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Distance vs. detachment?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 619626" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>We can detach as we are standing there at the front door with them, they are asking to stay, we are allowing that, but just for dinner....on the phone....each time...not drawing that proverbial line in the sand that says, if you cross this, I am completely done, I will never see you again.</p><p></p><p>Oh, I never want that to happen, no matter what. BUT, I must detach in order not to cause that type of breach. Otherwise, the things i might say in my pain, in the heat of the moment, that could cause that type of breach.</p><p></p><p>I think there is physical and emotional detachment both. Sometimes we need physical for a time, for a while. I am trying to move to emotional always as I believe that state offers respect for another---even if, plus gives me some room for peace.</p><p></p><p>A picture of me sitting in one chair across the room, and him, sitting on the couch. We are separate. We are detached, but we are still in the same room. That would be so wonderful to be there someday.</p><p></p><p>Right now that is not possible for my situation. I need more space as the little space I provide is filled with things (words, actions, requests) I don't need and can't respond to. Can I stand and maintain my peace even as those rain down on me? Right now, no, so I must have the physical space and the little moments of interaction, always with the tool in mind that I can pull out and use:</p><p></p><p>I need to talk with you later. Goodbye.</p><p></p><p>I hope to get there, this time. Detaching with love, with kindness with respect. That is my goal, as that is what I wish for in return.</p><p></p><p>We can always change our minds. That is our adult prerogative. There are no absolutes, unless we choose them. I am ever-hopeful of a miracle and I believe that he can completely turn and walk in a new direction---not perfectly, but progressing---if he chooses. If he chooses. </p><p></p><p>Until then I will work toward detachment with love, learning every day just what that means for me. </p><p></p><p>P.S. there are lots of good readings in Al-Anon literature about detaching with love, if you have any of those books or access to them, you can look up detachment in the index. Many perspectives.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 619626, member: 17542"] We can detach as we are standing there at the front door with them, they are asking to stay, we are allowing that, but just for dinner....on the phone....each time...not drawing that proverbial line in the sand that says, if you cross this, I am completely done, I will never see you again. Oh, I never want that to happen, no matter what. BUT, I must detach in order not to cause that type of breach. Otherwise, the things i might say in my pain, in the heat of the moment, that could cause that type of breach. I think there is physical and emotional detachment both. Sometimes we need physical for a time, for a while. I am trying to move to emotional always as I believe that state offers respect for another---even if, plus gives me some room for peace. A picture of me sitting in one chair across the room, and him, sitting on the couch. We are separate. We are detached, but we are still in the same room. That would be so wonderful to be there someday. Right now that is not possible for my situation. I need more space as the little space I provide is filled with things (words, actions, requests) I don't need and can't respond to. Can I stand and maintain my peace even as those rain down on me? Right now, no, so I must have the physical space and the little moments of interaction, always with the tool in mind that I can pull out and use: I need to talk with you later. Goodbye. I hope to get there, this time. Detaching with love, with kindness with respect. That is my goal, as that is what I wish for in return. We can always change our minds. That is our adult prerogative. There are no absolutes, unless we choose them. I am ever-hopeful of a miracle and I believe that he can completely turn and walk in a new direction---not perfectly, but progressing---if he chooses. If he chooses. Until then I will work toward detachment with love, learning every day just what that means for me. P.S. there are lots of good readings in Al-Anon literature about detaching with love, if you have any of those books or access to them, you can look up detachment in the index. Many perspectives. [/QUOTE]
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