Hi Piper,
Well I used to feel that way. Most recently my son was placed into therapeutic foster care with (lemme look at the verbage here so I get it right) The state's most loving and accomodating therapeutic foster parents - they've won Foster parent of the week three times last year. (I'm thinking small agency to be frank). So when we allowed Dude to go live with them and they met us - they were very judgemental of us. Had us pegged for looser parents and it was really uncharacteristic of what we thought were "foster parents of the week" because they also told us they WERE Holy rollers. (Um...where's the part about forgiveness in that?) So anyway I smiled and was polite as they told us how they love kids, and have helped so many and my fiance of 10 years and I nodded and explained how our then 171/2 year old son had been in numerous psychiatric hospitals, Residential facilities, Group homes, had attempted suicides, was a convicted felon and out on strict probation, had been kicked out of middle school, adult Ed, and while he was a straight A student, was not welcome back to High School, had been black listed from every day care in a bi-county area, and we had been in therapy for close to 10 years twice a week - and family therapy, anger management, parenting classes, NAMI, Federation of Families, actively involved in legislation to promote bills and laws to change mental health, education committees to promote awareness for mentally ill, marches for mentally ill, mental health camps, day camps, encopresis work shops, read so many books that we actually started a lending library for under privledged parents so they too could read some of the books that maybe they couldn't afford....and despite ALL that? Could not manage this child at home even with Wrap services, in home schooling, tutors, and drop in counselors three times a week...so what did THEY think they could bring to the table?
He said - Love. Love and prayer. I said "Mister if you think I haven't prayed every day for this kid and you have some other prayer - or a direct line to God - please have at it." Then he said "And I have patience." and he sat back in his chair and smiled as if to say we had none. I sat back and smiled too and I said "I wish you well in all sincerity I do."
It's been less than 1 1/2 years...and they're through. They've thrown him out with less than 2 weeks notice. Actually they were through after 9 months but needed the foster money. About 2300 a month to be precise. He's been out of work - and well - that's about the jist of it. And as far as them telling ME that I'm more patient than Job or that I really AM a good Mom? Yup...I finally got "I have no idea how you've managed this long Ms. Star." And here's the kicker.....He's better NOW than he's EVER been in his life....OMG - if they would have had him at 10-14? They'd be dead. Literally. I had a stroke. No kidding.
As far as anyone thinking or judging me? Hon- lemme tell ya this much. I tell people I have a rhino skin suit. I have a heart. It's a good one. I understand other people WAY more than I ever did because of what I've been through with my son. I have more compassion than 5 people I know and I'm the last person I know to whip out the judgement pole...anymore. I like that about me now. I like that I've never BEEN part of the group. I like that my kid CUT the real friends I have from the proverbial herd. Your real friends will be there. Your childs REAL educators and REAL teachers and REAL helpers will be there no matter WHAT he does and won't eject him or REJECT him. So you have to learn how to put that rhino suit on, hold your head high and become a warrior Mom. The only one he has doing that for him right now? Is you. If you ALLOW others to walk on him - you're doing it too. HE HAS A DISABILITY - if he were in a wheel chair or had crutches - they would have pity - since his disability is invisible? You have to make them see it. He's not a brat....he's got a disability. It's not a PROBLEM...it's a disability. IT HAS A NAME. CONDUCT DISORDER. It's a real DISABILITY - it's an emotional disability. It IS treatable...it DOES take a near lifetime to correct the patterns in his brain - but you have to toughen up....and forget about the neon sign that says OPEN FOR ABUSE KICK ME NOW...and put on the new sign that says DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT MESSING WITH THIS MOM.
As far as embarrassing? Yeah -well I've said this and I mean it...someday I'm going to take a picture....and the more you're here the more you'll know I'm not lying. At this point in my life with what I've been through I'm not sure I can be embarrassed. I could peel a maxi pad and paste it on my forehead and walk through Walmart on a Saturday and not be phased. The other day I saw a rival girl - she put a disposable diaper on HER head and walked through the grocery store....and I thought - THERE's a girl who must have a difficult child brother at home.
Atta GIRL - poopy head.
When you feel alone? Come here. You're not. If you were this board would not have what like....3k members? Something like that I think. Not all at once. - Kinda like days. I can take bad days - if they don't all attack at once. And you'll get through this...some days will be worse than others, and the medications? Oh yeah....about that (makes face) um.....they won't cure him and some days they won't even help him. Dude was on 65 different medications over 13 years and they were of no help to him at all. So we finally said - whatever. And he's medication free now at 19. I can't tell the difference of him on or off any of them. I wish he'd continue counseling - but after 13 years of it 2x a week? I can't blame him for taking a break with that either and he's exchanged it for 2x a week in church...
Hope this helps - welcome to the board.
Hugs
Star