Hurts so much

[Ithurtz]

Found this website about a month ago. It has certainly helped knowing a great many of you out there have or are experiencing this tragic dilemma of a wayward adult child. I most need help with detachment now, as it hurts so much to witness my 30 year old son go haywire.

He began using Marijuana in High School, and ended up dropping out of college in his junior year as he was not even going to classes. Over the past 10 years he has gone through 3 separate rehabs, the first for 3 months, the second for three weeks, and the third for 6 weeks. He came out of each getting back to working ( Uber and Food Delivery ) and renting a room, paying all his bills. I've always remained in communication with him during all this time. He wouldn't talk to his mother ( who I am divorced from ) and he constantly blamed us for all his issues, mostly her, but me also for letting him live with her. Which was his choice as he moved to her place in his HS sophomore year because she was liberal about him smoking weed.

Last fall his landlord sold the townhouse and he moved back in with his mother, now talking to her again. Beginning this spring, he began to talk to me about being under stress. He starting telling me about his prowess in the stock market where he has built a 5 figure portfolio. He quit his job, smoking more weed and drinking heavily, and about the beginning of June he just blew up at me and most relatives. Horrible name calling, accusations, cursing, endless texts, to the point I had to block his texts. He then notified me I was blocked. This went on for about 6 weeks, then he showed up begin released from a 72 hour psychiatric evaluation nearby. His mom let him back in, and that lasted for about 5 days. Another fight and she kicked him out. He has been wandering since, to different hotels. I learned that he has 'lent' his car to a friend, which he didn't seemed worried about. It has shown up in an auto pound after 20 days.

I am open to talking with him, but he constantly raises his voice at me, says he is my boss. I don't give him any money. He is delusional now, telling me he has 'secret' work. He tells me he is a 'stoner', likes to drink alcohol, and gamble. Seems his stock market is keeping him afloat now.

I have texted and talked with him in the past few days, telling him I don't agree with his life style, and that I can offer emotional support and advice if he asks. He responds that he is heading off and I may not hear from him for a long while. Never had suicidal nor violent behavior, so I must somehow let him go. Just hurts so much as he is a smart kid, good looking, but just on his own mission. I believe also with all his crazy texting to relatives, he has been written out of sizable inheritances.

I have followed many of the postings. Many sad stories and I sense all the pain and despair. I do find Copabanana writings very logical to follow. I am trying to listen to how she has 'detached' from her wayward son.

A

 

[Nandina]

Hi, Ithurtz,

Welcome, and so sorry for your need to be here.

There are others who have been at this much longer than I, and I’m sure they’ll be around shortly. I have only recently had to completely detach from my wayward adult son of 22, because after four years of his homelessness, drug use and constantly being in trouble with the law and no change in sight, we realized there is absolutely nothing more we can do for him. We’ve tried everything and are totally spent. I’ve recently posted here about it.

This forum is a great support system and helps folks stay focused, especially when it comes to detaching, as many here have been through it. It is so easy to get sucked back into the total chaos that is drug addicted and/or mentally ill kids. Sometimes we need a reality-check and our members are great at providing it. And with kindness and no judgment, I might add.

First, detaching with love might be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but nobody deserves to be abused by their wayward adult child. You have to respect yourself, above all else, and be firm in the realization that you most likely wouldn’t accept that behavior from anyone else; don’t accept it from your son. And keep telling yourself that you DO NOT deserve this!

I would highly suggest either some form of counseling or a support group such as al anon, which many members here find beneficial. It’s a great support system with parents who “get it.”

And lastly, this does not have to be forever. People sometimes change, get fed up with losing friends and family, homes, and jobs due to their behavior. With advice of my therapist, I was able to tell my son that we could not help him anymore, as much as we love him, but that when he is enrolled in some type of mental health or drug treatment program, he can contact us. That keeps the door open somewhat. But it’s on him now.

It‘s so very hard and we all get it, so please keep posting here. It really helps. And again, welcome.

 

[Aching Heart]

Hi ihurtz! So sorry to read about your problems. I have been 'no contact' from my adult daughter for 4 years now and I know the guilt you are feeling. But, as my doctor said to me when I broke down and told her about it, our adult children are not children - they are adults and as such are no longer our responsibility. We may have this instinct to 'support' them but if they do not wish to help themselves and just keep mentally and verbally abusing us, the toxicity can all too often take its toll on our own mental health and subsequently on our physical health too. I wrote out a list of what I missed about her behaviour and what I did not miss about it and the latter far exceeded the former. I mourn the little girl I lost but I do not mourn the adult she became!

 

[Worndown68]

I understand, I have been to this forum to read and find support from others for many years but never posted anything. My daughters also started with weed and alcohol in their teens. I had absolutely no control over their behaviour and we have been estranged on and off since early 20s. Now they are 50! One has just admitted herself to a psychiatric hospital for 26 days, it was triggered by being asked to leave the friend who had housed her free for 18 months.
The friend couldn’t put up with daughters explosive entitled behaviour and I feel guilty that she has had to go through the same trauma of telling her to leave as I have experienced it many times over the years.
I am primarily blamed for absolutely everything. But I have really tried to inspire her to be functional and live a life she can be proud of. Provided housing, offered counselling, even employment but nothing has worked out. Now she is going to have ECT and I do hope it helps her. I am sure she is terrified even at 50 she was scared to go for standard mammogram alone. Then she posted on FB that she has Ca but I don’t think that is true. Both daughters have proclaimed they have Ca many times since teenagers but it hasn’t been true.
I am now divorced recently and in no position to help her after her treatment. She is loud and abusive, I live in a small apt now. I can only pray for her, and her sister who is the Mother of my three grandchildren but still not sober. They seem to think I can, and should, house them again and pay for whatever they want or need. I can’t though. All I can do is pray for them both.

 

[Ithurtz]

Thank you all for the comments, support, and advice. I am so on edge for another surprise phone or text from him about some crisis. I told him I will not respond to any between 4 pm and 9 am as an initial boundary.

After reading so many of the threads, I am beginning to think he has the Marijuana Psychosis syndrome. He says he needs it to stay calm. But he has become so delusional, continuing to say how he is working on secret missions, going through special training, protecting embassy people. Just crazy nonsense. I have read that ceasing the Marijuana use then let’s the psychosis diminishes and the delusions go away. Does anyone on these forums has experience with this? I would love to hear about their experiences.

I need to explicitly let him know all my boundaries but getting through to him in his mental state, he doesn’t seem to listen or even care what I say. He calls me a useless parent.

A.

 

[dandelion]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I am new to this community as well, and have been mostly no contact from my 22 year old son for the past 4 years.

Regarding the possibly marijuana psychosis: I think it's really difficult to say what is going on with your son. A trained therapist with experience in addiction and other mental illness (including personality disorders) may be the only way to get a diagnosis. It's easy to project what we find in our own research, or in what others share with us, onto our kids; I can relate to being desperate for answers and a diagnosis.

Most importantly, please take care of yourself. Setting the boundary on times that you are unavailable to respond is a great step. I would recommend seeing a therapist who has experience in estrangement and codependency, if you have not already. Wishing you some peace this week.

 

[Ithurtz]

Thanks. I started seeing a therapist when this latest episode of his began around mid June. When he was in rehab about 5 years ago for 3 months, I attended Al-Anon so I have also used that. This latest foray is just so completely different from his previous drinking/marijuana abuses. He doesn't care about anything, leaving his car abandoned, making messes at his mothers, talking to himself, saying he is working on secret missions, then passing out from the drinking/marijuana. I am detaching much better now as I actually told him I was done with him, and have blocked his phone for the time being.

A

 

[Nomad]

Welcome, but sorry for what brought you here. So much sadness.
That diagnosis is significant and concerning. The others have provided good advice. I know when I went through something mega difficult, I found help in private counseling but also in group support that I found here and with a local Families Anonymous group. They have them sporadically throughout the US, but also have some online groups. There, I met people with very similar issues and it was helpful.

Permanently affixed in this Parent Emeritus group is an article on detachment. Ironically, I had copied and pasted it ages ago and sent it to myself. Recently, I was cleaning out my emails and found it. Once again, I'm not going to delete it and it will remain in my emails.s probably forever.

Setting boundaries and learning to detach (as well as support) are probably the most important things to get some relief.

I've pasted the info on detachment below...it is NOT my words and unfortunately I don't know where it originated. I just know it's VERY GOOD!

I too wish you comfort and peace.

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello Ithurtz,
I am so sorry for your need to be here, though it is a good place to be for folks to be able to share their stories and receive kindness and thoughts from people who are in various stages along this journey.
I think most of us have been blamed by our wayward adult kids for their bad choices. It is the perfect alibi for them to excuse their own behaviors and keep us stuck in a pattern of feeling guilty and desperate. We are more easily manipulated in this state of mind.

I told him I will not respond to any between 4 pm and 9 am as an initial boundary.

Setting boundaries is super important for your sanity. It also lets your son know that you will put your foot down when it comes to disrespect or abuse.

I need to explicitly let him know all my boundaries but getting through to him in his mental state, he doesn’t seem to listen or even care what I say. He calls me a useless parent.

Less is more. If your words are not getting through to him, show him by action. Let him know you won’t tolerate disrespect and hang up the phone.

I have read that ceasing the Marijuana use then lets the psychosis diminishes and the delusions go away. Does anyone on these forums has experience with this? I would love to hear about their experiences.

I have read up on this but not experienced it. My two would swear up and down that they only smoked pot, but it turns out that they were hooked on meth. I’m not saying that is your sons problem, but many parents here have reported the same, “Its just pot.” I hope that is the case for your son that it is “just pot”. I know that presents with issues as well, who knows nowadays the amount of thc, or if it is laced with other substances?
I, too wonder if my daughters will be able to recoup their mental capacity if they decide to choose sobriety. But, I have no control over anything in regards to that. I found that with years of dealing with the hurt and sadness of my adult children entrenched in the rabbit hole, it is just too much for me to bear. I find respite in giving them to God and praying that he watch over them. I still have to work hard at focusing on what I can control, my own thoughts, emotions and reactions to whatever their choices are.
I am sorry for your aching heart and hope that you are able to find peace. I know it is hard, but you are so worth the effort.
(((hugs)))
Leaf

 

[Ithurtz]

Thanks New Leaf. I didn't think about mixing with other drugs. I have had no communication for only 5 days now and don't want to re-engage him somehow to ask or learn if he is mixing with meth or anything. I have heard from his mother (my-ex) where he is staying, at least as of a few days ago, and he continues to talk to himself, drink, smoke pot, and tell her delusional things. I told her about this site and that she needs to get him out.

It is so difficult for me to run errands, do my volunteer work, and see young people everywhere functioning in society normally and know my wayward son can do all of that, but will not. It is just sad and it hurts me so much to know how good he had it and to just throw that all to the wind. I used to believe him in the past that marijuana has no long term effects, but now I don't believe it. I know there are people who function in society and smoke it recreationally at nights or whatever, but he is a constant user, very addicted to it. He stinks of it.

I am on edge also knowing it's a possibility he will be arrested or get into some type or trouble.

 

[Worndown68]

Thanks New Leaf. I didn't think about mixing with other drugs. I have had no communication for only 5 days now and don't want to re-engage him somehow to ask or learn if he is mixing with meth or anything. I have heard from his mother (my-ex) where he is staying, at least as of a few days ago, and he continues to talk to himself, drink, smoke pot, and tell her delusional things. I told her about this site and that she needs to get him out.

It is so difficult for me to run errands, do my volunteer work, and see young people everywhere functioning in society normally and know my wayward son can do all of that, but will not. It is just sad and it hurts me so much to know how good he had it and to just throw that all to the wind. I used to believe him in the past that marijuana has no long term effects, but now I don't believe it. I know there are people who function in society and smoke it recreationally at nights or whatever, but he is a constant user, very addicted to it. He stinks of it.

I am on edge also knowing it's a possibility he will be arrested or get into some type or trouble.

It’s so difficult, words are all we parents have to support each other, but just knowing we are not alone helps me, I hope it helps you too. X

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Ithurtz,
I have often said that living with the reality and sadness of having addicted adult children is like grieving for someone who is still alive. In that respect it helps to understand the stages of grief, to deeply examine our own feelings and seek help when needed.

I didn't think about mixing with other drugs.

My youngest, 22, started smoking pot in college. He became sullen and angry when sober. Fortunately, he stopped and is getting better. What I meant in addition to the possibility that other drugs can come into the picture, is that dealers mix stuff into pot, kids are vaping a much more concentrated form of it, and growers have developed potent plants with more thc. All of this is a combination for trouble.

I have had no communication for only 5 days now and don't want to re-engage him somehow to ask or learn if he is mixing with meth or anything. I have heard from his mother (my-ex) where he is staying, at least as of a few days ago, and he continues to talk to himself, drink, smoke pot, and tell her delusional things. I told her about this site and that she needs to get him out.

Even if you did ask him, he is most likely to deny it. Even if it is “just pot” the crux of the issue is that he is not functioning normally. I hope that your ex is able to heed your warnings, and seeks help for herself. That is up to her to decide. We are all at different places in learning how to cope with our waywards’ addictions and behaviors. It can take time and a great deal of trial and error, processing the grief before one is able to come to grips that we have no control over what our adult children choose in life. When those choices cause chaos in our lives, we have to take action, but oftentimes it takes time to figure out how to switch from desperately trying to help our adult kids, to realizing how effected we are, to actually taking steps to protect ourselves.

It is so difficult for me to run errands, do my volunteer work, and see young people everywhere functioning in society normally and know my wayward son can do all of that, but will not. It is just sad and it hurts me so much to know how good he had it and to just throw that all to the wind.

Oh gosh, I know how this feels. My workmates used to talk about their adult kids and the successes they had, while I was happy for them, I also felt isolated. Sad. I was extremely enmeshed in my waywards lives at one point. It was akin to a double drowning, they were drowning in drugs and chaos and I was going down the rabbit hole with them, I was so disheartened and desperate.
After years of trying to “help” them, and living in the chaos, I put my foot down and would no longer house them. That set me on a path of feeling incredibly guilty and sad, envisioning the worst case scenarios. Each encounter brought me to the edge of the rabbit hole, until I realized I couldn’t go there anymore. I was so focused on what my two were doing, throwing their lives away, that I forgot about my own life, my well kids. That’s no way to live.

I used to believe him in the past that marijuana has no long term effects, but now I don't believe it. I know there are people who function in society and smoke it recreationally at nights or whatever, but he is a constant user, very addicted to it. He stinks of it.

I don’t believe it either, everything has side effects. Our bodies are incredible at healing, but when we continue to self inflict illness, something has to give. Everyone is different, some are able to smoke pot and function, others not so much. I’m hoping my son is able to stay away from it, I don’t need three wayward adult kids.

I am on edge also knowing it's a possibility he will be arrested or get into some type or trouble.

I used to dread this as well. But, that all goes with choices and consequences. Late hubs and I worked really hard to give our kids a decent upbringing. Made many mistakes along the way, but did our best. We sure didn’t raise our kids to live the way our two waywards do, and sure didn’t think either of them would do jail time. My Tornado has been in and out of jail for 6 years now. All on probation violations for getting caught riding a stolen moped (which she swears she didn’t know was stolen). Sorry if I am repeating myself about jail, but I am relieved when she is there- at least I know where she is. That attests to the ever evolving circumstances of addicted loved ones.
When I realized that years of focusing on my two, grieving their choices did nothing to change their outcome, and took a horrible toll on my own life, I knew I had to change. I am still working hard at it.
Switching focus is difficult because we spent so many years intensely focused on our kids while they were growing up, trying to steer them on the right path. It’s hard to let go, especially when we see them on such a downward slide.
Keep working on the boundaries you have set for your son. That is the first step. I think the biggest and hardest and longest step is retraining ourselves to set boundaries on our own reactions to our kids choices. Refocusing our energy to self care and finding ways to work through the pain is hard work. What we wish most for our wayward adult kids is that they find their true potential and get on a path towards self love. I think that when we focus on that for ourselves we become a living example for them. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. Keep working at lifting yourself up, that is something you can control. You have already begun by setting boundaries for your son.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Ithurtz]

New leaf, I cannot thank you enough for your insights and advice. It is certainly helping me. As I have read on this site to keep writing about how one is doing as a form of therapy. I take to heart all that you have said. I have 2 older sons very successful, and a younger daughter also doing very well as a high school teacher who has taught one year in Europe. So my wayward son sees and knows his siblings are doing well and they have also expressed their love to him and to be a support if he wants to amend his life. But he began to Tracy them also so they have blocked him. I am still on edge awaiting what will happen. And I’ve notice I am turning to alcohol to try and suppress my angst and sadness.

A

 

[Ithurtz]

Typo above: Should say trash, not Tracy.

 

[Tiredof33]

I went the alcohol path for a while too. It almost cost me my career and the problems are still there along with a hangover. I wish I could say that my 33yo has turned his life around, but he's now 44 and still immature and still a substance abuser. He has nothing the average 44yo has, no home, car, but he does work at a job with low pay and zero benefits.
There are many books written by the loved ones of children like ours and by experts. You can check most of them out of the library. I highly recommend them for YOU. There's not a lot you can do for others, so try to help yourself.
My son was just released from a weekend at a behavior center for drugs, alcohol, suicide. He lies so much I really am clueless as far as his life. His constant money requests let me know he is using even if he has stopped alcohol. He lost a friend to cocaine unknowingly laced fentynal last week. He told me the friend didn't use drugs, my son said the friend only uses cocaine. I replied cocaine is an addicting drug. It's difficult and they are the only ones able to help themselves. I see many of the same personality traits of our loved ones here. They aren' t willing to do the hard work needed to get out of the hole they've dug for themselves.
(((hugs))) Take care of you so you have the strength to live your life!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Ithurtz,
You have been dealing with issues with your son since high school. He is now 30, so you have had many years of trying to help him. With my own experience with my two, also in and out of trouble since high school, I feel like I was slowly conditioned into keeping “skin in the game, desiring an outcome (successful sober living), more than they did. It is complicated by the fact these are our kids and we want the best for them. It’s easy to become extremely enmeshed in the drama and chaos, believing that we can “fix” them. When it becomes apparent that everything we have tried hasn’t worked and we can’t stop the train wreck, we are entering a whole different phase of loving an addict.
There is an acronym (I’m sure you have read about it) FOG- fear, obligation and guilt, that describes in a nutshell the hard emotions we go through that keep us engaged and entrenched in our wayward’ choices. It doesn’t help that our adult kids know which buttons to push to drive those emotions, and our own minds keep us in a “what if” disaster mode when the hits the fan. I call this the swirly whirly, a not so “merry go round” of circular thinking and ruminating over what may happen when our kids are “out there” and we have taken a step or two back. We have begun to set boundaries with our kids, but haven’t learned to cope within ourselves, to set boundaries for how far our own emotions and reactions will go, because it is a whole new way of living and dealing with the harsh reality we face.

I have 2 older sons very successful, and a younger daughter also doing very well as a high school teacher who has taught one year in Europe.

I’m so glad that you have adult children who are doing well. I hope that you have good connection with them, that helps. Are you able to reach out to them to share your feelings?

So my wayward son sees and knows his siblings are doing well and they have also expressed their love to him and to be a support if he wants to amend his life.

That’s good for him, he knows they are there when he is ready to help himself.

But he began to trash them also so they have blocked him.

Sigh. My well adult children will have nothing to do with their sisters because of their choices. This was not an immediate action. They tried to help them many times. They realized more quickly than I did, that they couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to change their course.

I am still on edge awaiting what will happen. And I’ve notice I am turning to alcohol to try and suppress my angst and sadness.

This is the “fear” part of FOG. I call it catastrophic thought, thinking of the absolute worse case scenario, so if it does happen, we are prepared. Of course, with what’s going on with your son, fear of what could happen next is warranted. I felt the same with my daughters, strung out on meth, living on the streets, how would they survive? I tortured myself with the what ifs. I would drive by the parks they frequented wanting (and also dreading) to catch a glimpse of them. It was Copa who wrote of Viktor Frankl, an amazing soul who survived Nazi death camps and spent his life teaching others how to overcome suffering. I started reading about his theory, and that helped me come out of my ruminating over my two. There are many examples of people who have transcended unimaginable tragedy’s and lived fruitful lives. I was desperate for relief, from being stuck in the muck and quicksand of my daughters choices, the fear of what could happen to them, the pain and sadness. Finding and researching these heroic people who had risen above the ashes, helped me out of the quicksand. I can’t tell you that I am completely oblivious to the hurt, but I am way better than I was a few years ago.
As far as turning to alcohol, I’m glad that you are cognizant of this and pretty sure you know that is a quick and fleeting “fix” to numb the pain. (No judgement, just concern.) Please be careful and mindful of your health. Be kind to yourself, this proved to be a difficult time for all of us, to change how we respond to our adult children’s choices. It feels so odd, so scary and unpredictable, even unnatural. One step, one day at a time. You are so worth the effort to rebuild your own life.
Take care
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Crayola13]

New leaf, I cannot thank you enough for your insights and advice. It is certainly helping me. As I have read on this site to keep writing about how one is doing as a form of therapy. I take to heart all that you have said. I have 2 older sons very successful, and a younger daughter also doing very well as a high school teacher who has taught one year in Europe. So my wayward son sees and knows his siblings are doing well and they have also expressed their love to him and to be a support if he wants to amend his life. But he began to Tracy them also so they have blocked him. I am still on edge awaiting what will happen. And I’ve notice I am turning to alcohol to try and suppress my angst and sadness.

A

Don’t put that poison in your body. I can’t remember if you said you are going to counseling, but if not, it might help. Everyone is right—you can only help yourself, not your son. It’s tempting to want to escape reality. Try to find some kind of hobby like crafts or needlework. It’s good to keep the hands busy. It’s hard to get started when you’re overwhelmed with so much emotion, but needlework makes the hours fly by if you can really get into it.

 

[Tiredof33]

My daughter also has very little contact with my son. Her 2 children refuse to have any kind of contact. I completely understand and never ask them to and let them know well in advance if he will be some where they may be.

A few years ago I was at a hotel in Florida and invited my son, his current girlfriend, her 3 children to join me for lunch. People actually moved away from him and a couple stepped back from the elevator to not be near him. I don't think he noticed, but I did and it stabbed at my heart. He does look pretty rough, lol

My son was in gifted math and science. He has about 5 college level IT certifications along with a year long program for auto maintenance. He can't hold a job.

It's heart breaking. My son has ADHD, but I feel positive it's his continued drug use.

His long term 10 year relationship with another substance abuser was also a nightmare. She committed suicide age 39. He has been involved for 5 years with another lady and her 3 children. She was actually living on the streets with the children. I helped while also keeping my distance. They are apart at the moment, may get back together. I keep my distance because I feel she was using drugs with him.

It's so terribly difficult to watch our children get to this point. Every instinct in our fiber is screaming, NO DON'T DO IT, we will do everything in our power to fix 'IT' for them.

The problem is, they will gladly let us support them in every way as long as it's what they want to do and doesn't involve taking responsibility for their actions. In the process we grow older, more stressed, lose our retirement funds, and they just ask for more. Nothing we do is enough.

That's why you must read all you can, learn to detach, take care of yourself. It doesn't mean you stop loving them.

When I first started asking for help a member on another forum would post to all of the newbies, 'face the truth your idiot child is a loser'. I immediately left the forum, they are not losers, lol!

 

[Ithurtz]

OMG. I recall when I was transporting him to the hotel where he was going to stay about 2 weeks ago ( last time I saw him ), I recall seeing in his backpack as he searched for his drivers license, a mason jar. I thought that was odd because it looked like white balls wrapped in plastic in the jar. How could I be so dumb not to know that was probably meth crystals. ^&#^(##&*@ How I just cannot believe it. What else would he have a mason jar. I just believed him saying all he does is pot and alcohol. This explains he totally delusional behavior no doubt. What to do now? I know there is little I can do if he does not answer or cares.

A

 

[Tiredof33]

I didn't know about the different drugs either, seems like there's so many for them to choose. There is so little we have power over. I had my son in so many programs and I hope one day he will get tired of his life style.

I had really thought last month, his birthday, after spending the weekend Baker Acted in a behavioral center he was ready for help. They don't really treat the addicts, just keep them from harming themselves for the weekend.

He found the sober house and fed me all these lies. I believed him, AGAIN, he only stayed a few days.

I get jerked back into his current drama and have to start my detachment all over. I also get depressed. These are our children, we love them, that fact never changes.

I blamed myself for all of his failings. It doesn't matter if we were not perfect parents. I don't know one! My son used my guilt to his advantage as most of them do, lol.

Learn to detach and accept you have zero power to change them. It's the most difficult lesson I have had to learn!