Struggling to function

[Mother-1]

I kicked my 19 year old son out a week ago and I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions. I swing between relief, relishing the peace and calm in the home and grief, sadness and missing him. The 2 main rules I expected was no drugs in the house and no drug dealing. Both of which he’s broken a number of times over the years, most recently me finding cocaine residue in his bedroom which I what culminated in me kicking him out but not before he smashed a bottle of juice across the front room and threatening to kick my head in. I’m know I’m minimising but reading through others experience on here, I’m wondering if I’ve been too harsh, thinking he’s not a drug addict but in reality he is. He smokes weed everyday, hasn’t worked for almost 18 months, uses some kind of substance daily, recently he’s been taking ‘lean’ (combination of Benadryl and codeine) and taking cocaine at the weekends to such excess I had to call an ambulance because he overdosed and was on the cusp of seizuring, he gets insanely paranoid and ‘patrols’ the house thinking someone is trying to get in, arms himself with a kitchen knife. It’s scary.
He’s always been a difficult wayward child, diagnosed with ADHD at 9 and I raised him largely on my own with the help of his sweet devoted grandmother. I have no influence anymore and have begged, pleaded, argued, threatened, kicked him out before because I found he’d used his brothers iPad to log into Snapchat to arrange drug deals, let him back after a week or 2, made him promise to get work and given deadlines which come and go and he doesn’t even try. He has no respect for me and no qualms in resorting to violence- smashing things up and verbal abuse but hasn’t attacked me physically. I’ve had to call the police a number of times. My sons youngest father moved out a few years ago and we now live separately whilst maintaining a relationship because he couldn’t cope with how his behaviour dominated the household and his disrespect led to them coming to blows. Both my partner and my son both resent me, my partner feels I’m responsible for not being tough enough on him and the many arguments where I defended him and my son resents me for allowing a man in my life who made him uncomfortable in his home.
I feel like a failure and that I’ve been a terrible mum, I’ve been very critical of my son over the last few years and felt so anxious everytime I was in his company. I know our lives aren’t compatible and me and his little brother deserve to live normal lives without being held ransom by his dysfunction. He’s not spoken to me since he left, I texted offering support in get him housing and if he wanted to go for dinner to talk but he ignored me and has totally shunned me, leaving my last text unread. I’m like a heartbroken teenager, checking to see if he’s read my text, calling his friends to see how and where he is (currently living out of hotels without money no doubtedly from criminal activities. I can’t sleep, I’m like a zombie and just sit in a daze which increases my guilt as I’m not being present for his little brother. Im worried he’s a suicide risk and know his mental health is not good and by kicking him out I’ve pushed him further towards dysfunction.
I feel like I’ve enabled, disabled and have a somewhat codependent relationship with him and don’t know how to recover from this.

 

[Fairy dust]

Welcome Mother 1. Sorry to have to meet you on a forum like this but all of us here have been where you are and understand the hurt, confusion, and chaos you are going through. Firstly please breathe and take a step back. When your now adult child breaks your house rules, threatens your safety it is time to show them the door. Your home is your sanctuary and you need to fail safe and secure. By setting some hard boundaries you are helping yourself and also helping your son. Nothing changes until something changes . There is an article on detachment which is on this forum. This has helped me numerous times when I started to doubt my actions. Stay strong for you and your other son. Seek professional help for yourself . Your wayward son will only change when he chooses to do so. Others will be along to help you. Hugs!



What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.

Me- 67 year old healthy optimist
husband- gentle, funny, loving soul

 

[Mother-1]

@Fairy dust - thank you so much for replying. Immediately moved to tears which I’ve not done since this happened. I so badly want him to reach out so I can help fix and rescue. Partly because I want him happy, healthy and functional but I also know I’m seeking his validation and that he loves me and needs me. I know he’s not ready for that. I just don’t know if he’ll ever speak to me again and from being the main constant in his life for 19 years, that’s painful. We see our children as a direct reflection of us and I feel like i must’ve messed up badly for him to have turned out the way he has. He’s so cruel and lacks empathy and I find how he treats me, his girlfriend and friends quite repulsive it’s hard to understand this is a child of mine.

 

[Mother-1]

Welcome Mother 1. Sorry to have to meet you on a forum like this but all of us here have been where you are and understand the hurt, confusion, and chaos you are going through. Firstly please breathe and take a step back. When your now adult child breaks your house rules, threatens your safety it is time to show them the door. Your home is your sanctuary and you need to fail safe and secure. By setting some hard boundaries you are helping yourself and also helping your son. Nothing changes until something changes . There is an article on detachment which is on this forum. This has helped me numerous times when I started to doubt my actions. Stay strong for you and your other son. Seek professional help for yourself . Your wayward son will only change when he chooses to do so. Others will be along to help you. Hugs!



What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.

Me- 67 year old healthy optimist
husband- gentle, funny, loving soul

I’ve just bought the book ‘codependent no more’ by melody beattie as recommended by another member on another post

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I’ve just bought the book ‘codependent no more’ by melody beattie as recommended by another member on another post

So sorry you’re going through this Mother-1, welcome to the board. We are all in the same situation with “helping” our adult children. We must think of ourselves more and let our children go, to figure their own life and the messes they get in for themselves. You absolutely are NOT being too harsh, you did the very best thing in this situation….letting him know once and for all you will not tolerate drugs in your house and the disrespect he gives you.

My own daughter is in jail right now, again. She is 32 years old, we tried for 10 years of helping her. She took our money that we paid her bills with, gave her a place to live in our home - disrespecting all rules we put into place bailing her out of jail each time, drove her around to all court appointments, 5am surprise drug testing, to a job until she had gotten her license back and a car. This process took about 3 years of our life away each time and she is back where we started. In jail, license is suspended yet again, car was repossessed. She has nothing and we will not be helping this time. Enough is enough!

Another good book is by Allison Bottke Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children. She writes from personal experience with her son, being enabling and co-dependent on our children. Her son used and sold drugs as well.

Trust me! I want so badly to come in and rescue my daughter as you your son. In fact she just called from jail and we refused the call. Would love to talk to her as I have not seen/heard from her in over a year. I won’t let my weak heart give in this time and the games begin again.

Stay strong, you really are doing the right thing.

Big Hugs!

 

[Copabanana]

I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions

Welcome Mother. The first thing I suggest is to consider this: We are NOT our emotions. We have the capacity and potential to be our best selves. Our best selves operate from our values, our sense of responsibility, and our intentions. Our best selves emerge from confronting reality as it is.

no drugs in the house and no drug dealing.

This is entirely appropriate and reasonable.

threatening to kick my head in.

To make threats like this in my state is a felony crime. It's considered a "terrorist threat."

I had to call an ambulance because he overdosed and was on the cusp of seizuring,

Now we have to talk turkey. What you're saying here is in your house, under your roof, your son is not safe. In fact he could have died. This is important. It is to say no matter what you do, how much you give into him, you cannot keep him safe. Only his choices can keep him safe. In your home he can only put you in danger and anybody else with you.

he couldn’t cope with how his behaviour dominated the household

Here we have another reality. You have responsibilities to your other child. Is it what you want to sacrifice one for another?

Im worried he’s a suicide risk and know his mental health is not good and by kicking him out I’ve pushed him further towards dysfunction.

Of course there is a suicide risk, in addition to the risks posed by his voluntary drug use. And the risks to you posed by his decisions and actions in your house. (One mother I met here had the police storm her house, put her on the floor with rifles to her back, and the threat to kill her dog. She was placed in jail and almost lost her job. ) The thing is, who is bringing on these risks? You or your son?
'
Here on this forum we learn that there is NOTHING we can do to have an effect on our adult children, whether that is to do positive things to help them, or positively protect ourselves and our families The most important thing we can do is to recognize this.:The reality is the only ones responsible for good or bad behavior, is them.

First, identify who you are independent of your emotions. Second, identify who you are independent of the imaginary tether you have constructed between yourself and this adult who is terrorizing your home and you. You ARE NOT him. He IS NOT you.

I have been on this forum for almost 9 years. I am virtually unrecognizable from the woman who first came. If you stay on this forum and post you can do this.

 

[Mother-1]

@ANewLife4Me
Thank for your words of support. I’m sorry to hear about your journey with your daughter but hope you’ve been able to find some peace now. I do need to look after myself, I’ve been suffering for a long time and it’s taken its toll, I refuse to throw myself or my youngest son under the bus for my eldest anymore. It’s hard letting go and wondering if you’re giving up too soon. At his best my son is funny, charming, charismatic and has so much potential but I don’t recognise him anymore. He’s truly lost himself. Fighting the urge to phone him with offers to help and fix and reminding myself not to ‘dial pain’
I’ll purchase the book you recommended and thank you again

 

[ANewLife4Me]

@ANewLife4Me
Thank for your words of support. I’m sorry to hear about your journey with your daughter but hope you’ve been able to find some peace now. I do need to look after myself, I’ve been suffering for a long time and it’s taken its toll, I refuse to throw myself or my youngest son under the bus for my eldest anymore. It’s hard letting go and wondering if you’re giving up too soon. At his best my son is funny, charming, charismatic and has so much potential but I don’t recognise him anymore. He’s truly lost himself. Fighting the urge to phone him with offers to help and fix and reminding myself not to ‘dial pain’
I’ll purchase the book you recommended and thank you again

I understand so well, the wonderful memories of our children, how sweet - kind - considerate they used to be. We absolutely have to put that on a shelf and know who they are this very moment. As Copa said he overdosed in your own home, nothing can save him but himself. Nothing you did in the past or any help at the moment will magically bring him back to the boy you remember.

Thank you for your kind words towards my daughter, we are learning through trial and error. I just hope to spare someone the pain of 10 years in like me.

Just had to add that after my daughter just up and left us, better living out of my car than with you 2!, I went into a deep depression, cried all day/night, nothing but thoughts of her every waking moment. I thought of her committing suicide/worst case scenarios as she is prone to attempt killing herself due to her mental conditions. It’s a rough road in the beginning, the very worst! It does get a bit easier I will say as time goes on.

 

[Mother-1]

Welcome Mother. The first thing I suggest is to consider this: We are NOT our emotions. We have the capacity and potential to be our best selves. Our best selves operate from our values, our sense of responsibility, and our intentions.

This is entirely appropriate and reasonable.

To make threats like this in my state is a felony crime. It's considered a "terrorist threat."

Now we have to talk turkey. What you're saying here is in your house, under your roof, your son is not safe. In fact he could have died. This is important. It is to say no matter what you do, how much you give into him, you cannot keep him safe. Only his choices can keep him safe. In your home he can only put you in danger and anybody else with you.

Here we have another reality. You have responsibilities to your other child. Is it what you want to sacrifice one for another?

Of course there is a suicide risk, in addition to the risks posed by his voluntary drug use. And the risks to you posed by his decisions and actions in your house. (One mother I met here had the police storm her house, put her on the floor with rifles to her back, and the threat to kill her dog. She was placed in jail and almost lost her job. ) The thing is, who is bringing on these risks? You or your son?
'
Here on this forum we learn that there is NOTHING we can do to have an effect on our adult children, whether that is to do positive things to help them, or positively protect ourselves and our families The most important thing we can do is to recognize this.:The reality is the only ones responsible for good or bad behavior, is them.

First, identify who you are independent of your emotions. Second, identify who you are independent of the imaginary tether you have constructed between yourself and this adult who is terrorizing your home and you. You ARE NOT him. He IS NOT you.

I have been on this forum for almost 9 years. I am virtually unrecognizable from the woman who first came. If you stay on this forum and post you can do this.

@Copabanana
Hey Copa,
I’ve read many of your responses on here and your insight is honestly so inspiring and so grateful to you and the other members who come here to offer support. I saw you recommended a book called co-dependency no more and I immediately purchased as I recognise I absolutely do everything you posted as on page 72!
Everything you say is accurate, i don’t wish to sacrifice my youngest, he used to be terrified when his brother was kicking off, crying, hiding under the table, now he doesn’t react, like he desensitised to the drama and chaos which is so sad. I also don’t want him to see his mother being abused and disrespected with no consequences and mimic that behaviour down the line.
I find it crazy how much I’ve tolerated from my son, i wouldn’t allow myself to be treated like that by a partner but felt bound by parental responsibility, guilt, codependency, you name it, to permit that kind of treatment under my roof.
I have been worried about the police raiding my home, losing my home, social services have already been involved due to the risk to my youngest from his brothers behaviour. Writing this down actually makes me realise how foolish I’ve been to not have done this sooner. I too work in a profession where I have to disclose any convictions or penalties that could risk my career. Over the years, we’ve lurched from one drama to the next and each time I find it harder to recover from them and I’m like a ball of anxiety waiting for the next one.

 

[Mother-1]

I understand so well, the wonderful memories of our children, how sweet - kind - considerate they used to be. We absolutely have to put that on a shelf and know who they are this very moment. As Copa said he overdosed in your own home, nothing can save him but himself. Nothing you did in the past or any help at the moment will magically bring him back to the boy you remember.

Thank you for your kind words towards my daughter, we are learning through trial and error. I just hope to spare someone the pain of 10 years in like me.

Just had to add that after my daughter just up and left us, better living out of my car than with you 2!, I went into a deep depression, cried all day/night, nothing but thoughts of her every waking moment. I thought of her committing suicide/worst case scenarios as she is prone to attempt killing herself due to her mental conditions. It’s a rough road in the beginning, the very worst! It does get a bit easier I will say as time goes on.

Urgh, the pain and anguish of being told that they’d rather be destitute than in your home. Like a knife in the heart. I’m not sure what’s worse, knowing my son is unlikely to turn up begging for forgiveness, full of empty promises or if he’ll ever speak to me again or having to turn him away if he did. I’m allowing myself today to wallow in self pity but tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to put on my big girl pants, dig deep and being present for my youngest and enjoy a rare sunny day in the uk (18c tomorrow ) having the first ice cream on the beach

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Mother 1 and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here and for all of the difficult challenges you have faced. It is heartwrenching to watch helplessly as our wayward adult children spin out of control.

I feel like a failure and that I’ve been a terrible mum, I’ve been very critical of my son over the last few years and felt so anxious everytime I was in his company.

This is a lot of stress to live with. I know, because I’ve been right where you are. As mothers, we have learned to sacrifice much to raise our children. When things start to go sideways, we become intensely focused on stopping the craziness. It becomes habitual. When our kids grow to adult age and their bad choices and behaviors behoove us to remove them from our homes, there is this huge void. We start to question ourselves, and even blame ourselves. This process is called FOG, which describes the cycling our hearts and minds go through, and we can get stuck in without help. Fear, Obligation and Guilt, cloud our vision, we tend to put aside the responsibility our wayward kids have for the consequences of their choices, and take it on ourselves. Our wayward adult kids will grab on to our guilt and drive it in deeper. Blame us for their issues. This is a vicious cycle. The only way to stop it is to climb up out of the rabbit hole. One step at a time. We don’t belong there along with them, it does not help them, or us.

I can’t sleep, I’m like a zombie and just sit in a daze which increases my guilt as I’m not being present for his little brother.

You are grieving. This is natural. We love our kids and want the best for them. It is important to process the intense feelings and get help to work through them. Especially when there are younger siblings involved. I didn’t realize how much my youngest were going through while my husband and I were trying to rescue my two wayward kids, my grandchildren. They speak of the dysfunction in our home while growing up. It was not fair for them to live through what they did. I can’t change the past, but I can work to change my responses now.
The important thing is that you realize your young son needs you. Instead of feeling guilty for your grief, try to work at getting help for yourself and your younger son. This will help take the focus off your wayward son, who has shown with his actions that he will choose as he pleases without regard for you, his brother, or the safety of your home.

Im worried he’s a suicide risk and know his mental health is not good and by kicking him out I’ve pushed him further towards dysfunction.

I call this catastrophic thought. I would conjure up all kinds of negative possibilities in order to be prepared if they actually happened. The thing is, they didn’t. If your son makes suicidal threats, call the police. You have not pushed him further toward dysfunction, you have set a healthy boundary and followed through. He has to realize the consequences of his choices and want to change. That will not happen in the comfort of your home, he has already proven that to
you. He refused to follow rules and made you fearful in your own home. Unacceptable. You have taken steps to protect yourself and his brother. These are the truths that will help you out of the FOG. Your home is supposed to be a place of rest, your sanctuary, a place where you can feel safe. For you and your young son.

I feel like I’ve enabled, disabled and have a somewhat codependent relationship with him and don’t know how to recover from this.

The first huge step is to acknowledge our own reactions and response. Next, is to switch focus on healing ourselves. That drive to fix and rescue is intense. It didn’t happen overnight. When we are pushed to the point of realizing that our adult kids are making choices that are detrimental to themselves and us, and we are forced to step back, then there is no contact, our minds can go to dark places. It is so vital to shine the light on the reality of the situation. Your adult aged son will choose as he does, and you have no control over that. What you do have control over, is getting help for yourself and your young son.

He’s so cruel and lacks empathy and I find how he treats me, his girlfriend and friends quite repulsive it’s hard to understand this is a child of mine.

This is your child. I am quite sure you did not raise him this way. It is shocking when we really sit down and take a good hard look at what is happening. Our kids grow up and are responsible for the choices they make. Period. I have five adult children. Three are doing well. My two made choices from a young age to experiment with drugs and cycled downward from there. My late husband and I for years had a revolving door in our home, with my two going in and out, always some sort of crisis. We were deep in rescue mode. It took some time to pull up and out of the rabbit hole, to realize that the “help” we were giving by housing them, did not stop them from making the choices they did. Housing them gave them more freedom to “party”. They took full advantage of that. We began to notice money missing, jewelry, there were violent episodes. The list goes on. The most precious thing we lost was time.
Please stop blaming yourself. You have done the right thing by saying “No More”. Now, the work to be done is on yourself. You have value and worth. You have a life to live and a son to continue raising. Your older son has made choices that endanger your home. You were right to stand your ground.
One thing that helped me to fill the void in the early days and still today, was to find mentors here on CD, to write frequently and receive help from the kind folks here is tremendous. Also, I would find inspiring quotes and put them on my fridge. When my mind goes towards those intense feelings, I pray.
The more you work on yourself, the stronger you will become, the more you will realize how stuck in the quicksand of your son’s choices you were. Don’t feel guilty about your past mistakes. Learn and grow from them. Change direction.
You don’t have to be stuck.
Wishing you strength and health.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Urgh, the pain and anguish of being told that they’d rather be destitute than in your home. Like a knife in the heart. I’m not sure what’s worse, knowing my son is unlikely to turn up begging for forgiveness, full of empty promises or if he’ll ever speak to me again or having to turn him away if he did. I’m allowing myself today to wallow in self pity but tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to put on my big girl pants, dig deep and being present for my youngest and enjoy a rare sunny day in the uk (18c tomorrow ) having the first ice cream on the beach

Yes! You go mama! You and your youngest deserve this moment and so many, many more! My son said to me when we all went out to dinner, it’s nice not having to worry about her, his sister. At first I felt it too and was ashamed that I let intrusive thoughts in. But you know what? Our “helping” does indeed affect our other children and we must take in account their happiness as well, they deserve a wonderful moment and moments with their Mom being present and totally focused on what we are doing. I wish you a wonderful day tomorrow and heck, have 2 scoops of ice cream! Enjoy life.

 

[Mother-1]

@New Leaf
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you took my exact thoughts, feelings, fears and worries and rationalised them in a way I’ve been incapable of doing, I guess that’s the ‘fog’ you mention.
I’ve been here before but this time feels different, i don’t want to have him back under my roof, if i do what I’ve always done i’m gonna get what I’ve always got. I know I’m spent and on basic human level we have the right to safe and peaceful home. Since he’s gone, our home is calm and what I’ve been craving and yet feels quite alien and makes me feel crazy that i’m missing him and nostalgia is kicking my ass, remembering all the lovely aspects of him and when less that a week ago our home was a war zone.

 

[Copabanana]

I find it crazy how much I’ve tolerated from my son, i wouldn’t allow myself to be treated like that by a partner but felt bound by parental responsibility, guilt, codependency, you name it, to permit that kind of treatment under my roof.

I don't find it crazy at all that we tolerate too much before we see it was too much about 100 miles back. I find it heartbreaking, rather than crazy that I was willing to sacrifice myself until it went so far I had to dissociate from reality because I had become so afraid of my son in my own home. Losing the sanctuary of my home should have been enough. Losing myself was a bridge too far. That was when I did everything I could to change.

My love for my son was greater than my love for myself. I had come to feel I could only be okay if he was okay. Like Siamese twins, in my distorted reality, my life had become contingent upon his. My heart was broken, if he was broken. Unless I could fix him, fix his life, I was broken.

NO. NO. NO.

This is a distorted view of life. But it is not crazy. We have to be able to look at this objectively. We are not broken. Our lives are not broken. It is our children who are not living well. We are okay: If we let go. It's not letting go of them. It's letting fo of the idea that we are responsible and that something we can do will fix them, or their lives.

What we have to let go is that we and they are no longer the same organism in terms of cause and effect.. I know you know that. But think about it. Do you really accept that you and your son are individuals with different needs, wants and value systems? Do you accept he has a right to choose to be a drug addict or sell drugs, or careen out of control? When our children grow up, they have independent lives and independent selves. Even when those value systems and behaviors make us recoil. It is not written that children grow up and do good, do right, and follow a positive path. It is the reality that some don't. We have to accept reality, or we suffer.

You can do this. I have always said this: If I can do this, any mother can. Every.single.person here would tell you this: It is a miracle that I finally learned to think and act correctly. I would not, could not learn. Finally, I did.

 

[Fairy dust]

If all of the love shown by parents who post on this board could have “fixed and rescued” our wayward adult children they would have been fixed and rescued. Sadly that is not the case. They have to design their own lives and face the consequences of their choices. What we do have control over is loving and healing ourselves. I think we need to love ourselves enough to let the toxicity go. That is a really hard step and goal but we are so worth fighting for. Hugs to all of you warrior parents!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

This thread has me in tears! All of the hurt and sorrow from all, the triumphs, the learning how to come to love ourselves, wonderful advice not just for Mommy-1 but us all. Hugs!

 

[Mother-1]

I need to stop seeing myself as some sort of sacrificial lamb and common sense needs to prevail. What good am I to my youngest son if I’m broken and he gets half a mother at best, not to mention the potential of harm to his future and wellbeing. I’m keeping that at the forefront of my mind. What you said about seeing our children as separate from ourselves, as individuals has really struck a cord with me. I wish I’d learnt to do this long ago and not take personally the things he did that were incongruent with his upbringing and my values. We live and learn.

 

[Mother-1]

If all of the love shown by parents who post on this board could have “fixed and rescued” our wayward adult children they would have been fixed and rescued. Sadly that is not the case. They have to design their own lives and face the consequences of their choices. What we do have control over is loving and healing ourselves. I think we need to love ourselves enough to let the toxicity go. That is a really hard step and goal but we are so worth fighting for. Hugs to all of you warrior parents!

I literally said this to my son’s girlfriend today when she said she wished he wake up and realise. I replied if wishing, hoping and praying were the solution to his success, he’d be thriving right now.

 

[Mother-1]

This thread has me in tears! All of the hurt and sorrow from all, the triumphs, the learning how to come to love ourselves, wonderful advice not just for Mommy-1 but us all. Hugs!

All of the responses today have pulled me from the depths of despair and I feel and a renewed sense of hope and strength. Thank you all so much

 

[Copabanana]

What good am I to my youngest son if I’m broken and he gets half a mother at best

Our wayward children need us to be a whole mothers too. A whole mother cares about her own welfare and responds if it is threatened. A whole mother sets realistic and responsible limits and sticks by ttem. A whole mother has expectations that she be treated with respect and decency. Whole mothers see the writing on the wall, that is, they act based on reality not fantasy or feelings. Our off-the-rails adult children need this kind of mother. My son needs me to stand up whole, not broken.. What good am I to him, if I wimp out, dissociate, hide in fear? I am no good to him, or to myself. Our lives have independent meaning and value.