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Does it ever get better? Daughter forged my checks
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 609385" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>2far4, welcome. What you are going through with all of your kids is terrible. I feel for you. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to.</p><p></p><p>You've arrived at a place where your experience is all too common, we do understand how you feel and your exasperation, frustration, anger, fear, worry and guilt. Your kids are adults. They should have launched years ago..........and just so you know, blaming us, treating us horribly, taking no responsibility for their actions and being lazy is typical behavior for our adult kids who fail to grow up and begin the process of becoming contributing, healthy, balanced, responsible people.</p><p></p><p>This is NOT your fault. Although it seems you may have enabled them, at a certain point, they must take responsibility for their actions. I think you did the right thing and I also think you should stick to your guns and not allow <u>any</u> of them access to your home again. If you have to, get a restraining order. Although doing that may sound bad, many of us have been forced to do it. If they do anything criminal, call the police and do not bail them out. Cancel all those phones, do not pay for anything. There is an article at the bottom of my post on detachment, you may find it helpful.</p><p></p><p>We all have to get to the point where we stop enabling our kids and let them be responsible for their poor choices. If they have the capacity to learn, that is the only way they will. If they need professional help, they must want it or it won't work. Their lives are up to them, not you. This is not your fault. You cannot control them. And, you mustn't rescue them.</p><p></p><p>The best advice I can offer you is to seek professional help for YOU. Get therapy, a support group, attend NAMI classes (National Alliance on Mental Illness- they can be accessed on line and have chapters everywhere) To the degree that you learn a different way to respond to your kids, the situation will improve. They are used to manipulating you and getting their way and when you stop giving them what they want, they act out in all the ways you mentioned, blaming you, calling you names, becoming angry, creating scenes, all of it. They are MASTER manipulators. </p><p></p><p>Think about it, instead of getting jobs, growing up, going to school and becoming adults, they used all their skills to learn how to make others (YOU) take all the responsibility for their actions. After awhile, that becomes a lifestyle choice. The way you stop that is exactly what you are doing now, kick them out and stop responding the way you did. That is where the therapy and support for <u>you</u> comes in, you will likely need help so they don't wear you out. Plus you will need the help, the tools, the comfort, the support that professional assistance offers because this is not easy to do.</p><p></p><p><strong>It will get better. No, this is NOT the way your life will be forever.</strong> However, YOU are the only one who can change it. Your kids are very invested in you staying the same course because it works for them. It does not work for you so <u>you</u> need to change it. It is YOUR home, your money, your time, your energy...........do not give it to them. You will be robbing them of the opportunity to grow up if you do. And, you will tie yourself to them and their bad behavior if you allow them to dictate your life.</p><p></p><p>They have held you hostage in your own home long enough. There comes a point for us where we reach the end, we reach critical mass and we've had enough. It appears that you have reached that point. Now, get yourself some help to stay this course. Be kind to yourself. Do something nurturing for yourself. Comfort yourself. At this point you've gotten used to doing everything for your kids, that has to shift into doing for YOU. You've all gotten into a habit and you have to change that habit. And, believe me, if you allow it, they WILL take and take and take and not give back anything. </p><p></p><p>As most of us here find, once they are out of our homes, life gets calmer, more peaceful and we can begin to get our lives back. You deserve to have a life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve peace of mind. Go find all of that for yourself. I wish you peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 609385, member: 13542"] 2far4, welcome. What you are going through with all of your kids is terrible. I feel for you. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to. You've arrived at a place where your experience is all too common, we do understand how you feel and your exasperation, frustration, anger, fear, worry and guilt. Your kids are adults. They should have launched years ago..........and just so you know, blaming us, treating us horribly, taking no responsibility for their actions and being lazy is typical behavior for our adult kids who fail to grow up and begin the process of becoming contributing, healthy, balanced, responsible people. This is NOT your fault. Although it seems you may have enabled them, at a certain point, they must take responsibility for their actions. I think you did the right thing and I also think you should stick to your guns and not allow [U]any[/U] of them access to your home again. If you have to, get a restraining order. Although doing that may sound bad, many of us have been forced to do it. If they do anything criminal, call the police and do not bail them out. Cancel all those phones, do not pay for anything. There is an article at the bottom of my post on detachment, you may find it helpful. We all have to get to the point where we stop enabling our kids and let them be responsible for their poor choices. If they have the capacity to learn, that is the only way they will. If they need professional help, they must want it or it won't work. Their lives are up to them, not you. This is not your fault. You cannot control them. And, you mustn't rescue them. The best advice I can offer you is to seek professional help for YOU. Get therapy, a support group, attend NAMI classes (National Alliance on Mental Illness- they can be accessed on line and have chapters everywhere) To the degree that you learn a different way to respond to your kids, the situation will improve. They are used to manipulating you and getting their way and when you stop giving them what they want, they act out in all the ways you mentioned, blaming you, calling you names, becoming angry, creating scenes, all of it. They are MASTER manipulators. Think about it, instead of getting jobs, growing up, going to school and becoming adults, they used all their skills to learn how to make others (YOU) take all the responsibility for their actions. After awhile, that becomes a lifestyle choice. The way you stop that is exactly what you are doing now, kick them out and stop responding the way you did. That is where the therapy and support for [U]you[/U] comes in, you will likely need help so they don't wear you out. Plus you will need the help, the tools, the comfort, the support that professional assistance offers because this is not easy to do. [B]It will get better. No, this is NOT the way your life will be forever.[/B] However, YOU are the only one who can change it. Your kids are very invested in you staying the same course because it works for them. It does not work for you so [U]you[/U] need to change it. It is YOUR home, your money, your time, your energy...........do not give it to them. You will be robbing them of the opportunity to grow up if you do. And, you will tie yourself to them and their bad behavior if you allow them to dictate your life. They have held you hostage in your own home long enough. There comes a point for us where we reach the end, we reach critical mass and we've had enough. It appears that you have reached that point. Now, get yourself some help to stay this course. Be kind to yourself. Do something nurturing for yourself. Comfort yourself. At this point you've gotten used to doing everything for your kids, that has to shift into doing for YOU. You've all gotten into a habit and you have to change that habit. And, believe me, if you allow it, they WILL take and take and take and not give back anything. As most of us here find, once they are out of our homes, life gets calmer, more peaceful and we can begin to get our lives back. You deserve to have a life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve peace of mind. Go find all of that for yourself. I wish you peace. [/QUOTE]
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