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Distance vs. detachment?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619621" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I thought about all of that as well as I was maneuvering myself through all of this. I think asking those questions is actually a part of the process. I think as we progress, we have to come to terms with our own set of values and our own boundaries against the behaviors that our difficult child's bring to our lives.</p><p></p><p>I do not think that detaching means cutting all ties with our kids. I think that when our kids are younger and as you mentioned show promise of change, show signs of taking responsibility, then it would seem appropriate to stay connected as you observe their commitment and intention to actually make the changes.</p><p></p><p>I also think detachment is more about us then it is about them. It is us determining what our boundaries are around behaviors which harm us, disrespect us, manipulate us, lie to us, lie by omission to us, are abusive or violent to us, in other words, to make sure we are treated with dignity and respect. We would demand that of anyone we are in relationship with. </p><p></p><p>I think our attachments are about control. Once our kids reach adulthood, there is little if anything we can actually do to change them, I think we have to learn to accept that and let go of trying to control their lives. So, much of this process is about us changing. That's all we have the power to do.</p><p></p><p>For me detaching from my daughter means that I have little contact with her right now, but if she were to make some changes in her life where she demonstrated taking responsibility and that she meant to move ahead out of the manipulations of others to get her needs met and wanted to take another path, I would be right there willing to help her. She knows that, I have made that clear. She and I still have limited contact, holidays, email, FB, and occasional face time.................here is the bottom line of that, which I think is important to note, as I set boundaries around the behaviors that harmed me, she is the one who distanced herself from me. I did not make some statement that this is it, you are out of here, all I really did was continue to set boundaries, one step at a time, one day at a time, limiting her actions which hurt me............she is the one who detached physically.</p><p></p><p>As we know, detachment is a process. It is not linear. It is all over the map. It takes so much time because we the parents have to go through so much letting go along the way. </p><p></p><p>Your son is still young. You've begun the process. He will be the one who really initiates how much you detach from him by the behaviors he exhibits with you which do you harm and hurt you. If he changed and goes in a positive direction, you will be right there to assist him. If he doesn't, you will be working on your detaching skill set. It is entirely up to him how he is going to be................you are going to simply be responding to him...........either by moving towards him or by moving away, to protect yourself and your family. If he is going to self destruct, there is nothing you can do.</p><p></p><p>I think checking in with your son once a week is absolutely appropriate. I contact my daughter via email or FB about once a week too..............she rarely if ever responds. For me, the truth is that my daughter usually only gets in touch with me when she needs something. Hard to even say, but it's the truth.</p><p></p><p>Remember BITS, there is no right or wrong way, only your way, what you can live with, what feels right to you. We all do our very best under extraordinary circumstances............</p><p></p><p>Remaining in touch is not enabling. </p><p></p><p>My guideline was always, enabling feels bad, loving kindness feels good. That got me through a lot of the trying to figure it out part. It is not a linear process, I don't think you can figure it out with your mind.............it leads us to acceptance and most of us don't know much about how to do that, it goes against EVERYTHING.</p><p></p><p>Love is always there for our kids, no matter what they do or who they are. However, we may never be able to change who they are or what they do, but we can absolutely change our reactions and responses to them.</p><p></p><p>I think most of us here have some contact with our kids. And, the ones who don't, it is probably because their kids don't want contact with them. I am not sure what "total" detachment is. Detachment is letting go of what we can't control which leads us to acceptance where we truly understand that we cannot change what is, all we can do is learn to live with that uncertainty and be okay with it. We can learn to respond differently. We can learn to accept and be okay with things as they are. </p><p></p><p>You're doing a good job BITS, your inquires are thoughtful, earnest and filled with love for your child. Unfortunately our amazing love for them can't change them, only they can do that. </p><p></p><p>Sending you a truckload of hugs and comforting thoughts................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619621, member: 13542"] I thought about all of that as well as I was maneuvering myself through all of this. I think asking those questions is actually a part of the process. I think as we progress, we have to come to terms with our own set of values and our own boundaries against the behaviors that our difficult child's bring to our lives. I do not think that detaching means cutting all ties with our kids. I think that when our kids are younger and as you mentioned show promise of change, show signs of taking responsibility, then it would seem appropriate to stay connected as you observe their commitment and intention to actually make the changes. I also think detachment is more about us then it is about them. It is us determining what our boundaries are around behaviors which harm us, disrespect us, manipulate us, lie to us, lie by omission to us, are abusive or violent to us, in other words, to make sure we are treated with dignity and respect. We would demand that of anyone we are in relationship with. I think our attachments are about control. Once our kids reach adulthood, there is little if anything we can actually do to change them, I think we have to learn to accept that and let go of trying to control their lives. So, much of this process is about us changing. That's all we have the power to do. For me detaching from my daughter means that I have little contact with her right now, but if she were to make some changes in her life where she demonstrated taking responsibility and that she meant to move ahead out of the manipulations of others to get her needs met and wanted to take another path, I would be right there willing to help her. She knows that, I have made that clear. She and I still have limited contact, holidays, email, FB, and occasional face time.................here is the bottom line of that, which I think is important to note, as I set boundaries around the behaviors that harmed me, she is the one who distanced herself from me. I did not make some statement that this is it, you are out of here, all I really did was continue to set boundaries, one step at a time, one day at a time, limiting her actions which hurt me............she is the one who detached physically. As we know, detachment is a process. It is not linear. It is all over the map. It takes so much time because we the parents have to go through so much letting go along the way. Your son is still young. You've begun the process. He will be the one who really initiates how much you detach from him by the behaviors he exhibits with you which do you harm and hurt you. If he changed and goes in a positive direction, you will be right there to assist him. If he doesn't, you will be working on your detaching skill set. It is entirely up to him how he is going to be................you are going to simply be responding to him...........either by moving towards him or by moving away, to protect yourself and your family. If he is going to self destruct, there is nothing you can do. I think checking in with your son once a week is absolutely appropriate. I contact my daughter via email or FB about once a week too..............she rarely if ever responds. For me, the truth is that my daughter usually only gets in touch with me when she needs something. Hard to even say, but it's the truth. Remember BITS, there is no right or wrong way, only your way, what you can live with, what feels right to you. We all do our very best under extraordinary circumstances............ Remaining in touch is not enabling. My guideline was always, enabling feels bad, loving kindness feels good. That got me through a lot of the trying to figure it out part. It is not a linear process, I don't think you can figure it out with your mind.............it leads us to acceptance and most of us don't know much about how to do that, it goes against EVERYTHING. Love is always there for our kids, no matter what they do or who they are. However, we may never be able to change who they are or what they do, but we can absolutely change our reactions and responses to them. I think most of us here have some contact with our kids. And, the ones who don't, it is probably because their kids don't want contact with them. I am not sure what "total" detachment is. Detachment is letting go of what we can't control which leads us to acceptance where we truly understand that we cannot change what is, all we can do is learn to live with that uncertainty and be okay with it. We can learn to respond differently. We can learn to accept and be okay with things as they are. You're doing a good job BITS, your inquires are thoughtful, earnest and filled with love for your child. Unfortunately our amazing love for them can't change them, only they can do that. Sending you a truckload of hugs and comforting thoughts................ [/QUOTE]
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