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Do you throw them out? What are YOUR feelings ? Explain your detachment.
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<blockquote data-quote="DDD" data-source="post: 411404" data-attributes="member: 35"><p>I think of detachment as a long winding road. As we travel that unexpected course we find an issue that we can face based on reality....and a detachment step can be completed. Each set of circumstances is different and therefore the steps are not the same. husband and I really wanted to detach from GFGmom and were eager to let her fly so we could forge a decent life for our future. Whamo! She was going into the military when she got pregnant. She doesn't believe in abortion nor was she willing to do adoption. So...easy child/difficult child was born and came into our home. I taught her about childcare. We had her take on the responsibility of Motherhood. We gave her six months to learn about parenting and bond with her baby and during that time she was required to clean up the house and fix dinner for all of us. She actually did a decent job of it and we anticipated she would get a job (which she did), save some money and move into a place of her own with the baby. Once she was working we cared for easy child/difficult child in her absence. (Needless to say we fell in love with him and wanted the best for him.) GFGmom did not save money, did not come home after work and we ended up as the coparents plus. Plan #1 went down the drain as we could not let her take him and move from friend to friend with no sense of safety or security. As we were regrouping (she started taking college courses plus working) there was still hope until she got pregnant again. There was a steadfast rule that thre would be no additions to our home.</p><p> </p><p>Plan #2 cam into effect. She had to leave our home before the second baby and she would be completely in charge of her second child. We would keep easy child/difficult child until she got settled and then he could spend the night with Mom and Bro a night or two each week to see how it would go. We detached from GFGmom and the new baby. We just visited with them a few times a week and we did let easy child/difficult child spend the night at her apartment on occasion. It was chaos. She was able to do basic care of her second son (difficult child) but let anybody who was willing babysit so she could party. The kitchen and the rest of the apartment was never clean and we worried about safety. easy child/difficult child remained with us except for visits as she promised to get her act together. Not! Later on she got pregnant for a third time after moving a "straight from her prison job" into her house. We kept easy child/difficult child away. We had to try to intervene for difficult child. At that point we bonded with difficult child and began to attempt to protect him from the chaos. He moved into our home and stayed here daily for over six years. We detached from GFGmom as completely as possible....but both boys are/were affected by her choices.</p><p> </p><p>We vowed to remain detached from her third child and we have. She is a major difficult child. She is almost nine and I have kept her for no more than three hours at a time. It is sad for her but survival for us. My husband absoutely can't stand to see GFGmom or even hear her voice. He's a wonderful man who has never hated anyone in his life.. He is beyond detachment.</p><p> </p><p>So..then in recent years we have to face detachment decisions with both boys. easy child/difficult child is our son. He was given alcohol and drugs by GFGmom's dysfunctional boyfriend in his early teens. As many of you know we have been thru H with his addictions, incarcerations, brain surgery etc. Now we are taking detachment steps with him as we know we can not change who he is now...he has to change himself. We don't think he is strong enough to do so. We anticipate he will not only continue drinking but probably will continue to be friends with other addicts who have criminal records. This is painful and slow.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child detached himself from us when he went to live with GFGmom. He has all kinds of issues. He wants to believe that his Mom has his best interests at heart. Not. SO we are detached from him for the most part. He knows where our store is and can walk there from the apartment he shares with easy child/difficult child. He can ride his bike to our house with a little effort. All I do is take him to appts and meetings as needed. We fear for him but have accepted that we can not overcome the Mom influence.</p><p> </p><p>It's a long, long winding road with lots of heartbreak. Detachment steps are part of the path. I expect the process will continue until our deaths. In a milion years I never thought that my life would be so impacted. Each of us has to face what is on our plate and discard what we can when we can. It's a work in progress. DDD</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DDD, post: 411404, member: 35"] I think of detachment as a long winding road. As we travel that unexpected course we find an issue that we can face based on reality....and a detachment step can be completed. Each set of circumstances is different and therefore the steps are not the same. husband and I really wanted to detach from GFGmom and were eager to let her fly so we could forge a decent life for our future. Whamo! She was going into the military when she got pregnant. She doesn't believe in abortion nor was she willing to do adoption. So...easy child/difficult child was born and came into our home. I taught her about childcare. We had her take on the responsibility of Motherhood. We gave her six months to learn about parenting and bond with her baby and during that time she was required to clean up the house and fix dinner for all of us. She actually did a decent job of it and we anticipated she would get a job (which she did), save some money and move into a place of her own with the baby. Once she was working we cared for easy child/difficult child in her absence. (Needless to say we fell in love with him and wanted the best for him.) GFGmom did not save money, did not come home after work and we ended up as the coparents plus. Plan #1 went down the drain as we could not let her take him and move from friend to friend with no sense of safety or security. As we were regrouping (she started taking college courses plus working) there was still hope until she got pregnant again. There was a steadfast rule that thre would be no additions to our home. Plan #2 cam into effect. She had to leave our home before the second baby and she would be completely in charge of her second child. We would keep easy child/difficult child until she got settled and then he could spend the night with Mom and Bro a night or two each week to see how it would go. We detached from GFGmom and the new baby. We just visited with them a few times a week and we did let easy child/difficult child spend the night at her apartment on occasion. It was chaos. She was able to do basic care of her second son (difficult child) but let anybody who was willing babysit so she could party. The kitchen and the rest of the apartment was never clean and we worried about safety. easy child/difficult child remained with us except for visits as she promised to get her act together. Not! Later on she got pregnant for a third time after moving a "straight from her prison job" into her house. We kept easy child/difficult child away. We had to try to intervene for difficult child. At that point we bonded with difficult child and began to attempt to protect him from the chaos. He moved into our home and stayed here daily for over six years. We detached from GFGmom as completely as possible....but both boys are/were affected by her choices. We vowed to remain detached from her third child and we have. She is a major difficult child. She is almost nine and I have kept her for no more than three hours at a time. It is sad for her but survival for us. My husband absoutely can't stand to see GFGmom or even hear her voice. He's a wonderful man who has never hated anyone in his life.. He is beyond detachment. So..then in recent years we have to face detachment decisions with both boys. easy child/difficult child is our son. He was given alcohol and drugs by GFGmom's dysfunctional boyfriend in his early teens. As many of you know we have been thru H with his addictions, incarcerations, brain surgery etc. Now we are taking detachment steps with him as we know we can not change who he is now...he has to change himself. We don't think he is strong enough to do so. We anticipate he will not only continue drinking but probably will continue to be friends with other addicts who have criminal records. This is painful and slow. difficult child detached himself from us when he went to live with GFGmom. He has all kinds of issues. He wants to believe that his Mom has his best interests at heart. Not. SO we are detached from him for the most part. He knows where our store is and can walk there from the apartment he shares with easy child/difficult child. He can ride his bike to our house with a little effort. All I do is take him to appts and meetings as needed. We fear for him but have accepted that we can not overcome the Mom influence. It's a long, long winding road with lots of heartbreak. Detachment steps are part of the path. I expect the process will continue until our deaths. In a milion years I never thought that my life would be so impacted. Each of us has to face what is on our plate and discard what we can when we can. It's a work in progress. DDD [/QUOTE]
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Do you throw them out? What are YOUR feelings ? Explain your detachment.
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