Do you ever get tired of being blamed???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mamabear01, Jun 11, 2009.

  1. mamabear01

    mamabear01 New Member

    I swear, between the school, some docs (obviously not the right ones), other parents and such.... Do you feel like you want to just crawl in a hole and never come out?

    My kids have Aspergers and have lots of anxiety. They have recently been tested by a private speech place and they get mad or rather strict with my kids during the session, when I can tell my kids arn't handling things very well.

    And with kids on the spectrum you as a parent know they have good days and bad. For example, I was totally stressed knowing I had to take my son to a appointment for a root canal. I stressed so bad worrying whether I could get him in the car for the appointment, get him out when we were there, get him in the chair and have the work done without a complete and total meltdown.

    Holy Cow it went SO WELL! No problems at ALL! I was so relieved. And after the root canal, we had to walk next door to his regular dentist to then fill the tooth so we wouldn't have to go back in a few weeks.

    I couldn't believe it went so well!!!

    But then we have these days were nothing goes right. And then people think it's due to them just choosing to behave this way and then you get judged by your parenting.

    I get so drained with this. Sometimes I feel the only person that understand's what it's like is our NP that does the Cog Therapy. He is the one that reminds me it's not our parenting. He is the good guy and the only one that seems to "Get it"

    Sigh okay thanks for letting me vent.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm sorry you are dealing with other's ignorance. I suggest joining a support group for parents of children with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). THEY understand. Now for the problem...

    After raising five kids, I've learned to refuse to listen to anybody who wants to give me helpful advice about my kids or to blame me for anything, and they don't do it because I am very clear that the feedback about myself is not welcome. If a teacher says anything, I tell them they are educators, not therapists or experts on my children's problems and I am very clear about it. I don't want their critique on my parenting. They are to tell me about my child and give me feedback, not tell me anything about their feelings as to why the kids are this way or that way. I've always been able to get educators to back down. I don't really care what they say in private, but you have to remember to tell yourself that they really don't know. Their degree is in teaching and if they start with "But I see a lot..." I cut them off and say, "And all kids present differently. Seeing a lot is not understanding why." Teachers and I get along well, but they have to respect me.

    Any therapist who wants to work with my family either has to be helpful or I'll find somebody else. Maybe it's because, at age 55, I've been through so many tdocs myself, that I don't get rattled easily. Therapy is theory, and some therapists are able to give better feedback than others. Some I've gone to have been completely clueless so I don't go back. Cognitive Therapy is great because it actually helps the problem without judgment and it works!

    Family and friends need to know your boundaries. It's not that hard to get them to stop the criticism. I've found that saying, "You know, I'd rather not discuss my children's disorders because they are complex and hard to understand unless you are trained" has worked. And then, if they start, I change the subject. If they still won't stop, I say, "I don't really want to discuss this right now."

    Rude? Well, I don't speak in a rude tone. And it's truly rude for others to question your parenting to your face. I think you have to shut out the outside voices. I have a child on the spectrum. He's the way he is because of his disorder, not because of my parenting. And I won't let anyone else tell me differently. And they don't. (((Hugs))) to a great parent.
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    Oh boy do I get it. But for me, the one I mostly have to convince on a daily basis that it isn't my fault is me. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes and it's good for me to own them and resolve to continue doing the best I can each day. But manster isn't a difficult child because of my parenting. My parenting just needs to be honed *because* he is a difficult child.

  4. compassion

    compassion Member

    Absolutely. I am dealing with this a lot currently. difficult child has been out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for one month (ran while on pass) and is very unstable. I am tired of explaning it is a brain disease,not a moral issue. For today, I am going to try and be patient with the casemanager who thinks the main issue is drugs and alcholchol not a mood dosroder and just pray a lot that Cara gets off the streets soon. I have acourt order as of Wednwesday to take her to crisis stab. The psychiatrist gets it but the phopstial oreintation was a family dynamic. Grrrr!!! My current therapist gets it. Had a great session at Nam Monday night. Al-Anonhelps a lot. God gratnt me the senreity to accept the things I cannot chnge, the coruage to change the things I can (acceptance, attitude, patience) and the wisdom to knoq the difference. Compassion
  5. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    Yes!!! Here's what I'm tired of:

    • Outright blame -- and suggestions of discipline measures that work wonderfully with a easy child and not at all with a difficult child.
    • Implied blame -- "He needs to learn not to do (insert bad behavior here), don't you think?" As if it never occurred to you to try to correct it.
    • Off-base comments -- "You and difficult child just need to learn to get along." As if it's a personality conflict.
    And you're right, ML, we can be our own toughest critics. Maybe that's our attempt to make sense of a situation that doesn't make sense and probably never will.

    MWM, thanks for the show of strength.

    (((Hugs))) to all.
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I so agree...

    And I wonder if all this blame is the reason I am always second-guessing myself...?

    Nobody ever says:

    "What you did sounds reasonable to me."
    "Wow! You're doing a really good job."
    "You look over-whelmed. How can I help?"

    Instead, we are just admonished to try even harder...and to stop complaining!!


  7. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I am sick of hearing: "There is something wrong in that house."

    Ummmm...duh, it's difficult child...

    But they always mean somebody's doing something to difficult child to make him the way he is...husband or I am abusing him, we are rejecting him, somebody is setting him up, he's being scapegoated... it's endless.

    And it's followed by, "He just needs a little attention/positive reinforcement or somebody to advocate for him."
  8. mamabear01

    mamabear01 New Member

    I knew I wasn't alone! Thanks for understanding and letting me vent. I have alot of anxiety and the biggest trigger is when I am feeling blamed. Yesterday was a Bad Anxiety day for me lol.

    I know there's things I can do about that.... continue cog therapy, trust my doctor ect... but it cuts like a knife when you get the look, or your children don't behave the way there supposed too. Well DUH they have a disability.

    I just feel like sometimes all I do is to explain why they are the way they are. And I just want to relax and not worry so much about what other people think. I think I need more practice with doing this.

    Midwestern mom, the only support groups that I belong too are online. There's one here for Autism but they are really really big on DAN! Docs and such and thats just not my thing. Plus most of the members have low functioning ones and not high functioning like Aspergers.

    Anyway thanks for letting me vent again. I am feeling much much better :)
  9. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    Preaching to the choir!! I think the ONLY reason I do not think it is TOTALLY all my fault is that I have two other kids, all my biological kids, but with diff bio fathers, and they are not like difficult child at all! difficult child's bio father had been abusive in past and I left when 3 mos pregnant. Last I saw of him. If it were not for being able to see the other two are okay, I would think it was all my fault. I still battle it on an almost daily basis anyway. I have basicly isolated myself from any contact with anyone, or been rejected, because I don't want to expose myself to the scrutiny. But I know, if I didn't live it, I would never believe it. I try not to hold it against them most of the time, but it creeps in sometimes.
  10. Mamabear01 I know exactly what you are talking about. I am so glad you brought this up. I swear between the schools and my sisters and other busybodies who know nothing about what we are going through. I am ready to just do my thing and forget the support of others because they are not out there. But then other days, I feel better and someone says a kind word and I am so happy that I could love off that for days! Silly, I know, but true nonetheless.
    There are times we have an appointment. or something and I know my son is gonna blow up and then he doesn't and I am so shocked. I am not sure if it is PTSD on my part or what!!! Really!!! It is so un-nerving!!!