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Distance vs. detachment?
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 619635" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Oh, Child, that is so important! detachment helps us to be kind. If we are overly involved, overly invested, then we can't step back and see with loving eyes, we can't "allow" space for them (or anyone else in our sphere) to just be who they are and be OK. YOu put your finger on it!!! </p><p></p><p>I soooo want to not be angry. I have always been angry with him to some extent..I said it was fear (for him) presenting itself as anger, and I think that was often the case. Fear for his future for what his behavior AT THIS MOMENT meant for his hopes of being a happy aadult...then later, fear for what his behavior AT THIS MOMENT meant for my own hope of future happineess, for that of our family. So I was fearful and angry. NOw I stll cannot stop being angry...I am physically detached, which is the funny part. Haven't spoken to him in 6 weeks. I sometimes rehearse the harsh things I want to say to him in my head (I am not proud of this, I am only confessing it), and then I remember...I can't say them, because HE ISN"T THERE FOR ME TO SAY THEM TO. He has stopped calling me. For now.</p><p></p><p>I am a big fan of time, Child, as I know you are as well. Time passes. Emotions ease. Love or at least kindness returns. The big picture becomes clearer. I'm not afraid of losing him for a year...I think going a few weeks without talking or seeing each other is fine. If I am afraid of anything I am afraid of going to my deathbed still angry at him. And I am afraid of him going to his feeling unloved by me, because I didn't get the detachment part quite right.</p><p></p><p>I am always soothed be Recovering's oft repeated comment--"if you had known better you would have done better". If I had known better I would have been better. But I didn't. And those days are gone. I try now to know better. We all do. It is a feeling of groping through a dark, foggy, windowless, signless place. YOu guys provide little flares of light that help me find the way. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 619635, member: 17269"] Oh, Child, that is so important! detachment helps us to be kind. If we are overly involved, overly invested, then we can't step back and see with loving eyes, we can't "allow" space for them (or anyone else in our sphere) to just be who they are and be OK. YOu put your finger on it!!! I soooo want to not be angry. I have always been angry with him to some extent..I said it was fear (for him) presenting itself as anger, and I think that was often the case. Fear for his future for what his behavior AT THIS MOMENT meant for his hopes of being a happy aadult...then later, fear for what his behavior AT THIS MOMENT meant for my own hope of future happineess, for that of our family. So I was fearful and angry. NOw I stll cannot stop being angry...I am physically detached, which is the funny part. Haven't spoken to him in 6 weeks. I sometimes rehearse the harsh things I want to say to him in my head (I am not proud of this, I am only confessing it), and then I remember...I can't say them, because HE ISN"T THERE FOR ME TO SAY THEM TO. He has stopped calling me. For now. I am a big fan of time, Child, as I know you are as well. Time passes. Emotions ease. Love or at least kindness returns. The big picture becomes clearer. I'm not afraid of losing him for a year...I think going a few weeks without talking or seeing each other is fine. If I am afraid of anything I am afraid of going to my deathbed still angry at him. And I am afraid of him going to his feeling unloved by me, because I didn't get the detachment part quite right. I am always soothed be Recovering's oft repeated comment--"if you had known better you would have done better". If I had known better I would have been better. But I didn't. And those days are gone. I try now to know better. We all do. It is a feeling of groping through a dark, foggy, windowless, signless place. YOu guys provide little flares of light that help me find the way. Echo [/QUOTE]
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