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difficult child's 17th birthday
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 261999" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Well Happy Belated Birthday to your son!</p><p> </p><p>I see you've gotten a lot of great advice from others here who have been where you are. I think the hardest part about taking anyone elses advice is not telling yourself "well MY /OUR situation is SOoooo much different" or thinking "Oh they don't understand my situation." </p><p> </p><p>One thing I can tell you as a person who allowed herself to be abused severely in marriage and a survior of severe PTSD? I went to counseling, and after Dude was out of the house it just seemed to me for my DF things went lickity split back to normal. He almost seemed to be happier and enjoy life more. Unbeknown to me; that just added to my frustration. Actually it just flat out made me angry at him. - Sounds kinda silly now for being angry at someone for being happy, but then again NOTHING seemed normal in our house for such a long time. </p><p> </p><p>When I told this to the counselor he cracked a smile and told me that often people who survive traumatic experiences like war, abuse, rape, and children like ours who bring stress into our home every day can become angry at anyone who is happy. WE get so used to the turmoil and chaos in our homes day after day that we're literally afraid to let down our guard and enjoy the peace for fear that it will come back - and then we'll be soft and unable to deal with the problems MORE when they return. </p><p> </p><p> OR that we have gotten SO SO used to the chaos and turmoil we actually prefer living that way. I think that is a good definition for dysfunctional. So the key here is to begin enjoying life. How do you do that when your child is failing your expectations or even your most basic wants for him? It's hard. It took a lot of therapy and talking through my "But my situation is different." with our therapist. I found out a lot of things about myself, I learned how to turn off the "Oh here let me FIX FIX FIX that for you button in my head." I learned how to understand that at 16,17,18 my son really wasn't that far away from becoming a young man who NEEDED to get life experiences to either change his way of thinking OR let him suffer the consequences. </p><p> </p><p>The alternative is pretty clear. You can choose to let go, and let him pick himself up so he gets some skills, dignity and self-worth and worth of what the things he's destroyed in your home are. Or you can continue to be one of those Moms who has a son living with her, in and out of jail because he never got to suffer consequences or hardships of life when he was younger because YOU always stepped in and fixed things for him. I was told to envision me being my x-mother in law. OMG - that was enough - but sadly the therapist was right. I could be 70 and have a 50 year old "man" living in my house unable to hold a job, unable to have a relationship with a person, unable to do the simplest things on his own like manage money to have a home, car, insurance etc. The thought of having Dude disrupting my home for the next 30 years was enough to make me DESIRE to change myself to not be so enmeshed in his life. </p><p> </p><p>ANd yeah - I know - It's NEVER been easy - he's missed out on so much, you've missed out on so much with him. There's a lot of sad sad stories here for various reasons, but what got me is that the advice is so similar regarding the best thing to do with older kids - 16,17.18.....it's too similar not to be good advice. </p><p> </p><p>I would tell you about the last 12 years of Dudes life - where at 10 - I couldn't see him for Christmas because his behavior was so out of control the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said no visit. I could tell you about only have 3 christmas times with him in the last 12 years. Or two birthdays......he never played sports, he was never in a school activity, he was in the state mental hospital at age 6 for threatening to kill someone, or how he's been in and out of institutions and group homes - was facing jail 17 years the first time at 16, and 30 years the second.....or how it broke my heart to put him out of my house for good at 16 because if I hadn't one of us would be dead. It hasn't been easy on top of all the unpleasant things I tried to do his entire life to get him to behave. </p><p> </p><p>NONE of it meant I didn't love my son. Finding my own happiness NEVER meant I didn't still love him, it meant that I loved him enough to find and work on being the best person I could be so that I truly set a good example of how to overcome heartache in life. THAT"s the message I want to send to my son - THAT's the message that he witnessed when he did come around, THAT's the message that he'll take with him into adulthood - not to sit around and be sorrowful when things don't go our way. </p><p> </p><p>I hope there is some pearl in here that helps you. If you aren't in counseling for yourself? Find a good thearpist that you can talk to and go and convince him you dont' need help. It will improve your outlook on life, it will improve your feeling of self-worth, you'll learn how to draw and establish boundaries, and the first time you use something you were taught in therapy and apply it to life? You'll be so proud of yourself you won't believe the person that you've began a foundation to build on for your future and for your son to witness and model. </p><p> </p><p>I wish you the best.......</p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>STar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 261999, member: 4964"] Well Happy Belated Birthday to your son! I see you've gotten a lot of great advice from others here who have been where you are. I think the hardest part about taking anyone elses advice is not telling yourself "well MY /OUR situation is SOoooo much different" or thinking "Oh they don't understand my situation." One thing I can tell you as a person who allowed herself to be abused severely in marriage and a survior of severe PTSD? I went to counseling, and after Dude was out of the house it just seemed to me for my DF things went lickity split back to normal. He almost seemed to be happier and enjoy life more. Unbeknown to me; that just added to my frustration. Actually it just flat out made me angry at him. - Sounds kinda silly now for being angry at someone for being happy, but then again NOTHING seemed normal in our house for such a long time. When I told this to the counselor he cracked a smile and told me that often people who survive traumatic experiences like war, abuse, rape, and children like ours who bring stress into our home every day can become angry at anyone who is happy. WE get so used to the turmoil and chaos in our homes day after day that we're literally afraid to let down our guard and enjoy the peace for fear that it will come back - and then we'll be soft and unable to deal with the problems MORE when they return. OR that we have gotten SO SO used to the chaos and turmoil we actually prefer living that way. I think that is a good definition for dysfunctional. So the key here is to begin enjoying life. How do you do that when your child is failing your expectations or even your most basic wants for him? It's hard. It took a lot of therapy and talking through my "But my situation is different." with our therapist. I found out a lot of things about myself, I learned how to turn off the "Oh here let me FIX FIX FIX that for you button in my head." I learned how to understand that at 16,17,18 my son really wasn't that far away from becoming a young man who NEEDED to get life experiences to either change his way of thinking OR let him suffer the consequences. The alternative is pretty clear. You can choose to let go, and let him pick himself up so he gets some skills, dignity and self-worth and worth of what the things he's destroyed in your home are. Or you can continue to be one of those Moms who has a son living with her, in and out of jail because he never got to suffer consequences or hardships of life when he was younger because YOU always stepped in and fixed things for him. I was told to envision me being my x-mother in law. OMG - that was enough - but sadly the therapist was right. I could be 70 and have a 50 year old "man" living in my house unable to hold a job, unable to have a relationship with a person, unable to do the simplest things on his own like manage money to have a home, car, insurance etc. The thought of having Dude disrupting my home for the next 30 years was enough to make me DESIRE to change myself to not be so enmeshed in his life. ANd yeah - I know - It's NEVER been easy - he's missed out on so much, you've missed out on so much with him. There's a lot of sad sad stories here for various reasons, but what got me is that the advice is so similar regarding the best thing to do with older kids - 16,17.18.....it's too similar not to be good advice. I would tell you about the last 12 years of Dudes life - where at 10 - I couldn't see him for Christmas because his behavior was so out of control the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said no visit. I could tell you about only have 3 christmas times with him in the last 12 years. Or two birthdays......he never played sports, he was never in a school activity, he was in the state mental hospital at age 6 for threatening to kill someone, or how he's been in and out of institutions and group homes - was facing jail 17 years the first time at 16, and 30 years the second.....or how it broke my heart to put him out of my house for good at 16 because if I hadn't one of us would be dead. It hasn't been easy on top of all the unpleasant things I tried to do his entire life to get him to behave. NONE of it meant I didn't love my son. Finding my own happiness NEVER meant I didn't still love him, it meant that I loved him enough to find and work on being the best person I could be so that I truly set a good example of how to overcome heartache in life. THAT"s the message I want to send to my son - THAT's the message that he witnessed when he did come around, THAT's the message that he'll take with him into adulthood - not to sit around and be sorrowful when things don't go our way. I hope there is some pearl in here that helps you. If you aren't in counseling for yourself? Find a good thearpist that you can talk to and go and convince him you dont' need help. It will improve your outlook on life, it will improve your feeling of self-worth, you'll learn how to draw and establish boundaries, and the first time you use something you were taught in therapy and apply it to life? You'll be so proud of yourself you won't believe the person that you've began a foundation to build on for your future and for your son to witness and model. I wish you the best....... Hugs & Love STar [/QUOTE]
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