out for himself what she's like. Would have been nice to been able to do it younger, when you had some ability to control, but this is where you are now.

    Love him. Be the bigger person. i bet he'll know who mom is in the end.
  3. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Not sure what to tell you, but wife is adopted. Her BM was 16 when she was born, and wife was taken straight from the delivery room to her adoptive parents. BM never even saw her as a newborn.

    There came a day, though, early in our marriage when wife decided she wanted to look up her bio parents. Health reasons, genetics, many reasons. But primarily, it was curiosity that got her sniffing for more. Her dad is great, and is a better man than I will ever be. He was worried about wife talking to her bio's, but in the end let his 20-something daughter make her own decisions.

    wife met her bio parents. They were nice. Found out how wife "came to be"; teen love/lust, her 15yo mom gets to "visit" her aunt in another state for a year (8 months, actually), then come back home. Nobody's the wiser. Only, that episode ruined her bio mom. Her bio dad never even knew she existed. Like I said, they were nice, but in the end they were no threat to wife's real dad, the man who raised her.

    It took a lot of guts for her dad to give her the info to contact her bio's; a lot of guts, and a lot of trust. But, just as wife finally put to rest her curiosity about her bio parents, her Dad finally got to put to rest his worry about being surplanted by the ghosts from wife's past. He was her Dad, and by selflessly letting wife explore her past, he was only confirmed in that role more solidly than before.

    Does that mean you should help your difficult child with his BM, or worry (or not worry) about the outcome? I don't know, and wouldn't hazard to guess. I just wanted to pass on that while you're probably seeing the worst that could happen, know that good can come from such events, too.

    Hope that helps in some small way.

  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    My difficult child is adopted. When she was growing up I just always knew she would search out her bio's. I can't really describe what or how I felt, I just knew I felt odd about it. I never felt threatened with the thought and figured had *I* been adopted, that I too would be curious. So the need to search is very understandable to me.

    I often wondered as my difficult child was growing up, if she noticed that she didn't look like the rest of us, if she noticed that her temperament and interests were different? I can understand a persons need to connect on a human level to another human being. Our difficult child was polar opposite from the rest of us. I always felt badly about that. Of course we love our difficult child, but there is a difference, an understanding with our bio children that we don't have with our difficult child.

    One thing thankfully, I never did and I caution you about is to never, ever, ever talk in a disparaging way about his bio's. My difficult child's bio's were both in jail, CPS took another child from them, just never seemed to get their act together, plenty of negative stuff. We never spoke about it to or around our children.

    My difficult child did get to meet her bio mother. I am glad she did! She looks, thinks, talks and acts like her, they share an interest in music and writing and many other things. My difficult child is ambivalent about their meeting now. She's happy that she did, but she can't stand her bio mom because guess why??????????????????????????? According to my difficult child, THEY ARE EXACTLY ALIKE!

    Let your son be. Let him explore who he is and where he came from. It won't hurt him, I promise. He is 18 and you have parented him all you can. His bio mom can't take anything from you, YOU ARE HIS MOTHER. Give your son the best 18th birthday gift you can give him............... your blessings (with a happy heart) to seek out his bio mom. Help him get a phone number, address, etc. Your son can call more than one person mom, but that doesn't negate the mothering that you have done. Your son KNOWS who his REAL mother is.
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I believe that kt will be looking to call biomom as soon as possible. When she or wm ask now why they cannot call bio mom or sibs I have simply told them the truth - this is all court ordered. The judge made the decisions for our family & the rest of the tweedles bio family because apparently bio mom couldn't or wouldn't.

    There has been a period of time when questioned, that tdocs simply told the tweedles that if bio mom had been making good & safe parenting decisions it would be a moot point - they would still be with bio mom. That has generally ended the conversation. Thankfully, it has taken any judgements or feelings I have toward bio mom on behalf of kt & wm off my shoulders.

    When kt has asked I tell her that I bet that she has bio mom gorgeous eyes & hair; and her talent for music & crafts. (kt just beams at that kind of talk)

    I will support kt in her search for bio mom. I will, however, not allow bio mom to destroy all the years of therapy - all the years of "growth & improvement" to explain herself to them.

    I've already, as kt & wm's parents, shredded letters addressed to kt & wm. They were marked confidential & not to be opened until the age of 21. Guess what - my home, my children. I opened those letters & was appalled at the lack of responsibility this woman had taken as to why kt, wm & 2 more bio sibs didn't live with her. I shared these letters with attachment tdocs - didn't give him copies. I let him know that these letters were not going to undo any good we had done over the years. I was shredding them.

    therapist agreed with me. If I'm damned, so be it. There are just some things that cannot be allowed to happen if I have my say.

    I'm sorry - this is an emotionally charged situation. mustang, when our children are adopted at an older age, out of foster care - you know there was no "loving adoption plan" in place. This was a search & rescue mission.

    You've done your part. You've been & are an exceptional warrior mum. Nothing bio mum says or alludes to, can undo the foundation you have laid down for your difficult child.

    Let us know how it goes. I'm always watching you & others as the tweedles are a few years behind.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    My daughter knows her biomom. It was never an issue for me. She's MY daughter. She knows that. No person can be loved too much. Her biomom may have stunk at motherhood, is an alcoholic but she loves her kid. No one can be loved too much or by too many is my opinion.

    I would not want my daughter to see her biomom alone, however. I don't trust the woman to not make inappropriate comments. Not out of any meanness but simply because she is who she is and while my daughter will be 21 soon, she is still very young and doesn't need nor deserve any guilt trips by biomom.

    Most adopted children have fantasies about their bio family. Many times, it takes the reality of seeing and hearing to let those fantasies go. Your son has heard a lot of negatives about his biomom. It makes him want to be her savior. This is a hard one to get by -- for him and for those who love him.

    As you said, he'll be 18 and you can't legally stop him. The best you can do is guide him, let him know you'll be there for him and support his decisions the best you can. Saying negative things about his biomom are simply going to make him want to protect her even more.

    Best scenario, he'll see her and be satisfied. Worst case, he'll be sucked into her life and make the same bad decisions she has. The most likely is that he will go there, stay with her awhile and see that there is nothing he can do to save her and come back home. Let's hope that is the path he will take.

    Does anyone have any idea how biomom feels about his coming to visit? You can hope she has the decency and common sense to simply meet him but not allow more than that.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. It really is hard to watch our children make a decision we know is truly bad for them. Sometimes those bad decisions help our children grow, sometimes they just hurt. Hopefully, this one will help him become a better adult.
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I don't know how she feels about my difficult child specifically but to give you an idea on how this woman thinks....

    At one point during the time when she still either had her kids or was in the midst of court, her sister and brother in law were fighting to get the 3 kids. (they eventually did but that was a whole other story in itself) Egg donor flat out told her sister "Go ahead and take my kids. I'll just make more."

    Also, according to G'ma, ED made a comment around the time that difficult child's next oldest sib turned 18. She said something about how another one of her kids was 18 and she wondered how long it would be before she heard from her. It was like her whole attitude was that even though she was a horrible mother and allowed or did awful things to her kids, they were going to come back to her in the end and she would be there waiting to recieve them like a Queen with her court. G'ma asked her if she honestly thought that was a good idea given the way that ED is living.

    Egg donor is a huge difficult child in her own right. Drugs, alcohol, sex, lack of responsibility, above the law.....the whole shebang. Last I knew, she was still with the father of her last child (and this child is still with her) and still up to her old tricks. According to G'ma, this guy isn't that great either. He also drinks to excess, drugs and I suspect, isn't the most non-violent person on the planet. A few years ago, ED was spotted at a gas staion by the police. The cops are very familiar with her and knew that at that time, she wasn't supposed to be driving due to a suspended license. They tried to pull her over and she led them on a low speed chase to her house. Apparently she figured that if she got home with H (the child she still has), the cops wouldn't take H away from her. When she finally stopped, the police surrounded her vehicle with guns drawn......keep in mind that H was in the vehicle too and was only about 3 or 4 at the time. The also found drugs and paraphanelia in the vehicle but somehow, she STILL HAS CUSTODY OF THIS CHILD! I honestly don't know why this is so and I don't know why this woman isn't doing some major time.

    Supposedly, she knows that G'ma knows where difficult child is and that she still has contact with him. She's never asked about him although I don't know if that's because she knows G'ma won't tell her anything or because she figures that once he's 18 he'll come running back to her. Honestly about the only positive thing I can say about this woman is that she makes pretty babies.

    The problem I have with this whole situation isn't the typical adoptive parent scared of losing their adoptive child. It's that I KNOW that if he visits or lives with her, it's going to **** him into her drug induced, fantasy laced world. difficult child doesn't have the best sense of right or wrong to begin with and for him to go to the woman that used to use him and his siblings to steal.....I'm sure you get the idea. I'm just hoping that once he sees her, he'll lose the really thick rose colored glasses that he wears in regards to her. But then again, who knows. She's not going to have the same rules and expectations that husband and I have of him. No rules there vs. rules and expectations of being a functioning, productive member of society here really isn't going to be a contest.

    Linda, you hit the nail on the head with the explanations. That's the same thing we've told difficult child over the years. At the time, it was the best we could do. Now, I have started second guessing ourselves over that. We were always told to not badmouth the birth parents as the kids could see this as an extension to themselves. I understand that concept, I do. But now, after years of difficult child hearing that it is the judge's decision that BM can't see him, he has completely altered his memories of that time. I know she's his mother, he spent years in her custody and loves her. But he just doesn't seem to remember the horrible parts.

    I even had the brief thought of a restraining order go through my head. I'm sure though, that there isn't a legitimate reason to get one and that would just make things worse between difficult child and us. If he was more mature I wouldn't worry so much. Then I would know that he would see her for what she really is and not be influenced. But with the level he's at.......like Linda said, I worry that she's going to undo any positives that we've accomplished with him.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. I can feel the love and worry and fear in your post. I do not have any advice, or any experience. I will say prayers that this does not derail your son's progress or the rest of his life.


  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, this seems like a lesson he is going to have to learn for himself. ED sounds like an egotistical witch who will be thrilled to have him in her life - long enough to steal something from him to get drunk or high with.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Drats - I had this great long well thought out post typed to you about what kids think about absentee parents and well -it got violently inhaled into space.

    To shorten my lengthy are dramatic post - You may or may not remember or know about Dude's relationship with his biofather. The man is evil. He abused us both and still to this day has never given up drugs, alcohol or women. He is a self medicating bi-polar and a violent man who's actions make any psychopathic personality look tame in comparison. I was most recently told that he answers to a different master. Know what I mean??

    He left my son in a crack house in a neighborhood like little Cuba in Miami - awful place. Cops won't even patrol it. My son was basically "traded" for rock cocaine, molested and then possible molested by his father.

    You would think a child would have the same feelings I do about this troll. IF he ever crosses my path I will skin him with my bare hands. You would think after what he did to Dude - he would feel the same.

    So this was 11, almost 12 years ago. And recently it was brought to my attention that his FATHER has nothing to live for. And I asked if he really wanted a relationship with that person and he screamed in my face "WOULD THAT BE SO BAD?" and I just lost it. I left the house to avoid hearing any more "in your face mom" attitude about how he has called his biofathers family, and they are just as manipulative as he is - but they told Dude "Your Father is a likeable person, he's really nice and funny, kind. He just has a little drug problem." ~ I'm sorry 35k in a month is NOT a little drug problem, beating your wife and then torturing her is not a problem it's an abomination - beating your 4 year old son and abusing him and trading him for drugs - IS not a "little" drug problem.

    But therapy prevails and I do my best every day to forget more and more and forgive on my own terms what a horrible person he is. And try to help and sacrifice for Dude and his mental health and this is what I get? ......


    Our psychiatrist told us that the absentee parent almost always gets the pedestal. They aren't there to dish out consequences and in a child's mind they know that they are genetically 1/2 you and 1/2 biodad. He knows that you left this man because he was making more and more poor choices - so in a way the child may feel connected to him. The child can always fantasize about their time away, their reunion, their impending grief of years and years gone bye, and in their minds the absentee parent is almost a demi-god. They have played out the fantasy in their childs minds so long - it just HAS to be like an afterschool special movie where everyone is reunited and lives happily ever after.

    It has NOTHING to do with how we raised them - it's just in their minds.

    And like you - I know that when Dude is 18 (old magic 18) he thinks he's going to visit dear old crack head, alcoholic dad and maybe the old man will set him up with that trust fund he has surely been keeping for him, or a super nice new truck - not like the piece of cr#ap Mom could offer him - I mean it doesn't mean a thing to him that biomoron never sent me or him a thin dime - he IS his Father - and would it be so bad if he had a relationship? (I shudder to think) and I worry mostly that what is ingrained in his DNA will find a niche with these loathsome people. That's what gets me - I KNOW what they are - I've been in therapy 11 years to forget them. And now my son wants to go running, screaming "TAKE ME BACK" as if he was thrown out and has right all the wrongs in life - for them to humbly need him in the clan.

    My best hope - ? That he's had enough years with me and DF and therapy to see what they really are and not really want anything to do with them after that initial OMG IT's MY SON.....MY SON - I hope his freakin tongue falls out.

    My worst nightmare - That he finds his niche - I think at that point I'll need suicide hotline, prayer and the second coming.

    I hope he sees the eggscrambler for what she is - oh and FYI - these people always have a way of skirting the law - they know more information on worse and higher up drug dealers and so they make deals and always seem to come out on top. Like a rose dipped in poop.

    Understanding - even if I'm from OH-HI
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    It's gonna hurt. Detach, detach, detach. You gave him all the tools he needs to be a proper young man. Now he decides whether to use the tools or leave them in the box.

    The thing is, the box will always be there. No matter what happens when he meets ED, he will always have those tools at his disposal. He may leave them in the box for awhile, maybe even let them get dusty, but they will always be there. You can't undo that.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Well, difficult child just got off the phone with his G'ma. Ironically enough, ED was just released today from jail and is now on work release/house arrest complete with ankle bracelet.

    While I am now in possession of ED's phone number (courtesy of G'ma), difficult child was advised by G'ma to wait a couple of weeks. G'ma is supposed to go to ED's house soon and while there she will talk to ED, feel her out and see what's what. G'ma did talk to her today actually. ED had called her and asked that if she talked to the kids (difficult child and one of his sister's have the same birthday but 3 years apart), to wish them a happy birthday.

    I think that when difficult child calls her, I'm going to have him do it from his cell phone. As uncomfortable as I am with him simply talking to her, I'm REALLY uncomfortable with the idea of her having our home number. (Plus it's cheaper and I can keep track of how often they are in contact)

    I'm still not at all fine with this whole situation but I feel a bit better after talking to G'ma and her telling difficult child to let her talk to ED first. G'ma will give me updates and let me know how ED reacts to the idea.
  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    First, let me say Holy $%^*&*()(! Eeeesh.

    You have my complete respect and admiration for getting the ^&** out of there.


    Yeah, you Bucks have good things to say every now and again. :tongue::tongue: