difficult child's mouth can make you see red

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Oct 13, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    When my difficult child argues with me and the stuff she says and the way she says it like I am beneath her, I am dog sh*t on her shoe, it makes me the angriest I've ever been in my life. I could do horrible, horrible things when she does this. She has no idea how far she has pushed me to the point where i understand why some animals eat their young. I never had such blind rage before in my life. She doesn't understand she has bullied me and taunted me for years and eventually a person does snap. I am so sorry for writing such strong words, it just happened and I am reeling. I wish I could post a recording of it because I could almost guarantee you, none of you all ever seen a difficult child this bad with the mouth and I say that knowing you all have seen close to everything. I am telling you, blind, blind rage of the nastiness and vulgarities that fly out of her mouth and in rapid succession which last for a LONG time and the WAY she says it....I'm telling you guys, I'm out of my mind right now. She just doesn't know when to stop and how much she is damaging any relationship I would ever want to have with her once I'm gone. She's about to hit the REAL reality ladies, real soon. Her world is about to change real soon and she is going to come begging back to me and I can't wait to be able to "gently hang up the phone". I'm sorry , I know I should not be resentful or angry in my future dealings with her, but I'm sorry, that's a task that is too tall for me. I am going to be ANGRY with her for a LONG time and she is going to have to come back crawling on her hands and knees if she ever wants me in her life again. She has said enough to me to traumatize me for 10 lifetimes. It's nothing for her anymore to keep throwing my sexual abuse up in my face time and time again, mocking me for it, saying it was my fault...just to hurt me. What kind of anger would that put into you all?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, trust me. Whatever she said, it isn't the worst. It is probably up there with many of our difficult child's who wish we'd die or who said they'd kill us.Collectively, I'm sure we've heard it all...enough to make a porn star blush.

    You are human and this is your child. Of course you are angry at her. I made my son leave the house for that and physical aggression. It can easily escalate to that. I've never felt guilty about it either. I felt bad about it...that it had come to that...and sad that is this way, but not guilty. It was not only intolerable to me, but to everyone else at home. I felt much, much worse making Julie leave for drug use because I knew that, in her heart, she was a very good person and she never talked that way to me, even while high.

    I don't have the same pride in 36 that I have for my other kids. I love him with all my heart, but I don't like him. The truth is, I would refuse to even know him or anyone like him if he weren't my son. I enjoy my other kids. Not him.

    Maybe it would help if you refused to listen to her abuse. Either leave the house and take a drive or go into your room, lock the door, and put on music and blast it in your ears. If she gets violent, call the cops....again. Or just make her leave. Really, I doubt if she knows squat about eviction laws. My son didn't or he would have gotten back into the house. Most kids have no clue about eviction laws. Unless you're a renter or rent, how do you know about eviction laws? I didn't know about them either when I tossed out 36.
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  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I can't take this anymore. It's 2:00 in the morning and she's still not home, which is not unusual. But she has her first GED class in the morning and if she misses this, she is getting her car stripped away from her. Especially all the whoopla she has built around getting her GED. I mean it's every freaking day with this kid. I can't take her anymore.
  4. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    It's time for her to move out and make it on her own.
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    So, just now, I wake her up to go to class, she screams "I'm not going because you woke me UP! It's none of your business and you're walking around here all high and mighty when YOU made me drop out of school, get the **** outta here, I'm not going!" Then I tell her I am taking the car,I grab the keys, she goes looks for them, wrestles the phone out of my hand, hurts my wrists and lightly scratches my wrist in the process, she thinks better of it because she knows my neighbors are listening now so she stops that. Wait, it gets better, she then calls social security and filed a report on me saying I spend all my SS money buying drugs. I have this all on video mind you.


    She blames me FOR EVERYTHING and it's easy to say not to care or pay attention to it, but in her mind it gives her great amo to do what she does to me.

    I can't believe she even tried to use the excuse of not going to class because I woke her up to go. Umm no, it's because you stayed out until almost 3:00 in the morning GIRL!
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    and the worst part about it is, I had to call my b*tch sister in law to explain to her what happened because difficult child tries to lie to everyone and also sis in law is the one who woke up bright and early to help enroll difficult child to GED class because difficult child didn't want me to do it. My sis in law is a b*tch and I hate that she has to hear all of this, but I'm sick of it. At least difficult child got to hear me tell her and it kind of put her in her place which is why I called to begin with. UNREAL!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, the sooner she is gone the better.

    Stop paying for anything for her. She not only doesn't appreciate it, she berates you because of your kindness...and she does it to gaslight you and to be mean. You shouldn't have to hear this or put up with it. If this were my kid, she would be told to get her attitude adjusted or she had a month to three months to make arrangements because she was leaving. If she wastes those months and doesn't get a job or find somebody willing to take her in, then give her a list of shelters and food pantries when she leaves. If it comes to that she has made the decision that being able to smack talk you every single day, stay out all night without telling you where she is, and being unemployed/uneducated is more important to her than a roof over her head in your house. SHE has made the decision. You gave her options to avoid it.

    You can't force her to get her GED, but you can make it a condition of living under your roof.

    I wouldn't bother trying to justify yourself to your relatives. They'll learn. It may be slowly, but they will learn. You have enough on your plate without trying to convince your relatives that you tried, but...it's too tiring and usually doesn't work anyway.

    We can tell you this over and over again, but, just like our adult kids, you are the one who has to put yourself out of your misery. We can't do it for you.

    Hugs and hope you have a good day.
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  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I know, I am just venting. I need to hear this as much as possible because it is getting close to crunch time where she is out on her own. That process is not stopping, it just taking a long time, slowly but surely its in the works. But in the meantime, this is what happens and I need to vent about it. It makes me so damn sad guys. I hate THIS! I love her so very much, my world and would do anything for her and it came down to THIS?? TO THIS??? What kind of terrible life is this??? It is because of our past that she acts like this. The people who caused all this anger and then mother and daughter turn against each other AND IT'S NOT RIGHT! It should be us against the world. I am devastated right now. I can't take this.
  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    You living together really sounds like toxic for both of you.

    What is your timetable for getting her out? Have you talk with her about the need to live separately and how does she feel about it?

    If you have plan in motion to get her out, and timetable is manageable, I would try to just avoid conflict till that. Let things slide and not confronting her, if that is, what is safest for both of you.

    Is there any way possible to make her want to get out? To sell getting her out from your place as something she actually wants to do for her?
  10. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    The time table is the end of December. I am trying desperately to avoid conflict, just not working. The closer it gets, the more the pressure builds. And oh yes, I've told her time and time again about her moving out, she knows and that's why the pressure is building. And nothing will get her out of here, no bribing her. She knows she has it good here but she can't help herself from acting this way. Free ride will be over real soon and I can't wait. She has had it her way for too long. You can have your way at Burger King now little girl because that's the only way you'll get your way in this world.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Oh I have had the pleasure of hearing some doozies from mine. Yesterday I was told that it was my parenting that made her turn out the way she is. Maybe so, but then why isn't my other one like her? She just raised an eyebrow at me. I, too, am sick and tired of being treated like dog poo on the bottom of her shoe. I ask her to do something and either she doesn't do it or half-a**es it. Yet her friends need something and she is right there in a snap. Maybe these friends need to support her and her child!

    Sorry, highjacked your thread and ended up venting myself.

    I understand!! I am going to have to end up evicting my daughter and grandchild and that hurts my heart more than anything in the entire world...only because of him. She has treated me to the point of not giving a hoot where she ends up.
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Oh no, please vent patriotsgirl! It makes me feel so much less alone. It kills my heart also that I am going to have to evict my daughter. I am in a deep depression right now, can't get anything done that I was going to do today, because my thoughts are forcing me to think "The whole family and everyone who knows you are going to laugh at you at the final straw of your demise and that is the disaster of you and your daughters relationship. All your friends and family can officially look down on you now, who are we kidding, they ALREADY DO AND HAVE FOR A LONG TIME, but this will certainly put the final nail in the coffin." I am sick of seeing everyone else winning, but us. My daughter is killing me little by little. I do not want to throw her out but she is leaving me NO choice. I don't want our family to see me throw my daughter out because then they win. I don't want to throw out my daughter because I don't want her to be unsafe or unwanted. But what can I do? I need someone to help me with these feelings man because I am going to lose it.
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way, only I don't give a hoot what anyone else thinks. It is our situation, not theirs.

    I am so so so pained. This is killing me and only because of my one year old grandson. Throwing them out is the LAST thing in the world I want to do, but SHE is not giving me any options and that is truly breaking my heart. I would not allow anyone else to come in to my home, call me names, make a mess and leave it all while paying for their car, insurance, cell, etc to drive around to hang out with friends. This is insane. All because I am so tied to that precious little boy...
  14. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    You are not alone. Though we are just getting into it. We are, voluntarily, inviting our difficult child to live with us for unspecific time to recover. It will not be pleasant. Him under our roof is not that pleasant even in best circumstances (for specific time and when he is doing well) and it will likely be something totally different, and worse, in current circumstances. He will absolutely turn our currently rather peaceful and easy going household upside down to total chaos and arguing, high strung mess.

    If we are lucky, it will be short term and he recovers and has drive to get himself out in timely matter. If we are not, well... we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    PatriotsGirl, I am so very, very sorry it has come to this with you. And GM, you are still in my thoughts.

    Patriot's Girls is right. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about what you do. Don't listen, if you don't want to hear. Stay away from your phone. Tell your relatives that you will gladly talk to them, but that the topic of your daughter is too hurtful so you are setting a boundary and the boundary is that nobody can talk to you about it or you will need to get off the phone, or leave, or whatever-you-are-doing-get-out-of-there. Then enforce it. This is not about them. This is about you and is between only you and your daughter.

    Your daughter knows darn well she isn't unwanted and she knows darn well why she is being evicted. She, like most difficult children, don't care one bit about how you feel or your being abused/attacked in your own house. Normal kids or young adult kids do care. They do not go this far. They are capable of following rulesk. Our difficult children get into trouble because THEY HATE RULES. They rebel against anyone who tells them what to do. That's why they don't want to work or go to school. They want NOBODY to be the boss over them. It is their own problem. Yet they want money and everything hard working people get and they want it from us. In their eyes, we are mommy and daddy, like we were to them as toddlers and we owe them all their wants and needs. How selfish they are!

    Their lives will be horrible if THEY don't change their attitudes because this is not a world in which you can do whatever you want to do and still thrive. Society has rules. Families have rules too, mostly just simple societal norms. We don't ask much of our kids. Just...don't hit me, don't swear at me, don't steal, don't keep your room a pigsty, and either get a full time job (even at McDonald's) or go to school full time and pass your classes. That is not expecting much. It's the minimum in any family that is even close to average in the United States. It is them who are out of step, rebellious, surly, mean, and unreasonable...it isn't us.

    Did you speak to your mother that way? Live with her without working and sleeping all day at her age? I think not. Would your mother have put up with it? I think not.

    Guide Me, we are here to support you. Your re3latives don't live with difficult children. They are clueless. Don't let fear of their words stop you from finding peace in your home. They want to take her in? Let them. She'll be out in three weeks and they'll have shut up. She isn't going to treat them any better long-term than she treats you.

    Hugs to both of you. From one who knows first hand, it is very hard to realize your adult child has turned into somebody you would not choose to know if that child were not yours. It's a very bitter pill. It is very sad. Very hurtful.

    But it is what it is.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    You hit the nail on the head. I truly cannot stand her as a person. I would have nothing to do with her if she was not my daughter. How sad.
  17. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    GM --- I have experienced similar. I have reacted similarly (as you). It got so toxic for me it took me into a bleeding ulcer. DONE! We did boot our difficult child out (at age 16). We have tried a couple of times to have him back for short periods of time, but it just never works for very long. But I cannot and WILL not continue to live in that toxic state. Can't do it, won't do it, haven't done it, not gonna do it ever again. It just got to that point where I no longer gave a damn what anyone thought. It was killing me......literally eating my insides out. Forget that! I WANT TO LIVE!

    PatriotsGirl --- I can relate to your story and your responses, as well. Our difficult child is doing fine at the moment, but, well.....we all know how things can go ballistic pronto.

    SuZir ---- Feel like I'm jumping into this late. Did your difficult child have some sort of accident? Hopefully recovery time is fast so your stressful, living together time is short.

    MWM --- Yep, yep, yep and yep!

    GM ----- When I was in the thick of things (like you are now with your difficult child living there), I was a mess. It's like trying to hang onto an electric fence for years. It's just that jolting. When we booted difficult child out, it was basically during a police call and there was no thought to it at all. I'd just hit my limit. I didn't care who saw it (police and all). And then difficult child was gone..........and I could breathe. Breathe. Forget walking on egg shells in my own home. Within 2-3 days, I began to recover. Within a month, I began to feel much more like myself again (the non-PTSD me). Within a year I began to marvel that I lasted as long as I did under the same roof with difficult child. Our relationship with difficult child is pretty good right now (surprisingly), but we are well aware it may not stay good. It's very much moment-to-moment. So we are extra thankful for good moments when they appear, as they may or may not last.

    And now, 8 years down the road, there is life. My relationship with difficult child is better because I set down REALLY strong boundaries. I wasn't born that strong, I had to learn it. And I did. And so are you, GM. I think your anger is a sign of your strength emerging. Your sense of self and survival is solidifying. You are standing up for YOU. That's ok. That's good. That's healthy. You can get YOUR life back.

    I have come to know how critical tangible, clear boundaries are for my life. Especially in my home. I always need a safe place to be. And that should be my home.

    GM ---- My thoughts are with you! Your post really touched me as I can relate to much of it. All I can say here is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep traveling toward that light of non-toxicity. It'll make life better for you and everyone else (including your difficult child).

    SEnding hugs your way!
  18. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    He had an acute mental health crisis. Has been hospitalised now over a week and should be released tomorrow. I have couple threads about this most recent crisis somewhere here in Parent Emeritus, if you are interested for more details.

    His career situation is little shaky just now, but it is clear he will not be able to do his job at least for few weeks, but we really don't know what then. Sports and mental health issues are their own kind of mix, I have to say. However we do hope difficult child's stay will be short for both his and our sake.

    He too left home before he turned 18 and if anything, at least it really helped our relationship with him.

    I very much believe that distant makes dearer when it comes to young adult children. Where I live kids start school later and there are also other reasons kids tend to leave home later than i think most do in US. For example our easy child, who is 18 is still living at home and we expect him to stay two or three more years to fulfil all his obligations before he is ready to head to university for example (or make a go in sports, if that seems possible also for him.) We are okay with that with him, but having young adult, even easy going and well behaving like my easy child, under your roof is stressful. Them moving out and having some distance to them tends to change the relationship for better for most families. With difficult child living with them can be so stressful, that it totally impossible to have any positive relationship with them. When they are out and not causing you so much trouble, you slowly start to remember that there was also good things in them. (And to be honest, it happens also other way around.)

    Guide Me: How about trying to pick some very, very calm moment and try to talk with your daughter about your living situation and you two having to go your separate ways? think what you want to say to her beforehand and stick with that. Try not to blame her (or take all the blame yourself), but stay calm and descriptive rather than argumentative. Maybe even talk with family therapist beforehand and talking about it in therapist office? You really need to get her out, but if you can leave her a feeling that it is also opportunity for her, opportunity to mature, become independent, be her own woman, that really wouldn't hurt.
  19. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    SuZir -- Will be keeping best thoughts for things to go smoothly as possible with your difficult child's healing and everyone's health and happiness. Thanks for enlightening me. And absolutely agree with you on time, space, distance....

    GM --- I don't know your difficult child or if she is often open to calm discussion. But, if she is, I agree that SuZir's possible options are, at the very least, a good place to start.
  20. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Hi guideme. I soooooo can relate to your thread. My difficult child had/has a razor tongue. He could slice me up in seconds with his words. :( but I always forgave him....in time because I love him so much. I did learn to detach and backup emotionally... Occasionally anyway but I couldn't have done it without the people on this site. I don't know your story but I did want you to know there is another mom out here who has been demolished at times by a difficult child tongue. Hope I haven't spoken out of turn but I am sending a hug.