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Distance vs. detachment?
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<blockquote data-quote="lovemysons" data-source="post: 619634" data-attributes="member: 3305"><p>As usual, You all have really gotten my to thinking. </p><p>I looked up the definition of detach and this is what it says...</p><p> </p><p>"disengage (something or part of something) and remove it"...synonyms: unfasten, disconnect, disengage, seperate, uncouple, remove, loose, unhitch, unhook...FREE.</p><p> </p><p>And that last word...to Free something or someone is compelling to me. </p><p> </p><p>I think when I look back on my parenting I did not "loosen" or "free" as a natural process for my difficult child's in particular.</p><p> </p><p>It's like learning to ride a bike. You start out with balancing from training wheels and eventually are "allowed" to have the training wheels removed and ever so slowly learn to use your "OWN" balance. </p><p>I see it similarly with our kids. So many times now I wish I had allowed my son's to do for self when they were young. See, their homework was my homework...as I felt it my responsibility to ensure they got A's and B's throughout school. Why? Because my mother NEVER helped me with my homework. She was absent as a working single mom (and somewhat neglectful)...I was a full-time stay at home mom and felt there was NO excuse for my not helping them achieve. </p><p>And no, I don't think I was a "bad" parent...I just didn't have the tools then to know any better.</p><p> </p><p>When we finally realise (when they become legal adults) that they need to be "free'd" I think it can often feel hurtful on both sides. Our children seem to still act like we need to be tucking them into bed and spoon feeding them. But we are past that point...It is time for them to do for self. And for ourselves...we realise that we no longer have any control over their situations. It' can be very scary. </p><p> </p><p>My Aunt used to tell me that when a child is born you hold them tightly and as they grow, you loosen the grip, and eventually set them free. I never understood what she meant then. </p><p>I see it now. </p><p> </p><p>I went from one extreme to the other when it comes to parenting. I thought I was doing all the right things...They had a mother and father, siblings, stability, structure, activities, friends, good quality everything. And yet...what I gave them, might just have been too much of ME. </p><p> </p><p>So now, we are taking back "ourselves" and setting our children free. We are no longer co-dependent on one another...and it feels almost cruel at times...as it is still in it's infancy and awkwardness as I step out of the way and allow my children to fail or succeed on their own merits.</p><p> </p><p>Detaching, for me, has nothing to do with "distance"...but everything to do with independence. </p><p> </p><p>Thanks for giving me more to think on today. I think most if not all parents on the board have done their almighty best at loving, helping, nurturing, guiding, caring for their children. And we are still here...learning together...There is always hope and love as long as we are alive. </p><p> </p><p>LMS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="lovemysons, post: 619634, member: 3305"] As usual, You all have really gotten my to thinking. I looked up the definition of detach and this is what it says... "disengage (something or part of something) and remove it"...synonyms: unfasten, disconnect, disengage, seperate, uncouple, remove, loose, unhitch, unhook...FREE. And that last word...to Free something or someone is compelling to me. I think when I look back on my parenting I did not "loosen" or "free" as a natural process for my difficult child's in particular. It's like learning to ride a bike. You start out with balancing from training wheels and eventually are "allowed" to have the training wheels removed and ever so slowly learn to use your "OWN" balance. I see it similarly with our kids. So many times now I wish I had allowed my son's to do for self when they were young. See, their homework was my homework...as I felt it my responsibility to ensure they got A's and B's throughout school. Why? Because my mother NEVER helped me with my homework. She was absent as a working single mom (and somewhat neglectful)...I was a full-time stay at home mom and felt there was NO excuse for my not helping them achieve. And no, I don't think I was a "bad" parent...I just didn't have the tools then to know any better. When we finally realise (when they become legal adults) that they need to be "free'd" I think it can often feel hurtful on both sides. Our children seem to still act like we need to be tucking them into bed and spoon feeding them. But we are past that point...It is time for them to do for self. And for ourselves...we realise that we no longer have any control over their situations. It' can be very scary. My Aunt used to tell me that when a child is born you hold them tightly and as they grow, you loosen the grip, and eventually set them free. I never understood what she meant then. I see it now. I went from one extreme to the other when it comes to parenting. I thought I was doing all the right things...They had a mother and father, siblings, stability, structure, activities, friends, good quality everything. And yet...what I gave them, might just have been too much of ME. So now, we are taking back "ourselves" and setting our children free. We are no longer co-dependent on one another...and it feels almost cruel at times...as it is still in it's infancy and awkwardness as I step out of the way and allow my children to fail or succeed on their own merits. Detaching, for me, has nothing to do with "distance"...but everything to do with independence. Thanks for giving me more to think on today. I think most if not all parents on the board have done their almighty best at loving, helping, nurturing, guiding, caring for their children. And we are still here...learning together...There is always hope and love as long as we are alive. LMS [/QUOTE]
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