No, detachment doesn't mean total cutoff all the time. It's very different in every situation. I had two kids who were asked to leave. One was the child I now call 36 because he was scaring the bejeezus out of me. I seriously thought he'd hit me if I didn't make him leave. He was very intimidating and verbally abusive. We stayed in contact, although he knew he couldn't live with me again. There is a lot more to it, but we rarely saw each other, but stayed in touch. The condition was that he had to be respectful or I'd hang up. This was in the day before cell phones so I never knew for sure where to call him. Contact was up to him. He did initiate it and keep in touch and try to keep his anger in and eventually his father moved up to the area, bought a condo and allowed him to move in there. That made me feel better, like difficult child was safer, but, really, it had been foolish for my ex to have done it. My ex has always been too thin and sickly and difficult child shoved him around a little and was verbally abusive to him too sometimes. But that was their business, not mine. Through the years, he has never lived with me again and certainly can support himself (he has a good job, thankfully in another state now). We talked regularly, but when he gets agitated, he gets abusive and I hang up. Period. Now I must add that me and my husband have no extra money so I am NEVER hit up for money or I'd hang up on THAT too. I do save up and send stuff for my grandson, but 36 makes enough to take care of his needs. So because he is not in my space, and is not asking for money, and is not under pressure right now, we are getting along famously and I don't even have to hang up on him, which was not the case when he was going through a very difficult custody battle for his son (he won 50/50).
When my daughter was asked to leave it was because of drugs, stealing and lying. She was not out of the house long before it became very clear, from reports from her almost sanctimonious, judgmental brother that she was walking to her job and back, helping around the house a lot, and was not even smoking cigarettes, which would have gotten her tossed in the snow (he would have had no mercy at all...one misstep and she would have been gone). Daughter and I started talking, slowly at first, but she turned it around fairly quickly after leaving therefore we never lost contact and things really improved and she went back to college and we were very proud.
My son Scott walked out on the entire family and I haven't seen him for five years. I doubt I'd see him now at all, even if he initiated it. He was so hateful, so hurtful, so God-awful...his leaving the family and what he did to me was so traumatic that I don't think I have it in my heart to ever trust him again. And so much has happened that I don't believe I can forget. He isn't a drug addict. He has never taken drugs or even been drunk in his life. He is uber-religious to the point that I believe he is over-the-wall with it. Yet he is one of the most critical, judgmental, self-righteous, unforgiving people I have ever met and I don't trust him with my heart. He has two children and I don't want to know them because at any time, if he decided to do me the great favor of being in their lives, he could pull them away from me. No thanks. Not playing. It is highly unlikely that we will ever see one another again and the only time I care is when I remember him before all this happened. If I think about the day I decided it was over forever (which he had also decided), I get the chills and I just want to forget it. I tell people I have four children, rather than five, to avoid questions.
Scott was adopted at age six and maybe, in his heart, he never bonded with me the way he would have if he had come sooner. However, he still sees my ex, his dad, and includes him in all sorts of family gatherings. Whatever his real reason for cutting me and his siblings out, and I will never know the truth, I loved him with all my heart and soul, as if I had given birth to him; I would have died for him.
I still love him in a distant, detached way and still feel creepy when I think of all he did to me. He knew how hurtful it was, but he is still doing it. It is shocking to me that he is so hateful because he did not present himself that way until he became an adult. It's like I raised one kid and he turned out to be somebody else. But that detachment is final. One day he will probably feel bad, maybe not, but, if he does, it's over. I'm afraid. I'm spooked. No more.
As you can see, the level of detachment is in the situation. I would never chase after my kids for a crumb of their time. If they don't want to give it to me without strings, then we really have NO relationship anyway. I think it's fine to text once a week and say, "I hope you are doing ok. I love you and am here if you decide to get serious help." But I would not personally offer a dime or to rent a place for him or to give him anything. It is up to him to decide to move out of your parent's house. If he wants to stay there and if they want to enable his horrible behavior, that is really not your problem or issue. Why get him a place to stay by himself when he will probably just get thrown out on your dime or get into more trouble? He assaulted you and is acting as if YOU did something wrong...in my world it just would not happen that he'd get anything from me after that. He's old enough to work. Of course, I am speaking from my own perspective, as we all do, and you have to do what you want to do.
Remember, though, money can't buy you love. You find out who your true loved ones are when you lose everything...many people snub you...they don't really care about you then. The ones who stick around are your true loved ones. Your own son should want to see you because he loves you, whether or not you give him any money. If he won't, then, sadly, he really doesn't want to see you. I know how hurtful it is to think about that. Nothing hurt...nothing in my life hurt...as badly as when Scott dismissed me from his life. But the fact is...I had to deal with it and I did.
I don't know if this hodgepodge of thoughts helped or not, but it's another cold day in Wisconsin and I have cabin fever and I've been on my computer and inside far more than usual...I hope you have a peaceful day. And this is my view on detachment. To me, it is a decision to make contact, but not to give monetary gifts that don't teach our grown difficult children to actually act adult-like.